Office Hours #2
I remember how new their relationship was when we first met, full of passion but still in a really fragile state; I was a little worried by how quickly they seemed to be taking things, but I didn’t want to pass judgment.
Some people have an instant connection and stay together for the rest of their lives.
“You think you’ll need longer than a day?” I ask.
“I don’t wanna put you out, and honestly, I don’t like being away from her that long if I can help it.” He clears his throat, trying to smooth out the cracks in his voice. “It’s been so weird lately, my mind’s been… wandering.”
My ears prick up at the weight he puts on that last word. Jay’s in recovery, and has been since his sophomore year of college. He had knee surgery and got a little too familiar with painkillers, a story I know all too well.
“Are you having cravings?”
When I first met him, I thought he was this golden boy who’d had everything figured out. Turns out he was a former athlete, scholarships and all, with an injury that ruined everything. Luckily he was smart, too, and managed to pivot into academia.
But there’s always a cost.
“Let’s just say I’m really hanging on to that 9 year chip with an iron grip,” Jay mutters, taking another sip of his coffee.
“I know you know this, but change can trigger relapse, especially when you’re afraid it’s going to be something life-altering. Your brain runs back to old coping mechanisms to try and protect you.”
“Even if those mechanisms could kill you,” he sighs. “I don’t know, man. I just— I love her so much, and I can’t picture life without her. But I don’t know how much longer we can do this before something gives.”
One night, we wound up at the same NA meeting and now he shoots me a text whenever he’s having a rough day. I’ve sort of become his sponsor over the years. I don’t really know if I’m the most qualified person to be giving relationship advice considering my history, but…
“Have you ever considered counseling?”
“Not really. I don’t know, maybe it’s a good idea to sit down and just hash shit out, because lately it’s just been… existing together. And I’m just as guilty as she is because some nights, I’m so fucking tired, it’s hard to show up as a partner. Or as a human being.”
The longer you’re in it, the more clear it becomes: academia demands everything from you.
Late nights, long hours, financial strain, mental health issues, the list goes on and on.
But then you find out getting the degree is just the first step in a long line of uphill battles.
After that, you have to fight for the postgrad spot, the part-time teaching position, the tenure track job, publishing opportunities…
it starts to feel like an endless slog just to pad your resumé.
“What about taking a break?” I ask. “A year off, maybe? Go traveling together?”
Jay shakes his head.
“Everything’s tied up in school and scholarships and shit.
And I think if I suggested taking a break to Pipes this late in, she’d kill me.
She’s obsessed with passing this defense.
It’s like the only thing she thinks about.
But, I dunno. I figure once she gets over that hurdle, we’ll be okay again. ”
The old me would have tiptoed around this, distracted him by shifting the conversation, but I’ve seen far too many friends go down this road.
“You know that’s kinda bullshit, right? There’s usually just another mountain behind the first one, and that mountain is—”
“Even bigger.”
His eyes mist with tears, and I can feel my heart ache.
“You know, this is the first time I’ve talked about this out loud.”
“It’s important, dude. First step to creating a healthy relationship.”
“Like you and Daphne?”
“Definitely not the same thing. We’ve got more of a business partnership than a relationship.”
“Yeah? Then how come you’re going on a date tonight?”
A classic Jay tactic: shift the conversation to my trainwreck of a love life, so he feels a little better about his own.
“I said we were going out later, I never said anything about a date.”
“Maybe not, but those big blue eyes give you away every time.”
My mom used to tell me the same thing when I’d try to lie to her.
You’ve got an honest face, and that’s not always a good thing, baby.
That woman never missed a damn thing, and I’m a little surprised to find out Jay’s just as perceptive. I know he won’t stop until he gets a slice of the truth that he’s happy with, but I have to be careful here.
“Okay,” I sigh. “Can I level with you? Since we’re sharing things this afternoon?”
“Hell yeah brother, level me up.”
“Okay, so yes. We’re going for dinner. The people at HotGoss keep saying we’re dating, so we’re giving them what they want. That means if you’re gonna be staying at my place, you’ll be locked down with the rugrat— Shit, wait a second…”
I whip out my phone.
ME
My buddy Jay had a fight with this girlfriend. I know Violet was cool with being by herself tonight, but do you think she’d mind having company? He’s really fun, and he’s great with kids.
I watch as those three dots pop up, and hold my breath until her response comes through. I don’t even know what I’d say if someone proposed leaving my kid with a stranger, so I’m not quite sure what to expect.
DAPHNE
Her Majesty requests a council with her advisors regarding this guest.
“Are you texting her?” Jay asks, leaning over my shoulder.
“Dude! Personal space!”
“You need glasses, old man, I could see that shit from across your office. You got the font cranked up to like 200 on that thing?”
I turn my back, doing my best to keep him from seeing how much I have to squint to make out Daphne’s text.
“Glasses are for people who can’t see, and I promise you my eyes work great.”
ME
Her Majesty’s council is ready for a meeting. What doth Her Majesty request?
DAPHNE
She wishes to know the name of our esteemed guest.
ME
Ser Jay, of Queens.
DAPHNE
Splendid. Her Majesty would like to know if Ser Jay would consent to a night of sushi and horror movies.
“Jay, you like horror movies, right?”
“Depends. Zombies kinda freak me out.”
ME
Ser Jay loves sushi, but petitions for zombie-free entertainment.
DAPHNE
Hmm. This will require a brief sidebar. Please hold, your call is very important to our castle.
There’s something about playing around with her like this that rekindles my memories. So many instances of me, up well past my bed time, illuminated by the glow of my computer while Daphne and I riffed off of each other. I’d always have to stifle my laughter so I wouldn’t wake up my mom.
DAPHNE
Her Majesty accepts. Tonight, there will be vampires.