Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
Austin
MY BED WAS A CONFESSIONAL, the ceiling my priest, as I lay frozen, silently confessing my sins.
God, if you’re there, please let my slip of the tongue get past her … I thought.
I wanted nothing more than for Elle to remember our night for the perfection it was. We’d spent the last few hours in heaven, but my panic quickly descended me into hell as I thought about the lie that had brought us together. The one that could easily tear our night—and us—apart.
“What did you just say?” she asked. A ribbon of concern wrapped the question.
She didn’t shift from my embrace. Instead, she burrowed her nose further into my pounding chest, as if she didn’t want to hear my answer. What was I supposed to say to Elle that wouldn’t hurt her? This wasn’t the right time, but would it ever be?
There would never be a good time to face the possibility of losing her.
“I said, sleep well … in these sheets,” I lied. Another lie. Panic engulfed my euphoria.
“Oh … okay.” She further stilled, to the point that her breathing was no longer detectable, stuck in something I prayed wasn’t realization. “I’m sorry. I must’ve misheard you. It sounded like something else.” She swallowed. “Something a friend used to say to me a lot …”
Her loose hair cascaded down her back—a view I’d envisioned for months.
One I wasn’t fucking worthy of.
The liar, the lesser of the two of us. How could I keep the truth hidden inside while she bled all her remaining trust into me?
Would she ever trust me again once she knew?
“Tomorrow is a new day,” I whispered, kissing her cheek. “Get some rest. Your body will thank you.”
A moment of silence passed.
“Thank you for the best night I’ve ever had.”
Fuck me.
Was she crying? Her body trembled weakly.
“Don’t thank me.” I squeezed her tighter against me, where she belonged. “Just tell me you’ll do your best to keep your heart open for me,” I added.
She shifted before her grip tightened around my waist. As if I were modeling clay, her hands had the power to mold me into whatever she needed.
We lay, facing each other, our limbs tangled and hearts thumping in unison. Our position was the most intimate of the night.
“What do you mean by that?” she asked.
I was tense, knowing that every second that passed brought our time together closer to its inevitable end. How could I ever prepare for that?
“You’ve been through a lot, and I know it’s too soon for you to think about a future with someone else.”
She winced at the honesty that salted my words.
“But you’re an incredible woman, and I hope that when you’re ready, you’ll give me a chance to be more than a distraction.
I’m not the type of guy who wants to pressure you.
But I can’t pretend it wouldn’t hurt me if you forgot about us when the weekend faded and you found yourself back in Pensacola.
” I sighed. “This isn’t the weekend I’m sure you were expecting and … ”
She smiled, cutting me off with that gorgeous, sparkling beam that could lead a midnight crusade.
“The only things you’ve distracted me from are my stagnant taste in men and the relationship I thought was keeping me afloat, Austin.” She shook her head. “You’re right though. This weekend wasn’t what I’d expected …” Her shoulders softened.
I held my breath, hoping to cushion the blow of what came next. I wanted her truth, but just as mine could hurt her, hers could hurt me.
“It was better.” She kissed my chest. Her fingers traced my tattoos, tickling the ink with mutual understanding.
“Way better,” I whispered.
The moment obliterated every preconceived notion I’d had about how the weekend would go. She’d surpassed every hope I’d had for our short few days together.
My chest reinflated. I could breathe, knowing I’d made the right choice in writing back to her and showing her the video of Jesse and Rita. How could we be anything but made for each other?
“You think we’ll be able to get out a bit tomorrow?”
No. No, no, no. Don’t ask to see him. Tell me I’ve given you all the clarity you need and that you never have to speak to his pathetic ass again …
“The plows usually come throughout the day after a big snowfall. We might be able to, but no promises.”
“I’m sure they prioritize the base though, right? Can’t imagine they wouldn’t start there,” she guessed.
Her guess was correct.
“Right.” Disappointment clung to my face like a mask.
“Will you have to work tomorrow? It’s a weekday.”
“Instructors get a few days off after their division graduates. I can take the overtime, but I wasn’t planning on it since you’re here.”
“Would it be a good time to talk to Jesse?” She stared past me and out my window. “I feel like I finally have the information I need to face him and close that chapter of my life for good.”
“Yeah. That might work,” I said flatly, pretending her words hadn’t almost just killed me.
I had to get him out of her head somehow, even if it meant taking her to confront him myself.
She noticed.
“I want to leave him here. It has nothing to do with you, okay?”
I hadn’t had a lick of reassurance on anything in my life since my grandparents had passed.
It felt good.
“I understand.” I didn’t. “If we can get there tomorrow, I’ll take you to him. But you have to promise me something.”
I quieted and ran the backs of my fingers down her spine. My hands refused to be empty of her.
“Anything.”
Her confident response to my blind request told me she felt safe with me.
“You can’t let him hurt you again.” I shook my head, replaying her pain from memory as if it were my own. It felt like it was.
“I won’t … I didn’t let him hurt me the first time though. I hope you realize that.”
She was right.
Fuck, why did I say it as if it were her fault?
“I know it wasn’t. It absolutely wasn’t. The first time is never a choice, but it could be if you let him in again.”
“I’m done with liars, Austin. I want nothing more than to help myself heal and move on to bigger and better things. Things meant for me. Things that come into my life for a reason, not a selfish season.”
Oh, I was screwed. I smoothed the hair resting on her temple and inhaled her scent, the apple aroma immediately calming my pulse.
If she was done with liars, what would she do when she found out she was sleeping with one?
“What’s meant for us will always find us. My grandfather taught me that. The tides always bring you back to shore if you let them.”
“Well, I believe him,” she said matter-of-factly. “And I believe you were the exact person who was supposed to relay that to me this weekend.” She yawned.
I kissed her lips, quietly giving her the permission she sought to fall asleep and hopefully dream of me. Minutes later, she lay still in my bed.
In my arms.
In my life.
In my heart.
In my head.
It had only taken two years of waiting for her, less than two months of writing to her, and two days of experiencing her to know I was in love with her.
“I love you, Elle,” I whispered. “I hope you can forgive me someday.”
Sweet sleep had pulled her too deep into her dreams for her to hear me.