Chapter 23
Smokehouse
I scrubbed a hand over my face as I walked outside the school. My brothers were waiting for me in the small parking lot off to the side. The smile disappeared off Ricochet’s face when he saw me.
“What just happened?”
“What’d ya mean?” I snapped, glaring at him. “Nothing happened.”
“Something definitely happened,” Hellfire argued.
“If anyone understands that look on your face, it’s me,” Ricochet said. “Misery has been my constant companion for far too long not to recognize it in others.”
I considered deflecting, changing the topic, anything to get them off my back, but…
I was floundering. Over the last couple weeks my attraction to Dani had only been increasing.
Seeing her with my brothers’ kids was making me excited to meet my own.
Knowing that no matter what, my child was going to have an amazing mother was softening the lump of coal in my chest that used to be my heart.
Everything she did drew me to her. And I was fucking petrified that she was going to gut me on her way out. How did you explain such vulnerable shit to someone else? Without looking like a total pussy? Who was afraid of a woman leaving them?
“Smoke, what the fuck?” Hellfire grunted.
A lady walking by on the sidewalk gasped and looked over our way before hurrying on. We ignored her theatrics. Normally we’d have fun with the pearl-clutchers. Another giveaway that I wasn’t my normal self.
“Is there a fucking thing about me that you don’t know?” Ricochet asked. “The two of you have seen me at my absolute worst. Talked me from death’s door more than once. Whatever you’ve got to confess can’t be as bad, right?”
“If you can’t tell us, who can you tell?” Hellfire urged.
They were right. This wasn’t the same as all the shit Ricochet had gone through.
This was easy by comparison, but that was the thing.
This wasn’t easy for me. I’d locked away a part of myself that I’d never planned on releasing again.
Dani was slowly eroding the defenses I’d erected.
It was too much, too fast, and I’d ended up hurting her because I didn’t know how to move forward with her.
“I keep holding Dani at arm’s length because women leave me.” They were silent as they absorbed my admission. “We…messed around a little yesterday.”
“How much?” Hell asked. For once there wasn’t a twinkle in his eye. He wasn’t joking. He just wanted to know how far gone I was.
“Would have gone all the way but got interrupted.”
“Is she just a quick fuck?” Ricochet asked in a tone that was meant to get a rise out of me. It worked.
Turning on him, I raised my hand and drilled my finger into his chest. “That’s the mother of my child. Have a little fucking respect.”
Ricochet rubbed the spot I’d jabbed and grinned. “Well, that answers that question far better than you ever could have. You like her.”
“Fuck off,” I muttered. I moved away from them, needing a minute to pull myself together. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“You’re falling in love with her,” Hellfire said as they caught up with me.
We sat down on a few benches that were situated under a grove of trees not far away. I leaned my head back, staring up at the branches. It was easier than meeting the knowing eyes of my friends.
“That’s fucking stupid. I don’t even know her.”
Hellfire sighed, the sound heavy and exasperated. “You took her home and slept with her.”
“I do that with damn near any woman,” I pointed out, lifting my head.
“Used to,” Ricochet clarified.
Grimacing, I shrugged my shoulders. “We made a deal. Neither of us would see anyone else during this process. That way we could get to know each other without distractions.”
“And when have you ever done something like that for a woman?” Hell asked.
“For Rachel.”
“The woman you proposed to. Who you were set to marry and spend your life with,” he said. There was a smug look on his face that I wanted to erase with my fist.
“The woman who walked out on me because I couldn’t give her what she needed.”
“She sounded like a cunt who couldn’t be satisfied,” Ricochet interjected. “The point he’s making is every action you’ve taken since you found out Dani was pregnant has been one of a man in love with a woman.”
I didn’t tell them that I’d tried to find her before she came to me that evening at the clubhouse. Even before I knew she was carrying my baby, I’d been interested.
“Why not give her a shot?” Hell asked. “She’s already tied to you for life. She’s smart, sweet as all get out, and gorgeous.”
“Don’t,” I growled at him, irritated that he was commenting on her looks.
Hell being who he was just piled on harder. “Fuck, who knows. If you decide you don’t want her, maybe I’ll start dating her. Make her my old lady. Then I’ll raise your kid and they’ll call me Dad. She, of course, will call me Daddy.”
My hands were balled into fists and despite the goofy ass grin on Hell’s face, I wanted to launch myself at him and beat the shit out of him.
“Quit fucking with him, Hell,” Ricochet said with a laugh. “He looks like he wants to rip your balls off.”
“Only further proves my point,” Hell replied, back to looking smug again.
“You two are assholes,” I told them.
“True, but we care enough to try to remove the head you’ve lodged firmly up your ass,” Ricochet answered.
“Look. Sorry, I won’t talk about your old lady that way anymore.
” Hellfire ignored the dark look I shot his way.
“I’m about to say some shit that none of us are going to like.
Too fucking bad. It needs to be said.” He scratched his beard, refusing to look me in the eye any longer. “You’re worthy of love.”
Jesus fucking Christ. Now I was looking anywhere but at my friends, desperately wishing I could just leave. But I needed their damn help because I was screwing this up on my own. “You don’t say that to another man, Hell,” I muttered.
“Normally you shouldn’t have to,” Ricochet agreed.
A quick glance showed that his gaze was locked firmly on his boots.
Anyone looking at us from a distance would think we had the most interesting boots on the planet.
“We don’t like this anymore than you do, but he’s right.
You think, because your mother and your ex left you, that you’re not deserving of love.
That any woman who comes into your life will inevitably leave you. ”
“I have the proof.”
“No, what you have is two selfish bitches who were the ones who didn’t deserve you. Not the other way around,” Hell snapped.
“You’ve gone out of your way to make sure you never let anyone get close again,” Ricochet added. “Until now. You need to think about what it is that makes Dani different.”
“We’re only together because of an accident,” I said with a shake of my head. “Next thing I know you two will be spouting off about fate and shit like that. I don’t have the patience for witchcraft and voodoo.”
“An accident,” Ricochet echoed, his tone flat. “Really?”
The exaggerated doubt in the word had my head snapping up. “What the fuck are you saying?”
“Just that we’ve never known you to forget a condom,” Hellfire answered for him. “Of all the women you’ve brought home, you’ve never been that careless. You might be so drunk you can’t spell your name, but your muscle memory can put a condom on any time.”
My chest tightened and I glared at them, trying to keep a hold on my blistering temper. “You saying I fucking did this shit on purpose?”
“Not necessarily,” Ricochet said.
“Not on purpose,” Hellfire admitted. “But maybe somewhere deep down you were hoping for a way to stay in Dani’s life. Maybe that hope was enough to make you get a little careless in your drunken state.”
“That’s fucked up!” I shouted at him. Looking around, I was relieved to see the grounds empty. Everyone was inside. I didn’t want to cause trouble at Dani’s place of work. “I wouldn’t do that to her. It was a fucking accident.”
“Okay, so it was,” Hellfire said in agreement. “But it still has the same results. This is your fucking opportunity to find something you’ve been unwilling to let yourself look for. Don’t fuck it up.” He gave me a look of disgust and shoved off the bench, heading for his bike.
“What the fuck is his problem?” I asked. They sucked at pep talks because I was in an even worse mood now than when we started.
“He’s got his own shit going on,” Ricochet admitted.
I watched my friend walk away, his shoulders so tense it looked like he was going to split his cut down the back. “What shit?”
“Not my secret to tell. It’s not easy for either of us to see you so close to finding the woman who will fill all the holes in your life, only to watch you walk away.” He stood up and looked unsure of who to follow. Hell was already roaring away on his bike.
“Go after him,” I urged. “I need some time alone.”
Ricochet left without another word and I thought about what they’d said. Somewhere deep inside of me there was a glimmer of hope that maybe they were right. Maybe Mom and Rachel leaving had less to do with me and was more about their own problems.
I sat in the shade for a while until finally standing. Sitting here stewing wasn’t working for me. I needed to clear my head and there was only one thing that did that for me.
Straddling my bike, I headed back into the city.
I didn’t take the turn onto I-10 that would bring me back to the clubhouse.
The last thing I needed right now was more people trying to fix my fucked up love life.
I’d successfully managed to keep the remnants of hurt under wraps for the majority of my life.
All it had taken was isolating myself from women who tried to get too close.
Usually the types of women I messed around with weren’t looking for anything serious, or so they told themselves, so it’d been easy to walk away from them.