Chapter 15 #2
Shooting my gaze away, I nodded.
She inhaled a deep, rough breath before taking a step forward, slowly lowering herself to the ground as moving her dress around as she avoided flashing me, which was useless at this point because I had already seen and memorized every single inch of that gorgeous body.
One that I’ll eventually have sculpted and framed wherever I’ll live.
The air pulsated with bittersweet memories, caressing touches, and cruel hope. Dragging silence carried between us.
“I don’t regret last night.” Blair’s words appeared like a silver lining.
“I don’t know if I should believe you. I mean, you might change your mind again, so don’t tell me something you don’t mean.”
“But I do mean it.”
I scoffed; my head felt hot and blurry. “Then why did you treat me like some common criminal—”
The smallest tilt appeared in the corner of her lips, revealing a small dimple in her right cheek. “Well—”
“You know what I mean, kotyonok.”
Any ounce of entertainment vanished from her lips as she lowered her head. “I do, and I’m sorry. I never meant to. I never wanted you to feel bad. I wanted last night to happen. I longed for that unparalleled freedom, the hungry passion.”
With those simple words, she fanned the flames of my uninhibited passion, making me believe this was divinely planned.
We shared the same longing.
The same needs.
Then why couldn’t we be… together?
“I don’t regret last night, but that doesn’t mean it was right,” she uttered, ripping away any illusion.
“Then what would make it right?”
“I don’t know. I… I feel like I fuck everything up, and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep being a fuck-up.”
The middle of my chest collided with a wind of torn sympathy. How could she see herself as such? She was the most magnificent being. Her being was reason enough for my existence. If it weren’t for the night we met, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be free. I wouldn’t be with her.
Solemnly regretting the notion, I drawled with force. “You’re not a fuck-up.”
“But I’ve messed up so many times; how could I present myself in front of God and not be ashamed?”
I wasn’t one for grand moral lectures. Hell, look at me, at best a criminal and at worst a psychotic monster, yet I didn’t think about my wrongs and rights but rather my values and belief in protecting those you love unconditionally.
No matter the cost. No matter the consequence.
Scratching my jaw, I begin, “Being human makes us fallible. It is the essence of our nature, and when God saw this in the first humans and then prophets who failed him, he still forgave them. And do you know why?”
Blair’s eyes rounded as she shook her head, vaguely unaware.
“Because he knew no matter how many times they messed up, their hearts were with him.” I lifted my hands, pointing my index fingers at hers.
“Their faith never faltered, so God never abandoned them. It wasn’t about being perfect or about praying a hundred times a day or even completing the purifying rituals they held.
It was about what was in their heart and how they share that bond with God.
And if anyone tells you otherwise, they don’t know God. At least not what I’d believe in.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because it brings a man like me to peace, and to love and believe in him is to have peace. If you feel fear, then it isn’t right.”
She blinked slowly, her gaze locked on mine. My heart rang in my ears. “Somehow it makes sense. It’s actually the one thing I’ve heard all this time that feels right. You’re right.”
Her approval was the only judgment I needed, but still it didn’t free me from the dooming guilt of the horrible words I said to her.
“I’m sorry. I’m terribly sorry for what I said earlier.
It kills me to remember what I said. It was unnecessary and foolish of me.
I swear I've become so stupid around you. I can’t even think straight.
Not that it’s your fault. It’s mine for being such an obtuse idiot that doesn’t know how to emotionally comprehend and communicate certain things. ”
Her face remained unresponsive as she said, “Come here.” She suddenly tapped on her thick legs.
“Why?”
She repeated, “Come here.”
Whether I was a fool or didn’t have enough to resist, I laid my head on her lap, feeling so safe to do so. Looking up at her as she became the sole focus of my entire world— of my existence.
Slowly and tenderly, she threaded her fingers into my hair. A peaceful ease breezed through me. “You’ll never do that again?”
“Never.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise I’ll never do anything like that, or I’ll tear out my own heart.”
I could hear a smile in her voice. “Good. I forgive you for that. But—“
“But?”
“But only as long as you forgive me too? Feelings are so hard to control, and having the confidence to make a confession is worse. So forgive me for ever saying you’re stupid.
I didn’t mean it like that. I just couldn’t— I don’t understand why you would like me?
Besides the obvious chemistry and physical attraction, I don’t understand why you would be so endeared with me. I mean, look at me.”
“I am.” I shifted, lifting my head, inching my face towards her until our lips were mere centimeters apart.
The dark desire overtook my voice as I spoke, “You’re the most fascinating person I’ve ever met.
You captured my attention with one look and my existence with one word.
I don’t know if this is love, but I’ve never felt like this for anyone before. Only you. Just you.”
Her face blushed immediately as she lowered her gaze sheepishly, which was an oddity because Blair wasn’t a woman you could easily fluster. “I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me.”
“You may have had many firsts, but I want to be your last, Blair. What do you say, kotyonok?”
“Can you give me some time— I mean to think about it?” She paused, gnawing at her bottom lip.
“I can’t make a decision like this in the spur of the moment.
Not only because it’s a big decision but also because I know I can’t deny my feelings for you either; however, it’s not fair to keep leading you on. ”
“Alright.” Just don’t make me wait forever.
“Thank you,” she hummed, signaling me to rest on her lap again.
“Kotyonok, can I ask you something?” To gather her permission was imperative, especially with the matter of the question I was going to ask.
She nodded, the sunlight passing through her hazel eyes.
“Why are you in this convent? Why are you running away?”
She hovered in culpable silence like darkness consumed her soul. A darkness I knew all too well.
Her voice was raspy and heavy as if she spoke a forbidden secret. “I killed someone.”
Woah.
That was one thing I truly couldn’t fathom. Blair wasn’t a harmless angel. However, she wasn't a monster that would take a life without reason.
“Why did you kill them?”
Buried anger resurfaced in her pretty eyes. “Because after nearly raping me, they tried to hurt my son.”
My brain zapped as I digested the information. Inexplicable bloodthirst ran rampant through my mind; if the fucker weren’t dead already, I’d kill him again. Making him suffer every bit he made Blair.
But then a soft tendril of surprise replaced that when I recalled the second part of her statement.
“You have a son?”
She breathed out a long sigh, tears appearing to brim in her eyes as she nodded.
Shit.
“What’s his name?” I asked, needing to know every detail about the child of the woman I loved.
Her sweet face turned more lovely as she began to glow in a small blush. “Ollivander. Ollie for short.”
I softly chuckled, the name reminding me of my prison days, one of my hands rubbing my scruff. “That’s a Harry Potter reference.”
Her gaze swiftly landed on me; her lips split into a shy smile. “Yeah. Yeah, it is. No one has ever guessed that? How did you know?”
“The prison held the entire collection.” My shoulders moved up and down. “I got bored after reading all the nonfiction books, so that was the first one I read.”
“It’s been one of my favorites since I was little. So when I got pregnant, I binged all the movies, and after debating, I named my sweet boy Ollivander.” she said sweetly, her hazel eyes soft with tender affection.
“I’m surprised you didn’t name him Harry.”
She brought her knees to her chest, her arms wrapping around her legs. “That was my second choice.”
“Ah,” a grunt left my lips. “What made you choose Ollie over Harry?”
She turned her face towards the moon, appearing to reminisce as the reflection of the silver stars played in her eyes. “Well, his father thought it was ridiculous. I began to curse him out and cried for hours. He apologized and said I could pick any name besides Harry, so I opted for Ollivander.”
“He sounds like an ass. Just who is the father of the child?”
“Look, I know I don’t have the best taste in men. Most of them are criminals, but even if he was that, the father of my child has a heart of gold.” She started to defend the asshole as if predicting I’d have a bone to pick with him.
“Give me that name, Blair.”
She murmured like a mouse. “Marcello Castillo.”
“Who?”
She said tightly between her lips. “Marcello Castillo.”
“Blair, speak up. I can’t hear you.
“Fine! Alright! He’s Marcello Castillo.”
My brows rose prominently. “Marcello Castillo?” I repeated intensely. The Colombia killer was more of a seducer than a prosecutor. Out of all men, that fucker was the man she chose to have a child with? Why? Why that fucker?
She pursed her lips, and an already annoyed look flashed across her face. “I told you, I have bad taste in men.”
“Bad taste is saying you have a thing for broke or bald men. It’s another to have a rendezvous with a notorious criminal.” Not to mention little old me, but that was beside the point.
“In my defense, I didn’t know until I was pregnant, so there’s that. Besides, he’s not as bad as you think. Yes, he’s a power-hungry maniac that would do anything to get what he wants, but his family is his weakness. I wouldn’t have had my baby if I knew the father was a piece of shit.”
Am I supposed to believe that?
A tick of disgust gnawed at my jaw as she exclaimed, “Hey, don’t judge me!
I was nineteen, wild and free, with no commitment.
I did what I wanted with who I wanted, and if you don’t like that, well, suck it because nothing in the world will change that.
Marcello will always be the father of my child, and he will remain a part of both our lives. ”
Instinctively despised the idea of having that man involved or anyone near Blair, yet if there was something I detested more, it was not being with her. So if I had to put up with the piece of shit, then for Blair and Ollie’s sake, I would.
“Although I don’t like it, for you I’ll do whatever.” I grunted, the words forcing themselves through my teeth.
She sassed, moving her shoulders. “As you should.”
“Yes, yes, whatever you say, kotyonok. However, clarify something for me? If you killed that man who was going to hurt your son, why are you here? It doesn’t make sense. A child should always be with their mother.”
“I agree, but the man I killed was an important, influential business man in Colombia. Marcello was doing business with him, and I fucked it all up. So, that man’s henchman started coming after me and I thought it would be better for my son if I disappeared.
He doesn’t need his parents dead. He knows I love him even if I’m not there.
Knowing he’s okay makes my existence bearable. ”
“It’s killing you.” I raised my hand, rested my fingers underneath her chin, and pulled her to face me.
She flashed her eyes away, glossy tears woven in them. Her voice breaking, “But what else can I do? If I go, I risk his life, and I wouldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to him. I’d die. I’ll kill myself. I swear it.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth.”
“No, you’re punishing yourself, Blair.” I reveled with grit. “You have to forgive yourself. You did what you did because you thought you were protecting your son. Anyone would do the same.”
“Perhaps, but it doesn’t change the fact I killed someone. I killed a man, even if he was bad, but I took someone’s father and husband away. That’s not right.”
“Right and wrong are subjective. However, your son is safe, and it’s because of you— a headstrong, stubborn, but brave woman who was capable of doing what she needed to for the sake of her loved ones. I can’t imagine a better mother.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she snuffled. The words nibbled at her heart and further than that, at what she knew to be true.
I raised my hand, stroking the curve of her cheek, gently saying, “Remember one thing, kotyonok, you’re worth more than your sins and far greater than your past. And to be the object of my affection makes you as precious and virtuous as the angels themselves.”