Chapter 1 Never Get in a Car with Your Boyfriend #3
Suddenly, I think of Susannah, the girl Daniel dated before we became a thing.
I remember seeing the two of them sit together in the school cafeteria, hands all over each other while they were surrounded by their mutual friends.
The next day, the two of them were broken up, and a week later, Daniel, Mike, and Oliver started sitting with Nina and me.
Daniel often referred to his ex as heartless, especially in the first week of sitting at our table, but he never gave much of an explanation for why they broke up.
He didn’t really need to, though. To this day, the words Susannah and heartless bitch still get used interchangeably in the hallways.
People believe whatever he says so easily that I can’t help but wonder: If Daniel were to say something bad about me, would people believe that without a second thought, too?
I’m frozen. Daniel keeps looking at me until Blake pats him on the back. “It’s calling to you, dude. So tell us: Truth or dare?”
Please choose dare, I beg him silently.
“Truth,” he says instead.
All hope leaves my body, taking the warmth along with it until I’m left cold.
I hug myself tighter, bracing myself for the question Blake is obviously going to ask him.
There’s no way word hasn’t gotten around yet.
Plus, like I said: These games always cause drama, and though he wouldn’t admit it, drama is what Blake lives for.
It’s one of the reasons he insists on picking truths and dares for everyone.
“Truth, huh?” he says. His usual judgment for when someone picks this option is gone. “Easy. Why don’t you tell us why you and your beloved girlfriend Eleanore Young broke up?”
And to make it all worse, the guy actually points at me. As if using my full name didn’t make me flinch badly enough already.
God, I can’t wait for him to leave town.
I force my hands to stay still in my lap, even though I feel like I’ll explode if I don’t move right this second.
I want to do something, want to stim, want an outlet for the nerves that are now coursing through my body, but I can’t because of Rule #6: Keep your hands still when you talk (and, actually, also when you don’t).
Always be aware of your movements before you accidentally do something that’s considered weird.
I cannot break this. Especially not right now, with so many eyes pointed at me.
A few girls turn to me with sympathetic looks on their faces, but they’re definitely in the minority.
Most people are glancing between Daniel and me hungrily, waiting for things to blow up.
They’re being so unsubtle about it that I wouldn’t be surprised if someone pulled out fresh popcorn right this second.
My ex-boyfriend clears his throat. “Well, I broke up with her for a simple reason, but I guess it’s important to know a bit about why we started dating in the first place,” he tells everyone, looking around like he’s giving some sort of presentation.
“It’s pretty obvious that Ellie isn’t an open book despite her being one of the most popular girls in our year.
When the two of us started dating, though, I thought that—that maybe I could finally start to understand Willowmoor High’s favorite mystery better.
“I mean, as her boyfriend, that couldn’t be too hard, right?
Since we liked each other and all that stuff.
But guess what I discovered?” He pauses, and it’s like nobody breathes until he shrugs and says, his words slurring together just a little, “The reason we don’t know anything about her is that there’s nothing more to Eleanore Young than meets the eye.
She’s just another cute but boring girl who barely has a personality, and that is why we broke up. ”
After those words, he asks Blake for a refill. Casually. Like my world didn’t just go up in flames.
I’ll admit my inner monologue is often dramatic, but when I say this is my biggest nightmare, I mean it. It’s the thing I’ve been fearing since…forever. The thing younger Ellie would think of while blowing out her birthday candles, wishing it would never happen in the future. Not again.
I still remember how it was in middle school.
All I had to do back then was talk too loudly or smile too wide, and just like that, the other kids would stare at me, whispering or sometimes even shouting about how strange I was.
Telling me I wasn’t like them. I tried to carry the weight of those words on my shoulders, tried to keep my back straight despite how heavy they got, but they still pushed me down.
Down, down, down, trapping me in a spiral of self-loathing.
What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I be the kind of person worthy of having friends who weren’t my brother?
When high school came around, though, I knew I could change that…
and myself. I made up my rules and kept to them, and eventually Nina started to show interest in me.
Sure, it was probably because she wanted to get closer to my brother, but it started our friendship all the same.
Being associated with her good reputation made people slowly forget all about the “weird kid” I was before.
Instead, they started to actually like me.
Kind, thoughtful, supportive Eleanore Young.
My therapist wasn’t happy when I told her about my rules since she thinks it’s basically my way of hiding who I really am.
She calls it masking and says it’s common for autistic people like me to do, but she also says it’s not our job to constantly change ourselves to please other people.
And she’s right. Of course she is. I wouldn’t judge someone for being like me, but still.
I don’t know. If masking is what it takes to be treated like a human being, then I guess it’s worth it for me.
With my rules, I thought I had cracked the code. I thought the words too much and not good enough would never apply to me again, yet here we are. Back to where I started.
“Oh, and also,” Daniel continues after downing his new drink, no emotion whatsoever in his voice.
Like he doesn’t realize he’s unraveling me in front of everyone we know.
“The two of us dated for six months, but Ellie always avoided going anywhere private with me. Pretty much the only times I’ve been alone with her were so we could kiss.
” Suddenly a bitter laugh escapes him. “I mean, that’s not normal behavior, right?
I had to break up with her in my car on the way here.
All so I wouldn’t be the asshole who broke up with her in public. ”
“Bro,” Mike tells him, “that still makes you an asshole.”
Daniel at least has the decency to pause, thinking it over. But all he eventually says is “It’s fine. There are no hard feelings between us. Right, Ellie?”
And then, finally, he looks me in the eyes again. I tense under his cold gaze, swallowing audibly even in this loud room.
“Okay, that’s enough,” Nina says sharply from next to me. She grabs my wrist and starts dragging me out of the circle. With her other hand, she flips off the group. I don’t have the energy to fight her, even though all I can think is Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no.
There are whispers everywhere in and near the circle. People talk and look and laugh and make up their minds about me until, just like that, everything I ever did to avoid being the weird girl has been erased.
Now all I am is that odd, boring girl, all because Daniel decided so.
I follow my only friend through the sea of people. Nina holds on to me like she’s scared I’ll run away if she lets go, and maybe I should have, because when we come to a stop, it’s in front of the last person I want to ask for help.
Noah is busy talking to two of his friends, so for a split second I am naive enough to believe I can still flee the scene without being noticed. Then his eyes land on me, and he stops in the middle of his sentence. He turns to me, worry and confusion mixed in his frown.
I’m standing too close to him to act like I wasn’t going to say something. So, genius that I am, I decide to greet him with a forced smile. “Hi, No,” I say, my voice cracking even though only four letters leave my mouth.
At the use of his ancient nickname, Noah goes into full-on protective brother mode, immediately dragging me to the door. He doesn’t even apologize to his friends for leaving so abruptly, but he does give Nina a thankful nod I’m sure I’ll hear more about soon.
Once we’re outside and fresh air fills my lungs, Noah turns to me again, all wide eyes and worry. “What’s up, Ellie? Are you okay?”
I look away from his intense gaze. A knot ties itself in my chest, and I know I shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for help, especially from Noah. He’s my brother and one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, but after so many months of me pushing him away, it feels wrong to expect anything from him.
Still, I ask, “Can you— Could you please take me home?”
Noah blinks a few too many times in surprise before finally recollecting himself. “Yeah, sure,” my twin brother tells me, his expression softening. “Let’s go home.”