Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
ROYCE
The holidays pop up out of nowhere. It's like one minute we're talking about how the season's gonna look and getting started with all the prep work and then bam, Thanksgiving is here and gone.
The lead-up to Christmas is hectic. I still need to get several gifts, which is why I'm out with my dear sister because she also has a few things to get.
Baby Lee has changed his mind on what he wants multiple times this year, which means that Carmen and her husband, my saint of a brother-in-law, Austin, have purchased and returned several gifts.
Normally, they would probably just give him all the different things he wants, but they're trying out this new thing about humility.
It's a whole bunch of nonsense.
The kid's gonna be who he is. He's a Bellport, after all. His name may not say it, but that's the truth of the matter. He knows how to be humble, and he has a big heart.
He's just also indecisive as fuck.
I'm pretty sure he gets that from Jake 'cause Carmen and her husband are nothing of the sort.
“You're scowling again,” Carmen says as she tugs on my arm, pulling me past some stragglers walking through the mall.
“I can't always control my face, sis,” I say. “Besides, it's not like I'm being a scrooge or anything. I'm just thinking.”
“Thinking about what? You're supposed to be Christmas present shopping with me. I thought you said you didn't have everything yet.”
“I don’t. I'm still looking for gifts for Jake's guys, and Finn is really kind of hard to buy for these days since Bellamy won't stop buying him every damn thing he smiles at.”
Carmen giggles as she weaves us through another group.
“I mean, that's absolutely true, which is why I took Finn out shopping with me alone and had him tell me all the different things he likes.”
She throws a grin my way, and I snatch myself out of her hold.
“You did what? That's cheating!”
She rolls her eyes. “No, it's not. It's finding out what the man likes without my brother going back to buy everything before I get a chance to. If you behave and help me find my gifts, then I can tell you one of the things that I didn't get him.”
The tension floods out of me in an instant.
“Deal. Who are we buying for besides baby Lee?”
We have to call my nephew baby Lee, even though he's not technically a baby anymore. Since Jake is dating a man named Leon, we can't call him Lee because it gets too confusing.
Also because Jake calls Leon Daddy Lee when around people he trusts.
I never said my family was all that smart about naming conventions. I’m pretty sure Jake wasn’t thinking about the rest of us when he was sorting out his kink lifestyle.
Then again, I know people who have married someone with the same name as them.
Talk about confusing.
No judgment here though. I've never met another Royce, so I can't say that they would be the one for me.
Besides, I've been too caught up in Kenneth to think of anyone on a romantic level besides him.
He's yet another person I need to find a gift for.
I won't dare tell Carmen that that's who it is though. She would judge me so harshly. While she doesn’t know the full history with Kenneth, I’m sure she’s clued in enough to remember me bitching about him.
We make it to the toy section and Carmen starts her hunt. I follow behind her keeping my eyes peeled for any type of hidden toy.
You wouldn't believe how many times people will come to the store, find what they need and then hide it somewhere else so they can come back later and get it. Especially if they know it's gonna go on sale.
It's a twisted thing to do, though honestly a little brilliant too. I’m willing to acknowledge when I’ve been outsmarted.
I pretend I'm doing one of those search and find puzzles with the toys we’re looking for as my target.
We manage to find the two things Carmen wants for the kids: A massive nerf gun set for baby Lee and a set of soft blocks for baby Penelope.
After gathering those in my arms, we head towards the home goods section.
It's our go-to gift for Mom because she doesn't really have a preference on items unless they're either for the house to keep things cozy or they're handmade. Since none of us have made anything handmade since high school, it’s pretty much blankets, throw pillows, and any other type of decor that would fit her style.
Considering our mother is in full grandma mode, soft blankets are high on the list.
You'd be amazed how many blankets the woman can have and not get bored or upset by the gift.
I firmly believe that we're at like twenty-five now, maybe twenty-six. I've stopped counting.
Okay, so that's a lie. I will have to count next time I'm at the house because it's gonna bother me now that I think about it.
Once we have a gift for Mom and a small one for Dad, we go to the checkout. When we're done with that store and Carmen's arms are loaded down with the bags, she turns to me.
“Okay, so for Finn… you ready?”
I nod, standing at attention like I'm a soldier reporting for duty.
“First of all, given the situation between our brother and his husband, we know that his little side is probably going to be prominent on Christmas, right?”
“Right,” I agree quickly.
“Then you should know that most of the things Finn asked for were little related. Pajamas, stuffed animals, some toys, crayons, all of that type of stuff.”
“That's stuff I probably could have figured out on my own if I'd really thought about it.”
Carmen taps her nose.
“Yes, probably so, but you weren't thinking because your brain is clearly latched onto whatever else that you will tell me about when we stop to get lunch. For now, I will accept the fact that you have secrets, dear sibling.”
It's my turn to roll my eyes.
“Can't I just have a secret to myself for once?”
Carmen gives me an evil grin. “I mean, you could, but you won't. As the second oldest sibling in this family, I have to say—"
I hold up a hand. “But you're not the second oldest sibling.”
She scoffs. “I don't want to think about math right now. My point is, you're going to tell me what I want to know. And that's that.”
She spins on her heels and starts moving towards one of the fancier boutiques in the mall. I sigh, then follow her. If my sister wants details, she will stop at nothing to get them. Even going so far as to blackmail me in some way.
I can't think of anything she would know that would be worthy of blackmail. But again, she's a sneaky little thing, especially now that she’s got those mom senses.
It's a lost cause for all of us.
Our trip to the store doesn't take us long. We manage to locate the few items that she had Finn point out. She even had him pose with the items with pictures so she could verify them for later.
I grab the bags from the cashier after thanking her and then we're off to the main section of the mall again.
As we walk around, Carmen talks about other things she might want to pick up while we're there, and oohing and ahhhing at the window displays.
When we pass one with a sports theme, I freeze. The sight of a stuffed baseball mitt calls to me.
Not because I want it for myself, but because I think Kenneth might like it.
I can't say why I think he might like it.
Maybe it's because I'm still thinking about Finn or maybe because a part of me wants him to be submissive like I suspect he might be.
Either way, I can't stop myself from going in the store, grabbing the stuffy from the display, and paying for it. I don't even realize Carmen has followed me inside until she clears her throat and gives me a stern look.
I shake my head and snatch the bag off the counter, wincing, as it makes me look like some pompous asshole.
“Sorry about that,” I say.
The guy behind the register shrugs a shoulder. “Eh, it happens. Wives can be annoying, I get it.”
Carmen and I both gasp, our hands pressing to our chests.
“Oh, absolutely not,” she shouts. “This is my sibling.”
I grunt. “Yeah, my sister is totally not my type.”
We spin around and rush out of the store, grumbling about how someone could possibly ever assume that we're anything more than siblings.
It's not until we wind up near the food court that Carmen remembers where we were when everything happened.
“Okay, you need to spill about the whole stuffed animal thing, although it's not an animal. Is it just called a plush? I don't know the technicalities of this, and I really should, considering baby Lee.”
“Yes, you really should, sister. Why don't we sit and have an entire discussion about the difference between stuffed animals, plushies, and stuffies. I bet we can even get Finn on the phone. Maybe Atlas and Raymond too. Hell, let's call Timothy, get the whole gang involved.”
I whip out my phone, intending to do just that, but she stops me with a hand covering the screen. She stares into my eyes when I look up at her.
“Whatever is going on will be fine, Royce. Sit down, tell me what's happening. Then we'll get food and all will be better. Trust me,” she pleas.
I drop into the chair at the empty table a few feet away from us, and she sits across from me. We pile our bags onto the table beside us, so no one sits there.
It's not busy enough for it to be a mean type of thing. More like these siblings need space because we're about to have one of the most intense conversations we've had since our teenage years.
I don't waste any time diving into the story. I don't dare say that it's Kenneth, but I do explain that it's someone I'm now involved with for work and how it's complicated.
Carmen listens closely, nodding along and holding back her questions until the end.
“Why is it such a big deal for you to like this person?” she asks as her first question.
I tilt my head to the side. “Because we work together. Because there's history there, and it's not good history. I shouldn't want to be with him, like at all. I shouldn't even be nice to him.”
“But you are,” she says, matter-of-factly.
“I am, he's just…” I lean back in the chair and cross my arms. “He's just so damn likeable. There's nothing wrong with him. It's really fucking frustrating.”
Carmen giggles, leaning over the table.
“You have a crush on this person, and there's really nothing stopping you except your preconceived notions about what you should be doing. If you relied on preconceived notions, you would never wear half the things you do. You would have cut your hair years ago, and you would never touch a drop of makeup again. Am I right?”
“You are,” I say, petulantly.
“Then why is this any different? Don't let some notion you had when you were younger keep you from the possible love of your life.”
I slap my hands on the table.
“How could you say such a thing? You've just put this out into the universe. Take it back.”
She mimes zipping her lips and shakes her head.
“I absolutely will not. You have never been this attached to a person. Not someone who wasn't in the family, not romantically. I, for one, want to see you happy. And if it's with someone who is somewhat unlikely, then who cares?”
“Who cares?” I repeat. “Who cares?! I care. How am I ever supposed to stick to my guns and be the petty bitch that I thrive to be if I don't hold steady to this one thing? It should be simple.”
“And yet it's not,” Carmen says. “This person is on your mind all the time.
You think about them, you want them. You long to be around them.
Even when you don't want to, you're constantly taking in their emotions or how they feel or what they want.
Maybe you see, I don't know, a stuffed baseball mitt and decide that you want to get it for them.
“Any of this sound familiar? Because if so, that is having romantic feelings for someone. It's liking someone, possibly even loving them, if you really want to get technical about it.”
I groan. “Don't use the L word, Carmen. You've already put one hex on me. Don't do another.”
She cackles like she's an evil witch. A few people turn their heads. I shake my head at her, smiling, because how can I not with a sister this theatrical?
“You deserve happiness, Royce. You deserve to have someone who worships the ground you walk on and thinks highly of you. Does this person do that?”
I shrug.
“Not really, but we aren't really exploring any of that. We work and then we have these tense moments and then we pretend they don't happen until the cycle repeats itself.”
“Okay, well, maybe the first step here is actually talking to this person and admitting there's more going on. If you can both do that much, then you can see where it goes. Be brave, little sibling.”
Be brave, I repeat, mulling over the words.
I've been brave my whole life.
I'm tired of being brave.
I'm tired of being strong.
It's not that I want someone to take care of me. I just hate having to make tough decisions.
But if I really think about it, Kenneth isn't a tough decision.
I know what I want.
It just doesn't feel right.
Well, maybe deep down it does, and I'm just fighting myself for no good reason.