Chapter 17 #2
“Luckily for us both, they already love you, so maybe they’ll get over that?”
“You don’t sound sure.”
“No, I’m not. That’s the messy part. The living-life part. You took a risk going to London, and you found a life and success.”
“It wasn’t all a success.” He sounded sad and a little obdurate. I pushed back, hoping to convince him that we were worth fighting for.
“Yes! But that’s all part of it. You took a risk, and you found a great company to work for, and good friends, and a shitty husband.
But then you came home, and your best friends from way back when reached out to you.
” I looked at him then, brave enough to call him out on one part of his story.
“Even though you basically ghosted them for years on end. They care about you, Randall, and you deserve to be cared for.” The next words came out before I could stop them.
Only, I really didn’t want to stop them. I knew how I felt.
“I want to care for you too.”
“Austin, I just don’t know.”
We were quiet, holding hands and watching the distance between us and my parents fade away with each passing highway marker.
I didn’t want to cause Randall any more stress, and I feared that pushing him would have him reverting to the man who thought he was going to live his life alone in a remote mountain cabin, his only friends over three thousand miles away, his family nonexistent.
Whether it was with me or someone else, I wanted Randall to have more than that, so I had to give him the one thing I possibly could.
I had to give him back his best friends from college.
I put my hand back on the wheel, not sure I could say what I had to say next if I was touching him.
“I don’t want to keep secrets from my family, Randall, but everyone comes out in their own time.
Let’s put the brakes on whatever this is, like we said yesterday, get through the holidays, see how it goes.
Then we can talk about …” I couldn’t bring myself to say us out of fear that there wasn’t going to be an us.
“It was serendipitous that we met, Randall. I truly believe that. But I can’t force you to believe it too.”
“How can I possibly believe it? You have your whole life ahead of you. Every choice in the world.”
Part of me wanted to convince him that I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t push. He wasn’t ready, and I knew that logically, he was right. I mean, we’d only known each other for a few days. It was crazy that I was so sure. I didn’t want to scare him away, so I simply agreed with him, basically.
“You’re right, Randall. I do have lots of choices, but so do you. Which means you and I have all the time in the world to figure this out. We don’t have to do it this week, under my parents’ noses.”
He let out a sigh that lasted so long I worried for his oxygen intake. He fiddled with the phone in his hand, and I could tell he was looking down at it even as I kept my eyes on the road. “I think that would be for the best,” he finally agreed.
I wished it could be different, but I didn’t want him to be upset.
“Yeah, of course, it is. This week is about you and Mom and Dad catching up.” It was time to lighten the mood. “I’m looking forward to lots of embarrassing stories about the three of you.”
“Really, we mostly just …” I was quick to interrupt him.
“Any talk of watching The X-Files is absolutely forbidden from here on out.” I leaned my head toward him, keeping my eyes on the road. “That can be your Christmas present to me.”
I’d finally gotten a laugh out of him. I reached out again and squeezed his leg. “Why don’t you get back to those emails. I’m just gonna sing along with Mariah for a bit, and we’ll be there before you know it.”
We were there before we knew it, some quiet time while he worked morphing into random discussions about our favorite things.
We tried to “out nerd” each other with book, movie, and TV references.
Finding out just how much we had in common wasn’t making it any easier to think about putting the brakes on our burgeoning feelings.
My heart was pounding as we pulled into the driveway.
If I wanted to see Randall again, I couldn’t mess up our week at home with my parents.
I had to rein in those feelings, watch how I looked at him and how I behaved around him.
It was like the driveway was a microscope that we were suddenly under, and every feeling I had toward him was visible motion surrounding me.
If I wasn’t careful, Mom and Dad were going to see right through me.
“Here we are,” I said unnecessarily as Randall looked up from his phone while I pulled in behind my dad’s Jeep and put the car in park.
We let out matching sighs, both of us looking at the house, lit up with tiny white lights that lined the roof and candles in each window.
An evergreen wreath, decorated with gold bows and garland and festooned with seashells and sand dollars, contrasted with the maroon door.
A Christmas tree was visible through the bay windows, lit up with matching white lights.
“Here we are,” he agreed.
Energy filled the car, pulling me toward him.
I resisted by leaning on the car door. “I just have to say, Randall … If I don’t say this, I don’t know how I’ll be able to get through this week.
I just need you to know that every moment that I’m not looking at you and not laughing at your jokes, every moment that I’m not seeking you out and not spending time with you, please know that that’s all I want to be doing.
I won’t mess this week up. But I need you to know that it will take every fiber of my being to make sure that doesn’t happen. ”
“Austin. I …”
“Come on, babe. Babe, babe, babe.” He looked at me like I’d lost my mind.
“There! Now that’s out of my system, Randy.”
He managed a laugh. “Please don’t call me that.”
“Yes, yup. Definitely not. Never again.”
“Thank you, sweetheart,” he mumbled as he got out of the car. I was opening my door when he leaned back in. “And thank you for promising to avoid me like the plague because I’m not sure I have the strength.”
“Sure you do! We got this!” I felt like a cheerleader.
He was much more practical, dare I say much more mature, as he reasoned, “I guess. Just remember, we spent two days holed up together; it’s natural that we’ve gotten to know each other. That we’ve become friends, even.”
“Friends.” I nodded with a smile, and he smiled back while our eyes collected up all that visceral passion and fired it back and forth between us like Superman’s laser-beam eyes.
My geeky Clark Kent and I were so fucked.