Chapter 13 Note to Self Humans Are Better Conversation Partners than Pieces of Paper
I know this is not what Gigi meant when she told us to take some time to relax the day before the final beach volleyball competition, but the whole reason I’m at this camp is to learn to stop people-pleasing. So, technically, I’m just doing that.
My notebook lies open before me in the sand, showing two pages full of my own handwriting, while my friends talk about taking a swim.
It’s time I stop letting myself be distracted by the here and now of this summer.
When school starts back up, I’ll thank myself for focusing on working toward the solution for my problem.
I thought that by writing down all the events of the past two weeks in chronological order, I’d feel less confused about everything that’s happened.
Putting my feelings on paper has always helped me see things clearer, but right now, even with all the words staring back at me, none of it is making sense.
Things have been going almost exactly as planned. I’ve been able to check off four out of five items on my list fairly smoothly, and yet I’m still procrastinating on the last one.
? Allow yourself to talk more.
? Don’t overthink too much.
? Stop holding back your laughter.
? Learn how to get vulnerable again.
? Let yourself fall in love.
There has to be something I’m missing, an actual reason I haven’t been able to feel stuff around Daniel. Once I’ve figured out what that is, I can fix everything.
But that’s just the thing, isn’t it? I can’t find a logical explanation for it, so I’m totally, horribly stuck.
I read over my own words again and again and again. I analyze them, and I search for whatever it is that is sabotaging me, but eventually, when my friends demand my attention, I’m still not any wiser than before.
“What are you wriiitiiing?” Sloane asks me, stretching out the final word playfully. Luckily for me, she doesn’t try to read what’s in my notebook, respecting my privacy.
I swallow, knowing I can’t tell her the truth.
As good as I have become at opening up and revealing parts of myself I hadn’t felt comfortable with before, telling her about my plan to win Daniel back feels like a bit too much.
Especially since it reveals that, even as I claim I’ll be unapologetically myself from now on, without any rules, I’m still following another kind of plan in hopes of fitting in at school. Fitting into a box.
“I’m just brainstorming,” I decide to tell Sloane.
And Noah, who I notice has tuned into our conversation.
“Our school has some sort of tradition to make all the seniors reintroduce themselves in a presentation, to break stereotypes or whatever. I have to give mine a few weeks into the new school year, so I figured I’d start thinking about it now. ”
A lie. I’ve been actively avoiding thinking about it. I’ve never been big on presentations, but one in which I have to talk about myself, in which the goal is to let people know the real me? Yeah, that’s forever going to be a nightmare for me.
“Interesting,” Sloane says, nodding as she thinks about it. “I honestly don’t know if I love or hate that idea.”
I almost tell her that I, on the contrary, do know how to feel about it, but then Maya interrupts by letting out a loud cheer as they run to the sea. We all watch as their body collides with the water, making them shriek from both the excitement and the impact of the waves.
“YOU GUYS AREN’T GOING TO LET ME DO THIS ALONE, ARE YOU?!” they yell our way, smile growing wider and wider as Liam, Veronica, and Sloane join one by one. Eventually Yasmeen follows, too.
“You coming as well?” Sierra asks Noah and me. To my surprise, she’s also walking toward the others.
I give her a smile. “I’m good for now,” I tell her.
“Same,” Noah agrees, and then it’s just us two left.
The rest of the group is loud and far away enough that they can’t hear us, but still Noah leans into me to quietly say, “So what are you actually writing about?”
I look at him, my lips parted, but no sound comes out as I try to decide what to tell him.
Eventually I cave. I hand him my notebook, the page with my checklist on it open again.
“My crisis,” I answer with a groan. As he reads, I tell him, “I think you already assumed I came to SMASH! with a plan because, well, I always have a plan, don’t I?
But either way: There are five steps to it.
Four of them I’ve completed by breaking the rules, but for some reason I can’t seem to complete the last step. ”
Noah considers me for a second, then asks, “Who were you hoping to fall in love with? You know you can’t force something like that with just anyone, right?”
I look away, blushing. “The full plan is to fall in love with Daniel,” I admit, my voice so quiet I almost think Noah hasn’t been able to hear it.
But then I lift my head again, and I catch my brother looking at me like I’ve told him I’m trying to summon a demon with nothing but a candle that cost me a dollar.
“That douchebag?” he exclaims. “Um, yeah, no wonder you’re failing.
” He shudders dramatically at the thought of it, but then he turns serious again, suddenly wondering aloud, “Why would you even want to get back with him?”
I take a deep breath, swallowing audibly. “If the two of us get back together, people will see I’m not as boring or unlovable as he claimed I am. I don’t want people to see me that way.”
Noah’s expression gets both angry and sad from my words. I see the two emotions fight on his face, see him soften with pity only to then clench his jaw. “I swear this goddamn notebook is cursed. I wish you’d just burn it. All it ever does is make you feel awful.”
I grin. “You know, I’ve never seen someone feel as strongly about someone else’s notebook as you do,” I tease.
“Um, yeah, and I have good reason to. The fact that I’ve been jealous of a bunch of paper for the past few years makes me feel kind of pathetic,” he explains. “I always wished you’d confide in me instead.”
I fall silent for a few seconds. “I never thought about it like that,” I admit quietly.
“Yeah, well.” Noah forces a little smile, waving his feelings away even though we both know how much he hated it. “Doesn’t matter. We’re friends again now, aren’t we?”
I nod. “Definitely.”
He gives me a soft smile, but his shoulders slump a little as he looks me in the eye again.
“I’m sorry that people at school are making you feel like you have to prove yourself to them.
” He pauses. Then: “I know I will never truly understand the judgment you deal with, but still. Isn’t the constant pressure worse than any of that?
Like, every time you’re at school or with Nina—or with literally anyone else, actually—you’re so careful not to make a mistake.
Isn’t it easier to just let yourself mess up sometimes?
At least that way, you have some room to breathe. ”
I swallow once again. “I’m trying,” I tell him truthfully.
My voice is fragile, as if it’s one step away from breaking.
“I really, really am going to try not to worry about pleasing everyone at school anymore, but it’s so hard.
I’m used to people liking me these days, but if I change this much about myself…
even Nina could start to hate this new version of me. ”
Noah sighs. “I know you consider her your best friend, but god, that pisses me off.”
We’re both quiet for a second before I decide to blurt out, against my better judgment, “She’s convinced you’re in love with her, you know.”
“Oh, I’m aware,” Noah says, groaning. “I never wanted to give her any kind of signal that I was into her, but she thinks me talking to her or even just acknowledging her existence is already a sign that I’m secretly mad about her.”
“Yeah, about that,” I start, turning to him curiously. “If you don’t like her, why do you two talk so much during history?”
He groans once more—louder this time. “She seriously told you about that?” he asks.
“Oh yeah. All the details,” I tell him, grinning despite how much I hated listening to Nina’s rambles about him.
“Well.” He sighs. “If you really must know, I talked to her so I could sort of keep up with your life. You refused to tell me anything, so I kind of kept asking her stuff. How is Ellie doing? Did she tell you about a new romance novel she loves? Is she really happy with that jerk—I mean Daniel?”
I cringe. “Nina and I don’t really talk about…any of those things.”
Noah looks at me, clearly not surprised by this.
“I know,” he confirms. “Every time I’d ask something—anything—about you, she wouldn’t know what to say.
That’s the main reason I don’t like her, Ellie.
She doesn’t show even a little bit of genuine interest in your life.
She only asks you basic questions when she feels like she absolutely has to or when it fits her interests.
And in the meantime she just expects you to keep on giving and giving and giving her everything she wants.
One supposed misstep and she already gets frustrated with you. ”
He turns to me, waiting for me to deny it. I don’t, because deep down I know I can’t. “Yeah, that’s all true, but—”
“There shouldn’t be a but!” he interrupts a little too loudly.
He pauses, then lowers his voice to say, “I admire how you always want to see the good in people, and yeah, there are worse people in this world than Nina Davis. But that’s no excuse for her to make you feel this way.
And you certainly don’t have to let her…
” I look away, but he keeps talking. “It’s your decision at the end of the day, but I don’t think it’s a healthy friendship.
I think some distance from her would do you good. ”
And despite everything, despite the guilt already settling in my stomach, I don’t defend Nina. Instead I say, “I really shouldn’t be talking about this stuff behind her back, though. I hate gossiping.”
“It’s not gossiping if you’re just talking about your very real feelings caused by someone’s very real actions, Ellie.
You’re allowed to do that,” Noah tries to assure me.
I stay quiet for too long, so he lets it go.
“But okay, we’ve sidetracked.” He leans forward again.
“What do you want to do with Daniel? Just get back together and then…break up once you’ve proven your point to everyone? ”
I shake my head. “No. I want to genuinely feel good around him. I want to want to be with him.” My lips part then close again before I eventually say, “Sometimes I wish things with Daniel were as easy as they are with Sierra. Like, when I’m with her, being together doesn’t feel like an effort. It feels…natural. I don’t get why.”
When I look back at Noah, he, for once, looks unsure of what to say.
“What?” I ask, something close to a nervous laugh escaping.
Every single word that leaves his mouth is careful as he asks me, “Do you think that, perhaps, one of the reasons things aren’t working with Daniel is because you’ve been looking for love in the wrong place?
That maybe you are capable of having the romance you want, but just not with someone like… him?”
I frown at him. “What does that even mean?”
Noah sighs. “Close your eyes,” he commands, looking over at me to check I’m doing as he says. Even though I’m confused, I do. “Picture yourself kissing Daniel.”
My whole body tenses at the thought, just like it used to do every time the kiss was actually real.
“Now,” Noah continues a few moments later, “imagine it’s Sierra you’re kissing.”
My eyes fly open. “What the fuck, dude?”
“Just do it” is all he has to say to that.
And even though I refuse to close my eyes again, I can imagine the feeling of Sierra’s soft lips pressed against mine.
I imagine the space between us growing smaller and smaller and smaller as we kiss, as I pull her close and lose myself in the warmth of her touch.
“So?” Noah asks, pulling me back to reality.
My breathing catches in my throat, and just like in the romance novels I read all the time, the only thing on my mind is a simple Oh.
Because, well, oh.
My hands find their way into my hair as I get up, pacing around our beach towels with wide eyes.
“Oh my god! I think I like Sierra?!” I exclaim a little too loudly before remembering she’s right there, swimming in the sea.
My eyes quickly find her, but she’s too busy listening to our friends to have overheard my revelation.
Noah studies me carefully, scanning my face for a few seconds before picking up my pen and jotting something down in my notebook. Then he hands it back to me, saying, calm as ever, “Well, I guess you’ve officially completed all the items on that checklist of yours.”