Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
ERIN
ONE MONTH LATER
I t’s crazy that something as simple as eating breakfast can make me giddy happy, but here I am staring across the table, sharing a smile with Luke while he eats the pancakes I made him.
“I’m thinking about applying for that job in the library,” I tell him, hoping it won’t change the mood he’s in.
“That’s a great idea,” he tells me, standing up to put his plate in the basin and kissing the top of my head as he passes me.
“You wouldn’t mind me going to work?” I check.
“Not if it’s somethin’ you wanna do.” He shrugs his shoulders like it’s no big deal, and I feel my smile get even bigger.
“I just thought it would help pay a few bills and?—”
“You know I got that covered, right?” His face turns serious. “I got three of Brock Henderson’s horses coming here Tuesday for me to break in, and Titan’s being sent to stud a mare in Billings next week.”
“I know you got it.” I stand up and go to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and teasing his nose with mine. “I just wanna pull my weight around here.”
“You do pull your weight. You keep this place tidy, you cook all the meals; last week, you even helped deliver that calf. You do more than your fair share,” he tells me, swaying me a little in his arms and staring into my eyes in that way that makes me fall even harder in love with him every time he does it.
“The job’s only part-time; I’ll still be able to do all those things.
I just think it would be good for me to get out of the house and be sociable.
” I know that Luke is different from Matthew; he’s proved that every day since he’s been living here, but I can’t help being cautious when having conversations like this one.
It’ll take a while for me to get used to normal again.
“Matthew wouldn’t let you have a job, would he?” Luke frowns as his eyes fill with pity. I’ve been trying so hard not to talk about how life was with his brother; he pretends to be okay with it, but deep down, I know it’s hard for him to hear.
“Matthew never let me leave the house without him. I had to rely on him going to the stockyard to get to that family planning clinic.” I remember the way my heart would beat out of my chest the moment he left. Thankfully, I was never caught. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I was.
“I’m sorry you had to go through all that. I wish I’d known.” Luke strokes his thumb over my cheek, and naturally, I lean into his hand.
“None of it matters now.” I smile at him hopefully, and when we both hear footsteps on the porch, we quickly break away from each other.
“Morning.” Mary bursts through the door joyfully.
“Mornin’.” Luke clears his throat, looking guilty, while I flick the coffee machine on and avoid eye contact. It’s normal for Mary to call in unannounced these days, and her visits are never short. I figure that being here makes her feel close to Matthew, so I’m always welcoming to her.
“I brought blueberry muffins. I saw Liza in town yesterday, and she wouldn’t stop talking about them.” Mary places a basket on the table before heading over to Luke and kissing his cheek.
“I see you replaced the old corral. It looks good,” she comments, heading straight for the basin and starting on the breakfast dishes I haven't had a chance to do yet.
“I got three of Brock’s colts turning up Tuesday; thought making it a little bigger would?—”
“You're breaking in horses?” Mary looks alarmed.
“Yeah, I trained Dusty myself, and the horses Issac and Jake are riding. I’m pretty good at it.” He winks at me when she’s not looking, and it makes my stomach flip.
“This is a cattle ranch, Luke,” she reminds him, her face turning stern like she’s disappointed.
“I know that, but cattle don’t make money fast. Do you know how much I can earn from turning out a well-trained horse?”
“It’s not about what you can earn, it’s about what Matthew wanted. If he wanted this place to be a horse farm, he’d have broken horses in himself.” I can see her getting agitated, and I try to think of a way to defuse the situation.
“Mary, we both agreed that?—”
“Oh, you both agreed. Well, that makes it okay.” She throws her arms up and laughs sarcastically. “Matty wouldn’t have wanted this. He wanted to build on the herd. You know that.”
“Plans change, and I’m grateful that Luke is looking at other ways to bring revenue to the ranch.
The more money he makes, the more we can invest in the herd.
” I know I’m making sense, and when Mary closes her eyes and takes a long, deep breath, I know that she does, too.
Things are just tough for her to get her head around right now.
“Do you know how dangerous breaking in a horse can be?” She looks back at Luke.
“Mom, I’ve done it before.”
“Doing it before doesn’t make you an expert,” she tells him firmly.
“Mom, I’ll be fine. Brock knows I’m not an expert, but he’s putting his faith in me. Everyone’s gotta start somewhere, and this is something I really think I can do well.”
“I don’t think your father's gonna be happy.” She scratches her forehead.
“Yeah, well, Dad’s never happy, Mom. This can be the latest thing I do that he gets to moan about.” Luke picks up his hat and heads out the door, and Mary looks to me as if I’ve gone crazy.
“Are you really okay with all this?” she asks as if I should be protesting with her.
“Like I said, I'm just grateful to have him here. Luke’s been amazing, Bryce would be real proud of him.”
“Yeah, well, Luke’s right about one thing. Nothing pleases Bryce these days. Grief has swallowed him up, and it’s not looking like it’s gonna spit him back out anytime soon.” She looks so sad as she takes a seat at the table.
“You haven’t heard anything from Sheriff Nelson, have you?” She asks me the same question that she asks every time I see her.
“No, nothing, but I’m sure he’s doing his best.”
“I just keep asking myself, why? Why would this happen to us? Matthew was a good person; he was so kind and helpful to everyone he met.” I move away to finish making her coffee when her words start becoming hard to listen to.
And when I place the cup in front of her, she snatches my hand in hers before I can pull it away.
“Where's your wedding ring?” she asks with a look of sheer horror on her face.
“I took it off,” I answer, staring down at my empty finger and loving how freeing it feels.
“But why? Why would you do that?”
“It just felt like the right thing to do.” I shrug because I can’t give her the real reason; it would break the poor woman’s heart.
“How could taking off the ring Matty gave you to symbolize your marriage ever be the right thing to do?” Her voice gets louder and angrier.
“Because everyone deals with grief in their own way.” I stand my ground because there is no way I’m putting that damn ring back on my finger.
I couldn’t even if I wanted to. “I’ve got it somewhere safe.
I’ll always treasure it, but I don’t want to wear it.
” I lie to the woman's face because my wedding ring isn’t somewhere safe at all.
I tossed it in the river when me and Luke went for a ride a few days ago.
Wearing my wedding ring while being intimate with Luke didn’t feel right, and I’m all about moving on and looking to the future these days.
“I suppose it won’t be long till you're clearing out all his stuff too.” She huffs another sarcastic laugh, and I decide I might as well get everything out in the open while she’s already pissed at me.
“I wasn’t sure what you’d want me to do with everything, so I’ve boxed it up. You're welcome to go through it all and take whatever you want.”
“You boxed it up?” She snuffles. “Packed his life away in boxes when he’s not even cold.”
“I had to; seeing his things around the house, opening the wardrobe and seeing his clothes…it…it hurt.” That part at least is true; every shirt held a bad memory. I remember the beatings I took while he was wearing every single one of them.
“I’ll keep everything here until you're ready,” I assure her, knowing it must be hard for her. She knows nothing of the violent monster her son was; in her eyes, he was perfect. It’s natural for her to want to keep his memory alive for as long as possible.
“I should go. I just wanted to drop off the muffins.” She stands up, holding back her tears, and starts making for the door, and my conscience quickly steps in. This is a woman who’s just lost her son.
“Mary, I’m sorry if this is too much for you. I?—”
“It just feels like everything's changing. The world is just carrying on, and I don’t know how to carry on with it.” She takes a tissue from her pocket. “You’re right, we all deal with our grief differently, and I guess I’m still trying to find a way to deal with mine,” she admits weakly.
“You don’t have to leave, you can stay. We can talk about Matthew, if you like?
” I can’t think of anything worse, but this woman clearly needs an outlet.
I know from talking to Luke that Bryce is completely checked out.
She welcomed me into her family so lovingly, I can spare her a few hours to make her feel better.
“Are you sure?” she checks, her eyes already looking a little brighter.
“Of course, I’m sure. Come on, let's sit on the couch. You can tell me all about how he was when he was younger.”