36. Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ryan
S leigh rides were possibly the most romantic thing ever. As I snuggled against Simeon, with a blanket on our laps, a sense of rightness sank deep into me. The clouds had appeared earlier, and now the first flakes of snow fell. This was an out-of-body experience. Like I was watching a romantic movie being filmed.
Simeon was the perfect hero. Tall, blond, handsome, and with a kind heart. I was sort of the other hero—damaged and needing aid. But not in a helpless way. No, I’d asked for help and then accepted it when it had arrived. Justin, Marcus, and Dr. Raymond were part of the team. Today I didn’t have any physical pain. And the emotional felt manageable for the first time in a long while.
As if reading my thoughts, Simeon put his arm around me.
Which was perfect because sometimes I put my arms around him. Whoever needed the hug, got one. We had that kind of relationship.
“Is this r-real?”
I gazed up at him. “What do you mean?”
“C-can someone be this happy and it’s all g-going to work out?”
“Yes, it can.” I considered my words carefully. “It won’t always be perfect. I mean…” I flailed a little.
“P-people die.”
“Yes.” Exactly what I’d been trying to say but couldn’t.
“D-dogs die.”
“True. But she’s just a year old. If we manage to keep her out of trouble, we might get a long life.”
“I saw Torah y-yesterday.”
Torah… “Oh, the dog trainer.”
“Yep. She said she t-thinks Chia would be a perfect therapy dog. She asked m-me to consider taking her for training in the new year.”
My ears perked. “Really? That would be amazing. She’s right, Chia’s got the right temperament. I met several therapy dogs while in the medical wing once I was out of the intensive care. Those visits perked me up. Made me want my own dog.”
“And n-now you have one.”
“Yes, now I do.” I blinked. “And I have a man I love.”
He blinked. “L-love? Fuck.”
“Are you okay?” I straightened. Simeon never swore. Like, ever.
He winced. “I wanted to say the word l-love without stuttering. The most important w-word ever.”
I placed my gloved hand against his cheek. “You know I don’t care. I really fucking don’t. I don’t even notice it, Simeon. Okay? Do you understand?”
Slowly, he nodded.
“Now, do you love me?” Oh God, please say yes . Please don’t let this be one-sided.
“Of c-course I love you.” He grinned. “I d-didn’t stutter on the word.”
“Nope, you didn’t.” I pressed a kiss to his lips.
The sleigh bells rang, and the driver turned to us. “Time’s up guys.”
I grinned. “Thanks.”
He grinned back. “You two are almost as cute as the grooms.”
I almost asked him if he’d do this again sometime. Like maybe when I proposed to Simeon. Because that would be super romantic. But also way too soon.
We folded the blanket, then stepped out of the sleigh. We made our way back to the ranch house and entered via the sliding-glass door.
Rainbow was there to greet us. “Take your coats off, and I’ve got sparkling cider in flutes. We’re about to toast the grooms.”
“And to announce the winner of the plaid contest.” Quinton ran his hand up and down his shirt. “I’m a shoo-in.”
I laughed. How had I ever seen him as a rival for Simeon’s affection? He wasn’t like that. He was friendly, helpful, an incorrigible flirt, and just a great guy. Someone I hoped to eventually call friend.
When Simeon and I had our coats off, Rainbow handed us the glasses.
Adam and Dean stood together and the rest of us gathered around in a circle.
Dean pressed his hand to his chest. “I didn’t know I could be so happy. With our friends as witness, I got to pledge myself to the best man I’ve ever known. Now, don’t tell my mate Sam that.” He winked.
“We should call Sam.” Adam met Dean’s gaze.
“Uh…” Dean bit his lower lip. “I haven’t told him any of this. When we go down to see him, I want it to be a big surprise. Plus, he told me he’s got a new guy. Named Levi. So I can’t wait to hear all about that.”
Adam chuckled. “Something you haven’t told Sam? I’m shocked.”
Kennedy raised her glass. “To the happy couple. May you have a long and loving marriage.”
“Like your parents, eh?” Dean grinned.
Rainbow snickered. “Yes, I’d say our parents are a good example. Although I’m not certain you want to raise eight daughters. But, hey, I might—”
“Cheers.” Adam raised his glass.
Okay, so he probably didn’t want eight daughters. I didn’t blame him. I linked my arm with Simeon’s. I wanted kids. I never would have predicted that, but after seeing the carnage of war, I wanted to help. Maybe an orphan of the war. I spoke Ukrainian. Might that help? Or might there be a child here in Mission City who needed us? In good time, though. I still had more healing to do. I still had to find a way to propose to the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
We raised our glasses in toast.
When that was finished, Kennedy handed Dean a folded piece of paper. “I did the count myself. The winner was clear.”
Adam snorted. “This was Dean’s idea, so he gets to announce the winner.”
“And then I want a photo with everyone.” He pointed to the gentleman in the back of the room. The sleigh driver. Ah, so he’d take the photo and then everyone would be in it.
Dean made a big show of opening the paper and grinning from ear to ear. “And the winner is…”
Seriously? Just announce it.
“Simeon.”
My man gripped me tightly. “W-what?”
Cheers rose from the small crowd.
Rainbow came over to us and handed Simeon the gaudiest statue I’d ever seen.
Clearly Dean had put a lot of thought into this crazy scheme.
Simeon grasped it and blinked rapidly.
Truly, I wasn’t surprised. He looked amazing in the shirt and, more importantly, his friends wanted him to feel welcomed.
“Picture.” Adam beckoned us in. “On the stairs, I think.”
And so we did. We surrounded the happy couple and the nice driver took about two dozen photographs with a fancy SLR camera.
Dean promised everyone photos as he and Adam made their way through the throng to say their farewells. To no one’s surprise, they were just heading home to have a quiet Christmas with Chip and Maurice the cat.
Perfect for them.
Just like I’d spend Christmas with Nanny, Bops, and Simeon. Oh, and Chia, of course.
Perfect for us.
With Rainbow’s help, I’d snuck the painting into the back of Adam’s SUV so they’d find it when they got home. I wasn’t surprised to find several other gifts there as well, despite the no-gifts rule. I’d also overheard Kennedy mention the ranch had received a slew of donations, including several large anonymous ones.
Dad had asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Something he hadn’t done in about a dozen years.
I said a donation to Healing Horses.
He’d made it happen. He’d also arranged for me to have my own credit card that he didn’t pay off each month. That modicum of independence. And now I might have a job. Something I could be really good at.
“I watch that movie every Christmas.” Rainbow’s voice carried to me as chatter resumed now the grooms were gone.
I turned toward her. “Which movie?”
“ It’s a Wonderful Life . I watch it every Christmas.”
“Oh. I’ve never heard of it.”
Simeon turned to gape at me. “N-never?”
I shook my head.
“W-we should…”
Watch it. He wants me to watch a movie with him.
Fuck it. If I can set up a laptop and play a game with Kyleigh, then I can watch a movie.
“Can we watch it tonight?”
“I h-have the Blu-ray. Nanny and Bops w-watch it every Christmas Eve. I can text them and ask them to w-wait.”
“That would be great.”
And watching the movie was an amazing experience.
I was cuddled between Nanny and Simeon on the couch and when I cried, my boyfriend held me.
We’d settled that we were boyfriends on the drive from Healing Horses back to our house. Well, Simeon’s house. But I’d live in it. At some point we needed to talk finances, but I figured that would be tacky to do before Nanny and Bops were settled. I wanted to contribute.
Like buying tissue because I used half the box watching a movie that had a fucking happy ending.
By that ending, I was done in. Simeon made our excuses, and we headed downstairs. He undressed me and after brushing my teeth and pissing, I crawled into bed.
He wasn’t far behind me and sleep pulled me under quickly.
So much for celebrating our upgrade in relationship status.
In the morning, though, when I awoke refreshed and alert, Simeon still snoozed. He was a morning person—when he was working and on the clock. On weekends he slept until Nanny hollered that breakfast was on the table. Part of me thought that was a little odd, but the rest of me found it adorable. The love in this house was immeasurable. Every gesture, word, and thought was for the others. Not a selfish bone in anyone’s body.
That blew my mind and, in fact, I’d discussed it with Justin. He’d said to embrace the love and give it back as best I knew how. That loving might be a challenge because of my upbringing. But that I should work toward being an equal partner. Not just financially, but emotionally as well.
Lying in Simeon’s arms, the sense of rightness was everywhere.
I scooted back so my ass brushed his cock.
He groaned.
Oh good. Morning wood.
Matching my own.
“Simeon?”
“Mmm?”
“I’d like to, you know…”
He nuzzled my neck. “We always y-you know…”
“But I want more.”
He stilled. “R-really?” Then chuckled nervously.
Carefully, I turned in his arms so I faced him. I pressed a finger to his frown line. “Simeon, we’re about to have a really serious conversation.”
In turn, he slowly nodded. His eyes were so dark with just the purple light in the room. The light I was so accustomed to.
“First. You can say no . You can always say no. And then we don’t. There are no hard feelings on my end. No recriminations and no judgements Just an understanding that now isn’t the time.”
He opened his mouth.
I gave a short shake of my head.
He closed it.
“If today isn’t the time, that’s okay. If there’s never a time, that’s okay too. Plenty of gay couples don’t have anal sex. For many different reasons—none of which they have to justify with the world. What we do or don’t do in our room is entirely our business. For instance, you might not feel comfortable with your grandparents in the house.”
He gave a small smile.
I cocked my head.
“I’ve b-been masturbating for years, and we’ve b-been loud already. I’ve been celibate, n-not incapable. I just…” He drew in a deep breath. “I d-didn’t see you coming. I’ll never regret you…but I d-didn’t see you coming. And you’re r-right. It’s o-okay if we don’t. I’m w-worried.”
“Worried?” I tried to imagine what might concern him. I’d assumed his grandparents were the biggest impediment. If I hadn’t known how early it was at the moment, with them still asleep upstairs, I wouldn’t have ventured this. Nothing like Nanny yelling waffles to end a make-out session. Truly epic.
“You w-were injured, Ryan. Badly. I w-worry about you all the time.”
“Oh.” I frowned. “But you don’t need to. The pain’s mostly gone—unless I do something stupid.”
“L-like having sex?”
I pursed my lips. “I’ve done some research. There are positions. And we need to keep it lower key.”
“L-lower key?” He arched an eyebrow.
“Languid. Slow. Look, I’d prefer that way for the first few times anyway. There’s something to be said for all-in heart-pounding cocks-drilling sex, of course.”
His eyes got even wider.
“And that’s what I used to do. The few times I hooked up with people.” I almost kept the rest of that thought to myself, but I’d promised complete honesty. “I did it that way because I thought I had to. I just wanted to go in, have sex, and get out. I mean, I only had anal a couple of times. And that was fine.”
“F-fine?”
“Okay, I didn’t necessarily enjoy myself. But, with Justin’s help, I’ve realized the lack of pleasure came from the fact I had zero emotional connection to those guys.”
“B-broken cock…” Those two spots of color high on his cheeks appeared.
I pressed a quick kiss to his mouth. “Not a problem between the two of us. Back then, I wanted to prove I wasn’t just a loser in his dad’s basement. They didn’t mean anything. Which makes me sound horrible.”
He shook his head. A quick jerk. “L-lots of guys have anonymous sex. You h-had something to prove. Well, n-not with me. N-never with me.” His expression was so earnest. Like he needed me to understand how important this was to him.
“Just like you have nothing to prove with me.” My chest felt lighter now I’d shared my entire truth. Not exactly the conversation I’d envisioned—but one that was completely necessary if we were going to move forward. “Do we understand each other?”
He caressed my cheek. Then lightly trailed his hand down my neck. And lower. He stopped right above where my scars were. He’d seen them enough to know the precise location.
I nodded, biting my lower lip.
With the gentlest of touches, his continued to trail his hand down my body. My sternum, my chest, my stomach, and lower still. He did something he did frequently—he slid his fingers into my sleep pants. Some nights, when we were frisky, I might not wear them. I always wore my shirt, though. Last evening, I’d been so exhausted that I’d undressed, put on both halves of my pajamas, and had dropped into bed. A day of revelry, fresh air, friends, and plaid contests had plumb worn me out.
Simeon, for all his embarrassment about his stutter, was less so with his body. He’d sought permission, early on, to sleep naked.
I’d been over the moon with joy.
So there he was, perfect and bare. And here I was. Time to make things equal this morning, with him tugging on my waistband. “Take them off.” A request I made frequently.
He did so, sliding the pants off my hips as I twisted so he could do it.
He eased them over my legs. Gently. Always so exquisitely gently.
When he went to grasp my shaft, though, I stilled his hand. “My shirt too.”
“Yeah. O-okay.”
He guided me to sit up and then, again with the gentlest of hands, he helped me out of the shirt. He tossed it over the side of the bed.
Chia yelped.
“I’m sure you’re fine,” I told her. Likely more surprise than anything else, since Simeon’s toss was nowhere near her bed.
She huffed.
Simeon and I chuckled.
“W-will you lie on your back. I know w-we can’t, uh, that way. B-but…” He gestured to my chest.
I understood the request. A denial was on the tip of my tongue. If I don’t let him do this, he’ll never trust I’m really okay. And weren’t you saying just the other day how much you craved touch? I’d had so much from him—but I never tired of it. It was never enough. And I didn’t know how to ask for more without seeming greedy. So I lay on my back, placed my hands by my sides, and tried to be open both physically and emotionally. I’d never been so vulnerable. I understood that.
Judging by his expression—he understood that as well.
He started at my clavicle. Tracing his fingers along the delicate bones. Prominent bones. To Marcus’s pleasure, I’d gained a couple of pounds. Mostly muscle, he maintained. He said it’d be okay to gain a little bit more. I’d never go back to the way I was…but something other than scrawny would be nice. My physiotherapist suggested I ask Dr. Raymond for a referral to a dietician. On my ever-growing list of people to ask for help.
The scarred skin was darker and ridged.
He hesitated.
I grasped his hand and gently touched his fingers to my chest. Some parts were supersensitive while for others I had almost no sensation. Those contradictions meant his touch disconcerted. And, in the same breath, reassured. He’d never judge me. Never look at me in disgust. He’d simply accept me as I was, and if this was as good as it ever got, he’d be okay with that as well.
As he traced the scars, something within me broke open. Tears pricked my eyes, but I fought them. At any other time, I wouldn’t have. Simeon would never judge me. Now though, in this moment, he might misinterpret them. Instead of tears of joy, he might see them as tears of pain.
Later.
I’d find the words later to tell him what this meant to me.
He eased his fingers along the lowest ones, then continued his trail downward, as if he did this every day.
My cock plumped a bit at the first light touch of his fingers.
He started to pull away.
“What’s wrong?”
“You’re n-not…you know…”
I grinned. “Deep conversations might make me a little less hard. Keep touching me and I promise I’ll perk up.”
He continued to frown.
I pressed a hand to the furrow in his brow. “What is it?” I nearly said sweetheart , but we hadn’t had that conversation. No one had certainly ever used an endearment with me. If I wasn’t certain how I felt about it, it would be legit that Simeon might not know either—or might feel uncomfortable. “Simeon?” I also nearly said that we could stop. But he knew that and he hadn’t pulled away.
He cleared his throat. “Uh…w-who does what?”
For a long moment, I simply stared into his beautiful face that was so dear to me. “Oh.”
“Yeah. O-oh.”
“Have you thought about it? About how you might like it?”
“W-what did you do with the other m-men?”
I blinked. Okay, we’re going there. Only fair given I’m the one with the experience. “I topped. I didn’t feel comfortable letting some guy fuck me when I’d met him ten minutes earlier. Now…one guy stuck around for a few hours and we switched. With him, I sort of enjoyed myself. He was…funny. Easy-going. I think he, more than anyone else, saw my vulnerability.”
“Are you a s-switch?”
“Uh…” I rubbed my face. “Sure…?”
“Ryan.” Part exasperation, part amusement, part…annoyance.
How have we not had this conversation before now? Oh, right. Because I wasn’t ready, and I didn’t want to spook him. He didn’t appear spooked now…more uncertain. And that was on me. I smiled. “Not really. Well, maybe. I enjoyed bottoming…with him. Perhaps I might with you. Because we definitely have to try both ways. I mean, if you want. You should have the opportunity to figure out what makes you happy. Because that’s what I want—to make you happy.”
He rolled his eyes. “If w-we keep circling around this, Nanny’s g-going to call us for breakfast.”
It was barely six. We had time. “I suspect she’ll let us sleep in—given it’s Christmas morning.”
His eyes widened, then he moved in for a kiss.
One I returned with joy.
“Merry Christmas.” He grinned. “I l-love you. You’re the best p-present I could ever have.”
I pretended to pout. “But you haven’t seen my gift.”
He frowned.
“Oh, don’t worry. Just a little something I bought.” He didn’t need to know how much it cost. Or that my dad had essentially paid for it. I was supporting a local artist. That assuaged some of the guilt.
“Why d-don’t I trust you?”
For an instant, I panicked. Then I reminded myself he was only speaking in this specific gifty context. He trusted me. We were discussing sexual positions. For a virgin, that had to be tough territory. I drew in a deep breath and let it out. “I’d like to top. This first time. If you’re okay with it. Because legit cool if you don’t want to because, you know, it will be your first time, and bottoming is a very vulnerable—”
He placed his finger to my lips. Not in a judgmental way. Or a way of shutting me up. But in his way of letting me know that I’d made my point, and he’d heard all of it. “I’m okay with b-bottoming. I l-like the idea of you taking the l-lead. And y-yes, I’d like to try both.”
Relief flooded me. Not that we’d reached a consensus. Well, that was pretty sweet. But that he was on the same page with me. He needed to explore. He needed to know what made him feel good. The quickest way to that was trying various things. And I loved the idea of being the first to do these things to him. With him. That we could explore together. “Are you ready?”
He nodded enthusiastically.
“Crap.”
He arched an eyebrow.
“Well, lube and condoms.”
“You t-think Nanny didn’t stock me up?” He rolled his eyes. “I d-did as well. B-but I found extra supplies in the b-bathroom that I didn’t put there. I’m not sure I l-like the idea of her climbing the stairs, but the thought was sweet.” He ducked his head before meeting my gaze. “M-maybe, if we’re m-monogamous, we might…?”
I nodded. “I’ve been tested. Standard practice given everything.”
“And I’m d-definitely a virgin.” He grinned.
“Okay. A conversation for another time.” Because the level of trust involved in going bareback was phenomenal. I’d certainly never done it. I was neg. No question about it. But if he wanted me to get tested again, I’d happily do it. “Um, now?”
He pressed a kiss to my lips. “L-lube is in my nightstand.” He pressed his hand to my cheek. “So yeah. N-now.”