27. Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Simeon
W atching Ryan’s fingers fly across the keyboard was something to behold. He’d praised me for having an external mouse—as if that was something I’d known to do. Truthfully, I struggled with the trackpad, and Bops gifted me the mouse soon after he’d witnessed the pain and extra effort required on my part. I could secure the fidgetiest screw, but trackpads were beyond me.
Go figure.
Ryan explained things as he went along. How he was porting the data. How he was setting up the programs the same way so I wouldn’t have a steep learning curve. How I needed to back more things up to the cloud as well as an external hard drive. My old laptop hadn’t crashed—but he said it’d only been a matter of time. I needed to be more careful with my data.
I wasn’t certain I trusted something I couldn’t see. I could see my laptop. I supposed I’d be able to see an external hard drive.
On the other hand, I couldn’t see the internet.
Except I didn’t really trust it either.
Ryan continued to work, occasionally stopping to pet Chia.
She always rewarded him with little kisses to his hand.
He consumed three hot chocolates while he worked. Did he used to mainline coffee or cola during those marathon gaming sessions? He’d mentioned them. In passing. And I couldn’t fathom spending so much time at the computer in one shot. That just…felt ridiculous. Perhaps if I was working on something critical…or helping someone. But just to play a game? I would never say I thought the endeavor was a waste of time. Certainly, for me, the thirty minutes I’d spent with Angus and Oliver had been more than enough.
“Okay.” He clicked something else. “If I’m still here tomorrow, I can get Bops to show me how he does your accounting. Maybe I can get things organized between the two of you. The method you have now is labor intensive. You could streamline to be more efficient.”
“B-but this is the way we’ve always done it.” I scratched my nose.
“Sometimes there are better ways.” He gazed at me with those intense blue eyes. “It won’t be tough for me to show you.” He pointed to the laptop. “The rest will keep.”
“I checked the w-weather. It’s supposed to snow pretty much f-for the next twenty-four hours. D-did you need to be anywhere?”
“Just physio on Monday. I can call Marcus if I can’t make it. How about you?”
“J-just the prefab at Kennedy’s. I’ll n-need to clear a path from the main house. Unless Rainbow’s d-done it.”
He arched an eyebrow. “That’s a long way.”
I smiled. “Rainbow enjoys physical l-labor. I don’t ask. She’ll also have the horses to w-worry about. That’s a lot.”
“What she and Kennedy have created…” I sighed. “Along with Justin and Avery. Denise and Max…”
“Yeah. S-special.” I stroked Chia who’d stubbornly remained in Ryan’s lap. Good thing she was so light. Otherwise his legs might’ve gone numb.
“Will you take her?”
“Of course.” Gently, I eased her onto my lap.
She licked my chin.
I grinned.
Ryan slowly rose.
“You o-okay?”
“Too long sitting.” He laughed. Not a pleasant sound. “I used to sit for hours and hours without taking a break. So unhealthy. But now that I can’t, I almost miss those days.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “And I need to piss like no one’s business.”
“Ah. You know w-where it is.” He’d needed to use it when he’d come over the last time. Before we’d headed upstairs for a quiet and non-stressful meal with my grandparents.
Ryan rose and headed to the bathroom. I’d have to go myself soon.
Moments after he’d gone in, he popped his head back out. “Do you have a spare toothbrush?”
I laughed. “In a drawer.”
He disappeared.
And reappeared a moment later. “That’s enough toothbrushes to survive until the next millennium.”
Again, I laughed. “Nanny likes to s-stock up. She found them on s-sale.”
He smiled. “You could have dozens of overnight guests and never run out.” With that, he disappeared again.
I stroked Chia’s fur. I don’t want dozens of overnight guests. I only want you .
That thought struck me with a force I didn’t expect. I knew I was gay. Had admitted that to my grandparents a long time ago. Had basically come out of the closet with Maddox, Gio, and Ryan last week. I could’ve refused to answer. I could’ve lied. But, in that moment—with that group of men—I’d felt comfortable.
Chia nuzzled my chest.
“We n-need to get you settled. I’ll be on the c-couch right next to you. You n-never have to be scared again.”
Ryan cleared his throat as he stood across the room. “We had this discussion—I’m taking the couch.”
“N-no.” Slowly I rose and carried Chia over to her bed. Again, she turned three times and settled.
“Simeon.”
“N-no.”
He sighed. “How about a compromise?”
I cocked my head.
“I’m going to assume you have a big bed.”
I nodded. California king. Biggest Nanny could get from the mattress store over in Abbotsford. She’s been pleased it fit the bedroom.
“We could probably share the bed.” He smiled ruefully. “Your virtue is safe with me.”
But what if I don’t want it to be?
Wait.
Where did that thought come from?
Ryan was injured and still healing. He’d shown zero interest in me—either romantically or sexually. And I didn’t do one-night stands. Hell, I didn’t do any stands. I couldn’t argue with his logic, though. Two adult men. Sharing a bed.
You could just go upstairs and sneak into the spare bedroom. Nanny wouldn’t be shocked to see you in the morning.
Yeah, but that means being away from Ryan and Chia…they might need me.
“I might jostle you.”
“You might.” Ryan tilted his head. “So I should take the couch—”
“No.” Just give in. What’s the worst that can happen?
I could think of a dozen things, but none seemed particularly realistic.
Finally, I nodded. “O-okay. We share a b-bed.” My stomach clenched.
Ryan grinned. “Don’t worry. This is a new experience for me.” He eyed his clothes. “My jeans are in the dryer. These sweatpants are comfortable.” He fingered his Henley. He’d need it tomorrow.
“I can g-give you a sweatshirt.”
“That would be great.”
I headed over to the bedroom.
Ryan followed.
Chia followed.
Crap. I halted.
Both my companions did as well.
“D-do you think we should m-move her bed? Or I c-can keep the bedroom d-door open.”
Ryan eyed Chia. “I suspect she’s going to follow us. Her entire world has been turned upside down today. I think having her bed in the bedroom isn’t a bad thing.”
I nodded. “Yeah.” I entered the bedroom and opened the drawer for my sweatshirts. I had an adorable red Christmas one Nanny had bought. I hadn’t had the heart to tell her the thing was too small. She’d inquired once—and I’d told her I was saving it for a special occasion. As I handed it to Ryan, I acknowledged this was a pretty special occasion. Quickly, I headed into the main room to grab Chia’s bed. I didn’t want Ryan to feel uncomfortable changing around me.
As I returned to the bedroom, though, I winced. I’d miscalculated.
Badly.
Ryan was struggling to get out of his Henley. And his scars were on full display.
Since his face was covered, I tried to quietly back away.
And stepped on Chia’s paw. Or tail. Or something.
She yipped. More of indignation, I hoped, then any actual injury.
“It’s okay.” Ryan’s voice was muffled. “I could use help. It’s been a long day, and I don’t usually wear things I need to pull over my head.”
I laid Chia’s bed in the corner of the room, then I moved to Ryan. Figuring things out didn’t take much time. Not staring at the vicious scars was another thing. Obviously they’d healed enough to not need bandages anymore. I’d cut myself badly a couple of years ago and I quickly reviewed just how long it had taken to fully heal. Even now, I had a white scar left. Will he always be like this? The pain? Emotional and physical.
Gently, I helped him out of the Henley.
Our gazes met.
He swallowed. “One day, like ten years from now, they’ll be pale like Adam’s.” He blinked. “I keep telling myself that I’m lucky my face isn’t scarred—but he seems to have made a happy life for himself. He said…” Another swallow. “He said going to Healing Horses really helped.”
“They’ll h-help you too.” I snagged the sweatshirt. “N-not as garish as Quinton’s sweater…” Just a Christmas tree, mistletoe, and a pile of presents. Nanny had thought it would put me in the holiday spirit one year when I’d really been missing my mom. Not my dad…just my mom.
“Quinton is bad news.”
I laughed. “J-jealous?” I meant it as a joke, but his serious expression had me hesitating.
He cleared his throat. “Maybe.”
I gathered the sweatshirt the way my mom used to so I could help her. “J-jealousy is a wasted emotion. Especially w-when it’s not warranted.” I gestured for him to put his arms out.
He obeyed. He winced…but he managed.
My heart ached. “Quinton is j-just a friend. A good guy. He t-took care of Adam. He helps people. That’s r-really cool.”
Our hands brushed as he put his arms in the holes. Once he’d succeeded at that, I slowly eased the sweatshirt over him, mindful to not touch him anywhere else. He didn’t need that.
He popped his head out. His hair was disheveled, and I resisted the urge to smile. He looked absolutely adorable. He pulled the sweatshirt into place and then cleared his throat. “Sorry.”
I blinked. “W-what for?”
“For not being capable of doing things for—”
I moved swiftly, placing my finger over his lips. I couldn’t take it. Yes, I probably shouldn’t be touching him. But I couldn’t hear any more without losing it completely. “I d-don’t care about that. If you can p-put up with my stutter, then I can help you while not judging.”
This time, he blinked. “ Put up with ? What kind of next-level bullshit is that?”
I winced.
He held up his hand. “Sorry, I keep forgetting you don’t swear.”
Part of me was absurdly grateful, and flattered, that he’d noticed. “I c-can swear. If I hit my f-finger with a hammer? I p-promise you I can swear.”
“Still, you’re getting off topic.”
“I d-didn’t know there was a topic.” A complete bald-faced lie. He wanted to talk about my stutter. Specifically, my perception of my stutter. Well, just as he didn’t want to talk about his scars, I didn’t want to talk about my defect either. That’s what my father had always called it. A defect. And, of course, if Nanny heard me speaking like that, she’d have washed my mouth out with soap. Or threatened to. She’d spent the last seventeen years trying to undo the damage inflicted by my father in the first nineteen.
Ryan pointed to his scars. “They might heal, but they’ll never go away.” He gently laid his hand on his heart. “I’ll miss my friends every day. Justin says eventually I’ll reconcile the fact I lived, and they died. The fact there wasn’t a damn thing I could’ve done to prevent it. That I wasn’t responsible.”
“O-okay. I think it’s admirable t-that you’re trying.” I remembered him telling me about his friends. This must be so hard for him. Slowly, I offered my hand.
Just as slowly, he took it.
“Y-you can tell me anything. I’ll always l-listen.”
He pursed his lips. “Same goes. But I’ll argue the hell out of you if you say that bullshit again. I don’t know where it came from—”
“M-my father.” I hesitated. “I c-can hear his v-voice in my h-head.” Great. Extra stuttering because I’m getting emotional. I squeezed his hand. “I p-promise to try harder. F-for you.”
“Well, I think you should try for yourself—but I’ll take whatever I can get.” He yawned. “I think I need to go to bed.”
I smiled. “Please d-do. I’ll be there in a m-moment.” I still felt I should be sleeping on the couch, but I was too tired for a fight. Also, I didn’t want to leave him alone. He might be by himself every night, but he was in a strange house. That had to mess with his head. At least, it would have with me. I squeezed his hand again, then gently let it go. I moved to the dresser and grabbed sleep pants and a T-shirt. I tended to sleep hot, and I’d just given him a sweatshirt. Hopefully this might balance us out.
In the bathroom, I pissed, brushed my teeth, and got undressed. In the height of the summer, I might sleep naked. The rest of the time I wore clothes—to be respectable if Nanny or Bops needed me urgently.
I’m not going to have them forever. I need to plan accordingly. But I can’t face this. Not yet. I understood time was finite. And they were getting frailer. And having a dog wouldn’t necessarily be a good thing. On the other hand, they’d always wanted a great-grandchild, and Chia could be that. God knew, I was never having kids. Because to have kids, I’d need a spouse. And God knew, again, that I had zero prospects.
After shutting off the lights, I headed back toward the bedroom. When I stepped across the threshold, Chia yipped.
I gave her the look. “I l-live here. P-protect us against intruders.”
She huffed, then quickly resettled.
A chuckle came from the bed. “Do you think she understood you?”
“I d-don’t know. I figure if I speak to her like a c-child, then she might understand me.”
Another chuckle as I put away my clothes. “Simeon, I don’t think intruder is likely part of her vocabulary. Maybe not even protect .”
I shrugged. “We d-don’t know. I’ll c-call Torah tomorrow.”
“Is it not tomorrow already? I feel like I’ve been awake for days. Like before…”
I slid into bed. I wanted to gather him into my arms—which was a weird feeling—but I couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Not only because I didn’t have permission—although that was a big one. But because I worried about hurting him. I worried that both psychologically and physically, I might injure him. I flipped off the lamp.
Ryan gasped.
“Oh yeah. I can t-turn it off.”
“No…I like it.”
The room glowed with a low-purple light. Barely noticeable, but there. I wasn’t going to tell him the reason. “D-dark room. I need to find my way around if something happens.” Please don’t suggest I just turn on a light. Please don’t judge.
“I…I like it. I’m not in the dark anymore. I need to never be in the dark again.”
I didn’t know if he meant metaphorically or physically. Possibly both. “Sleep, Ryan. I’ll watch over you.”
He yawned again. “Yeah, I believe you will.”
To my surprise, his breathing evened out shortly after that. He must really be tired. I’ll have to make sure he doesn’t overdo it again. To which I reminded myself I couldn’t be telling him what to do. Or what not to do. He was an adult. A warrior. More than I’d ever done.
Eventually, I drifted off as well.