Chapter 15
W alking onto the terrace with my journal, I inhaled a gust of wind that whipped my hair around my head. My hair was a curly mess because I finally had to wash it. Sire was at least kind enough to purchase hair products for me to maintain my growing mane, but I was craving a set of braids really bad.
I plopped down into his lounge chair with a huff. It was another day trapped in the penthouse. I felt so disconnected from the world because, suddenly, my life was revolving around one person. He was the only person I saw... the only one I talked to, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Since Ria flipped on me, I technically had no one left. I wasn't even sure what I was still fighting to be alive for.
There was nothing tethering me to this world. Tears welled in my eyes, knowing exactly where my thought process would lead me. I'd been here plenty of times, one of which I'd been thinking about more often since the day in the laundry room when I allowed Sire a glimpse into the broken girl within. The one who terribly missed her sister more every day. Somehow, being a failure in life felt like a slap to her face. What was the point of being here if shit was never going to get better?
I placed my journal on the side table and focused on the sun setting in the distance. For some reason, the array of beautiful colors made me sad instead of inspired or hopeful. I couldn't stop thinking about my sister. I saw her smile in my mind every time I closed my eyes.
Alayshia... She would've been twenty-two years old if she was still here. Being two years younger than me made us not only sisters but best friends. You would never see one of us without the other one. I loved every moment of it. Even when I had to fight her battles for her, I took it all in stride.
I sniffled as the first set of tears began to fall. My chest caved in. My bottom lip quivered, and my soul cried out in pure agony. Why couldn't we have been born to better parents? Parents who loved, supported, and cared for us with every fiber of their being? Instead, God tossed us in the furnace, and we'd both ultimately been burned alive because of the heat.
Our father was an alcoholic who had a hard time keeping his hands to himself. I lost track of the number of times he hit us. Sometimes, it was for the littlest things, like leaving a spoon in the kitchen sink. While extremely beautiful, our mother was a hollow shell who did the bare minimum to care for us. Lord knows she never stood up for us or tried to get us away from him, no matter what he did.
"I'm so sorry, Lay," I confessed aloud. "I should've been better." I wished I had the courage to take my sister and leave before things got worse before... I lost the only person I cared about and who genuinely loved me.
I just wanted to escape the pain, and I had to drag Lay along with me. I was complaining about the parents we were given when I needed to include myself in the bunch. I was no good for Lay. She deserved so much better, and honestly, we all failed her in one way or another. Picking up the journal, I decided to write another page of a quote I'd written before.
I have to believe there's redemption in the darkest circumstances. Otherwise, it's too bleak for me. - Paddy Considine
I wrote it repeatedly until my hands ached. The physical pain temporarily distracted me from the hole in my heart. I glanced over my shoulder when I heard the elevator open. Sire bopped inside, heading straight for the back of the penthouse.
Even though I only caught a glimpse of him, a wave of heat rushed through my body. No matter what he wore or did, my body reacted to his presence. I couldn't understand my attraction to him, considering the circumstances. I was still being held prisoner in his home against my will. That one fact should've been enough reason for me not to give myself to him, but he was fucking with my head. There was no way I could've predicted losing my virginity to Sire coming into this arrangement. It was absolutely psychotic of me, yet I was afraid if he came up to me right now, wanting to explore again, I'd fall victim to his charm. I hated the way my body submitted to his authority.
Sire was an asshole and loved to assert his power. I'm not sure if that got his dick hard or if it was the reaction he pulled out of me every time he tried to drop his nuts. I was sure he saw I was a victim and would eventually become another man who wanted to prey on me or another man who would use his strength to overpower me. To hurt me and make me cower in fear. It was only a matter of time. I couldn't stick around for that.
My other escape attempt was a failure, but it didn't mean I needed to give up on the hope of regaining my freedom. I was going to bury this entire experience as if it had never happened, but I knew it might not be so simple. I still found myself thinking about the worst times in my life. No amount of distance from my parents could erase the pain they'd cause. My wounds were very fresh, bleeding, and in desperate need of healing, which made me know forgetting Sire would be no easy feat. For some reason, I was a magnet for chaos. No matter if I tried to steer clear of it, trouble was known to follow me.
Leaning forward with my forearms on my knees, I decided when I had the opportunity that I was going to get far the fuck away from here. I never wanted to be in another high rise in my life. There had to be better out there for me, even if I didn't fully believe that I was deserving of it.