Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
ROWAN
H oly hell, I was losing my Goddamned mind tonight. What was it about Tyler that had me saying such stupid ass shit? I glanced at the clock in the corner of my laptop. We’d been studying this geochemistry stuff for almost two hours, and thank God, we’d just finished the last problem. “Okay, glad that’s over.” I shut my book and closed my laptop.
“Yeah, those were hard, even for me.” Tyler slapped his book closed. “Hey, you want to chill for a little bit and have a beer?” He rose and stepped into the kitchen.
“Oh, do I.” I stood, headed to the green sectional and dropped into the corner of it. “You get all this stuff from parents?” I brushed my hand over the soft cushion. I’d better keep this conversation sane.
“Yeah. Some of it is from the parents of the guys who’ve moved on. They’ve donated it to us.” He pulled two canned beers from the refrigerator, snicked them open, and strolled to me. “Here.” He handed me one and sank next to me. “We had Archer Carlson, Jonah Boehm, and Mason Hopkins all in the same house at one time.” He sipped his beer.
“Yeah? And they’re all in the NHL now.” Tipping back my can, I let the bubbly beer glide down my throat. Damn, this hit the spot. “It’s cool you guys got to stick together like that.” I thought a moment. “How much chirping do you get in games for being gay?” Because I might have to beat the crap out of a guy if he started in on Tyler.
“I’m not going to lie. We do get some. We usually shake it off and chirp right back.” He drank more beer and relaxed into the couch.
I itched to get closer to him. Why? My gaze landed on his hand, resting between our thighs, and then crept to the generous bulge outlined in his sweats. Heat tingled low in my gut. Fuck me. Was I really eyeballing his junk? I flicked my gaze away, focusing on my beer. I needed to talk to Teddy about this. He’d have answers. “Just so you know, if I hear a guy say anything shitty like that, I’ll hit the guy so wicked hard he’ll be seeing stars for days.”
“You will, huh?” His smile grew wide.
“I will, I guarantee it.” With a nod, I toyed with the pull tab on my beer. “Nobody fucks with my partner.”
Bumping my shoulder with his, he said, “Good to know.” He dipped his head and touched the side of mine. “Just so you know, I’ve got your back too. We’ll be a good team.”
“We will.” Warmth fluttered through my chest, and I edged closer to his side, his body heat shivering through me. This wasn’t normal…I wasn’t feeling like myself with this guy, and the beer probably wasn’t helping, but fuck it. I should finish it and go home. I took a few gulps of my beer.
He moved the hand between us to his thigh. “Tell me more about your gay friend. What’s his name? Teddy?” He sipped his drink.
“Yeah, what do you want to know?” My gaze flicked to his profile and lingered, following the contours of his pointed nose and down to the pout of his lips. They looked soft. They looked soft? I needed to get out of here.
“How close are you? Like when you’re at home, do you hang out like this, do you two text every day? Weekly calls? What?” He gave me a charming grin.
With a nod, I said, “That’s a lot of questions, but yes, we hang out like this. No, we don’t text every day.” As a grin teased my lips, I dipped my head. “I usually text him funny TikToks when I find them. We communicate through TikToks.”
“Really?” Tyler freed a soft snort. “Okay, guess I should send you funny TikToks when I find them.” He drank more beer.
“Oh, please do. I love that shit.” My heart beat a little faster. I was probably going to hear from him more, and I was okay with that. The closer we became as friends, the more this phase I was going through would probably settle down. “I call him probably every few weeks. I’m due to call him now.”
He lowered his brows. “Does he know about me, Myles, and Ace?”
“I…” Had we talked about this? “No, I don’t think so. It never came up. We usually gossip about the people we know.” I twisted my beer can in my lap. I’d almost drunk the whole thing now. I should finish it and leave. “He doesn’t know very much about hockey.”
“Oh.” He nodded and drank the rest of his beer.
That was my cue. I tipped my drink back, finishing it. “I guess I should go home now.” I stood and stepped toward the dinette to pack up.
He followed me. “I assume Coach will have us bunking together at the away game this weekend?”
Setting my empty can on the table, I picked up my book and laptop. Shit, I’d forgotten about that. Would it be weird sleeping in a bed right next to his? With my pulse kicking up, I said, “He probably will. That would be typical.” Bending over, I slipped my book and laptop into my bag.
Myles strolled in from the hallway. “You guys done being cozy on the couch?” A smirk grew over his lips.
Blowing out an exhale, Tyler jutted out a hip, planting his hand on it. “Myles…we were just getting to know each other a little better.”
“Yeah, yeah…” Myles passed me on his way into the kitchen, a mischievous gleam in his eyes.
What the hell was that about? “Tyler helped me out a lot tonight.” I zipped my bag and slung it over my shoulder as I straightened. Did they have some secret between them?
“Anyway, Rowan, I’ll see you out.” Tyler wound a hand around my elbow and walked with me toward the door.
“See you both at practice.” I peeked down the hallway. Where was Ace? I hadn’t seen him all night.
Ace came barreling into the main room. “You leaving, Rowan?” He strolled over and wrapped me in a bear hug, lifting me onto my tiptoes before releasing me. “Sorry, been destroying Myles here in a game of NHL.”
“He made me be the goalie. I’m no good at that.” Myles popped the refrigerator open and pulled out some bottles of Gatorade. “Anyone need a beverage?”
“No, I’m good.” Tyler glanced at me. “You okay to drive?”
“I had one beer, Hodge. I’ll be fine.” I gave him a sly grin. “Anyway, you all have a good night, and I’ll see you in the morning.” I opened the door. These guys were cool. They had something special, and I was happy to be a part of it.
Tyler followed me onto the stoop. “Have a good night, and text me when you get home.” He rolled his lips and looked around him.
I stared at him for a beat. Was he that worried about me? “I told you, one beer isn’t?—”
“Yeah, but it’s just something I need. I had a friend in high school who left my house on a motorcycle, got in an accident, and was killed.” He swallowed hard. “Guess it stuck with me.”
“Jesus, really? I’m sorry.” I squeezed his hand, and his gaze fell to them. Now I got it. He probably requested this from everyone, not just me. “I’ll text you when I get home. ”
He wrapped his fingers around mine, tightening our bond, and then freed me. “Thanks. Drive safe.”
“I will.” Our gazes locked, and I leaned in. What the fuck was I about to do? Give him a goodbye kiss? “Uh, see you.” Swiveling, I hitched the strap of my backpack higher and strode to my car. I was losing my Goddamned mind again.
After driving to my apartment and texting Tyler to let him know I was safe, I dropped onto my couch with my cell phone in hand. What an odd night. On the surface, it had looked completely normal. But deep in my gut, I felt anything but normal.
Taking a breath, I held up my phone and FaceTimed Teddy. Calling him was long overdue.
The phone rang a few times before Teddy picked up, his blue eyes surrounded by red curls filling the screen. “Hey, Rowan. Good to see your face.”
“Yeah, thought it was about time.” As my heart warmed, I smiled into the phone. “What are you doing?” I glanced at the surroundings behind him. It looked like he was sitting on his couch, same as me.
“I was getting some reading done for a fluid dynamics class.” His gaze flicked away and came back. “You’re taking that too, right?”
“Yeah, along with a geography class I didn’t know was going to include fucking chemistry.” I scoffed. If I’d have known, I would have chosen a different elective. But then, I wouldn’t be in a class with Tyler.
“You hated chemistry in high school.” He snickered. “You barely passed, didn’t you?”
“C-minus. Yeah, barely.” Shaking my head, I chuckled. I should talk to him about the squad. “Hey, did I ever tell you about these guys on my hockey team who are all queer? ”
His brows snapped up. “No, you did not. Are you the only one who knows about them?”
“Oh no.” I shifted on the couch, stuffing my feet under my ass. “They’re, like, out and proud. Everyone knows about them. They met in the junior leagues or something and all planned to come to ASU to play together. Some of them have moved on to the NHL, but three of them are still here and living in the same house.” I breathed in deeply. I’d said a lot for him to take in.
“Yeah? So I take it you’re befriending them?” He studied me through the phone.
“I am. One in particular. A guy named Tyler Hodge. Coach just paired us up as a defensive line. The guy is a great player. His brother plays for the Rangers, and his dad coaches the best juniors team in Chicago.”
“Oh, a Chicago boy.” He nodded slowly. “Is this Tyler gay or…?”
“He’s gay. I went to a gay bar with him and another guy on our team last weekend. It was…” Fuck, I was totally spilling my guts to Teddy. I pursed my lips. Was I ready to talk about this? Why not? “It was a little strange.”
“Strange how?” He peered at me. “I can’t imagine the bars out there being more wild than the ones here in Boston.” He wagged his brows.
“No, it wasn’t that.” Hanging my head, I teased a fold in my joggers. “The vibe with this guy is different. He got pretty drunk that night and said some things…” My gaze cut to the phone. “And I didn’t hate it.”
His eyes widened. “Like what things?”
I scoffed through a laugh. “He was lamenting about needing to get laid and shit.” Shaking my head, I said, “It was stupid and probably nothing, but?—”
“But you wanted to offer your services?” With a giggle, he covered his mouth with his fingers. “Oh my God, Rowan. Do you like this guy?”
Furrowing my brows, I shrugged my shoulders. “Naw, not like that. I like him, yeah. He’s a decent guy. He’s a wicked good hockey player. Maybe the best D-man in college.” I thought a moment. What was it about him that was so appealing? “He’s got a rocking hot body, and he’s handsome as fuck. But he’s not arrogant, you know? He’s down to earth.” I’d said a mouthful. All this shit was just flooding out of my damn head.
He stared at me, gaping. “Are you attracted to him?”
Attracted? “Like in what way?” My gut tightened as my heart flip-flopped. I knew what he was asking. I didn’t want to admit the truth because, yeah, I was fucking attracted to Tyler. “Can a guy be attracted to a guy and still be straight?”
He tapped his index finger to his lips. “You know, sexuality is fluid and complex. If there are various degrees of being queer, there’s got to be various degrees of being straight, right?”
I nodded and swallowed hard. But liking a guy would make me queer. Period. Straight guys don’t want to…I bit my lower lip. Kiss another guy goodnight? Wait a minute. Narrowing my eyes, I said, “I know what you’re doing, Teddy. You’re trying to soften the blow. I’m bisexual, huh?”
“I didn’t say that.” A broad smile quirked his lips. “Only you know what’s going on inside you.” He cocked his head. “What if you didn’t have to label it, then what would you say?”
“I’m attracted to a dude. A really hot fucker who I admire in my sport and who’s now my partner on the ice. I even wanted to kiss him goodnight tonight.” Holy fuck, I’d said it aloud. I swallowed even harder, and my nerves frayed. How could I ever look at Tyler again? Wouldn’t it show?
“You wanted to kiss him?” His grin grew wider. “Rowan, I’m so proud of you.” He squealed.
“What? Why?” I wrinkled my forehead. He didn’t understand. “This is a mess. I have to share a hotel room with him this weekend.” Holy fuck. What if I got a boner? What if he did? Slumping my shoulders, I rubbed my forehead. “Oh my God.”
“Hey, Rowan, settle down. It’s not like you need to treat him any differently. He might not even like you back.” His gaze darted across the screen.
My chest pinched. Shit. “That’s not helpful, Teddy. Why wouldn’t he like me back? He’s gay.”
“Gay guys have types too. You might not be his type. That’s all I’m saying.” He worried his lower lip. “Did he give you any indication that maybe he’s into you?”
I thought back over all our times together. It wasn’t until Coach made us partners that things started to click. “He said he likes my freckles.” I touched my nose. Fuck, that was a stupid thing to remember.
With a sharp laugh, Teddy said, “I told you they were cute.” He twisted his lips. “When he was drunk at the bar, did he make any moves on you?”
“I…think he was checking me out. Like, I kept finding him looking at me.” I inhaled deeply as my body flopped between butterflies in my stomach to my chest clenching. If Tyler was into me, did I want to start something with him? I’d never wanted a guy before. Why the hell now?
“That’s a good sign.” His face grew slack. “Rowan, your face is turning white. Are you okay?”
“No, no, I’m not okay. I’m hella confused here. Even if I’m attracted to him and even if he likes me, I don’t know if I want to switch sides, you know?” Jesus fuck, I should call the girl I hooked up with and set myself straight. What the hell was her name again?
“Settle down. Why don’t you give yourself some space and time to process all of this? You don’t have to take action on any of it. Just sit with your feelings.”
“Yeah, I have a few days to process this.” I sank my teeth into my lower lip. Hopefully, I’d snap out of it by this weekend and things would return to normal. And I wouldn’t be checking out his junk in the hotel room. Fuck! My attention was drawn to the phone and the worried look on my friend’s face. “I know we’ve talked about this before, but tell me again how you knew, like really knew, you liked guys.”
A soft smile crept over his lips. “I’ve always been attracted to men and pretty much always knew it. I don’t think what I went through is the same. We all have different paths.”
“Oh, come on, Teddy. Tell me something helpful here.” I scoffed and scrubbed my face. There had to be a way to find out for sure. Porn? “What about porn?”
“What about it? When you watch it, do you focus on the guy or the girl?” He lifted the edge of his mouth.
“Uh, both, I guess.” Shit, bisexual? “I mean, part of it is watching the guy’s reaction to what the girl’s doing to him and putting myself in his place, right?” Or was I just interested in seeing a guy get off? Holy fuck. My eyes grew wide.
Peering at me, he said, “Have you ever watched a video of a guy jerking off?”
My jaw dropped open. “No, why would I do that?” There were videos like that? What was I thinking? Of course, there were.
With a chuckle, he said, “Start there. I’d tell you to go watch some straight-up gay porn, but I don’t want to shock you right off the bat.” His smile waned. “See if it does anything, then maybe you’ll know for sure.”
“Yeah, right.” Jesus, was I going to watch some dude bust a nut after this call? Yes, yes, I was. I had to get to the bottom of these feelings.
He looked off-screen and then came back. “Hey, I need to get going. It’s getting late here.” He held the phone closer to him. “Listen, let things happen naturally with this guy if they’re going to happen, and don’t put a label on yourself. Just go with it, okay?”
“Yeah, right.” As my chest grew tight, I said, “Thanks, Teddy. I wish you were here right now.” He’d been my rock back home, especially when I was worried about Mom .
“Let’s get together over the holidays. You’re coming home, right?” He flashed a grin at me.
“I am, and we will.” I nodded. “See you, buddy. And thanks.” I needed to let him go and figure my shit out.
“Bye, Rowan. Love you.”
“Love you too, man.” I hung up the call and looked around my apartment. I was on a mission now, and there was no better time than the present.
Jumping from the couch, I lowered the shade on my window and strolled into my bedroom. It felt weird to beat off on the couch to gay porn. Why? I don’t know. It wasn’t like anyone could see me. But still, it didn’t sit right.
I dropped my joggers and underwear and climbed onto my bed. Did I need lube for this? Was I even going to get hard? I pressed my lips together. If I was worried about getting a boner in the hotel room with Tyler, then yeah.
After setting my nightstand up with lotion and a roll of toilet paper, it was time to get to work. I leaned my back against my headboard, my legs stretched down the bed. Here goes nothing. I opened my phone, held it to my face, and ran a search for gay man jerking off . That was pretty direct, and Teddy was right. I probably wasn’t ready to watch two guys fucking each other in the ass. A shiver played over my spine. Or was I? No.
I tapped on a link and a video pulled up of a dude sitting on a couch, naked and with a raging hard-on.
“Damn.” I tilted my head. The guy was built and, holy hell, had blond hair like Tyler’s. I’d hit the jackpot on the first try. But maybe it wasn’t a good idea to watch a guy who reminded me of Tyler?
My cock tingled and swelled. “Oh, hello.” Guess he was on board, and yeah, I most certainly was bisexual. I pressed play on the video, and the guy on the screen moaned and hissed as he stroked his cock, stretching toward his rippled abs.
Okay, here we go. My rock-hard dick ached and twitched between my legs, so I poured lotion into my palm and slid my hand over it. Sensation swirled inside me. Damn, that felt pretty good. I watched the guy in the video stroke faster and gasp.
“Fuck…” I matched my strokes with his and rolled my hips, pressure building in my balls. This was getting me off pretty fast. Who’d have thought? But maybe I was only putting myself in this guy’s place? I glanced at the way he opened his mouth and flicked his tongue over his lips.
My cock jerked in my hand and dribbled precum while pleasure sparked through me. Nope, I was enjoying watching him get off. Plain and simple.
As the man’s balls drew up, he rocked his hips, let out a guttural groan, and said, “Fuck, gonna come.”
My body shuddered with sensation, and I pumped my hand over my dick. I was going to come with him. No stopping it. Gasping and panting, my balls grew heavier and tightened. The edge of release taunted me. I wasn’t going to come until the guy on my screen did.
The man’s face and body morphed into Tyler’s as his load shot from the head of his dick. His abs clenched and his face tensed. Cum sprayed his chest and over his fingers, and he moaned with each spurt.
“Holy fuck.” My release ripped through me in harsh pulses of pleasure, my cock spasming as hot cum painted my chest. Dropping my mouth open, I panted through sharp gasps and squeezed my eyes shut as sparks lit up behind them. As it slowed, I opened my eyes.
The video had stopped playing and I dropped my phone to the bed. As I fought to catch my breath, I glanced at the drops of cum peppering my chest. Holy hell, I’d come a lot. And what was with my brain putting Tyler in the video?
“I’m fucking doomed.” Plucking tissue out of the box, I wiped myself off and threw it on the bed next to my phone. Who knew jerking off with a guy could give me such a great orgasm? What would it be like in person? My pulse quickened, but I breathed through it. “You’re bisexual, Rowan. No doubt about it now.” A straight guy wouldn’t get off to that video, right? Or would they? Maybe…shit, I was overanalyzing now.
Tipping my head on the pillow, I gazed at my ceiling. I would never be able to look at Tyler the same way again. Had I ruined our chances of being a winning defensive line this year? What if my head wasn’t in the game when I played with him from now on? What if all I could think about was jerking off with him? Would Coach bench me?
“Get a grip, Rowan.” With a sigh, I threw my legs off the side of the bed and stood. I should keep everything professional with him from now on. No more going to the gay bar with him. And hell, maybe no more study dates at his house. I should find someone else to help me out with assignments. Like a girl. Yeah, a wicked hot girl. A smirk crept over my lips.
Friday morning, the team was boarding our plane for our first of two games in North Dakota. We were about to play the Fighting Hawks. In fucking North Dakota. I’d never been there before, so this would be cool. I walked down the aisle with my backpack slung over my shoulder. The airline had let the team board first and everyone was finding seats toward the back.
My gaze landed on Tyler’s as he dropped into the aisle seat by Myles, who’d sat in the window seat.
Tyler waved at me. “Hey, Mackenzie, sit with us.”
I up-nodded him and glanced around. The guys had already paired up. I’d been successful in keeping myself professional the last few days at the rink and in the classroom. I could do it here. Plus, it would be a little odd if I didn’t sit with him, seeing as how we were D-line partners.
I breathed in deeply and stopped at his row. “Okay, move over, and I’ll take the end.” I could do this.
Myles flicked his gaze to mine. “Can you sit in the middle? I like the window, and Tyler gets up every two seconds to piss.” He chuckled. “So, if you don’t want him climbing over you to get out, sit in the middle.” He arched a brow. “Or maybe you do want him?—”
“Quiet, Myles.” Tyler threw him a glare. “I’ll sit in the middle.” He unbuckled his belt and made to get up.
“Hey, you guys playing pickle in the middle?” Ace twisted around from the seat in front of them.
“Yeah, but I’m not sure if it’s Tyler’s pickle or Rowan’s.” Myles barked out a laugh along with Ace, who held his fist up so Myles could bump it.
“Jesus, guys.” With a huff, Tyler shifted to the middle seat.
I forced a grin. Normally, I’d have a good laugh over comments like that. We were hockey players, for fuck’s sake. But now? Awkward. I sank into my seat and willed myself not to look over Tyler’s muscled body and the way it filled out his team sweats. Nope, I wasn’t going to?—
My traitorous gaze locked on his plump lips and his tongue, gliding over the lower one as he shifted in his seat, buckling himself in. My dick woke. Fucking hell. It was like my sexual attraction to him had been on hyperdrive since I’d watched the damn video. I adjusted myself and settled in, snatching my seatbelt and buckling it.
His gaze flicked to my hands, and he sucked in a quick breath. “So, you ever been to North Dakota?”
“Nope.” I stared straight ahead of me at the back of Ace’s dark head of messy hair. “I have yet to play a school in that state. They weren’t in our conference when I was back at Boston College.” I relaxed into my seat. “What’s it like?”
“Compared to Phoenix? Cold.” Tyler chuckled.
Myles leaned over Tyler. “But then, so is Chicago and Boston, eh?” A grin worked over his mouth.
“Yeah, true.” I reached up and twisted my vent, letting the cool air wash over me. It was hot on this damn plane. Or was it because I was sitting next to Tyler? In any case, I should nap and forget all this nonsense for now .
The engines roared to life and the plane backed out of the gate.
I settled in, tipped my head onto the seat’s headrest, and closed my eyes. This was better. Now, I couldn’t be distracted by Tyler.
“You taking a nap?” Tyler bumped his forearm against mine on the armrest.
“I am.” Maybe I wasn’t being very sociable, but we had plenty of time later for that shit.
After landing in Grand Forks, grabbing a charter bus to our hotel, and having a quick meal in the hotel’s restaurant, the road manager gave us our room keys. Sure enough, I was rooming with Tyler. No surprise there. I strolled next to him with my bag to the elevator. “What time is it?” I scanned the lobby, all in white and beige with dark woods and a crazy swirling carpet of oranges and browns. This place looked and smelled like it hadn’t been remodeled in twenty years.
Tyler slid his phone out of his pocket. “Three.” He glanced toward the spinning glass door at the entry. “We’ve got plenty of time to rest before the game.”
We stopped at the elevator, and I pressed the call button. “Yeah, it’s what, an hour difference? So it’s two back home.” The elevator doors swung open, and I stepped inside, leaving the majority of the team behind us. I needed to focus on anything but being alone in the room with Tyler.
Myles and Ace jumped onto the elevator with us. “Going up?” Myles ticked his brows at me.
“Yeah, what room are you two?” I clasped my hands over my junk. Was it a subconscious defensive move? Maybe.
“Three twelve.” Ace hit the button for the third floor. “You guys? ”
“Three forty.” Tyler rubbed his lips. “I take it Coach has you two rooming together?”
“Yeah.” Ace chuckled. “Gotta keep the queer guys together.”
“Oh, come on, that’s not why.” Myles pushed at Ace’s shoulder. “It’s because he knows we get along and won’t start shit.”
The elevator stopped and the doors slid open. “After you.” I held my hand out to Tyler, my pulse kicking up. Fuck, this was it.
I glanced at Ace and Myles, both giving me knowing looks. Did they know? I’d kept my shit locked up tight the last few days.
“Thanks.” Tyler stepped into the hallway with me following.
Our room was only a few doors down and as we stopped at it, we said our goodbyes to Ace and Myles.
Tyler pressed his keycard against the lock, and it clicked open. Taking a deep breath, his chest expanded as he opened the door. “I’d like to say the room is nice, but it’s about the same as the rest of the place.” He set his bag on the far bed in the room.
I perused the room, two beds with white sheets and comforters, a dark wooden desk against the wall, and a bureau with a television on top of it. “Yep.” I sniffed. “At least the room doesn’t smell like old cigarette smoke and mold like the lobby did.” Dropping my bag on the bed, I unzipped it.
“You noticed that too, huh?” He snickered. “I don’t think we’ve stayed in this place before. I wonder if they got a deal on it?”
“Yeah, maybe.” I fished through my bag for my folded suit. I should take it out and hang it up before it got too wrinkled. Then I should probably nap, but I’d slept so much on the plane that I wasn’t tired. Or maybe I wasn’t tired because my body was on high alert.
Tyler’s phone buzzed on his bed. “Shit, it’s my mom.” He answered the call and sat on the edge of his bed, his phone held to his ear.