Chapter 14 For the Love of God, Keep Your Head in the Game
Playing beach volleyball is all fun and games until you have to focus on a ball while the girl you like is standing a few feet away from you, her presence making you burn hotter than the sun. And yes, that is saying quite a lot given the fact that we’re in the middle of a record-breaking heat wave.
Add in the fact I barely slept last night because of this sexuality crisis, and the result is my very own personal hell.
The only thing keeping me from falling asleep right here and now is the thought of missing Sierra’s reaction if we were to win the competition.
We’re currently only halfway through our first game, but she’s been giving me a quick high five whenever we manage to score a point, so I can’t help but think about what might happen if we actually win this thing.
Would she give me a hug? Wrap her arms around me and squeeze me tight without even thinking about it until, just like that, we feel our hearts beating together?
Would she feel the same butterflies I’m getting while simply imagining this?
I push the thought away. God, I really did lose my ability to think straight, didn’t I?
The girl on the other side of the net spikes hard after her partner passes the ball to her perfectly, and I have to throw myself into the sand to make sure we don’t lose this rally because I wasn’t focusing.
Sierra runs after my badly aimed ball and ensures it makes its way back over to me in a high arc, giving me enough time to get off the ground.
I do, and then I spike as well.
The ball spins to the other side of the court, where it eventually hits the sand. Right within the sidelines.
Sierra turns to me immediately, eyes wide with pride. “NICE!” she exclaims, once again giving me a high five. It’s even more forceful than I am used to from her. I try not to wince at the impact. “You calculated that one perfectly!”
“Thanks,” I say with a nervous little laugh, simply accepting the compliment. There’s no point in telling her I didn’t actually intend for the ball to land there.
Sierra serves again, and so the game continues until, eventually, we win it. I don’t get the hug I was so desperately yearning for, but her face does light up with an excited smile, which honestly might even be better.
Though that hug really wouldn’t have hurt, either.
“You did so great,” Sierra tells me as we walk to the locker room to cool down a bit between games. The temperature is much more bearable in here, so I’m surprised to find that there’s no one else hiding from the sun and its warmth right now.
I settle down on one of the benches, focusing on my breathing as Sierra does the same on the other side of the room. We don’t say anything, just enjoy the silence together. That is, until I feel that tug in my chest again. The one I’ve come to realize means I’m longing to be closer to Sierra.
I swallow, trying to calm my heart and get rid of this feeling. Because even if she likes me in that way—which is a big if—being with Sierra isn’t realistic, and I have to accept that.
At the start of this summer, all I wanted was to get through my last year of high school without too many eyes on me, but now there’s something else I want: Sierra. The only problem is that I know these are not two things I can have at the same time.
Being with Sierra would draw so much unwanted attention to us…
to me. When I was with Daniel, nobody was surprised.
The two of us—we made sense together, as everyone would say.
People at school even went so far as to claim we were perfect together, complementing each other in all the right ways, but Sierra and me?
I can’t think of a single person who wouldn’t be shocked to discover I have feelings for her—including myself.
I’m not naive enough to believe that, if I try to hide it, I will just stop liking girls.
I know these feelings are real and that they’re not some sort of phase I’ll be able to grow out of, but high school can be especially cruel sometimes, and if I’m being totally honest with myself, I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle the things people would say.
Especially not when I’ve only just gotten the voice in my head to admit that I’m not just some ally to the queer community.
“Stop overthinking,” Sierra says suddenly, breaking through my thoughts. When I open my eyes, she’s walking toward me, her brown eyes studying me carefully. “Do you need a hug?” she asks. “I’m sweaty, but—”
Before she can finish that sentence, I let my heart lead me into her arms, telling myself this will be a very chill, platonic hug.
Spoiler alert: It is not. I’m enjoying how she’s everything I feel and see and smell way too much for that.
“Did you just sniff me?” Sierra asks, a laugh hidden in her words, but before I even have a second to die from embarrassment, a loud voice from outside yells, “Sierra and Ellie against Zoey and Maxine on court five, please!”
I groan in protest, but Sierra ignores me, making her way over to court 5 like she knows I’d follow her anywhere.
“Let’s win this thing,” she says.
Each game we play goes a little like this: One of us serves, our opponents return the ball to us, Sierra manages to save it, I pass it to her, and then she spikes, eventually earning us another point.
I might be a much better player than I was at the start of this summer, but Sierra and I still agreed that we should try to avoid cases in which I’d have to bring the ball to the other side of the net.
She’s on a whole other level than I am, obviously, and if we want a shot at winning this, we’ve got to focus on our strengths.
It’s this strategy that has us winning game after game after game. As we near the end of the competition, I’m starting to actually get hopeful about our chances of at least ending up in the top three. Even though she tries to hide it from showing on her face, I know Sierra must feel that way, too.
Everything she wanted for this summer is so close, we can almost reach it. Almost.
“Sierra and Ellie against Daniel and Jacob on court one, please!”
At this announcement, Sierra is the one to groan. “I’m going to be so fucking happy when we get back home and I don’t have to have anything to do with that dude anymore,” she mumbles.
I don’t reply to that, just make my way over to the first court instead. Because I know damn well it won’t be as easy for me to get rid of Daniel Solomon.
As we play the game, I try not to pay attention to the fact that it’s my ex-boyfriend on the other side of the net.
I don’t listen to his attempts to distract me and only look at him when it’s necessary to win the game.
Sierra and I are playing well, maybe even at our best, but so are our opponents, and every time we score a point, they win the next rally.
We go on and on like that, our points staying close the whole time…until, finally, we’re nearing the end of the game. They need only one more point, while we still need three.
Daniel serves the ball, of course directing it right at me. It spins my way with such force that, when I try to guide it toward Sierra with my arms, it doesn’t do what I want. She still runs after it, giving her all, but it’s a lost cause.
The ball falls into the sand, and my heart drops with it as Daniel and Jacob cheer, giving each other some kind of bro hug.
Fuck.
“Aww, Ellie,” Daniel says as he sees the disappointed expression on my face. He takes a step closer to me. “You played a good game, don’t worry. But you know there was no point in getting your hopes up.”
“Oh please,” Sierra snaps at him, still out of breath. “We made you sweat just now. And we beat your asses at capture the flag.”
Daniel’s attention leaves me, a condescending smile finding its way onto his face as he tells Sierra, “But neither of those is what really matters to you, right, Levine?”
At the sound of his condescending tone, I can’t help myself. I take a step closer to him, staring right into his eyes and saying, “At least she cares, unlike you.”
It’s the first time I’ve actually told Daniel off, and it feels…
good. Strange, maybe a little reckless, even, but good.
Seeing the shock written all over his face and erasing that smug grin of his is so satisfying, and even though he doesn’t deserve any more of my or Sierra’s time, I don’t walk away just yet.
“Oh, dude, she’s feisty,” Jacob says then, smirking at Daniel. I can see Daniel wants to react, but he’s still not completely recovered, so I get there first.
“You’re a real prick, Daniel, but you already know that, don’t you?
” I ask without giving him the room to answer.
For once, it’s my time to talk and his time to listen.
“I think that, under your whole careless facade, you’re aware of how annoying and cruel you really are.
The only reason people tolerate it is because we’re young and you happen to be conventionally attractive.
They all think your future is promising, that you’re going to go far, but you know you won’t, and the fact of that is killing you.
You’re completely aware high school and, with some luck, college will be your biggest days, because afterward your charms won’t work anymore.
That realization has rotted your soul, hasn’t it?
I suggest that, instead of making other people’s lives as miserable as your future will likely be, you try to find a way to prove me wrong.
” I can practically feel the fire blazing in my eyes as I look at him for one last second before turning around and leaving him there, stunned.
As the anger slowly fades away, though, I can’t help but concede that what Daniel said holds some truth.
Even though Sierra won’t admit to it right now, I know she cared about this competition most of all.
The whole reason she’s at camp is to prove to her father that she’s serious about this, that she’s actually good at volleyball, and the only way to get through to him seems to be by actually winning.
Something that is now no longer possible. All because I lost this for her.
We could still end up in third place, I tell myself as we wait for our last game to start. We could end up in third place, and that will be enough, and everything will be fine.
But at the end of the day, we lose that last game, too, landing us in fourth place.
“Damn, Ellie!” Noah still yells enthusiastically from the sidelines once our opponents have scored their winning point. I turn to my brother, not daring to look at the disappointment that must be written all over Sierra’s face.
“You really do have a feel for playing beach volleyball! I mean, fourth place? That’s so impressive,” he says. With that goofy smile of his, he bumps his shoulder into Sierra’s. “She got those genes from me, you know.”
“I don’t…I don’t think that’s how it works, Noah,” I remind him, still a bit out of breath from the game.
He rolls his eyes playfully. “That’s not the point, Ellie. But okay, I just wanted to say how proud I—”
“NOAH, YOU ASSHOLE!” Liam’s voice interrupts from a few courts away. We turn to where the sound came from, and we sure aren’t the only ones. Everyone around us looks at Liam, waiting to see what could possibly be going on. “GET OVER HERE! WE HAVE TO PLAY THE FINALE!”
“Oh. The finale. Right. I almost forgot about that,” Noah says to himself. Then he shouts back at Liam, “ON MY WAY!” Before he starts actually running, though, he still shoots one last look at Sierra and me. “Cheer for me?” he asks.
“Always,” I tell him, watching as he makes his way over to Liam. My brother becomes little more than a small, uninteresting dot in the distance, but I still can’t bring myself to look away and face Sierra. Not even to ask if it’s okay for me to go watch Noah’s game.
Luckily, Sierra sees right through me and my anxiety. “Please tell me you don’t actually think I’m mad at you…”
My silence is enough of an answer to her.
She steps into my line of vision, grabbing me by my shoulders and making sure I see the sincerity in her brown eyes when she says, “I’m not upset.”
“Are you sure about that?” I ask, still careful.
“Oh my god, Ellie, yes, I’m sure,” she reassures me.
“I mean, of course it would’ve been nice if we did win, but honestly?
I’m…fine with this. This summer has meant so much more to me than my father’s minute of approval ever could.
” The left side of her mouth ticks upward a little, and it takes everything in me not to full-on stare at her lips.
“Plus, four is my lucky number, you know.”
I laugh, releasing some of the tension in my body. “Right. Well, I’m still sorry for ruining things for you.”
She frowns. “Beach volleyball is a team sport,” she reminds me. “So—what’s that saying?—if we go down, we go down together.”
“I think that’s the most positive you’ve been in your entire life,” I joke, earning me a smirk. I smile, too. “But you’re right. Maybe the real win is the friends we made along the way.”
“Oh, that’s horrible,” Sierra says, visibly cringing at my words. “Never say anything like that again, or I’ll seriously have to end our friendship.”
Heat instantly rises to my cheeks at that word.
If Sierra notices, she doesn’t tease me about it. “Now, are you ready to go cheer on your brother? The finale is him and Liam against Daniel and Jacob, and I’m not going to lie, Ellie—I really want to see Daniel get his ass kicked. Again.”
An unexpected laugh slips past my lips, and instinctively I wrap my arm around Sierra, tugging her in the right direction. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”