30. Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty
Ryan
“ A m I allowed to like someone. To be happy? I killed people.” I held Justin’s gaze as I sat in his office three days after the epic snowstorm. I was lucky Simeon had dug us out. Not that I hadn’t enjoyed every moment in his home. His grandparents were truly some of the best people I’d ever met, and Simeon…? I tried to set aside all the good memories we’d created—but I was struggling.
“Do you see yourself as a killer?”
“I flew drones. I dropped bombs. People died.”
“All that’s true. But you can admit they would’ve killed you—given the chance.”
“Well, duh. That’s what soldiers do.”
“And you don’t see yourself as a soldier?”
This was the crux of my anguish. And he knew it. We’d done plenty of work leading up to this session. I just hadn’t envisioned that Simeon, of all people, would be the impetus for this conversation. Last night, though, as I’d lain in his arms, I’d known I would have to find a way through this morass, or I could never truly enjoy the promise of what he offered.
Then he’d given me the most awkward blow job ever—and I’d gone off like a geyser because his inexperience was like an aphrodisiac to me. I loved being his first. To know he’d only ever done these things with me. And part of me wished I’d waited for him as well.
“Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
“Were you not also a soldier? Did you not choose to fight for freedom? For democracy? For the end of the unjust invasion of a peaceful nation?”
Justin had always been one hundred percent behind the Ukrainian cause. Or at least he’d been that way with me. And very current with the news. Whether that knowledge came from a desire to keep up with me or because he liked to have an understanding of the greater world, I wasn’t certain. I’d certainly never looked beyond my father’s basement.
Until the war.
“Yes, I did all those things. But I chose to be there—the other men didn’t. They were defending their position. I was attacking. I thought…” I swallowed. “I don’t know what I thought. I mean, I recognized I was just one person. And that one person is never the tipping point. But if I could go…and do something productive with my life…then I might be worth more than I’d been as a gamer in my father’s basement.”
“Just remember that’s your characterization.”
I laughed. A hollow sound. “Oh, my father felt the same way. But every time I popped my head out, I’d do something…gauche. That was the word he liked to use. I didn’t know how to move in his circles—and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be vapid and obsequious. But hiding out and playing games wasn’t much better.”
“You made the decision to change the trajectory of your life.”
“Yes.”
“Do you feel you made the wrong choice?”
“I…” Flashing to my friends who’d died, I just didn’t know the answer. “I couldn’t keep them alive.” I’d told Justin about them. He’d sat quietly and listened. He hadn’t judged.
“If you’d died, and they’d lived, would that have been better?”
“Of course.”
“But life doesn’t work that way.”
“No.” I winced. “It doesn’t.”
“Can you discover a way to find meaning in their deaths?”
“No.”
He stilled.
Okay, maybe a little harsh. “There is no reason. It’s all a waste.”
“I could say you saved lives by doing what you did. I can point out you did everything in your power to keep your brothers safe. But that we don’t really have a say in when our time’s up.”
“I don’t know if I could ever go through that again.” There. That’s the real issue.
He cocked his head. “Are you thinking of going back to the war?”
“What?” I stared at him. Then replayed my words. “Oh.” I waved off the notion I might go back. “No matter how desperate they might become, I’ll never be allowed back. I’m a liability—in every sense of the word. I’m not fit for anything.”
Before Justin could speak—as he clearly was about to do—I continued.
“I mean I don’t know if I can endure that kind of loss. I mean, my mother and father will die. And that’s sad. But mourning two people I barely know is challenging. And maybe I will. Maybe their deaths will devastate me. I doubt it, though.” I drew in a deep breath. “This is going to sound bizarre…but bear with me.”
He nodded.
“I’ve met people. Here. In Mission City. People I’ve come to care for. Some…a lot. Simeon, for one. His grandparents for another.” Since I’d dropped the allowed to love bomb right away, Justin didn’t know this stuff yet. “I spent three days snowed in with them all. And their new dog, Chia. Sweetheart. Anyway, I… This is weird, right? That I feel more bonded to them than I ever have with my father? They’re virtually strangers.”
“Three days alone with people can create intense bonds. Forced proximity can have a way of compressing time. There’s no room for subterfuge. You’re completely reliant on each other. Given what I know of Simeon, if you’d asked to be left alone, he would’ve respected that.”
I nodded.
“But you didn’t. You asked him to include you with his family. He’s spoken fondly of his grandparents.”
“They’re great people.”
“So are you.”
I waved him off.
“So are you.”
I went to wave him off again…but I didn’t. Is he right? Am I a good person? I’ve killed. Yes, in the name of a higher purpose, but still… Then I remembered all the atrocities committed by the enemy. All the horrible things they’d done to the innocent civilians. And maybe I hadn’t killed the exact soldier who had perpetrated any one war crime—but I’d fought to ensure no other atrocities took place. I’d fought to keep the victims safe. “Is it really that easy?”
“No, it’s not. I’ve done a lot of reading. Firsthand accounts of soldiers coming back from conflicts. Especially more recent ones—where technology has played a big part in warfare. What used to be straightforward, or at least somewhat, is now more complicated. It’s never so easy as a battle against good and evil. But you were fighting for those who’d been invaded. Who’d done nothing wrong. That’s powerful. I don’t know if it’s enough for you to forgive yourself. I’m hopeful that, in time, we can continue to work through some of this. Finding a place of peace would be good for you—but it’s going to be hard-fought.”
I fidgeted. I rubbed my damp palms up and down my thighs. I pressed a hand to my chest. Oh, fuck it. “Jake McGrath wants to interview me about my experiences for a story.”
Justin blinked.
“Sorry, that sort of came out of left field, and I‘m sure I could’ve found a better way to drop that little explosive device but I’ve been thinking about it, and it’s been driving me nuts and—”
Justin held up his hand. “Okay, why don’t we take this one step at a time. Jake McGrath, the reporter, wants to interview you.”
“Yeah. I looked up his old stuff. He was a damn good journalist. Like…really good. He sure didn’t do fluff pieces.”
“No, he didn’t.” Justin scratched his beard. “I admit to not having seen much of his old stuff. I watched the other network.” He smiled. “But when Marnie married Jake and he became part of the Mission City family, I admit to going down a rabbit hole one day.”
“Those are dangerous.” I hadn’t gone too far down. The second time Simeon had gone out to clear the snow, I’d googled Jake on Simeon’s computer and watched several of his award-winning stories. He and Jessica Stone were two of Canada’s preeminent war correspondents. Jake was retired, but Jessica still reported from conflict zones. She’d done several pieces in Ukraine, in fact. Being on the computer had wigged me out. But not knowing what I might be getting into was more terrifying.
“Jake’s good people. A true professional. I’ve always found his reporting fair. Not exploitative.”
“So you think I should do it.”
“I didn’t say that.” Justin cocked his head. “It’s a huge leap from an ask to the decision to sit down and go on the record.”
“My father won’t approve.”
He slowly nodded. “That’s possible.”
“He’ll take away the credit card. I have some savings—but not much.”
“That’s a problem. Nothing insurmountable, though.”
“I need to find a job.”
“That’s possible. You’re still recovering, Ryan. Taking the time to do it properly is the right thing to do.”
“He’ll probably stop paying for me to come here.”
“That would be unfortunate, but not something you have to worry about. We’ll find a way for your sessions to continue. So put that worry out of your mind.”
He said the words so definitively. As if this was a done deal. I’d read they had a sliding scale, but I’d never be comfortable pushing that slider down toward zero. The costs of running this place had to be phenomenal. I’d read they had grants, and generous benefactors, but surely they couldn’t just…give away the counseling for free.
“Seriously, Ryan, don’t worry about it. Focus on recovering. If you want to sit down with Jake—if you believe it’s the right thing to do and that it might help you—then I’m fully supportive. I’ll be here for you during the entire process.” He appeared to consider. “You know Marnie McGrath?”
I nodded.
“Normally, I wouldn’t suggest this. But if you look up Marnie Jones or Laura Derks, you’ll find an interview she did with the media. Jessica Stone was the reporter on that story. Now, I would never speak for someone else…but I believe some good might have come out of that interview. At least for residents of Mission City, it gave them a better understanding of what she’d been through. People want to, generally, be supportive.”
“So you think Marnie understands.”
“Yes, I do. And then you might consider speaking to her. She’s been open about what happened to her since that interview. She’s become an advocate for victims. Quietly, though. In her own inimitable way.”
“That simple?”
“No, not that simple. We’ll need to prepare you.”
“I…I think I’ll want someone with me. Someone on my side.”
“That’s a great idea.”
I swallowed hard. “Do you think…would it be wrong to ask Simeon?”
If he was surprised, his face didn’t reveal it. “I think Simeon would be a great choice. He’s a good man, Ryan. Mission City treasures him…even if he doesn’t always perceive that affection.”
I chuckled. “Yeah.” Then I sobered. “He has his reasons for questioning.”
“I have no doubt of that. I also hope him working on the ranch has given him a greater sense of community.”
“Yeah, I think maybe it has.” I rubbed my hands on my thighs. “Okay, I guess I have a favor to ask of Simeon and a phone call to make.”
“Keep me in the loop. We’ve got an appointment on Friday.”
I nodded.
“That’s also the day of the Christmas parade. A tradition in Mission City. A bunch of us will be there with our kids.”
“Sounds like it might be fun. We’ll see, eh?”
“Yeah.”
We rose.
“You’re going to be okay, Ryan. I believe that.”
For the first time in a long time, I believed him. Then I grinned. “Oh, and my cock may not be broken after all.”
He stood gaping as I sauntered out of the room.