20. The Island in the Sea #3
He runs his hand down my back, and I shiver. Will my body always react to his like this, forever? I hope so.
“Let’s not talk about it anymore. I think you owe me a massage anyway, don’t you?”
“You were being serious.”
“Yes, I was being serious. Get those beautiful fingers ready.”
“Okay, but I don’t know how good it would be. I don’t know how to give them. I’ve never even had one.”
“Not even in the Palace?”
I shake my head.
He grins. “You don’t know what you’re missing. We get shown how to give them, for our muscles after training.” He places a hand on my shoulder. “Here. Just relax.”
He guides me so I’m lying down flat on my front, the sand warming me. He sits over me and begins kneading the skin on my shoulders and back. I’m hyper-aware of everywhere his fingers are.
I can feel my muscles loosening already. I sigh.
And then I’m aware of another sensation growing in my body. It comes with heat, and tingling. I’m starting to get very used to feeling it.
“Cosmer,” I say, gently. “Can you stop for a second?”
He does, and I turn myself around.
He gasps, as if seeing me for the first time. His eyes travel over my body. Half of me wants to fold my arms, cover up. But I stay still. Let him look at me, a flush creeping into my face.
I reach for his shoulders. Bring him closer to me.
“If we…” I start, then let the sentence fall away.
How do I even ask for what I want right now? I wish I’d had an older sister or female friend, someone to learn these things from. Someone who could tell me I didn’t need to feel the shame I was feeling.
While in Hevalla, you must remain intact.
But we’re not in Hevalla anymore. We’re on a desert island in the middle of exactly nowhere. For right now, this moment, we could be the king and queen of it.
I swallow. Start again. “If we…”
“Made love?” Cosmer guesses.
“I wouldn’t want to get pregnant.”
Cosmer shakes his head. “They plan for that. They know stuff can happen when we’re all living in close quarters – even though it’s technically frowned upon. But, I guess they can’t take the risk of ship babies. So, we’re all given a tonic – I would use it on you.”
My mouth feels drier than the sand. “So, I could have you?”
He leans over me even more. His face is right above mine.
“However, and wherever, you wanted.”
I chew my bottom lip. “Does the tonic hurt?”
“It didn’t hurt the women I’ve used it on, no. Just made them more wet, if anything.”
The sentence stings me like an insect bite. I shift from under him.
He straightens up, sucking air. “Cosmos. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have phrased it like that.”
“It’s okay,” I decide to say, because this shouldn’t be coming as a surprise to me. I murmur under my breath reluctantly, “I gathered you knew what you were doing.”
He’s blushing. But he also looks agitated. “It’s a stress reliever on the ship – and you know how stressful it gets up there. That’s all.”
I blink. “One of the women wasn’t Meg, was it?”
He snorts. “Meg? What, no. Of course not. Why would you think that?”
“You just seemed to be talking to her a lot at the morale booster.”
He rolls his eyes. “About you.”
“Really?”
He swipes his hair out of his face. “I was trying to find out more about this procedure she wants to do on you. And what she thinks the magic on you even is.”
“And what does she think?”
“A memory repressor. She’s seen it in other FIs who lived in the Palace – probably to protect the Queen’s secrets.”
I readjust my body on the sand to try to get comfortable again. “I have no idea what memories I would have that would be worth them repressing, or secrets that would be worth protecting.”
“It’s definitely strange. But we’ll get to the bottom of it.” He adds, “Just keep your guard up. I don’t see what she could get out of helping you. And I think she always gets something out of whatever she does. She got to first way before most people even make it to second.”
I nod. But the truth is, I don’t really want to be talking about Meg with him right now.
As I breathe out through my nose, I can see my chest moving. It now feels so exposed, and my breasts seem tiny. I contemplate getting up and putting my clothes back on.
In fact, I can’t see anything I like about my body from here.
I used to look fairly healthy and curvy.
I lost it all over my five years in Hevalla.
I do have some muscle from fishing, but my body looks more fragile than it does strong, my hipbones like stones under my skin.
My skin is too tanned and peeling – more evidence of my years of labour under the sun – and the scars at my elbows, still irritated for some reason, are a bright and angry red. Grotesque.
Cosmer exhales, clutching sand and letting it spill out again. “I’m sorry. I’m fucking this up for you. We can just go back to the ship.” He adds, “I didn’t just bring you here to sleep with you, by the way. I just thought you’d like to see the island.”
“I love it, Cosmer,” I tell him, reassuringly. “But maybe let’s just lie here a while.”
He strokes my face. “Whatever you want.”