Chapter 45
Aoi
I hand him a cup of chamomile tea while he’s snuggled up in his bed, wrapped in a fluffy blanket.
He takes a sip of it before putting it down on the nightstand and pulling me into his arms. My head rests on his chest as he cradles me like I’m the one who needs comfort.
I still don’t know why he suddenly broke down earlier and I’m scared to ask after he begged me to never leave him.
“If you could remember the years you’ve forgotten but the consequence would be to lose someone you cherish, would you still want to remember?”
I peek up at his face and notice him staring at me with apprehension. “Mhm, if it means losing someone I care about, I guess these memories can stay in the past. I’ve been living well without them anyway.”
He inhales deeply and pushes a strand of hair away from my face. “I love you, Aoi. Remember that.”
How can I forget when I’m still struggling to believe it?
“Can I tell you something silly?” I ask, rolling off him and nuzzling into his side, wrapping an arm around his waist. He nods and smiles. “When I saw your sister-in-law with your brother, I got a bit jealous. No, not jealous. Envious.”
“Why?” He turns to face me.
“They looked so…in love. Like nothing could tear them apart, and I found myself getting upset over it,” I admit, laughing as embarrassment settles in. “It’s so stupid.”
“It’s not stupid.” He tips my chin up and I’m speechless from the kaleidoscope of emotions in his eyes. “It’s okay to sometimes be envious of someone’s happiness, but Aoi what you don’t know is that you don’t need to envy them because you’re equally loved if not more.”
“You mean by you?” I chuckle but he doesn’t even bat a lash.
“By the entire world, my Paradise.” His thumb strokes my jaw delicately and the tension in my body evaporates. “Me, your friends, your readers. You’re more loved than you could ever imagine.”
Then why can’t I feel it?
Deep inside, I know he’s right. I know they love me but sometimes I just can’t seem to really believe it. My brain keeps trying to convince me that the world hates me and that I’m better off dead.
And more often than not, I believe it.
I hate that it’s easier to accept I’m unlovable and worthless rather than to trust what I see. And I can see how my friends shower me in affection and how much Andrew cherishes me.
I see it.
But I can’t accept it.
“Tell me you love me,” I whisper, hiding my face in his chest. “Please.”
“I love you, Aoi. All of you. I love every part that you hate, with every fiber of my heart. There is nothing wrong with you and even if there was, I’d still be utterly and irrecoverably in love with you.”
He’s shown me how he feels since the day we met and yet I haven’t been nearly as good to him. I keep doubting him and myself, even when I know how much my heart calls his name.
“I know you need time and I’ll be here when you’re ready. I’ve waited a long time to be by your side like this. I can wait a bit longer.”
My legs tangle with his as I breathe in his intoxicating scent and let it calm my nerves. “You’re too good for me, Andrew. I want to give you what you deserve and be the man you think I am, but I don’t think I can.”
“Aoi, please just rely on me.” He straightens up against the bed frame and forces me to sit with him. “I know you’re scared and feel like you’ll only get hurt if you allow me into your heart, but I promise to cherish you until I drop dead.”
Straddling his lap, I cup his cheeks and place a soft kiss on his lips.
One that feels like a goodbye.
To him and to myself.
“I’m scared I’ll hurt you,” I admit. “I’ve ruined myself a long time ago. Being with me will only taint you.”
“Then taint me. Break me. Burn me until all that’s left of me are ashes. I can take it. For you, I can take anything.” His lips brush against my forehead, then my nose, and finally my lips, kissing me so softly that my entire being trembles against him. “You’re my everything. Now and forever.”
Now and forever.
Now. And. Forever.
The words echo in my mind like a forgotten prayer, tightening around my soul and begging to be released as memories surge through me. My heart pounds against my ribs, aching until it feels as though it might tear free and shatter across the floor.
Staggering away from him, I clutch my chest and gasp for air as more memories flood my mind. “No…”
“Aoi?”
I shake my head, digging my nails into my scalp as pain ripples inside. “Stop, please.”
The scarf.
The perfume.
Movie nights.
Golden eyes.
Sweet smiles.
Cuddly nights in our bed.
The airport.
He reaches for me, worry twisting his features, but I shove him away with sudden force. Stumbling from the bed, my legs tremble beneath me, and I collapse onto my knees.
No. No.
It can’t be.
“Aoi, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Does your head hurt?” he asks, panic and fear contorting his face as he drops to the floor in front of me. “Please, talk to me. Shit–I’m calling an ambulance.”
I choke as I desperately inhale the razor sharp needles clogging my airways and refusing to let me breathe. An agonizing thunder rumbles in my head, images and soft promises flashing at such speed that I can’t make sense of them, but my heart knows.
My heart and soul know who it is, who he is.
Who we were.
What I lost and punished myself for.
The scar on my arm pulses and itches, burning as I dig my nails into it and shake my head. “Why?”
“Aoi? What’s wrong? Talk to me please!” He grabs my shoulders while I shake violently against him. “Fuck, Aoi please.”
The touch I’ve craved every day since Andrew walked into my life now cuts like broken glass shards.
I fight him off, sobbing as his face shines through the haze and I freeze.
“You…why?” I rasp, scanning his features as terror anchors itself in his honey eyes. “Don’t touch me.”
Why did you lie to me?
How could you leave me and reappear like nothing happened?
How could you?
“What? I don’t understand. What’s wrong?” he pleads, wiping the tears from my eyes. “Aoi, I don’t know what to do…please just tell me what’s wrong.”
I push him again, this time freeing myself from his traitorous touch. “Leave me alone!”
I scramble to my feet and flee like I always do when my cowardly self is confronted with the truth. The abominable truth that I have been duped since the beginning.
How could he?
Andrew.
Visha.
Andrew.
Visha.
Andrew.
Visha.
Andrew.
Visha.
I hate you.
***
“Aoi? What’s wrong?” Elena asks, yawning. “Oh, fuck. Are you crying? Come inside.”
I can’t move.
Thankfully, she calls for her girlfriend who appears at the doorstep a minute later, dressed in only a satin matching pajama set, her hair braided.
She doesn’t ask me what happened as she pulls me inside and hugs me. I don’t know what takes over me, but the tears burst out like a rusty pipe exceeding its utility, and I wail in her arms, sinking into her like a wet sponge.
How could I be so stupid? How could I not have known? When I look back on it I should have recognized him sooner. Why did he do this to me? How could he lie to me and use me like that?
He said he loved me.
I thought he actually loved me.
Elena sneaks up behind us and shuts the door before guiding us to the guest room where I slump over the bed. I can’t move anymore. My body’s weight triples as I sink into the mattress like a boulder.
The cold numbness of my skin feels raw, and I’m stripped of my armor. He stripped me of my defenses just to stab my heart and let it bleed.
Bare and bleeding.
Fissured and poisoned.
Tainted and broken.
Soft hands wrap around my ankles and take my shoes off before they cover me with the pink blanket. Hibiscus and papaya dance in the air, and I know it’s Amira tucking me into bed.
She slips out of the room for what feels like an eternity. Muffled voices echo behind the bedroom door then she’s back, settling under the cover next to me. Her scent envelopes me as she pulls me into her arms, and I cry my throat hoarse.
No words are uttered as she comforts me until exhaustion gets the best of me. Gentle fingers rake through my hair and a soft humming lulls me to sleep.
I feel so small beside her.
A motherless child and a childless mother.