Chapter 57
Aoi
He grabs my arm and squeezes around my freshly mutilated flesh.
It’s only when I cry out that he realizes the reason and yanks the sleeve up, his brows creasing with every passing second. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“No, why are you doing this? What the fuck is so wrong with you that you need to hurt yourself? Couldn’t you have let me help you? Our life together was perfect until you decided to ruin everything. No, the stupidest thing you’ve done is get into that lake.”
“Let go. I don’t want to talk about this with you.” I struggle to spin around, and stare at the faded paint on the wall.
I don’t know where I am, but I doubt he managed to drag me out of Pennsylvania so fast. I have to get out somehow. He said he owns the property, but when did he buy this place?
“Is it because of that boy? He broke your heart, so you cut yourself again? Explain this to me.”
My head snaps back and I scowl at him. “How do you even know about him?”
“Don’t ask stupid questions, Aoi. I know everything about you.”
I scoff. “Apparently not.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“You don’t understand why I hurt myself because you’ve never taken the time to truly see me. You’re just an obsessive asshole that’s been dragging me down and trying to force me into a cage by your side. The fact that you resorted to kidnapping me proves it.”
“Kidnapping?” he repeats outraged. “I’ve spent sixteen years and more watching you, wanting you. I got rid of everything that stood in our way these past years and still you let some parasite wreck you like that. I didn’t kidnap you, Aoi. You know that, and the way you’re behaving is pathetic.”
“I know! I know I’m pathetic and I deserve whatever punishment I’ve given myself, so fuck off!” I shove him again, the familiar pressure of tears threatening to burst behind my eyes. “Since you claim you didn’t kidnap me, why can’t I leave then? Let me walk out.”
“Never.”
“Then stop shaming me for something you can’t comprehend.
Why can’t you see that everything hurts?
My skin itches and burns when I don’t cut.
I was doing fine until I found out Visha was lying to me.
” I look down at my shaky hands. “The memories…they came back and now I’m ruined again.
Worse than before. I don’t want to live anymore, Jason. I never wanted to be here.”
He takes my hands in his. “Let me help you.”
“You can’t help me, Jason. You make it worse.” I slip out of his grasp and stop my legs from giving out beneath me. “When you touch me, it hurts. I see the disappointment in your eyes and feel the rage and disgust in my heart when we’re together.”
“Don’t talk like that about us.” He shakes his head, regaining his momentarily lost composure. “You’re meant to be mine.”
“I’m meant to rot in this shell you want to fuck. There is nothing left of me, J. Nothing.”
He lets go of my hands and cages me between his body and the wall behind me. “You’re wrong. You just need to get your shit together.”
“No. I don’t want to anymore. I’m tired and I want to be left to die.
Stop trying to prevent the inevitable.” My head leans against the wall, and I shut my eyes, allowing the thumping in my skull to fade as I inhale slowly.
“When I met him eleven years ago, I was on my way to kill myself. Did you know that, too? You seem to know a lot for someone who doesn’t care. ”
“I do care.”
“Only about yourself. It’s always Jason and his interests. Fuck the rest of the world that’s suffering.”
“Aoi.”
“No! I wanted to die because I couldn’t take it anymore.
The guilt, the pain, the hatred. It was burning my flesh from the inside and itching my body until I had to purge.
I couldn’t stop wondering why my family had to die and leave me behind.
Why didn’t I die with them? It’s not fair.
” I take a good look at his devious face, one I desperately thought was the face of my salvation.
“When I met Visha, I found a reason to live and you took him from me, didn’t you?
It doesn’t make any sense otherwise. Why would he have left me when he only had me?
Visha hates his brother so why did he leave me? ”
He sighs and reaches for my cheek, but I turn my face away. “You think I orchestrated such a scheme? You’re unbelievable.”
“I’m unbelievable?” I mutter and almost laugh out loud.
“You’ll never admit it, will you? Constantly manipulating me, trying to make me look crazy and guilting me no matter what I do or say.
That’s all you know how to do. You’ve always been like this.
It must piss you off that I don’t obey your every whim anymore.
Sucks that I’m not a defenseless kid anymore, hmm? ”
“Shut up, Aoi. You don’t mean a word of that crap.” He grabs my face and forces me to look at him.
His hazel eyes are as unfamiliar as any stranger’s and the frost in them chills my bones.
What a fool I’ve been to trust him. I believed his lies, his soft promises and the traitorous voice in my head telling me to hurt myself. But in the end, if I hadn’t gotten involved with Jason, I’m sure I wouldn’t have despised myself so much.
“How am I supposed to keep living when I have nothing to lift me up anymore?” I ask, voice breaking like leaves in fall. “I have nothing. You stopped being my lighthouse, and now everything is so dark.”
He leans his forehead against mine and I inhale a whisk of his scent, but it holds no importance to me anymore. “I can help you. We’ll find doctors-”
“Roses don’t know when they’re dead. They wither slowly, lose their beauty as their petals dry out and the color drains from them. So beautiful and temporary. They’re bound to rot from the moment you cut their stem to expose them in a vase for your selfish little eyes.”
“You’re not a rose, Aoi.”
“You’re right. You never allowed my petals nor my thorns to grow. I’m just a stem now.”
He leans back to take a look at my expression. I don’t know what he’s seeing but it’s shocking enough for him to step away from me and drop his fake smile.
“Stop kidding yourself, Jason.” I raise my hand to graze his cheek, but the strength leaves me before I manage to. “I don’t want help anymore. You’re too late. You’re among the worst mistakes of my life. Tell me, did you reach out to Bellami, so he’d take Visha away from me?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Stop fucking lying to me. Do you think I’m that clueless? I know what kind of person you are, Jason. I’m the only person in the world who knows you.”
He narrows his gaze on me like a predator lurking around its prey. “He was getting in the way. Look at what he did to you. I was right to get rid of him.”
“I’m the way I am because of you. Because my only family died, and I couldn’t cope with the grief. You used my pain to your advantage. We both know it, so stop bullshiting me.”
“It never stopped you from letting me fuck you like a greedy whore,” he says and my stomach drops.
He never loved me. It was all in my head. I’m just a prize he covets, a taxidermy of a deer to expose on his wall.
Have I ever mattered to him? Or was I just a pawn in his game of chess?
My body reacts faster than my brain can register and my hand collides with the side of his face. “You son of a bitch.”
“I don’t care if you hate me. That’ll change. We’ll come out of this stronger and more united than before.”
“Don’t delude yourself. I’ll fucking kill myself before I ever think of forgiving you.”
He grabs my throat and squeezes around my flesh until spots crowd my vision. “Don’t you fucking dare try to take your life again. I will chain you up in this room and keep you on life support if I have to. Believe me, I fucking will.”
“You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved,” I choke out. “Do yourself a favor and move on. I already came to terms with my fate. You should, too.”
“Listen to me, you selfish prick,” he snarls and tightens his grip. “You will live because I say so. And while you live for me, I will go finish the job and get rid of the parasite plaguing your mind.”
“Who? You?” I mock but of course he doesn’t laugh. No, instead he has the audacity to smirk, and I realize why. “Don’t you dare touch him or I’ll fucking kill you myself.”
“I can’t believe you still care about that waste of space after everything he did to you. Can’t you remember how he lied to you? How he broke your heart? He played you.”
“Fuck you.”
“Gladly, but first I need to fix your mess.” He drops me, turns around, and walks to the iron door. Before he leaves, he glances at me one last time and smiles. “I love you, Aoi. Remember that.”
Visha’s exact words.