Chapter 18
Derek came up out of the subway into the cold winter air one stop before his own. Tonight he wanted the walk to shake off the day. He’d done everything he could, but he’d been unable to keep his client in the country. Now a single father and his two young children were going to be deported, where they would be plunged back into a dangerous and violent situation. It infuriated him that he couldn’t help and all he wanted was a hug from his wife and to hug his children.
The walk helped, but he was still under a cloud of melancholy when he greeted the doorman, collected the mail and headed up in the elevator. When he reached his front door, he hesitated before putting his key in the lock. It was Zuzanna’s day off and he could hear both of his children crying.
He took a deep breath and headed in, plastering a smile on his face. Olivia was standing in the middle of the living room, trying to soothe Ivy by bouncing her perhaps a little too hard and ignoring her teary son, who was pulling at her leg, trying to get her attention with a toy car. Her face was expressionless.
“Hi, sweetheart.” Derek dropped the mail on the counter and took long strides to join his wife. “Tough evening?” He took Ivy from her arms and started humming. The baby reacted to the change and quieted almost immediately. Derek sat on the couch with her and turned his attention to Leo. “What have you got there, sport?” Leo climbed up onto the couch and started “driving” the car over his father’s shoulders.
“How do you do that?” Olivia asked. “I’ve been trying to get them to stop for ages.”
“Sometimes all they need is a change,” he said, but he wondered how long the crying had been going on. “Why don’t you go have a bath and I’ll put these two to bed.”
“Thank you.” Olivia walked silently down the hall and closed the door behind her.
Derek tousled Leo’s hair. “Let’s say good night to Ivy, and then I’ll read you a story.” The baby stirred when Derek lay her down in her crib, but he kept humming and she soon settled again, thumb in her mouth.
Derek sent Leo to his room while he changed out of his suit and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt before heading back to see what his book his son had chosen. Leo wasn’t satisfied with just one so Derek began a second. He was three pages in when he yawned and rubbed his eyes. Leo’s eyes were fluttering closed, so Derek planned to read three more pages. He didn’t make it that far before his own eyes closed as well.
Ivy’s crying woke him a few hours later. He was disoriented but quickly realized he’d dozed off in Leo’s bed. He rolled his stiff neck as he closed Leo’s door and went to see if Olivia was fixing a bottle. But his wife was sound asleep, so Derek scooped up his daughter, changed her diaper, and humming a soft jazz favourite, took her to the kitchen where he warmed a bottle for her.
A few minutes later, Ivy’s tummy was full, and she was dropping back to sleep. Derek put her back in her crib and climbed into bed beside Olivia, spooning into her and breathing in the scent of the lotion—rose and jasmine like her perfume. It would get easier soon. It had to.
* * *
Linney feltlike she was just passing time. The paperwork for Damascus still hadn’t been sorted out, and she was stuck in London. MJ’s new job took all her time, and back home Derek had two children and no time to text with her.
For now, she was considering a trip home, and it was Anna she reached out to.
How much snow do you have?
Lots! Why? Homesick?
Maybe a little. I’m thinking of visiting.
Kirsten’s down south visiting her folks.
Danny I are going down too, to enjoy some warmth.
So maybe in a month or so?
Linney felt dejected. She wasn’t fitting in anywhere right now. Working with Mac was still strange. It was getting easier every day, but she couldn’t wait to get out in the field.
I’ll think about it.
She needed the battle of bureaucracy to be won. And soon.
* * *
It was dark,and the office was just about deserted when Derek leaned against the kitchen counter in the law office while the kettle boiled. His head was down, and his hair was standing on end from the number of times he’d raked his hands through his curls in frustration. The wheels of justice moved too slowly for his liking sometimes.
“You look like you need a break.” Aiden’s voice broke through Derek’s thoughts and he turned around to see the taller man with a gym bag over his shoulder.
“Just gotta break the back of this new case,” Derek muttered.
“You need to get out of here for a bit. Come join me tonight at the gym. Work-life balance and all that.” Derek hadn’t been to a pickup basketball game in months. A busy career and two kids under two were clearly taking a toll.
The kettle whistled and Derek poured himself a big mug of tea. “Sorry, can’t. I have to get home too. Olivia’s having a tough time still.” His stomach growled loudly.
“At least join me for dinner,” Aiden said. “Burgers and fries. On me. Olivia can manage without you for an extra hour. And the case can wait until tomorrow.”
Sensing he wouldn’t win this one, Derek poured his hot tea down the drain. “Fine.” He scratched the stubble on his chin. “But just a quick dinner.”
At the aging diner, they ordered and talked sports. Derek yawned.
“Am I boring you?”
Derek yawned again. “Sorry. There’s just so much on my plate right now. And Ivy’s not sleeping through the night yet. It’s a lot.” Their meal arrived, and they dug in. “When did we do this last?” Derek mused as he sprinkled malt vinegar on his fries.
“Too long,” said Aiden. “I know you’re overwhelmed, but you need to carve out some time for yourself. You’ve got Zuzanna. You should be able to do that.
Derek nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes.” He took a bite of his burger. “I’d forgotten how good these are. I might need basketball if I eat them more often.”
Aiden laughed heartily. “I like the way you think. Can I tell the guys you’ll be back soon?”
“Give me a few more weeks until the baby’s sleeping, but yes. I’ve missed the game too.”
* * *
Ivy was three months old,and Leo closing in on his second birthday when Derek came home late one Friday night to find Olivia sitting quietly in the darkened living room with a suitcase beside her. Zuzanna’s weekend had begun and she wouldn’t be back until Sunday evening.
“Kids in bed?” he asked as he kicked off his shoes and loosened his tie.
Olivia nodded silently, and he noticed the tracks of dried tears on his wife’s face. He leaned down to kiss her gently, and she stiffened.
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do this anymore,” she said flatly.
Derek was confused. “Can’t do what?
“I can’t be a mother. Don’t you see? I’m trapped here. This is not who I’m supposed to be. I have to leave.”
“What?”
“I’ve taken a job in the New York office. I was never cut out to be a mother.” She looked up at him. “You’re an amazing father. You light up whenever Leo or Ivy are around. When I look at them, all I see is years and years of drudgery, my partnership slipping further and further away, and years before I get back to being me. You’ll all be better off when I’m gone.”
Derek stood frozen in front of her as she continued. “This isn’t who I am. I should never have let you talk me into having children. I’m not mother material.” Her voice was void of emotion as she stood up.
“But—” Derek trailed off, finding it difficult to find words, but his eyes were wild with panic as her words sank in. “You … you can’t go. Let’s see a counsellor. Let’s get some more help. I love you. You love them. You’re their mother! You’re my wife! You can’t just leave.” His voice cracked.
“I’ve seen a therapist. I’ve been seeing someone for months. Since before Ivy was born. And yes, I have to leave. To get myself back. For my own sanity.” Her voice broke. “It’s best for all of us.” She picked up her suitcase and walked to the door before turning around and clearing her throat. “Don’t try to find me. I have to start again. I love you, Derek, but I just can’t do this. I’m so sorry.” And with that, she strode out of their condo and shut the door firmly behind her.
“Olivia!” Derek’s voice echoed through the living room. He opened the door, but she was already in the elevator. “Olivia! Don’t go!” He could hear his voice, strident and tormented, echo through the hallway. The elevator door closed. His wife—the love of his life—had left him and their children. Just like that. Just like his father had left him and his mother behind. He stumbled back into the condo and collapsed on the couch. This could not be happening.
It was the sound of the baby crying hours later that startled him out of his shock. Robotically, Derek prepared the formula, sat down in the rocking chair in the nursery, and fed his daughter. His motherless daughter.
“She’ll be back,” he promised Ivy as he rocked her to sleep. “I’m sure she’ll be back.”
So confident of this was Derek, that he didn’t even text Linney. He took the kids out on Saturday morning as usual and then brought them home for an afternoon nap. He kept checking his phone, expecting a message of apology from an embarrassed Olivia. She’d be so sorry she’d frightened him. She’d say she hadn’t been thinking clearly, and that she was on her way home. Of course, she loved her children. And him. She’d never actually leave them all. Surely, she’d never do to him what his own father had done.
But the call never came.
Derek dialled her number on Sunday morning. The phone rang and then the robotic voice of the cell phone provider said, “The number you’re trying to reach is not in service. Le numéro que vous—” Derek’s face went as white as his knuckles. What had Olivia done?
As he fed the children on Sunday evening, Derek finally faced the reality that Olivia might actually have left them. He called his boss and explained there was a family emergency, and that he’d need at least a few days off work. Then he called Zuzanna and told their nanny—his nanny, he realized—to take a week off. Derek needed time alone to figure out what was next. He put the kids to bed, promising them their mummy loved them, and then sat in the dark in the living room staring out over the waterfront. How on earth was he going to find the words to explain to people what had happened to his family?
A week passed, and nothing had changed. Derek hadn’t heard from Olivia, hadn’t told anyone, and was no closer to having answers. He’d ignored a few concerned texts from Aiden. The house was a mess, the laundry pile was the size of a mountain and the kitchen floor was sticky. Leo could tell something was wrong and was throwing tantrums—and food. Derek barely had time to shave most days, and he had almost run out of diapers. He’d never realized just how much Zuzanna did and he was grateful that she was coming back. He’d asked his boss for a few more days.
If Zuzanna was surprised by the state of her employer’s condo or, in fact, of her employer, after her week away, she didn’t say. But Derek felt he needed to explain. To tell her something that made sense.
“Olivia’s been called out of town for a few days. She’ll be back soon.” He desperately needed to believe it. But when he called her office anonymously, he’d been told that Ms. Hastings had transferred to New York. Did he want another attorney? He wanted to scream. He just wanted his wife back. He left messages at the New York office every day but she didn’t reply.
Derek couldn’t eat. He couldn’t sleep, and when Zuzanna took the children out to the park each morning, he broke down, the pain of abandonment by his wife and his father co-mingling into one. the kids were going to grow up without a mother, just like he’d grown up with no father. How could she do this to all of them? Each day, he pulled himself together just in time for them to return. But Zuzanna saw his swollen bloodshot eyes, and he could tell that even if she said nothing, she knew.
Nights were even worse. His bed was cold and empty and the condo was silent, except when Ivy woke up for her bottle. At least, Derek thought morosely, this was one positive of Olivia having not breastfed either of the children. This was one less loss for their daughter.
Finally, he had to go back to work.
“Is everything—what happened to you?” Aiden stood at Derek’s office door with takeout coffee cups in his hand.
“Close the door.”
Aiden kicked it closed with his foot and handed over the coffee. “Derek, what’s wrong? Is it one of the kids? Olivia?” Derek knew just how bad he looked when Aiden added quietly, “Or is it you?”
Derek took a sip of the coffee. “It’s Olivia.” Aiden’s eyebrows rose. “She left. She left the kids. She left me and the kids. She said—” Derek swallowed hard and Aiden saw his Adam’s apple move above his knotted tie. “She said she wasn’t cut out to be a mother. It was hard enough before. I…I don’t know how to do this, Aiden.” He put his head in his hands.
“What does Linney say?” Aiden knew how close the old friends were.
“I haven’t told her yet. I … I just don’t know how.” Derek took a ragged breath. “How do I tell her everything’s so screwed up?”
“Call her.” Derek shook his head. Aiden put his hand on Derek’s shoulder. “If you don’t, I will.” He pointed to Derek’s phone.
* * *
Linney still hadn’t leftLondon for Damascus, but there were positive signs that the tedious bureaucracy would soon be conquered. It had been nice, though, to be back in London, and the spring weather had put a bounce in her step. She had her coat on and was just about to sneak out of work early to join MJ when she felt the phone vibrate in her back pocket.
“Hey, Derek, what’s new? I haven’t heard from you in ages!” They hadn’t gone this long without talking or texting since Linney was dealing with Mac’s alcoholism. When it took Derek a moment to answer, her senses were suddenly on high alert.
“She’s gone.”
Linney was confused. “Who’s gone? And what’s wrong with your voice?” Derek sounded grim. She listened as he explained, sounding detached and cold. It was unbelievable.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m drowning.” A strangled sound escaped.
Linney was shocked at the news, and worried about Derek, who sounded desperate. The comparison to his father was unavoidable.
“I’ll be on the next flight.”
“You don’t have to?—”
“Yes, I do. Don’t argue with me on this. Now, where are the kids?”
“Zuzanna’s with them. I’m at work. Linney, she left almost two weeks ago.”
“Two weeks? And you’re only calling now? Is Aiden with you?” Hearing a sound she took to be confirmation, she continued. “Stay there with him. I’ll call you back in half an hour.”
Linney quickly texted MJ to cancel and managed to find a late flight. She’d have just enough time to throw a few things in a bag. She texted Mac on the way to the airport. He’d just have to understand this was an emergency.
She called Derek back. “I’m on my way. I’ll be there in the morning. I’ll come straight to the condo. Hang tight, okay? Everything will be fine. I promise.” Olivia couldn’t just disappear. Linney would track her down and bring her home.
It felt like the longest flight of her life, but when the plane touched down in Toronto, Linney strode quickly through the airport to the taxi stand. The sun was not up yet. She directed the driver to his waterfront condo and spoke with the doorman, who recognized her from previous visits. He sent her straight up. She knocked on the door, not sure what to expect. When Derek didn’t come to let her in, she tried the doorknob. It was unlocked.
Linney cautiously stepped into Derek and Olivia’s living room. It had always reminded her more of Olivia than of Derek. He was standing at the window, barefoot and in jeans and a rumpled T-shirt, but she didn’t think he was seeing the day come to life. He certainly hadn’t heard her come in. She glanced at her watch. The babies would be awake for the day soon. She stood beside Derek and put her hand lightly on his arm. He turned his head toward her and she almost gasped at how pale he was. He hadn’t shaved and his hair was standing up. The golden flecks in his eyes had been extinguished, and she saw nothing but pain. “I’m here, Derek. Tell me what you need.” He opened his mouth, but no words came out. “It’s okay,” Linney assured him. “We can just stand here if you like.”
Even if it had been two weeks, it was soon clear to Linney that Derek hadn’t processed what was going on yet. She would need to take care of him so he could take care of his kids. Thank goodness they’d kept Zuzanna. Linney led him to the kitchen and sat him down in a chair while she dug through his cupboards for coffee beans. She ground them and started the coffee in silence.
“Who have you told?” she asked eventually, trying to get a handle on the situation.
“Nobody. Just Aiden. And now you.”
“Are you sleeping?” she asked gently, pushing a mug across the breakfast bar.
Derek shook his head. “How can I?” He looked anguished and Linney’s heart broke for him again. Derek’s world had been shattered.
“You need to.”
“Mama mama.” Linney could hear Leo calling for Olivia. Derek took a long sip of coffee and wordlessly went to get his son. He came back with two sleepy bundles and handed Ivy to Olivia. Leo buried his face in his father’s neck.
“Now, Leo, do you remember Auntie Linney? She’s Daddy’s friend. She brought you the fire truck.” Leo turned his eyes shyly toward her and then grinned.
“Fiah tuck.” He squirmed to be let down and ran off to get his toy, bringing it back to show her. Derek took advantage of the moment to prepare Ivy’s bottle. Robotically, he put Cheerios in a bowl for his son and poured some juice into a sippy cup.
Derek’s nanny appeared, somewhat taken aback by Linney’s arrival. She recovered quickly. “Nice to see you again. Miss Linney.”
“Nice to see you again too, Zuzanna. I’ll be here for a while, helping Mr. Blake.” It had always amused her that Olivia kept them on formal terms. Zuzanna nodded, and as she took Ivy from Linney’s arms, the women shared a meaningful look that Linney took to be a bit of relief that Derek had finally told someone who could help support him.
Derek had turned back to the window, staring blankly. Linney took things into her own hands. “Zuzanna, would you be able to take the children out for most of the day? To the Science Centre? Or a museum? Or—well wherever kids go.” Linney realized she had no idea. “I’d like some time with Derek.
“Of course, Miss Linney. I’ll pack their things. We will come back about two or three o’clock.”
It took Zuzanna twenty minutes to get the children dressed and a diaper bag ready. She packed extra clothes, diapers, toys, a couple of bottles and snacks. To Linney, it looked like they planned to be gone for a week.
And then suddenly it was just Derek and Linney. Linney held out her arms and Derek buried his face in her shoulder as he gave in to two weeks of hurt and confusion.
“You need to sleep,” she said and he shook his head. “Lie down here right here, on the couch. Let me carry the burden for a while.”
Derek was too exhausted to argue. He put his head on a pillow in Linney’s lap and her fingers carded his hair. “Thank you for coming,” he whispered, as his eyes slowly closed.
* * *
Linney slipped outfrom under Derek when he’d been asleep for an hour. She made soup and had biscuits in the oven when she heard movement from the living room. Derek stretched out his huge frame on the extra-long couch. Sitting up, he rubbed his eyes, gritty with sleep and worry.
“Thank you for coming,” he said again, clearing his throat and joining her in the kitchen.
“Where else would I be at a time like this?”
“That smells good.” He tilted his head. “Like your grandmother’s.” Linney nodded. He’d noticed. “But I should go take a shower before the kids get home.”
“Go take your shower. Soup can wait.”
Linney puttered in the kitchen while she listened to the sounds of Derek in the bathroom. The pipes shuddered when he turned the water off, and a few minutes later, he returned in fresh clothes, clean-shaven and with damp curls.
They talked, and as Linney convinced Derek to tell his mother and their Silver Lake friends, she gave him a bowl of soup and a plate with biscuits and butter. Derek ate it all, and an apple.
“You know, it doesn’t matter if there were signs or not,” Linney interrupted when Derek berated himself for missing them. “What matters now is that we figure out how you go on from here.” They talked quietly and Linney squeezed his hand when he needed support.
“I’m just so glad you’re here,” he said to her, feeling clearer than he had in a long time.
By the time Zuzanna arrived back with the children, and he offered to put them down for their naps, Linney thought she saw the stirrings of life in his eyes again.
Zuzanna pulled her aside after she folded up the stroller. “Miss Linney, you can help Mr. Blake? He is so sad. And the children can tell.”
“I hope so, Zuzanna. Do you happen to have Aiden’s cell phone number?” Zuzanna nodded and Linney smiled.
The next day, as soon as Derek left for work Linney made use of the number.
Hi, it’s Derek’s friend Linney. I’m in Toronto.
How’s he doing?
Not great, but at least he slept yesterday. He’s on his way in to work.
Glad you came. How can I help?
Don’t know yet. I can’t stay for long, but I can get him back on his feet. You might have to help him stay there.
Do you think she’ll come back?
I’m going to try and find her today and see if I can convince her.
Good luck.
It didn’t take too long, with Linney’s investigative skills, to track Olivia down. She had used her credit cards to book her flight to New York City and for the hotel she was staying at. She’d got a new cell phone number and Linney knew she’d put down a deposit on a condo there. Linney told Derek all she’d found that evening.
“Derek, do you want me to go? Try and convince her to come home? Maybe she’ll talk to me.”
His eyes gave her the answer. “Would you? I’m desperate. She won’t answer my calls. I’ve tried. She just disappeared.”
* * *
Linney satin the hotel lobby, waiting. Eventually, Olivia would have to sleep. It was dark when she walked through the lobby door, beautifully dressed. She wore a chic coat over a form-fitting suit and carried an expensive-looking briefcase. Judging by how it was bulging Linney thought it looked like Olivia was planning to do more work that evening. There was a smile on her face and no hint of the exhaustion of a working mother of a baby and a toddler.
“Olivia.” Linney met her in front of the elevators, prepared to plead with Derek’s wife.
The taller woman stopped but didn’t lose her composure.
“Linney.” She shook her head firmly. “You shouldn’t have come. There’s nothing to say. They’re better off without me.”
“How can you say that? Derek loves you. Leo and Ivy need you.”
Olivia shook her head again. “I just can’t do it. I was drowning, and I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I wasn’t meant to be a mother. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.” Olivia pushed the elevator button, and the door opened. She got in and turned back to Linney. “Linney,” she said definitively, in a cold detached voice. “Tell him to forget me. I’m not coming back. The children are so much better off with him than they ever would be with me.”
The door closed, leaving Linney staring, open-mouthed. Something told her this was the last time she would see Olivia.
In the end, Linney stayed with Derek for a week, helping him build a new routine and working with Zuzanna to see where she could help a little more. She was by his side when he called his mother and together, they told Kirsten, Anna, and Danny. Aiden came for dinner and Derek began to understand he had people he could lean on. He made an appointment to see a therapist at Linney’s encouragement. It wasn’t going to be easy, but by the time she left for London, he knew he was going to be okay.