Chapter 28
Cecil stared down at his homework and pretended to work. In reality, he saw nothing…the page was out of focus. It just didn’t matter to him anymore. None of it mattered…not school, not work.
His relationship was failing. Hah—no, it had failed weeks ago. They talked afterward, but not really. Nothing had been solved. All Cecil could do now was wait for it to end, even though he hoped with everything in him that it wouldn’t.
And it was all his fault. Sin was such a good person. He had given him a chance, despite everything, but Cecil had screwed it up. Pushing and pushing until everything fell apart.
Sin ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He didn’t know what to do. Cecil was pulling away from him. He could see it so clearly, just not how to stop it.
Cecil was unhappy. And why would he be happy? Now that he was actually paying attention, Sin saw all that he had missed. His people had shut Cecil out, made it clear that he was unwelcome, and that they thought him worthless.
They still shared a room, but barely spoke to one another. And what was said was mostly out of anger. They slept in the same bed, but never touched. Each kiss was chaste, hesitant, and cold.
Sin found himself questioning every action, wanting to get closer but fearing he would be turned away. He wanted to be with Cecil, but they wouldn’t last if this continued.
What a fool Sin was, confessing his love for Cecil in a fit of fear. Telling Jekyll something he hadn’t even realized. Cecil should have been the first one to know.
Should Sin tell him now? Was it just his selfish need to keep Cecil here that was urging him on, to make him want to stay? But would that fix anything?
Hah, who was he kidding? He knew the solution, what would be best for Cecil. Sin had just been too much of a coward to utter the words. He didn’t want to let go—a tear slid down his cheek.
But that was life. It was full of sacrifices. So if Sin had to give Cecil up for the man to be happy, he would. Instead of trapping him here, he would let him go. Standing, he went to do just that.
Sin found Cecil standing by a window, staring out into the garden. The man was only a few feet away, but it felt like miles were between them.
This was his fault. If only Sin had been around more. If only he hadn’t missed how Cecil was being treated. If he had just understood how his own words, even if a misunderstanding, had hurt his lover.
Sin felt close to falling apart. He wasn’t sure he could do this. Could he really give Cecil up so easily? He had to try one last time. There had to be a way to fix this.
“Cecil, we need to talk.” Sin barely got the words out.
The man said nothing. He moved closer and called out again, “Cecil, please.”
“Go ahead and talk,” Cecil murmured without turning to face him.
“I know we’ve been having troubles lately, but…” Sin trailed off. Licking his dry lips, he tried again. “I know you’re unhappy here.”
Cecil snorted. “Yah think? What was your first clue?” The man’s body became rigid.
Sin reached out. He wanted to touch him, to hold him, to tell Cecil everything would work out—but Sin stopped himself. His touch was not welcome anymore…the time to fix this had already passed, hadn’t it.
How had everything gone so wrong?
In the reflection of the window, Cecil saw Sin reach out for him. The hand got closer. And his mind screamed what he couldn’t bring himself to say.
Please, touch me. Please, hold me. Please, show me you still want me.
But…Sin’s hand fell away. Maybe he couldn’t bring himself to touch him. They were done. No, they weren’t done, they had never been anything to begin with. Sin didn’t want him.
They stood there in silence. They were so close together, but they might as well have been in separate rooms. Cecil wasn’t sure what would happen now. But he knew whatever they had been doing…it was over.
“I know you don’t want to be here anymore, Cecil. Maybe it would be for the best if you returned to Bellfall,” Sin whispered.
His heart skipped. “If that’s what you want. When do you want me gone?”
“Cecil, this isn’t…I want you to be happy. You’re not happy here.”
Happiness, hah, what a joke. Happiness wasn’t real. And in the off chance that it existed, it never lasted. None of it had been real, none of what he felt…what he felt didn’t matter. Sin had never trusted him, but then why would he? Cecil had tried to steal from him when they first met.
Sin didn’t love him—he pitied him. Tears built in his eyes, but Cecil refused to let them fall. Crying did nothing—it was pointless.
So he would push them back, then smile and agree.
Cecil wouldn’t beg, or cry, or ask to stay.
Or ask Sin to come with him. He would end everything as if he felt nothing, because Cecil had made the mistake of thinking that someone would actually love him.
And he found out that, no, a chance at happiness hadn’t been worth the pain he felt now.
Cecil turned around, but he couldn’t meet Sin’s eyes. It was a struggle to even look at any part of him. “Sin, I’m agreeing with you. So when do you want me gone? I’m fine with leaving now, if you want.”
“No, no. I…” Sin trailed off. “I’m not throwing you out, Cecil. But I won’t force you to stay when you hate it here. We’ll pack some of your things…and I’ll see if my personal plane is available tomorrow. If not, we can look at plane tickets.”
Cecil forced himself to look into Sin’s eyes, he forced himself to smile, and then he forced himself to lie. “Sounds good to me. You don’t have to be so worried.”
Lie.
“I’m fine.”
Lie.
“I already knew this wouldn’t last. It’s not a big deal.”
Lie.
“This is actually better for me. I was getting bored anyway.”
Lie.
Cecil slapped Sin on the arm and laughed. “Don’t look so down, we both knew this wouldn’t last. We’re too different.” Sin said nothing, his face was closed off. “Well, considering everything, I probably should sleep somewhere else tonight.”
“No,” Sin rasped. “You can stay, I’ll go.” And then he did, closing the door behind him.
He kept it together for all of two minutes. But then the trembling became too much and he sank to the floor. “Don’t cry, Cecil. Don’t you dare do it.”
Hugging himself, he dug his nails into his arms. “Don’t! You are stronger than this.” When a tear spilled over and ran down his cheek, Cecil gasped and staggered to his feet.
Oh, Gods, he couldn’t breathe!
Rushing to his nightstand, Cecil yanked the drawer open. It flew off its hinges and the articles inside thudded on the carpeted floor. With shaking hands, he grabbed the rolled up leather and freed the knife inside.
The first slice to his palm had him exhaling in relief, the second made him feel grounded, and the third gave him the one thing he had denied himself for so long.
With tears in his eyes, he whispered, “Welcome back, Drop.”
Sin should have tried to delay it. He should have lied, said his plane was otherwise engaged, that there were no tickets available.
But he hadn’t. Sin had heard the falseness of Cecil’s words, but he had thought this was for the best. At least, Sin had yesterday. Today was different. Today, the only thought in his head was that he shouldn’t let him go.
Cecil was standing awkwardly with his bags in front of him, but Sin said nothing. The twins were next to him, their expressions pinched.
“I guess this is it,” Cecil said.
Sin nodded dumbly.
“Well, goodbye then.”
“Goodbye,” Sin whispered as Cecil walked away.
He made it to the car without falling apart. Everyone was silent—if only his head was. But the pain wouldn’t go away; his heart felt like it had been pierced through.
There was one more emotion he had to fight down—anger. Sin was angry. Angry that Cecil hadn’t wanted to try to work things out. But most of all, he was angry at himself.
The rage inside him grew, becoming sharper by the minute. When they reached home, he spoke to no one. Sin ignored everyone he passed, afraid he would lash out. Because at the moment, Sin blamed them as much as himself.
Reaching his office, he slammed the door behind him and took a deep breath—it did nothing to calm him.
The black box containing Cecil’s gift sat there accusingly.
His hand shook as he opened it. The band of the watch was made of quality black leather with white stitching around the inner edges, and the face was light gray with a silver rim.
He lightly ran his fingers over the textured leather before flipping it over. What Sin saw shattered what was left of his heart.
Engraved on the watch was everything Sin had wanted, what he had been afraid to say, and what he had given up.
To my irritatingly sophisticated man with perfect eyebrows, I love you – Cecil.
Sin placed his hands on his desk, hunched over and screamed. He knew he needed to get his fury under control, but he couldn’t find his calm. So Sin screamed…he screamed until the tears he held back blurred everything around him. Gasping for air, Sin collapsed into one of his desk chairs.
It wasn’t enough. His anger was still there, intensifying everything. Chest heaving, he slammed his fists on his desk.
“Fuck…” he muttered softly, his voice hoarse. Then Sin said it again, only louder this time. He repeated it again and again, until the word became a bellow of pain that all could hear.
Sin swiped everything off his desk. Pens fell and papers flew everywhere, fluttering in the air. Roaring, he picked up his desk and threw it against the wall. It sounded as if a bomb dropped when it hit, wood flying all around him. The chairs went next.
It was all too much. The pain, the anger, the devastation…he couldn’t handle it. So, Sin gave in. He gave in to the boiling rage inside him.
For the first time ever, Sin willingly let his beast surge forward, not caring if he ever came back.