Chapter 21 Desperate Times Call for Desperate Presentations
For the first time in the history of Mondays, I’m up before my alarm even goes off, which is a fun way of saying I didn’t sleep at all last night. But hopefully that will all be worth it by the end of this first day of senior year.
Before I can get there, though, I have to survive my confrontation with Nina.
As soon as I enter school grounds, she’s walking up to me, and even though I really do try to give her a hint by going in the opposite direction, she keeps coming until she’s caught up with me.
“Can you believe we’re actually seniors now?
” she starts. Either she’s pretending to not notice me ignoring her or she’s actually oblivious.
“God, I still remember when we came fresh out of middle school. The two of us were such weirdos.” Nina laughs, shaking her head at the mere thought of it. “But look at us now! We made it!”
She studies me then, probably smiling at me expectantly, but I don’t return her eye contact. In fact, I don’t do anything but quicken my pace, jaw set.
Nina makes a surprised sound at that, as if she can’t believe my audacity right now. “Okay, what the hell is up with you, Ellie? First you decide to randomly ghost me after your party, and now this? Is everything okay?” she asks then, and though I promised myself not to, I snap.
“You don’t actually care,” I say, briefly turning toward her.
A frown forms between her brows. “Now where did that come from?”
I cross my arms over my chest, stopping in front of the building where our first class will be starting in a few minutes. The only class I share with Sierra, Noah, Daniel, and Nina today.
“Guess,” I tell her.
“I seriously wouldn’t know!”
I nod, hating myself for being disappointed by her after everything that’s happened. “That really tells me everything I need to know about you. Jeez, Nina, you’re not even willing to admit what you said to Sierra to my face?”
At that, Nina tilts her head slightly. “This is about what I said at the party?” she asks, at which I mumble that “Of course it is.”
“I don’t know if you somehow forgot or something,” she starts, “but you’re the one who asked me to talk to Sierra.”
“To talk, yes! I wasn’t asking you to—I don’t know—protect me from her! She’s not a freaking predator, Nina!”
“Um, that was heavily implied, though. I mean, come on, Ellie, you should’ve seen your face! You looked like you were terrified of her and needed me to save you!”
A bitter laugh escapes me, the sound so unlike me that it shocks me.
“You don’t get to blame me for this. You were the one who jumped to conclusions.
Ones rooted in homophobia, might I add, which you’re not even willing to acknowledge.
So no, I really don’t want to talk to you right now.
Please just…leave me alone from now on, okay? ”
I start to walk away, but she still reaches for my wrist. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re my best friend, Ellie,” she tries one more time.
I take a step away from her. “Not anymore,” I say, and it seems like the school bell loves a little drama, because it chooses this exact moment to ring. “See you around, Nina,” I tell her, and then, just like that, I’m gone, finally on my way to a whole new chapter.
We’re almost done with our first period of senior year when Mrs. Ahern finally puts me out of my misery.
“Now, as you all probably know, there’s a little tradition here at Willowmoor High,” she says, earning a few groans already, but I straighten my back.
“Throughout your senior year, each of you will be expected to give a presentation in which you reintroduce yourself. I know most of you have been sharing classes with each other for years now, so it might seem a little strange to you, but it’s a tradition for a reason.
“At the end of last year, you watched The Breakfast Club together. Does anyone remember what the central questions and themes were in that movie?”
It takes a few seconds for someone to raise their hand, but it’s Noah who eventually helps out by saying, “The main characters are asked to write an essay about who they think they are, but instead of giving the answers that people expect from them, they refuse to be reduced to the boxes they’ve been forced into. They write their own stories.”
Our English teacher smiles at him. “Exactly, Mr. Young. You’ve all changed so much since you first met, and yet you still see each other as the people you were at the start of your high school careers.
With this presentation, we hope to give you the chance to show everyone who you are when there are no consequences, judgments, or expectations weighing you down.
It’s time for all of you to step outside of the boxes you were put in.
Just like they did in The Breakfast Club. ”
Then Mrs. Ahern gets off her chair, making my heart rate spike even higher. “Normally, the first reintroduction wouldn’t be until next week, but we have a very enthusiastic volunteer who would like to present today.” Finally, her eyes land on me. “The floor is yours, Ms. Young,” she lets me know.
There are murmurs all around me as I get off my chair. “What is she doing?” I hear someone say from behind me, but I don’t turn around, instead trying to breathe evenly while walking to the front of the class. There, I quickly set up my presentation and turn to my fellow students.
Noah is giving me a little thumbs-up, and I find Sierra in the crowd, too, but she’s looking everywhere except at me.
If all goes to plan, that won’t be true anymore by the end of this presentation. So I take a deep breath and begin talking.
“If you ask anyone in this class who Eleanore Young is, I’m sure they’d be able to give you a clear answer,” I start, scanning the familiar faces sitting in front of me.
“She’s that nice girl who almost everyone gets along with.
A dream girl. One you can’t imagine ever hurting somebody, even unintentionally, because she’s far too sunshiny for that. Kind, happy, perfect—that’s Eleanore.
“Now, I probably sound like I think a little too highly of myself, but these are all things that have actually been said about me over and over again, and if we’re being honest…
I’m not exactly proud of any of them,” I admit, earning another few frowns.
“Being the nice girl is always going to be a part of me, I hope, but it also reflects what I’ve been doing for the past three years: living my life for anyone but myself. ”
“What is she even saying?” I hear someone whisper, but I ignore them.
I take a deep breath before pressing a button, making the presentation behind me shatter into a million pieces to show a whole new slide.
“It’s time for me to stop trying to please everyone all the time,” I say.
It’s a little dramatic, I know, but in my defense, it was past 3:00 a.m. when I decided to add this transition, so I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly anymore.
“So who am I really, then, you might ask?” I continue, trying not to think about the way their faces will change once I get to the heart of this presentation.
“The truth is, before this summer, I didn’t know who I was, either, so all this is still very new to me, too.
I have so much left to figure out, but thanks to the summer camp I went to last month, I now know more about myself than I ever did before. ”
I quickly glance at Sierra, who’s fidgeting with her pen instead of paying attention to me.
I swallow, then force myself to smile through my nerves.
“At this summer camp, I got to know some lovely people who taught me a lot. Like how to love and accept myself and how to really open up to other people and, yes, even how to properly spike. It was a beach volleyball camp, after all.” Nobody laughs at my joke, but still I go on.
“All of this is to say that I’ve discovered parts of myself that I’m now finally ready to share with you.
Because I’m not going back into that box of the Perfectly Nice Girl.
I don’t want to, and honestly, I can’t. Not after this summer.
“So, here’s the truth: I’m Eleanore Young.
I’m seventeen years old and grew up in Willowmoor surrounded by a lot of the same people who are looking at me now, but no one except my brother, Noah, ever really got to know me.
That changes now. In my free time, I like planning every single thing that can be planned, and yes, I’m also kind and supportive and thoughtful, because I know what it’s like to be shut out thanks to the horrors of middle school.
“For the past three years, I had this list of rules that I followed to make sure none of you saw me as less worthy of your respect. To make sure none of you suspected I’m autistic…
which I am. I didn’t want to be shut out again, so changing myself seemed like the safest option.
It probably is the safest option, but I’ve decided it’s time for me to take some risks, like telling you that this summer, while I was at camp, I fell in love with someone.
Someone who’s a girl, to be more specific.
A girl who is so kind and amazing and who makes me feel like the bravest version of myself.
I’m so ridiculously in love with her, and though I hope she feels the same way, even if she doesn’t, I need her to know how much this past summer with her means to me. ”
I swallow down the emotion in my voice, looking around the classroom for a second. I’m answered with lots of blinking, and then…
“Damn! Good job, Daniel! You turned her into a freaking lesbian!” Oliver laughs, this being his only takeaway from all I’ve said so far. As was to be predicted. Mrs. Ahern tries to shush him, but the words have already traveled around the classroom, causing some chuckles.
I feel my body freeze for a second at Oliver’s words, but then I smile, pressing the button again so it shows the next slide of my presentation.
“Don’t give Daniel too much credit, but yes.
This summer, I discovered I’m a lesbian.
I realized it’s something I’ve always been but that I was so scared of everyone’s judgment, I didn’t let anyone know about this part of my identity—not even myself.
“But as you’ve probably guessed by now, I’m done suffocating parts of myself out of fear. I want all of me to be able to breathe, and I sincerely hope that you’ll let me.” I look some more people in the eye, including Nina. She looks like she’s seen a ghost, her tanned skin suddenly very pale.
I resist giving her a bitter smile and instead continue with “So that’s me.
Eleanore Young. If you now find yourself thinking, Wow, I actually don’t know anything about this girl, then you’d be one hundred percent correct.
But I hope that from now on, you’ll be open to getting to know me.
The real me, not just the one you want to see,” I say. “Thank you for your time.”
For a moment, everything is completely silent as the entire class gapes at me, not knowing what to do. Including Sierra, who has finally stopped pretending not to listen but whose eyes I can’t meet just yet.
“Should we clap?” I hear Michaela whisper to Katie, but before she answers, the bell rings, announcing it’s already time for our next period.
And just like that, I walk out of the classroom, holding my head high because, for once, nothing is weighing me down.