Chapter 20 Never Let Someone Else Ruin Your Life
Apparently, when you cry yourself to sleep, there’s a big chance you’ll not only wake up with swollen eyes but also with literal dried salt sticking to your cheeks. Which is especially fun when the only reason you wake up is because someone decided to video-call you at eight in the morning.
I quickly rub my eyes and adjust my hair so it isn’t too messy, but in all honesty, it’s a lost cause. I take a deep breath and answer Veronica’s call.
Her face appears on my screen, and I’m just about to greet her and ask what’s up when she tells me, “Care to explain yourself?”
I blink in surprise. “Good…morning?” I attempt to say, but it comes out more like a question.
“Oh, don’t look so innocent. I asked you to explain yourself,” she repeats.
Is she…angry? I wonder, but the truth is, I can’t read her face. I decide to go for the safest option and ask, “What happened?”
Immediately she snaps. “Jesus Christ, Eleanore, cut the bullshit because we both know casual small talk is not why I’m calling.”
Right. Definitely angry, I conclude.
Veronica pauses, then adds, “Sierra told me what happened last night, and I would like to give you the chance to tell your side of the story before I actually get mad at you. Because, trust me, this is not even a quarter of how angry I can get.”
I think back to yesterday, to seeing Sierra at the party and feeling hopeful for approximately three seconds before everything fell apart.
To seeing her push through the crowd in hopes of reaching the door as fast as possible.
Then she was gone—so quickly that I couldn’t even look at her face to see if she was worried, upset, or angry.
I’ve been wondering which of the three it could be—and more importantly, why—so much that my head hurts. Though that could also be because I’ve been crying my brains out.
“I genuinely don’t know what you’re talking about, Veronica,” I try, which is the truth, but that only seems to anger her even more.
“Of course you don’t.” She shakes her head in frustration, looking away for a second.
When she turns back to the camera, green eyes intense, she says, “Let me put it simply for you, then. I don’t know what kind of ally you think you are, but you’re doing an awful job at actually caring about people’s feelings.
Even if Sierra does have feelings for you, that doesn’t make it okay for you to make your little friend tell her to stay away from you.
She’s not going to try and fucking turn you. ”
“Wait, what?” I freeze, a thousand questions entering my head at once. What little friend is she talking about? And why would I ever want Sierra to stay away from me?
This doesn’t make any sense, I tell myself before really thinking about Veronica’s words. Slowly, the realization comes. Did Nina actually…? No, she wouldn’t do that. Right?
But as I think about it—about everything—there’s no denying how the puzzle pieces click together perfectly.
“Oh. My. God,” I say after a long silence. “Veronica, I— How could I be so stupid?!”
Veronica looks as confused as I felt only moments ago.
I take a deep breath, holding on to the hope that this is all some big misunderstanding. Carefully, I ask Veronica, “Did Sierra tell you anything else about…about what happened last night? Or even before that?” I ask.
She shakes her head, just like I thought she would, so I blurt it out: “Veronica, I kissed Sierra. At camp. I’m— I think I might be gay?” I add, but again, the uncertainty in my voice makes it sound more like a question.
Veronica frowns, that fiery anger still in her green eyes, but at least she doesn’t snap at me this time. “Then how does that explain that during camp, you used Sierra as some kind of experiment so you could get back with your asshole of an ex-boyfriend?”
I let her words sink in for a second before cursing myself out, too.
No wonder she’s so mad, I think. I’m half surprised she’s even giving me the chance to explain what happened, because this all looks very, very bad for me.
Nina doesn’t even know about our kiss, but if she really told Sierra I wanted to win back Daniel, then Sierra must’ve jumped to the conclusion that I used her.
That all of it was pretend. I wish she hadn’t been able to imagine I could do something so cruel, but I do understand why she believed it.
After all, I was talking to Nina mere moments before the conversation happened, glancing at Sierra in a way that could’ve made me look suspicious.
I don’t think I would believe in the good in me, either.
“Fuck.” I sigh. Then I start at the beginning.
Veronica doesn’t interrupt me as I try to explain everything that happened during the past month.
I tell her about my original plan to win Daniel back, about the deal Sierra and I made, about how I did ask Nina to talk to Sierra last night, and about how Nina must’ve taken that the wrong way.
How she told Sierra to leave me alone based on her homophobic assumptions.
I should have realized, I repeat to myself over and over again. How could I not have realized?
I know I probably already messed some things up with Sierra myself by not having the guts to reach out after camp ended, but at least that was me ruining things for myself.
This is entirely different. This is the person who is supposed to be my best friend going behind my back to be awful in my name.
After I explain what I think happened, Veronica is silent for a few seconds.
A few seconds during which I convince myself that she doesn’t believe me and that both she and Sierra will hate me for the rest of eternity, but then she exhales.
“Oh thank god.” She clears her throat. “I would like to say I never once doubted you, but, well, I’m a pessimist, so…
that would be a big lie. Either way, I’m just glad it’s not actually true, because I am kind of really attached to you already. ”
Normally I would joke that that’s the sweetest thing she’s ever said to me, but I’m a bit preoccupied with trying to come up with a way to fix this mess right now.
“She’s never going to talk to me again now, is she?”
“You don’t know that,” Veronica tells me. It’s surprisingly positive for, well, Veronica. “She is really upset because of what happened, though, but at least she finally got confirmation as to who outed her last year. At least, pretty much.”
I pause, frowning. “Hold on, what?”
“Oh.” She clears her throat. “You didn’t know about that yet?
Well, you see…the reason Sierra wanted you to get Nina to talk to her is because she thought Nina outed her.
They’re neighbors, so Nina must’ve been able to see the pride flag in Sierra’s room and told everyone at school.
Sierra’s been trying to confront her for ages, but she’s been pretty hard to catch in private. ”
My jaw drops at that. For two reasons. First, it maybe shouldn’t come as a big shock after everything, but it’s still hitting hard that the person I considered my best friend would do such a hateful thing.
And second…“I assumed Sierra wanted to talk to Nina because she had a crush on her!” I exclaim.
Veronica flinches. “What? No! Ew! I’m offended on Sierra’s behalf! Nina sounds like the worst!”
“Apparently she is,” I whisper.
We’re both quiet for a second before Veronica asks, “So…are you going to win back your girl now?”
I force the corners of my mouth to lift, but the smile falters with insecurity. “I’m going to try, yeah.”
“Wow.” Veronica studies my face. “You really, really like Sierra, don’t you?”
A blush creeps up my cheeks. “I really, really do.”
Veronica nods, and a few moments later, we say our goodbyes. My screen goes dark again.
I quickly send Sierra a message to ask if we can talk, but I honestly don’t have a lot of faith in her answering me. Tomorrow, however, is the first day of our senior year of high school, and I know exactly what I need to do to show her I’ve learned from my mistakes.
First, though, I need to do the thing I’ve been putting off all summer: get myself to stop caring about what other people think of me. For real this time. No more doing things halfway—I have to choose between trying to please everyone all the time or simply living my own life.
It’s time for me to truly choose the latter.
So, later that day, I do exactly what Noah has recommended I do for the past three years: I make a bonfire and throw my notebook into it.
Turns out he was right. Even if literally burning the notebook feels at least a little dramatic, it helps. As all the rules and lists and every single thing I let myself be held back by in that book goes up in flames, it’s like I can breathe for the first time in a while.
I take a deep breath, letting the air go through my lungs as I relax…and am then launched into a coughing fit.
Okay, maybe this should’ve just stayed a metaphor, I think before I inhale even more smoke.
The point, however, is this: I have to let go of the life I’ve been leading for the past few years. Because as it turns out, I can’t expect to be seen as the perfect, likable girl and be who I want to be.
It’s a choice, and I know exactly what mine is now: I need to find my way back to who I used to be before other people’s opinions got to me.
The enthusiastic girl with the loud laugh who talked everyone’s ears off.
The girl who didn’t care about what people thought of her, who didn’t bear the weight of the world’s judgment on her shoulders just yet.
The girl who actually liked and accepted herself.
It’s weird to admit this after all these years of locking her up somewhere deep inside me, but I think…I think I’ve missed that girl.