Chapter Thirty-Two
Sabrina.
“I think I’m pregnant.”
Damon’s silver eyes go wide at the confession I’ve just blurted out into the open.
He hurries to close the door behind me and makes a motion for us to sit opposite each other in the small study he’s been using, apparently doing his usual sessions across the pond via tele.
“Sabrina, when you said you wanted to talk this early, I thought you meant about… everything else. This…”
“Well, you’re a doctor, aren’t you? Psychiatry and internal medicine?”
“Yes,” he sighs with a nod. “Have a seat and tell me your symptoms.”
“Alright, well, every day I threw up when I was at the estate. Morning, noon, night. I couldn’t hold anything down.
And my period was supposed to come ten days ago but, well, it’s been ten days, Damon.
I’ve only been late once in my life. And I was pregnant then.
” He opens his mouth, but I shake my head.
“It was Kane’s. I terminated the pregnancy. As soon as I knew.”
He nods once in understanding, no judgement in his gaze or his face. “Are you currently on birth control?”
“I am. But, there’s always that three percent chance, and I’m at my three-year mark. I should be getting it exchanged soon. Actually, I was supposed to have it removed before… well…” I trail off.
“I see.” He thrums his fingers against the arm of the winged-back chair and sighs.
“I’m not sure the physician is still here nor that he would have a pregnancy test available.
Let me… let me call him.” He gets up and goes to the small desk that holds his laptop, grabbing his phone and making a call.
He doesn’t avoid making eye contact with me necessarily, but he is looking at every corner as he speaks to the physician.
“Yes, thank you. I’ll step out.” Twin silver flames shoot to me as he shoves his phone into his pocket.
“He’s just outside. Luckily, he has a few in his case he uses to verify women in certain…
traumatic situations aren’t pregnant in case he has to use strong painkillers. So, I’ll be right back.”
He leaves me alone for the next ten minutes or so and comes back with a small package and a small cup. “Right in there.” He points to the bathroom as if I didn’t spend entire summer holidays in this home.
I stare at the cup in my hands and look back up at him.
“It’s um… you pee in the cup.”
“Right.” I nod, then retreat into the bathroom and open the package. “Why’s this got a dropper?” I ask through the door, holding up the little plastic torpedo. “Aren’t I just supposed to whiz on the stick?”
“You’ll… pee in the cup and use the dropper to—”
“Got it!” I interrupt him, slightly mortified.
With a sigh, I wiggle my wool leggings down, use the cup to catch my pee, set it on the counter, finish my business, wash my hands, and…
do the thing. I watch the urine race to the little strip inside.
With a sharp inhale, I dump the contents out in the toilet, throw the entire cup away as well as the packaging, and wash my hands again.
I lean with my back against the wall and try to count to a hundred and eighty seconds.
My leg bounces with nerves at the possibility I may have a little Maksim in my belly.
Is it time?
Are we ready for this?
I just got him back.
Does it make me a bad mother that I wanted to enjoy my partners just a teensy bit longer before bringing a child into this world? I still need to finish medical school. Would I have time to be a mother? Oh my god… I’m going to be a mother. A little sprout of happiness begins to spread.
A slight knock interrupts my spiraling thoughts— “Sabrina?”
“Ehrm, yes?”
“You don’t have to be alone, you know?”
I open the door and Damon joins me in the small bathroom.
Then, because I want to vomit… I grab his hand.
Damon squeezes mine, and we wait together, looking as though we’re simply at a stoplight, waiting for the crosswalk to turn green so we can cross the street.
It makes me feel like I'm five years old again and Mum’s walking me to primary.
For a second, I can almost feel Charlie’s grasp on my empty hand.
I close my eyes and let my dead brother breathe through me, feeling tranquil for the first time in what feels like ages.
You’re going to be an uncle, Charlie. They’re going to know all about you…
“It’s time.”
Silver eyes clash with mine in the reflection of the mirror above the sink. I give Damon a curt nod, and he picks up the test. “Negative,” he says in a voice so soft, but it feels as though it’s reverberated and broken into a million pieces around me.
No baby.
“Damon—” I choke on a sob, and before I can break, before I can lose it from a broken heart, he catches me.
“I got you,” he hushes, petting my hair.
We stand like that for a few abnormal heartbeats. I clutch around his torso, and he simply lets me cry. Suddenly I start to laugh and let go of him, stepping away to get some toilet tissue to blow and wipe my nose. “I’m sorry. I’m being absurd.”
“Sabrina…” He turns us and leads us to the sofa where he has us sit. “Have you thrown up today?”
I shake my head, leaning forward and resting my elbows on my knees. “No, I haven’t.”
“How have you felt being here again with both partners under the same roof?”
“Exhausted. Like my entire being could slip into hibernation.”
“But your vomiting grew worse when you were with Kane?”
My stomach flips at the mention of his name. “Yes.”
He puts a hand on my forearm. “I think these were manifestations of psychosomatic symptoms. You’ve been under an unreal amount of stress these past few weeks, putting yourself in situations that are completely out of your normal, and let’s not forget, you had that anal pore of a human touching you.
” I giggle at his insult. “You were trying to bottle everything up inside, making you sick. Not getting your period can also be the cause of stress. And I’ve seen you rage vomit quite a few times these past few months.
But what I think we need to talk about was your reaction to the negative test results. ”
I use one arm to wrap around my middle. “Because while I was trapped in that hell house, I imagined all kinds of futures to keep myself from not just breaking but completely dissolving. Because I wasn’t sure if I was getting my husband back, and then I found him, and then he was taken away again, and I feel like I’ve gone topsy-turvy.
He’s with me, but he’s not with me. He feels far away even when he’s right there.
” I point to the ceiling, where Maksim is currently located—still in bed with Parker.
“I know he’s only been back for two days, and we’re set to leave tomorrow night, but…
he feels out of sorts, and I don't know how to save him this time. What kind of wife am I if he can’t talk to me?
And what kind of wife am I that I want to fix it with sex? ”
“Trauma can be… tricky. Everyone heals differently, and hypersexuality is a complex trauma response. It’s a way for you to be able to regain or manage your control over your fears or to simply cope.
” Damon sighs that Damon sigh that ends with a bit of a frustrated groan, “Can I… reassure you he’s waiting on your back to heal before he—and I’m paraphrasing here—fucks you so deeply you both forget your names? ”
I let out a soft laugh. “Actually, yes, that does help a bit.”
Damon flashes me one of those radiant grins of his and pats my forearm.
“When we get back to the States, I’ll make an appointment for you to have some lab work done so we can check your cortisol levels and see what else we need to work on.
For now…” He gets up and goes to the door and opens it and Raven steps past the threshold. “Maybe you should have some girl time.”
She practically skips to me and sits beside me. Her dark curls are so long they reach past her boobs. Her… very large breasts. I have to tear my eyes away from them.
“Oh, Damon, before you leave?”
“Yes?”
“You’re very good at what you do, you know? Sneaking that bit in there and having me talk? Good on you, Doctor. The best.”
He gives me a cheeky smile and leaves us alone.
“Did you get a boob job while I was gone?” I reach out and lift her breasts, letting them drop.
“It’s not a push-up bra. I…” I look at her breasts sitting atop her small, rounded stomach.
I stand up then sit back down again, hands on my thighs, a bit aghast. “You’ve…
” I blink back the happy tears that well into my eyes, but they fall anyway. “Oh, Raven, you've made me an auntie.”
Her hands lift between us. Are you okay with this? Me coming here? I wasn’t sure, but Damon said you would need me, and I came as fast as I could. I just don’t want this to be uncomfortable for you.
My mind flits back to a memory that feels like it happened lifetimes ago.
When we stood together on a crowded street in New York.
Dreams can change. I think… I think a part of me really wants to be a mom.
I can’t believe I'm saying this, but I want a big family.
I want… I want everything that was almost taken away from me.