Chapter 2 When Nobody’s Got You, Remember Your Pros-and-Cons List’s Got You
Okay, so…I might have lied a little when I said my rules have never failed me.
Yes, they’ve definitely made high school more bearable, but tonight isn’t the first time things have blown up in my face.
In fact, the last time someone I love found out about the list, I had to lock them out of my life—and my bedroom—completely.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but every good thing comes with some kind of sacrifice, right?
When Noah was in my room sometime during our first year of high school, he stumbled upon the piece of paper I’d written the first six rules on.
People have always liked Noah for who he is—the nice, talkative, laid-back twin—so of course he didn’t get it.
Said no one’s approval is worth changing myself for.
Up until then, Noah and I had been best friends.
Not because we were twins and our parents forced us to be, but because he was genuinely, without a doubt, my favorite person in existence.
I wanted to keep him close to me for the rest of our lives, but that just wasn’t a possibility after that night.
Not when Noah made it his personal mission to make me forget my rules.
The breaking point was when he told Nina she could stop pretending to be my friend because he would never go out with her, no matter how hard she tried to get close to him.
Nina came to me in tears after that, saying she hoped I knew Noah was not the reason we were friends, that her feelings for my brother were one thing but our friendship was something else entirely.
Something she didn’t want to lose over a boy.
The next week, Nina had convinced herself to forget all about what Noah had told her, ready to once again commit to the long game of winning his heart.
I couldn’t shake his words as easily, though.
I’ve always known my best friend’s initial interest in me had little to do with who I was and everything to do with my brother, but Noah trying to sabotage our friendship over it still went too far for me.
When I confronted my brother about it, he called Nina selfish and cruel.
He said that someone like her would only ever abuse my kindness, never actually like me—the real Ellie, the one only he and our parents knew.
That’s when I realized the only way to stop him from ruining my chances of becoming likable was by pushing him away.
By erasing the version of me he remembered.
So I made up one final rule.
Rule #7: Don’t, under any circumstances, let anyone see the “real” you. Once you let your guard down completely around a person, they’ll be able to see right through you—and the last thing you need is for someone to set everything you’ve been trying to hide free.
The rest is history.
I never hid that I think it’s bullshit when people believe having a twin means you are magically connected and can, for example, finish each other’s thoughts, but I do get where the theory comes from.
Because having to distance myself from Noah?
It really did feel like ripping a piece of my heart out of my own chest.
I’ve been keeping him at arm’s length for almost three years now, which is why, when we get into the car to drive away from this party, he knows better than to ask me what happened.
Instead, he puts on some music and lets me stare out the window in peace as I try to think of a way to fix the mess that is my life.
Or, at least, I thought that was what we were doing. But after a minute of total silence, Noah starts talking.
“So,” he says, stretching the word out as if I haven’t had enough awkward car rides today. “Speaking of our last year of high school…”
I keep my head turned away from him, looking at the dark night sky so he can’t see the way my lips twitch in an attempt not to laugh at the absurdity of his comment. It’s just so typically Noah.
“I was thinking about how that means this will probably be the last year we ever really live together, too.” I look at him, and he smiles sadly.
A few seconds of silence pass between us before he says, “I know you’re only coming to SMASH!
to spend more time with Daniel, but maybe we could hang out a bit while we’re there, too?
We haven’t been close for a few years now, but I…
I miss you, Ellie. A lot. And I really don’t want the distance between us to become impossible to cross when we both move away for college. ”
I push the first half of what he said as far away from me as I can.
“Our colleges are likely going to be hundreds of miles away from each other, Noah. There’s little we can do to change that.
” I clear my throat. “But that fact aside, Daniel and I just broke up, actually. So I guess I’ll have a whole lot of time to spend with you at camp. If you truly want that.”
Noah scans my face for something, but judging by his frown, he doesn’t find what he’s looking for.
“I’m really…sorry to hear about you and Daniel,” he says, careful, even though I know for a fact he never liked my ex-boyfriend.
He swallows. “But for the record, I wasn’t talking about the literal distance.
I’m just scared that if we keep walking past each other like we’ve been doing for the past few years, we will lose touch completely—until one day we’re two estranged forty-year-olds who have way too many regrets and no way to repair their broken relationship! ”
Even as the words tumble out of his mouth, he tries to keep his tone lighthearted, adding a nervous laugh at the end. But I know Noah, and he only rambles like this when he feels helpless.
I press my lips together tightly, the words I want to ignore now echoing through my head. I miss you, Ellie. It’d be so easy for me to confess that I miss him, too, to let him back into my life just a little bit. I’m allowed to have this one real thing, right?
But I wouldn’t even know how to let him in, so I let my gaze drop to my hands instead, which earns me a deep sigh from Noah.
“Come on, Ellie,” he says softly, his voice breaking a little.
“You know you can’t keep doing this for the rest of your life, right?
And what better time to forget about your list than right now?
It’s like in those books you’re always reading!
” he pushes. “It’s summer, you’re about to be at camp, away from home and outside your comfort zone, and deep down you know it’s time for a change.
A big one. My job as the side character is to convince you to actually take that chance! ”
I stare at him, blinking. “Wait, you read my romance novels? And why are you acting like they’re all the same?”
A grin tugs at his mouth. “First of all, there definitely is a pattern most of them follow, and you know how much I love analyzing stuff like that. So yeah, I might’ve stolen—I mean borrowed a few, but we both know that’s beside the point I’m trying to make right now.
Please just think about it, Ellie. Okay? ”
And I do. Even though I’m trying so hard not to think about what he’s saying, I do.
Because of course he’s right, and suddenly memories of everything he’s ever said about beach volleyball camp return to me.
He started going the summer after I shut him out, so I only know stuff from conversations he had at the dinner table with our parents, but what I’ve heard from him is exactly what I need.
I can recall multiple conversations in which Noah rambled on and on about how summer camp is where he can be the truest version of himself.
Where he can show parts of who he is that he didn’t even know existed.
And wouldn’t that solve all my problems?
One summer with people I’ll never have to see again.
A summer for learning to let go, for messing up as much as I want without being judged…
and for trying to become fun enough so that, at the end of all this, Daniel will want me back, thus proving to everyone at school that what he said about me isn’t true.
It’s the perfect solution.
When we get home, I run to my room and open up my favorite notebook. I write and write and write, my hands shaking a little with excitement as I do so. Partly because making pros-and-cons lists makes me embarrassingly happy, but also because this could work. I could actually fix all this.
Once I drop my pen next to me, I don’t even have to reread the pros and cons I wrote down in order to know what I’m going to do.
In a few weeks, I’ll be at beach volleyball camp, studying the people around me and learning how to be more like myself again. More fun. All I need is to complete this simple checklist:
? Allow yourself to talk more.
? Don’t overthink too much.
? Stop holding back your laughter.
? Learn how to get vulnerable again.
? Let yourself fall in love.
Bye, rumors. Bye, whispers. Bye, staring. Just like that, my senior year of high school will be saved.