Chapter 19 Don’t Do…Whatever the Hell Led to This
The thing about throwing a birthday party in Willowmoor is that, no matter how selective you are with your invitations, there’s always going to be more people showing up than you plan for. I’d heard others claim this, but for some reason I didn’t think the rule would apply to me and Noah.
But as I watch yet another group of people I’ve barely talked to enter, I realize I definitely thought wrong. These people aren’t even trying to pretend like they’re not using our birthday as an excuse to party; they simply walk past me without saying a word.
Noah told me not to pay too much attention to it, but I can’t help watching the door. Constantly. Though there might be another reason for that, too.
There’s still a part of me that’s hopeful Sierra will show up any minute now, saving me from the misery and loneliness I’m feeling at my own party.
Sure, I could talk to Noah for as long as she doesn’t come, but he’s busy spending time with his friends and introducing them to Sloane.
Neither Noah nor Sloane seems to have made a move yet, but it still doesn’t feel right to join in on the conversation while the two of them are making heart eyes at each other.
So I stay close to the door, Nina sticking by my side like she’s been doing for most of the night. In theory, she should be able to put an end to my loneliness as well, but…I don’t know. There’s something about our conversations tonight that simply isn’t working for me.
She rambles on and on about this really cool concert that she went to with her older sister, Samantha, sharing every single detail with me, and I can’t bring myself to care in the way I used to whenever Nina talked about her life.
I can’t help but think that, maybe, it’s because nowadays I’m used to something more than this. Something like how I felt around Sierra. And Veronica. And Yasmeen and Maya. Sloane, my brother, Liam.
I just want that feeling back.
When I was at camp, I thought I had fixed everything that needed to be fixed, but even though I feel like I know more about myself now, I’m stuck in my old life again. My old feelings, my old friends, my old self.
Nina is still talking on and on when the door finally opens once more.
My heart rate picks up as I wait for a face to appear, all the while internally grumbling about how pathetic this is.
And it is. I’ve been standing here for way too long now, my heart sinking every time I realize it’s not Sierra who’s showed up.
But this time, it doesn’t. My breath catches in my throat and I blink again and again before believing my own eyes.
Because right there in the doorway is Sierra Levine. Everything about her is just the same as the last time I saw her—perfect blond ponytail and all.
I would say she lights up the room, that even in the dark I feel her shine, but Sierra is probably too grumpy to qualify for that metaphor. The sight of her does, however, light up a dark space in my heart.
And when she looks right at me, I feel my body move in her direction on its own. Like it’s a reflex, something my brain doesn’t even need to think about.
I almost run right to her, but Nina snaps, “Ellie? What the fuck? Are you even listening to me?” The suddenness of the sound makes me break my eye contact with Sierra, and all my muscles tense as Nina follows my line of sight.
“Huh? What is she doing here? I’ve literally never seen the two of you talk to each other. ”
I hold myself back from saying that I haven’t really spoken to half the people here right now and that a good part of the other half are people I wish I had never spoken to. Like Blake, for example. Or Daniel, even.
“She was at beach volleyball camp, too,” I explain, hating how it makes it sound like Sierra means nothing more to me than someone who was once at the same place at the same time as me. I look down at my feet, nervously adding, “The two of us spent quite some time together, actually.”
“Oh,” Nina says. There’s a slight frown between her brows, as if Sierra and I are an equation she can’t quite solve. Then she clears her throat. “She and I used to be friends, you know. Like, ages ago, and only because we were neighbors who didn’t have anyone else our age to talk to.”
Instantly I think back to the deal I made with Sierra, about how it didn’t make sense to me why she would need me to talk to Nina. At least, not until now.
If Sierra and Nina used to be close, then that must mean Nina is the ex–best friend Sierra once mentioned. Maybe they had some sort of falling-out years ago and now Sierra wants to make it up to the girl she actually has a crush on—the girl who is not me.
God, how could I forget about her obvious crush on my best friend?
Of course Nina and Sierra are meant to be. It’s the way it was always supposed to be, which I should’ve known. That’s how these stories go. I shouldn’t have let myself get so caught up in the idea of Sierra and me when we were doomed from the start. When I’m clearly supposed to end up with Daniel.
Dread fills me to the brim until there’s almost no space left in my lungs for air, but no matter how difficult it gets, I need to breathe. I can’t let my feelings distract me any longer.
As Sierra briefly glances between me and Nina, it hits me. I never actually completed my end of the deal, so now Sierra is here to remind me of it. So I can get Nina to talk to her again and they can fall hopelessly in love.
With each other.
My jealous mind sighs at the thought, and finally my heart sinks again, falling down, down, down until every last trace of the hope I was still holding on to is officially gone.
Still, I swallow my pride and turn back to Nina. “Could you maybe do me a favor?” She gestures for me to go on, so I spit it out: “I need you to talk to Sierra for me. Right now.”
Nina’s frown deepens as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Why would I do that?”
“Just…go talk to her for me, okay?” I plead, knowing I’m not strong enough to explain everything. “Please?”
Nina studies me for a second, then nods, suddenly softening. “Fine. Anything for you.”
See? I tell myself. She is a good friend.
Then Nina enters the crowd, and I watch as she walks up to Sierra. She taps her on the shoulder, says something, then leads her to the kitchen, and as I watch the door fall shut behind Sierra, a realization dawns on me.
Sierra and I are nothing to each other now. Not lovers or exes, not friends, not two people helping each other out. We don’t even qualify as strangers anymore after everything that happened this summer. Just…nothing.
In a matter of seconds, tears press behind my eyes, and though I manage to blink them away at first, my sight slowly gets blurrier. Before I let anyone see me cry, I run up the stairs and to my bedroom. Luckily everyone is too busy partying to really notice me.
But once I open the door to my bedroom, hoping to get some alone time, I see someone else had the same thought.
“Oh my god.” I gasp as a wide-eyed Noah and a blushing Sloane break their kiss—against the wall of my bedroom. “Dude,” I start, “your room is literally five steps away.”
Noah splutters for a few seconds before saying, “I didn’t plan this! I just wanted to show her that old picture of the two of us that I thought was in here, but then I couldn’t find it, and now we’re…well, here.”
I shake my head at him, but still I can’t help the grin that slowly creeps onto my face.
“It’s in the middle drawer of my desk. Thank me later,” I say before I go to close the door, then change my mind.
“I ship this, by the way,” I let the two of them know.
I manage to catch a glimpse of Noah threatening to throw a pillow at me just as I close the door.
Moments later, giggles sound from behind my bedroom door, and I smile.
At least one of us gets to be happy and in love.
When I see Sierra’s face again, she’s pushing herself through the crowd as quickly as possible, eyes pointed at the door and nothing else. I can barely see her expression—and even if I did, I probably wouldn’t be able to read it—but something about the scene sends me into panic mode.
For one simple moment, my jealousy is irrelevant. It doesn’t even matter to me if she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I just need to know if she’s okay.
The door has already fallen shut behind her, but I still attempt to get to it as fast as I can, stepping on a few people’s toes in the process. For once, I don’t even bother apologizing. I’ve just reached the door, hopefully still with time to catch her outside, when Daniel steps in front of me.
“Ellie, hey!” he slurs, a stupid grin on his face as he looks at me. He reeks of alcohol, but the reason I flinch is mostly due to the fact that he put his hand on my shoulder. “I’ve been looking for you. To wish you a happy birthday and all,” he tells me.
Despite myself, I give him a polite smile. “Thank you, Daniel. Can you give me a moment, though?”
Before he can reply, I run outside, looking around in a desperate attempt to find Sierra.
And I do. She’s only just jumped onto her bike.
The light from the lampposts is making her hair golden on this dark night.
I’m about to start running—I don’t care that people are probably looking at me—when Daniel holds me back yet again.
This time he grabs my wrist. I look at him over my shoulder in surprise.
“Ellie,” he says again. “Can we talk, please? It’s really important.”
I want to snap at him, want to tell him to leave me alone even though I know I shouldn’t fight the inevitability of us anymore. When I look around again, Sierra is already gone. Every bit of energy leaves my body, to the point where I don’t even bother fighting free from Daniel’s grip.
He seems to take that as a green light to continue talking. “I’ve been thinking a lot this past week,” he tells me, still not letting go, “and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a total dickhead.” He lets out a short laugh, then turns serious again, gazing into my eyes.
What the…?
“I know you’ve accepted my apology for what I said at the party already, but I need to say sorry again. Because I never should’ve broken up with you in the first place.”
He reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I should lean into it, maybe, but I’m too shocked to move. “I guess what I’m trying to say right now is…Ellie, will you please take me back?”
I blink at him, trying to process what exactly he’s telling me, but before I get to give him an answer, the worst possible thing happens.
All these messy feelings—they come right up, and I can’t hold them back anymore.
So I throw up.
Right on Daniel.
People around us gasp and laugh. I hear a guy say, “I’m guessing that’s a no, dude.” There’s even a flash as someone takes a picture. Luckily I’m already running away by then, hopefully preserving some of my dignity.
I leave Daniel standing there, confused, while I fly up the stairs and into my room. Except for the pillow on the floor, there isn’t a single trace of Sloane or Noah left.
I lock the door behind me. A sob slips past my trembling lips only moments later, tears quickly falling as my heart squeezes and aches and hurts. Before I have to throw up again, I grab my trash can and hold on to it for dear life for the rest of the night.
I hide upstairs throughout the rest of Noah’s and my party, wallowing in self-pity as I think about how I’ve ruined everything. With Sierra. With all the people who saw me break down just now. Hell, even with Daniel, whose opinion I shouldn’t care about yet still do.
Nina sends me a million messages to ask where I am and what’s up with me tonight, but I ignore every single notification that pops up on my phone. At least, I ignore them until right before I go to bed, when my eyes fall on a message that just showed up.
Sierra Levine has left SMASHERS!, it says. That’s all it takes for the world around me to finally come crashing down.