Office Hours
FRANKIE
“I’m here with Daphne Carmichael, one of the biggest upcoming names in pop music— Daphne, it’s your first time at the Grammy awards. How do you feel tonight?”
She looks so different than I remember. Her messy waves are long gone, replaced with sleek and shiny curls that bounce whenever she turns her head. The baby fat has been chipped away, revealing her razor-sharp cheekbones.
“It’s like a dream come true, you know?” She beams. “I’m really grateful to be nominated.”
The one thing that hasn’t changed? The faint white scar above her upper lip, that she got way back when we were playing on a tire swing as kids. It was my fault, and I was so afraid she’d hate me for it, but the second she saw the blood she just broke out laughing.
“Well, you look gorgeous, and congratulations on the album! Not to mention the nomination and new relationship—”
I pick up the remote and turn the TV off.
I can’t torture myself with this anymore.
She’s doing her thing, and as happy as I am for her, there’s an ache in my chest that I can’t get rid of. I want her to succeed, because she deserves it. I just wish I was standing there beside her.
“I need to clear my fucking head.”
I make my way upstairs, stepping into mom’s room to check on her before anything else.
Thankfully, she’s asleep. Her ALS has progressed to the point where she needs to be moved a few times a night.
Usually, she’ll wake me up with a buzzer, like the kind they have in hospitals.
I’ve got a whole setup in my room so that I’m available whenever she needs me.
I check her breathing and temperature, making sure everything’s where it should be.
It is.
I stroke her hair, and give her a kiss on the forehead, but she doesn’t stir. She’s on what the doctors call ‘comfort medication’, which is a small dose of morphine and ativan. It exhausts her more than anything else, and she sleeps a lot more than she used to.
“I’m going out on my bike.” Another kiss. “I’ll be back soon to turn you over, okay?”
I head to my room to grab my motorcycle helmet and jacket.
I open the door.
The sound of sirens is so loud it brings me to my knees.
The light is blinding.
“His BP’s dropping!”
I’m on the ground.
I can taste the blood in my mouth.
“Frankie.”
I jolt up off my office couch, sweat coating my face.
“Son of a bitch.”
I check my phone. It’s been 45 minutes since I told myself I was going to ‘rest my eyes’ in between student appointments, but of course I got dragged into that same fucking nightmare I’ve been having all week.
It’s always nearly identical, never about the accident itself, just the lead up.
It’s like groundhog day: no matter what I do, the sequence of events never changes.
My phone buzzes on the little table beside me. Daphne and Violet are in Seattle picking out some paint and bar stools with Audrey’s help. I’m not expecting them back until later.
I take a deep breath, blinking away what’s left of my exhaustion, and snatch it up.
The notification nearly stops my heart.
FROM: JANIS KANEKO
SUBJECT: Welcome Aboard!
Hi, Frankie!
I got your manuscript from Phoebe and I have to say, I’m hooked. It’s off the beaten path (pun fucking intended), and it’s exactly what I’m looking for in a nonfiction submission. The chapter about you taking your mom to the beach to see the sunset had me in tears.
Anyway, I’d really love to work together. I’m in Japan visiting some family right now, but let’s chat more when I get back in September. I’ll have my assistant send you my calendar.
Janis Kaneko
Publisher & Founder
Kaneko Publishing House
“Holy shit!”
I jump up off the couch and immediately start pacing around the room. What do I say to her? Do I play it cool? Would it be better to seem enthusiastic? My hands are shaking so much I can’t even hit the reply button.
“I need to calm down.”
I don’t need to answer her right away. I can be casual about this.
I take a screenshot of the email and fire it off to Logan. He was the one who was pushing me to write this thing in the first place, after all.
ME
Check it out. EBU’s gonna have TWO bestselling authors.
Three dots pop up almost immediately. The man is always on his phone, even at conferences, although I’m pretty sure he’s mostly watching cat videos.
DADDY LONGLEGS
FUCK YEAH, DUDE! THIS IS SO EXCITING! The kink book, right?
ME
Sure is. Thanks for giving me the push I needed to write the damn thing.
DADDY LONGLEGS
Listen, if you ever need someone to talk to about the epic highs and lows of publishing, I’m always here to listen.
ME
Thanks, man. I love you.
DADDY LONGLEGS
Right back at you, dude!
After mom, I made it a point to tell the people in my life that I loved them. No one ever says it enough.
DADDY LONGLEGS
Oh, but hey, now that I’ve got you… what the fuck is this?
He sends me a link to a HotGoss article, and, of course, it’s Daphne and I kissing at Guardian Point. Before I can respond those dots are already back, so I wait for whatever abuse is coming.
DADDY LONGLEGS
YOU’RE MAKING OUT WITH ROMAN’S NUMBER ONE ARTIST ON SPOTIFY?! I want the full story in the group chat immediately, young man. SOURCES. DATES. SCREENSHOTS. We will NOT be letting this historic event pass us by!
I usually keep the chat muted, because in my experience most of what gets posted is just voice notes of Logan singing different songs to the family of raccoons that hang around his back porch.
ME
How about I fill you in when you get back from Baltimore?
DADDY LONGLEGS
Ugh, fine, but at a group dinner so everyone is privy to your scandalous new life.
DADDY LONGLEGS
God, I still have so many questions. When’s the wedding? Will it be televised?
DADDY LONGLEGS
Can I be the minister? I got ordained on the internet. The certificate is in my bag.
ME
Do you have an off switch?
Three loud knocks on my office door nearly make me jump out of my skin, my eyes darting over to the clock on the wall. My office hours ended a bit before I woke up from that terrifying excuse for a nap, but it’s still close enough that I’m on the hook.
I sigh, heading toward the door.
“Hey, sorry, I fell asleep, and— Oh… hey, dude.”
Jay clears his throat, shifting awkwardly. He’s got his backpack slung over his shoulder and his eyes are rimmed red.
“You good?”
“Pipes and I had a fight, so I’ve just been wandering around campus for a bit. Saw your light was on from the window, and I just wanted to ask… I was wondering if I could stay at your place tonight?”
Well, this is awkward.
“Um, maybe? I’ll have to text Daphne to check and see if— See, we’re going out later, and—”
“Oh, no! That’s okay, I can just ask Abi. Don’t worry about it man.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I usher him inside. “You’re always welcome, Jay. It’s just, Daphne’s kid’s gonna be there, so I gotta double check if it’s cool.”
“I can babysit!” He offers, flopping down onto the couch. “I don’t mean to brag, but I have a 15-year-old sister, and she thinks I’m dope.”
I make my way over to the coffee maker and pour myself a fresh cup. He’s trying to compensate with that shiny disposition, but I can see the pain behind his smile.
“You want in on this?”
“That’d be great, thanks. Barely fuckin’ slept.”
I pour him an extra large cup, adding some creamer and a single sugar to it— his exact order at Déjà Brew.
“So, what’d you two fight about?”
Jay sighs, taking the coffee with a grateful nod.
“It’s my fault. Piper’s stressed about passing her defense because she only gets one more try or she’s out of the program. It doesn’t help that we’ve been snapping at each other all week about other stupid shit, and well, I guess stuff just… exploded.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
Jay lets out another long sigh.
“I had the volume up on the TV too loud when I was playing games, and she asked me to turn it down. I said I would, and then… I forgot. Few minutes later she came out of our room and tore me a new asshole. Said I didn’t respect her.
” He shakes his head. “I got pisssed and snapped back… Anyway, we both went to bed angry, and when I woke up, she’d already gone to the gym.
Then there was nothing until about half an hour ago when I got a text asking me if I could find somewhere else to sleep tonight, and that we could talk in the morning.
At first I thought she meant the couch, but… ”
I blow out a breath.
“It’s sounding like maybe she didn’t want to see you for the rest of the day.”
Jay shoots me a finger gun.
“You got it.”
“Been there,” I sigh.
I’ve been in exactly two serious relationships in my life, they both lasted about a year, and they both exploded the same way.
“I feel fucking terrible,” he murmurs.
“If you don’t mind me asking, how long has this been going on? Because it sounded pretty tense when you called her about the glue the other day.”
Sure, I don’t have much experience in the relationship department, but I know what two people who have a hard time communicating sound like. I can thank my parents’ divorce for that, I guess.
“It’s off and on. I don’t know… maybe it’s the pressure of all the work we have to do.
” Jay runs his hand through his hair, looking even more tired all of the sudden.
“We don’t spend a lot of time together these days, and when we do hang out, it’s like we don’t really know each other anymore, you know? ”
He stares into his coffee mug.
“We moved in together 6 months after we started dating because it felt like it made sense. We were in the same program, we were in love, and now I’m wondering if that was a mistake.”
“Are you still in love?”
“I mean I am.” Nearly all the volume’s dropped from his voice. “I don’t know if she is anymore, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.”