28. Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ryan
A wareness came in degrees. The ache in my chest that was always present. The warmth surrounding me. The sense of comfort. Finally, of strength. Not necessarily mine…but someone’s.
And then the weight on my legs registered.
Don’t panic. You’re not in the war. Just…reason it out.
I shifted.
Something shifted with me.
“Are you o-okay?”
Simeon’s sleep-roughened voice washed over me.
All the events of the previous day came flooding back. I grinned. “We have company.”
My bed companion sat up abruptly. “Chia?”
“Yeah, she’s on my legs.”
“I’ll g-get her off.” He was already moving.
“It’s okay.”
“No. She shouldn’t be on the b-bed.” He bent forward.
Taking the warm blankets with him.
I groaned. “It’s too early.” I didn’t actually know the time. I’d put my phone on the nightstand, said a prayer it wouldn’t run out of battery, then realized it didn’t matter if it did. Who would call me anyway?
“She m-might need to go out.”
“By all means.” Simeon had a beautiful sandy-brown comforter with stripes of burgundy and deep green. A pee spot wouldn’t match. “I should get up too.”
“N-no, don’t.” He snagged Chia and rose. “Unless you have t-to, uh, you know…”
“Piss?”
He sucked in a breath. “Uh, yeah.”
“I do need to. Too much hot chocolate.”
“And eggnog.”
“And eggnog.” Although that had been earlier in the evening.
He rose and scooted out of the room with the pooch in his arms.
I gingerly rolled to my side and then eased off the bed. Marcus had shown me how to do this so as to cause the least amount of pain. I wandered out into the main room to find morning light hadn’t even appeared. I pissed, washed my hands, and glanced in the mirror. My beard’s getting a little bushy. Will anyone care? Will Simeon?
Because for the first time in my life, I was feeling stirrings of attraction for a man. Anyone who came before—the few hookups—had been about satisfying a physical itch. Well, not even that. They’d usually been in retaliation for something nasty my father had said. As if I could prove my manhood by hooking up with a guy and getting my cock sucked. Or, on occasion, sucking a cock. Enough of this . Dwelling on past decisions—pathetic as they might’ve been—wouldn’t keep me moving forward.
Exiting the bathroom, I found Simeon toweling down Chia as she licked his face.
“Did she?”
“Yeah. I have to r-remember the spot because I didn’t take a bag, and it’s f-freezing out.”
“How about the snow?” He’d turned off the outside light, so all I saw was darkness.
“It’s b-bad. We’re protected under the d-deck. Beyond that, though, it’s a w-wall of snow.”
“Yikes.”
He nodded. “We have s-supplies.”
I grinned. “I figured you might. You seem very much like a boy scout.”
“Uh, no. G-group activities weren’t my thing.”
Of course not. Because likely kids made fun of him. I could hope not, but I knew how cruel kids could be. They’d taunted me about my weight constantly. So had my father. And apparently Simeon’s father had been no better.
I yawned.
“G-go back to bed.”
I tried to wave him off. Then caught sight of the clock. “It’s five-thirty.”
He gently eased the dog back down. “G-go back to bed.”
“Will you come?”
He tilted his head. “I have to…p-piss. Then I’ll come b-back.”
I grinned. “See? I can corrupt you.”
“You’re a b-bad influence on me.”
Taking that the wrong way could’ve been so easy. But I chose not to. If he was saying this, he likely meant it as gentle teasing—not something nasty.
Feeling a chill, I made a beeline back to bed as he headed to the bathroom.
Chia followed me and flew up onto the bed.
I gaped. How something so small could clear that height was beyond me. I eyed her. “You’re going to be a bad influence on me.”
She blinked.
I pointed. “Your bed.”
She blinked.
I made a shooing motion.
She remained unmoving.
“You’re n-not in bed?” Simeon stepped into the room. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh . I asked. Nicely. I tried to shoo her.” I winced. “I would’ve lifted her—”
“No.” He stepped toward her. “S-she just needs a firm hand.” He lifted her into his arms.
She licked his cheek.
He giggled.
Oh yeah…firm hand. She’s got you wrapped around her little paw. I eyed her. Okay, maybe both of us .
Simeon laid her on her bed. “S-stay.”
She blinked.
I laughed. “We’ll see how long that lasts.”
He sighed. Then gestured for me to get into bed.
I did—disappointed to discover any residual heat had dispersed. I shivered.
“You c-cold? I can turn up t-the heat.”
“It’s fine.” I settled as best I could—ignoring the ache in my chest.
“I w-wish I could cuddle you.”
“Oh?” Another thing I’d never done. Before I could think better of it, I patted the spot beside me. “You could get close.”
A long moment went by. “I d-don’t want to hurt you.”
“I promise I’ll say if it hurts. Just don’t put pressure on the center of my chest.” I figured he knew that much. He’d seen the scars. And he hadn’t run for the hills. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have ever thought he might. That just wasn’t who he was.
Slowly, inch by inch, he eased toward me. Eventually, he pressed against me. “L-like this?”
I shifted so I could settle against him. “Yeah, this is nice.” Awkward as fuck…but nice. I moved my hand and, after a moment, he snagged it.
A sense of well-being settled over me.
“Thank you.”
“You w-welcome.” He gently laid his cheek against my shoulder. “S-sleep.”
Surprisingly, I did.
When I awoke, a feeling of refreshment settled over me. Different from before. A calm like I hadn’t felt in a long time. I shifted.
“You o-okay?”
I nearly snapped that I didn’t need him asking me that all the time. Then I remembered that, first, he’d seen my scars. Secondly, he meant nothing by it. He wasn’t hovering. He was merely concerned. “Yeah, I’m okay.” To my surprise, we still held hands.
Then, from nowhere, an impulse overtook me. “Simeon?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Would you…?” I couldn’t finish the thought.
He stiffened.
Damn.
“What’s w-wrong? What d-do you need?”
For you to kiss me. For you to prove to me that I’m still desirable. For you to remind me what life can be like.
I hesitated. That was asking so much. Just because we held hands, didn’t mean he felt that way toward me. Just because we shared a bed, didn’t mean anything would happen. He was being solicitous. Kind. Courteous. Chivalrous.
“Ryan?”
“Kiss me?” Holy hell. Oh well, you’ll know in a moment if you’ve read this all wrong…
“M-me?”
“No, the other hot guy sharing a bed with me.” Sarcastic much?
He made a show of lifting the blankets and searching around.
I laughed.
He did too. “N-nope. No other h-hot men.” Then he stilled. “You think I’m h-hot?”
I squeezed his hand. “Yeah, I do.” He wasn’t asking because he wanted extra flattery. He was asking because he needed reassurance. That hurt my heart.
“O-okay. I…uh…”
“You lean over me—without touching my chest—and you press your lips to mine.” Might’ve been a stretch to assume he didn’t have experience with kissing…but a pretty decent guess, if I had any idea. Not that I had much more. Suck-and-jerk sessions rarely involved kissing.
“O-okay.” He released my hand so he could shift himself. Slowly, he positioned himself so he loomed over me. He laid his hand on the pillow next to my ear.
I had to turn my head.
He smiled. Barely visible in the weird purple light. Does he have blackout blinds, or is there no window in this room? I was trying to orient myself in relation to the main room when he brushed his lips to mine.
Feather light. Gentle. No pressure.
He pulled back.
“More.”
“Yeah. O-okay.”
This time, when he pressed his lips to mine, I nibbled along his lower lip.
When he opened his mouth—likely from surprise—I thrust my tongue in. I used the hand not settled between our bodies to grasp his head and to encourage him to come closer.
He hesitated before scooching closer.
Always clearly mindful of my injury.
Which left a pang of regret echoing through me. Still, I kept plundering his mouth. Hoping beyond all hope that he’d respond.
Then, quite suddenly, he did. He thrust his tongue into my mouth, then twined his tongue with mine, seeking some kind of intimacy.
Or I hoped that was what he was doing. For myself, stirrings raced through me as my blood heated. I’d never had this—a connection of mind, body, and spirit. As if that revelation freed me, something else stirred within me.
Holy fuck .
Something I’d never thought I’d feel again—physical desire. Something coursing through my veins. Something seeking more. I pulled back from the kiss.
Simeon’s eyes were nearly black in the dark light.
“I need to ask you something.” My breathing was labored, but my chest didn’t hurt more than a twinge.
“Anything.”
“Would you touch me?”
He cocked his head.
“Intimately. Would you be willing to put your hand on my cock?”
His eyes widened.
Shit. I’m asking too much.
Slowly, though, he shifted so his weight was off his hand and back onto his side. He traced his hand down my jaw to my throat.
He was about to lift it away, when I grasped his wrist.
“Gentle.”
Nodding, he placed his hand back on my throat.
Slowly, and with infinite care, I guided his hand down my sternum. Down my torso. Down to my navel.
I survived. Someone touched me and I’m still here.
And still chubbing up.
I guided his hand farther, encouraging him to reach under the waist of the sweatpants. I held his gaze because if he was uncomfortable with any of this, I needed to know. Should’ve told him he didn’t have to. Should’ve given him a way out if he needs it. Even as I had that thought, though, I forced it back. Simeon might be na?ve about certain acts between men—but he wasn’t a pushover. Peer pressure wouldn’t force him to do something he didn’t want to.
And as he grasped me intimately, he pulled his lower lip through his teeth.
My cock reacted to the touch. Slowly, it stiffened. Slowly, it came to life. Slowly, realization dawned. Maybe I hadn’t been able to get hard before because I hadn’t had a reason to. I certainly hadn’t felt horny since—
No. Don’t go there. Just enjoy the moment.
“D-do you like this?”
I nearly pointed out that of course I did. That I wouldn’t be getting harder by the moment if I didn’t really fucking like this . But those weren’t the words he needed to hear. “Yes, Simeon. More, please.”
Experimentally, he encircled me. He ran his thumb along my slit, as if trying to memorize me. As if trying to figure out what I liked.
All of it .
Then he squeezed me again.
“Yes. Like that.”
He tugged.
By now, I was fully erect. “I need you. Please.”
Slowly, he nodded. He often took his time with things—as if uncertain but also determined. He tugged my shaft. He twisted and applied more pressure.
I sucked in a breath.
He stilled.
“No.” I nearly wailed that. “Keep going. You’re making me feel so good.” And, knowing I could’ve tried this myself didn’t matter. He was doing this to me. He was making me feel good. And he was in control. Perhaps that, more than anything else, was the permission I needed. “I want to come.” Words I’d never thought I’d utter again.
“Y-yes. Please.” He continued with the rhythm he’d set. Maybe not as forceful as I’d expected, but just his grip on me was enough to bring me along for the ride. And, as my heart rate increased, awareness of my precarious health situation flitted through my mind. Dr. Raymond had said resuming full sexual activity might be risky, but a little excitement wasn’t going to set me back. Marcus had said basically the same thing.
Then, suddenly, my balls drew up. I gave in to the pleasure that washed over me like nothing I’d ever felt before. Sure, I’d had orgasms—but not like this. I spurted cum over Simeon’s hand as he gently nursed me through the climax.
And gently was the right word. He coaxed me into giving up those last few drops while clearly understanding I was sensitive. I gazed into his eyes. Blinked. Then didn’t even care as tears leaked down my temples. “Thank you.” I might’ve said that in a broken whisper.
“You’re c-crying.” His face crumpled.
I reached up to grasp his face, feeling the stubble of a day’s beard growth in my hands. “Happy tears. Simeon, I promise you—happy tears. I…” I just couldn’t find the words. Not so much that my cock wasn’t broken anymore, although that was a pleasant surprise, but that I’d found joy in a physical connection. That I’d enjoyed what we’d done. It hadn’t felt perfunctory. Like getting my rocks off.
You’re reading too much into this.
Still, his expression didn’t ease.
“What can I do to assure you that I’m okay?”
Simeon blinked. “I d-don’t know. I d-didn’t think someone would cry after, you know…”
“I would say it’s not a normal reaction, but I honestly don’t know.”
His brow knit in evident confusion.
Make him understand. “I’ve never been with someone I care about. Certainly not someone I care about as much as I care about you.” Like I think I might love you…but that’s just the hormones talking…right? I just didn’t know. What I knew for certain was making him understand was important. I yanked him in for a kiss.
He responded again—in that unschooled way I found so sexy. That he didn’t have experience was a turn-on for me. We could go through this together. I pulled back to meet his gaze. “Now you.”
Twin spots of color appeared—so pronounced I could see them even in the low light. “Uh…” He winced. “I…uh…”
Understanding dawned. “You already came.”
He winced. “You were s-so sexy and…”
“You were so primed.” I grinned. “I like the idea of you coming just while giving me pleasure. But you have to promise to let me return the favor. I’d like to give you a hand job.”
His mouth dropped open.
I resented having to find the right position , but I also loved the idea of being his first. Because, deep in my soul, I knew he’d never done any of this with anyone before. Had never let himself trust. Had never let his guard down. Well, I’ll just have to show him. And try not to fall even harder. He hadn’t made a declaration. Neither had I. But I had so little to offer that it didn’t feel right.
He kissed me.
When he pulled back, I grinned.
“I accept.” He slowly withdrew his hand from my track pants. “But first I need to shower, and we need to get your jeans.”
Right. Clothes—easy. Not falling in love—much harder.