Chapter 36
Visha
“I’m going to ask him to become my boyfriend.”
“Tonight?” Liv asks, stroking my cat’s grey fur.
I nod, wrapping my tie around my collar. “Yeah, I think it’s the right time. He likes me too, but he’s just holding back out of fear. I don’t know what he’s been struggling with lately but it’s big enough for him to keep a wall between us.”
She gets off the couch and grabs her beer from the table. “And you think it’s linked to his scar?”
“He got it after I left, and told me it was from self-harm, but he can’t remember why.
I never thought he had such issues back then, so maybe it started after I left.
But I doubt it.” I frown as I yank the tie away and groan.
“Now that I think about it, there were obvious signs of his mental health being a mess. He hid it away to shield me.”
She grabs the garment from me and helps me tie it correctly. “I’m kinda surprised.”
Peering down at her messy blonde bun, I raise a brow. “About?”
“Well, I always thought he was so mature and strong, you know?” She plops down on the couch, sipping her beer. “He seemed like nothing could get to him. He was always smiling and caring for you like it was easy. It’s crazy to think he was struggling with self-harm and managed to hide it so well.”
“People have the tendency to hide their weaknesses.”
“Like you and your nightmares?”
“I’m fine,” I grit out.
Liv came by to play with Ao and help me get ready for the fundraiser. The point was to spend some quality time with my best friend, not to have a therapy session about my sexual trauma.
“Fine my ass,” she scoffs. “If you were really fine, you would be able to get a full night’s sleep without jolting awake from a nightmare.”
I turn to face her and scowl. “I just need Aoi next to me. That’s all I need to be alright.”
“You barely let anyone touch you. I can literally count the people whose touch you ‘allow’ on one hand. Your trauma is serious, but you’ve never spoken much about it.”
And I’ve survived until now.
Why do I have to open up about something that happened when I was twelve? I’m fine. Yeah, my body rejects physical contact but isn’t that obvious? My body belongs to me and Aoi.
“What do you want me to say?” I snap, storming off to the fridge and grabbing a beer for myself.
I pop the cap off and take a long sip. “That I’m terrified whenever I close my eyes that I will feel that pig touching me while I’m helpless?
That all I can think about is that monster tearing me apart, and that the only person who ever managed to make me feel normal and whole was ripped from my arms? Is that what you want to hear?”
Fuck, I know I’m being too harsh on her, but I hate even thinking about Brad.
He doesn’t deserve me to spare him a minute of my time thinking about what he did to me.
I know Liv is only worried about me and trying to help, but after all this time, I realized the only person who can help me move past my trauma is Aoi.
It’s always been him.
She sighs and lowers her bottle on the table. “I just want you to heal. You can’t ignore your problem and hope it gets better. Aoi is more like a band aid than a remedy.”
I spin around in fury. “He’s not a fucking band aid, Liv. He’s the love of my life. I’m not chasing him so he can save me again. I want him because I love him.”
“I’m not doubting your feelings for him,” she says, smiling softly and motions me over. “Just saying that you’re ignoring the underlying problem by focusing on him so much. You might not want to talk to me about it but maybe try talking to him then.”
I let her fix the collar of my shirt, noticing the effort she’s making not to touch my neck.
“He doesn’t need me to burden him with that.
I’ve seen the way the color drained from his eyes, Liv.
Something is terribly wrong with him, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I’m scared he’ll decide to suddenly run away somewhere I can’t reach him. ”
She frowns, hiking a hand on her hip. “Why would he dump you? You said your date went well. You slept in the same bed and had an intimate and sweet moment. Y’all kissed for fuck’s sake. He definitely likes you.”
“Yeah, but the morning after, he seemed so cold and distant.” I groan and rake my fingers through my hair.
“He locked himself in the bathroom and when he came out, he looked like an entirely different person. Maybe I’m overthinking this, but pairing that up with the fact that he slit his vein eight years ago I just don’t know if I should be so carefree about this. ”
“So, your solution is to ask him to be your boyfriend and then what?” she asks in disbelief. “Hope he’ll tell you about his problems? God, Visha you’re delusional at best.”
“The fuck does that mean?”
She sighs and reaches for her beer before gulping down the rest of it and shaking her head like a disappointed mother.
“If he managed to hide his mental health issues during the three years you lived together, do you seriously think he’ll bring it up himself?
You have to raise the issue because I doubt he will. ”
I nearly slam face-first into the floor while grabbing the empty bottle from her hand, tripping over my cat who’s always in the way for some reason. She meows innocently and slithers away as I focus back on the nonsense my best friend uttered.
“I can’t just come up to him and say, ‘Hi, beautiful. Do you, by any chance, still self-harm? Is your mental health okay or should I be worried?’ He’ll slap me across the face and never talk to me again.”
She groans and throws a cushion in my direction that I catch at the last second. “No shit, Sherlock. If you said that to me, I’d have punched your butt-face. I’m saying you should try to get him to open up about it. Also, when the hell are you gonna tell him who you truly are?”
“Soon,” I grit out, already having been overthinking that matter for a while now. “He doesn’t remember anything from our years together and he mentioned that remembering takes a toll on his mind, so he avoids it. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Yeah, ‘cause lying to him is so much better.”
“Fuck you,” I flip her off and she sends me a mock flying kiss. “It’s already hard as fuck to juggle making him fall for me while keeping my identity a secret. For the record, he still doesn’t know that we’ve already hooked up before. I’m so fucked.”
“Damn right you are. Better tell him everything at once. If you’re lucky, he’ll be so confused and overwhelmed with the amount of info that he won’t even have the energy to be mad.”
I straighten and grin. “You know what? Hell yeah.”
“Dumbass. He’ll kill you if you do that.”
“Definitely but dying by his hands would still be a blessing.”
She fake gags and jumps onto the couch, making silly noises as my cat starts baking biscuits on her stomach. “You’re whipped, it’s disgusting.”
“Jealous much?”
She snorts and pets Ao’s fluffy throat. “Not of your messy situation, no.”
“You’re such a delight to be around, you know?” I say, rolling my eyes while I slip on my shoes. “Well, I gotta go pick up Aoi. Have fun with the furry diva and avoid emptying my fridge, you glutton.”
She feigns offense as she heightens the pitch of her voice and addresses the cat. “Can you believe your daddy is such a cheap bastard even though he’s rich? Does he feed you hopes and dreams instead of food? Don’t worry cutie pie, I’ll pamper you while your mean daddy is sucking up to his crush.”
“Bitch.” I snort and grab my phone and wallet before stuffing them in my suit pocket. “Stop badmouthing me to my child. She’s already greedy enough. You’ll make her pull out a gun on me to feed her caviar.”
Liv bursts out laughing and calls over her shoulder, “Text me if you’re bringing Aoi home, so I can get the hell out before y’all make me a personal porno.”
“You’re nuts. See you later.” I slip into the elevator and grin at my reflection.
Tonight, I’ll officialize our relationship.