Chapter 6 Remember to Not Think #2
“Yes,” I say, breathing the word out in relief that she understands. “Well, most things, at least. Not chemistry.”
Even though I don’t have time to look at her, I like to imagine Sierra has traces of a grin on her face then. “Definitely not chemistry,” she agrees. “Okay, next question—”
“No,” I interrupt immediately, surprising both of us.
“What do you mean, ‘no’?” Sierra asks, letting the ball that’s coming her way drop in the sand. “Eleanore, I know you don’t exactly like playing volleyball, but this is actually working. You’re finally starting to get out of your own head.”
And she’s right. By trying to keep the ball up in the air and talk at the same time, I can’t focus as much on saying the right thing.
There’s just no room for that in my head anymore.
But still I repeat, “No. It’s not time for the next question.
” I meet her gaze. “You have to answer your own question first.”
She rolls her eyes at that. “This is an exercise to help you, not me, but sure.” She sighs.
“I feel at ease when I’m playing volleyball.
Beach or indoor—it doesn’t really matter.
Although I do personally prefer the rules of indoor volleyball, but whatever,” she says, and even though she tries to brush over that quickly, my eyes are widening already.
“There are different rules?” I interrupt.
She raises an eyebrow at me. “You really don’t know much for someone whose brother plays, but yes, there are a few rules that differ. That’s something to go over when you are more familiar with beach volleyball, though. We don’t need you to confuse the rules right now.”
I nod. “Fair point,” I say, even though I wish I could get her to elaborate. For some reason, I want to know what exactly she prefers about the indoor volleyball rules—not so I can see which I would prefer but simply for the sake of knowing something real about her, however small it might be.
“Anyway.” Sierra pulls me out of my thoughts.
“I know most people don’t understand why it’s so relaxing to me since volleyball can get quite exhausting and intense, like any other sport, but…
I don’t know. I quit playing indoor volleyball a few months ago, and before beach volleyball season began, I was the most restless I’ve ever been.
” She pauses to think. Then: “Even though playing means I constantly have to be moving and thinking about my next moves before even doing my first, it’s relaxing to me.
When I’m on a volleyball court, the rest of the world disappears. It’s just me and my team.”
I nod, considering her words. “It does sound kind of nice, you know, when you put it like that. It almost makes me want to play.” I give her a grin before fully processing what she said. “But why did you quit?” I ask carefully.
She shrugs as if it’s nothing important.
“Let’s just say that Willowmoor’s team is a little too homophobic for my liking, and I have yet to convince my dad it’s worth it to play in another town.
” Before I get to ask anything else or even say I’m sorry people are so awful, she picks up the ball again, holding it under her arm.
“You’re actually pretty good at this. You’ve got more instincts for playing volleyball than you think,” she tells me.
I straighten my back automatically, the corners of my mouth lifting into a proud smile.
“But,” Sierra continues, “there’s still a lot of work to be done. Come on.”
She throws the ball back in the air, and so the game continues.
The next evening, after a long and hot day at the beach practicing with Sierra, I try to make some progress in the book I’m reading. I’m not exactly succeeding at it, given the fact that I’ve been staring at the same page for five minutes now.
The author is describing the butterflies the main character feels when she thinks about the love of her life. It’s poetic and probably at least a little bit exaggerated, but as I close my eyes and picture Daniel’s face, I don’t feel even a fraction of what is being described.
Again and again, I imagine kissing him or holding his hand or, I don’t know, falling asleep while I’m comfortably wrapped up in his arms. But when I inhale sharply, it isn’t because the thought of him is taking away my ability to breathe.
I’m just frustrated by the lack of progress I’ve made so far, by the numbness in my chest that’s too similar to how I felt whenever I kissed Daniel in the past. There was never anything poetic about it—no fireworks exploding in the sky when our lips met, no warmth spreading through my body, no feeling of coming home.
Just two lips meeting until it was done, as if we were checking the same item off a to-do list over and over again.
Three seconds of happiness because you finished the task, always followed by the return of that numbness.
There has to be more to it than that, right?
A loud and unexpected knock on the door of cabin 4 brings me back to my current reality.
I exchange some looks with my cabinmates, but they seem just as clueless as I am. It’s Sierra who eventually moves to find out, while Sloane, Veronica, and I steal unsubtle glances at the door. I really don’t know who I expected to appear, but it certainly wasn’t my ex-boyfriend.
Daniel stands in the opening of our cabin, brown hair still wet and a little wild from a shower. I’ve been thinking he might spend this whole summer pretending we don’t know each other, but now, when his blue eyes find mine, he doesn’t look away.
“Hey,” he says, putting his hands in the pockets of his black sweatpants—the only thing he’s wearing right now.
“Please put a shirt on,” Sierra orders by way of greeting. “And then go back to your own room. All right, good talk, bye!” She immediately goes to close the door again, but despite being caught off guard by her boldness, his eyes widening, Daniel still manages to stop the door with his foot.
“Stay out of it, Levine. I’m here to talk to Ellie,” he tells her, words sharp as a knife. Then he looks back at me, softening. “Do you want to come take a quick walk with me?” he asks gently.
I put down the book I’m holding, carefully sliding a bookmark between the pages to win myself some time for thinking of what my answer should be. This is exactly what I wanted, right? Daniel is finally showing some interest in me again.
So why do I wish Sierra would just slam the door in his face?
I push that thought away. It’s probably just my hatred for confrontation. “Alright,” I agree, “but you better make it quick, because the chapter I’m reading is really good.”
He smiles, watching as I climb out of the bunk bed.
“I’ll be right back,” I whisper to Sierra, who looks like she’s still considering shutting the door in Daniel’s face.
She doesn’t, so I step out into the evening air and shut the door behind Daniel and me instead.
It’s a hot summer night, the sky above us a warm shade of orange as the sun goes down, but there’s a cold breeze that makes me wrap my arms around my body.
“So…how’ve you been?” Daniel asks as soon as we’ve started walking.
I turn my head so I can look at him, my eyes sliding from his dark hair to his perfect jawline and back up to those blue eyes that always have a mischievous spark in them. It makes him look alive, like he’s constantly up to something.
As I take in my ex-boyfriend, I can’t help thinking that he’s handsome…but that’s just the problem, isn’t it? I know he’s attractive, and yet for some inexplicable reason, I can’t feel it. Not in my heart, not in my belly, not anywhere. Except for in my head.
Give it a chance, I urge myself. You’re trying to change. Maybe he will, too, and everything will make sense this time.
“I’ve been having an incredible time here.
Like, the people are really nice, and I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but…
I’m starting to not hate playing beach volleyball.
I think…” I start, then I trail off before continuing with “I think I might even miss all this when we have to leave. Although I do think some rest would be nice.” I laugh.
Instead of replying to any of what I just told him, Daniel nods slowly.
Then, after a quick pause, he stops walking and turns his body toward me.
“Listen,” he says, “I am so incredibly sorry for what happened at the party.” He takes a deep breath, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows.
I force myself to look him in the eyes, waiting to see if I can find sincerity in them.
But I’ve never been good at reading people.
“I know there’s no excuse for my behavior from that night,” he continues, “but I need you to know I would do anything to go back in time and not say what I said. It’s just that…
drunk me was upset and confused about why you were so chill about me breaking up with you.
I thought it meant you never liked me at all. ”
I tense at those words, immediately wanting to deny what he’s saying—so quickly it almost seems like a reflex. But before I get to make out a single word, Daniel continues talking like this is some kind of monologue instead of a two-sided conversation.
“I now know how stupid that was, so, what I wanted to say is: I know I messed up. I was drunk, and I said some horrible shit, but I’m sorry for that. Every single word.”
A silence hangs between us as we walk side by side and I think it over.
Eventually, because I don’t know what else there is to say, I simply admit, “Okay. I appreciate you…saying this.” No matter how bitter the taste in my mouth still is when I think about what he said, for my plan to work, I need to forgive Daniel.
Even if the guy really doesn’t know how to apologize properly.
“Yeah? Awesome,” Daniel says, clearly hearing only what he wants to hear. “I guess I’ll just walk you back to your cabin, then?”
“Um, sure.”
It takes us only a minute or so to arrive back at cabin 4. A minute I spend entirely focused on the presence of Daniel walking next to me. A minute I spend willing butterflies to flutter around in my chest at his proximity.
It doesn’t work, but maybe I’m thinking it through too much.
Yeah. That must be it.
I’m about to tell Daniel good night when he grabs my wrist and says, voice low, “There’s one more thing I need to discuss with you, actually. I saw you at the beach today and…Don’t get me wrong, it was nice to see you happy, but are you, like, actually friends with Levine?”
I frown. “Yes, I am,” I lie. “Is that a problem?”
Daniel finally loosens his grip on my wrist. “Just…be careful around her, okay? I know how important your reputation is to you, and hanging out with Sierra is not going to help with that.”
I tense at his words. There’s a truth in what he’s saying, for sure, but all I can focus on right now is the sudden anger in my body.
I want to snap, want to tell him, Oh, but you saying I’m boring in front of everyone was so good for my reputation, right?
I almost open my mouth before my eyes meet his, and then I can’t help but chicken out.
His eyes are so familiar, such a big part of the old Ellie’s life that I can feel myself turning into her again. The girl who wouldn’t dare to speak up.
I look away, telling Daniel, “I’m always careful.”
He nods to the door of cabin 4, apparently satisfied with my answer. “I’ll let you get back to your night, then. And to your book. I’ll see you around, though?” he asks.
I almost nod, almost let him turn away, before I realize I have not once asked him a real question in this whole conversation. How is he supposed to see that I’ve changed if I revert to who I always was around him?
I quickly think back to what Sierra taught me and blurt out, “Actually, I need to know something, too.”
Daniel looks at me, his interest regained. He loves the chase most of all—a challenge, a mystery to figure out—so I decide to give him something to think about.
Before the moment passes and Daniel gets bored, I ask, “Do you have a favorite color?”
For a moment, he just blinks at me. Again, again, again, like he’s so caught off guard by my question that he’s forgotten how to frown.
I tilt my head at him, signaling that I’m waiting, which makes him snap out of it. “It’s blue,” he says. “Why do you need to know that?”
I think it over for a second, trying to find meaning behind his answer like I did with Sierra’s yesterday, and even though I can’t come up with anything, I smile like he’s just given me the most interesting piece of information ever.
“Okay. In that case, I’ll see you around,” I tell him right before I disappear into my cabin, leaving him outside with just enough questions for me to stay on his mind for the rest of the night.