1. One
ONE
STELLA
I took another sip of my drink, cringing at the bitter taste. My boyfriend, Reed, made this hot chocolate, and like most of the things he concocted, it was disgusting.
It was possible that the only ingredients were water and cocoa powder since he didn’t believe in using sugar.
I stood in the corner of his high-rise apartment, wearing heels that dug into my feet. Reed asked me to dress up for this in the same muted colors he’d been begging me to wear since last year. This time it was a mauve that high-school me wouldn’t have been caught dead in.
He’d told me it was because there would be a lot of photos, and it was best not to outshine his mother, Patricia, who was in a tight, candy-red dress. But I wouldn’t be in the photos, considering I was also the photographer of the evening.
I didn’t think I would celebrate Christmas with his family by working, but they insisted I take their portraits. Instead of mingling, I’d been running around getting shots of everyone.
Reed said it was because I was good at my job, but I knew it was because he wanted me to be busy. Last Christmas, I’d been too boisterous after having spiked hot chocolate. Patricia still referred to me as the girl with the guffaw.
After that, I learned to stay quiet. But doing so burned me in a way I wasn’t used to. There was a quiet resentment at Reed and Patricia that I couldn’t fight. And it was getting harder to ignore.
Winnie told me I shouldn’t have to change at all. I wanted to agree with her, but after a line of men telling me they either didn’t feel a spark or that I wasn’t their type, landing Reed felt like a win. He was my first serious adult relationship. I wanted this to work.
So here I was, in a mauve dress, keeping my mouth shut.
I fucking hated it.
I felt as bitter as the hot chocolate in my hand, but today, I had to put on a brave face since all of his family was here. This was the one night they were in the city before they went to the Florida Keys for Christmas. Reed invited me on the trip, but I turned him down, knowing I couldn’t be away from my family for the holiday.
He’d planned this party instead. It said a lot that I was hoping that he would tell me he was going to the Keys instead of staying with me in town .
If he did, I didn’t have to bring him to my own family’s holiday party. He’d only met them once, and it was at Christmas last year. If anyone in my circle saw what I was wearing, they’d do the dumping for me.
I knew what was happening here. This relationship, like all of my others, wouldn’t work. I’d have to break it to him soon.
Maybe I should say it was the hot chocolate. The abysmal drink was enough to break anyone up.
I checked my watch. If he didn’t say he was going with his family, maybe I would tell him tonight that he should go to the Keys and I’d stay here.
I’d pack up my stuff and be gone by the time he got back.
“There you are!” Reed’s sister, Lacy, said, popping up in front of me with a smile on her face. “I’ve been looking for you.”
“Looking for me? Really?” I asked. Lacy rarely talked to me and chose to whisper in the corner with Patricia at every family gathering.
“Yes, duh. I need to do a gender reveal soon and you’re my favorite photographer.” She ran a hand over her rounded stomach.
That was when it hit me. Lacy wasn’t here to be nice. She was here because she wanted something from me.
“Um, I’m not sure if a family dinner is the place to network.”
“You’re working anyway.” She laughed as if this were something I wanted to do. “Besides, I have the best idea. A baseball reveal at a local park.”
“Which one?”
“Redstone Falls south of Nashville.”
Nope. That was not my territory.
“I don’t work there.”
“Why not?” she pouted.
“One of the park rangers and I don’t get along.”
That was the understatement of the decade.
Lacy opened her mouth to argue, but thankfully, Reed tapped on his champagne glass—the universal signal for speeches. He did this at every party. I didn’t know why, but I was starting to think he just liked the sound of his own voice.
At least this time, it saved me from talking further with his sister.
I listened to him drone on about how it had been such a good year for him and how he’d made so many great memories. I snapped a few photos of everyone looking at him like he was the sun itself.
Even though I was starting to hate him, I at least knew what moments to capture.
“Now,” Reed said, “I’d like to invite my lovely girlfriend, Stella, to join me.”
My blood turned to ice. I did not want to be in front of these people. Absolutely not. “I’m good right here.”
Reed waved his arm.
“Come on!” his brother, Chad, yelled. “Don’t tell me the girl who did drunk karaoke last year now has stage fright!”
I gritted my teeth. The karaoke was what caused the guffaw that his mom still complained about.
“My girlfriend’s not shy,” Reed said with an easygoing smile. “Come on, dear. Get out here.”
“We’re wasting time,” Patricia groaned before she turned to me. “Don’t be difficult about this.”
He wouldn’t let this go. None of them would. Taking a shaky breath, I made the painful steps over to him.
Gazing at his pretty face, I could see why I liked him two years ago. I’d met him at a client wedding where I’d been running around with my camera in hand, making everyone smile.
“I’ll take this,” Chad said, reaching for the same camera slung around my neck.
“No, thank you. I’ll keep it.”
“But it’ll ruin the?—”
“Stella,” Patricia snapped. “Give him the camera.”
I glared at them both. “Why can’t I keep it?”
“Why do you need to?” she hissed.
My lips pressed together. “This thing is my whole career. I’m not taking it off.”
Patricia could have sprained her neck from how hard she rolled her eyes.
I knew the only way to end this argument was to give in. I tamped down the flare of annoyance and handed my camera to Chad. “Fine. ”
Reed put up his hands in mock innocence. “I promise you’ll get it right back.”
My wardrobe and my laugh were also a part of who I was, yet they were forced into a box, locked up, and the keys thrown away.
God, I had terrible taste in men.
“I can’t believe we’ve been together for two years,” he said, using his speech voice again. He looked around the crowd as if he had forgotten who he was speaking to. “She truly is the light of my life, and I have a surprise for her.” He handed off his glass to his brother who had been waiting. He fumbled around in his pocket.
“Wait, what’re you doing?” Anxiety rose in me. No. He couldn’t be?—
But he was. Reed grabbed a box out of his pocket and got down on one knee. He opened it, revealing the most basic ring I’d ever seen.
Oh. My. God.
Was he really doing this in front of his family? Now?
My breath came out in stutters, panic clawing its way up my throat. My eyes dragged over the people in front of us. Chad was yawning. Patricia glared daggers at me, as she always did whenever she was reminded that I’d stolen her baby boy.
And he wanted me to marry into this?
Winnie would laugh in his face. Nick would tell him off for his shit communication. And I?
I could only take one step back. Then two.
And before I knew it, I was running out the door, down the hallway, to the elevators, and out onto the street.
Bursting from the building, I realized I didn’t have a coat or keys. I was lucky enough to have a phone, so I pulled it out, trying to think of who to call.
Winnie was at work and my parents were at a different party tonight.
That left one person, one who I knew would come with no delay.
My brother.
In the last seven years, Nick had grown. Gone was the boy who challenged our parents and did what he wanted. Nowadays, he was dependable with a good job and a good apartment.
He apparently still didn’t go the speed limit, though, because he arrived in five minutes flat.
“What the fuck happened?” he asked the second he saw me sitting on the side of the road at night in the middle of winter with no coat.
My panic kept me from feeling the cold. The whole time I waited, I was terrified that Reed might come downstairs after me, but he didn’t.
He did, however, send a single text.
Reed
You should have said no to my face. I hope you find peace, Stella.
It made me sick. Of course he’d look like the better person. Of course he’d tell me to find peace when he’d put me on the spot like that. We had never once discussed marriage and this was brought up out of nowhere.
The only thing we talked about was how to get me to be better for him.
“Laugh quieter, Stella.”
“Wear this color.”
“Can you be normal for a bit?”
It was always me .
“Reed proposed,” I muttered. “It was a surprise.”
“And I’m guessing you said no?”
“I didn’t say anything. I ran.”
“Bold answer.”
“And here I am in the ugliest dress I’ve ever seen, and now I’m single on the weekend before Christmas. Do you know how sad this is?”
“It’s pretty sad. Especially the dress. You look like you got the life sucked out of you.”
“Thanks for your comfort, Nick.” I shook my head. My eyes were watering. Old me would have either gone back up there to give him a piece of my mind or found a nearby bar to wash away my sorrows in.
“Do you want to stay with me?” he asked. “My guest room is open. ”
“Yes,” I breathed out. “Thank you for coming to get me.”
“I’ll always take care of you,” he said. “Especially when you finally break up with your boyfriend.”
“Finally? You wanted this to happen?”
He shrugged. “He was weird at the holiday party last year, and you seemed so ... quiet. It’s not like you.”
I let out a long sigh and added Nick to the people who saw that Reed was wrong for me before I had truly accepted it. Winnie had been the first to raise the red flag after the guffaw incident. Our grandmother, who we lovingly called Amma, never bothered to remember his name in the first place.
“I should have dumped him sooner.”
“Sometimes it takes us all a while to see reason. You’ll find someone better.”
“Will I? It feels like I’ve only had duds ever since high school.”
Nick rubbed the back of his neck. “There’s definitely at least one man who can handle you.”
“Is that supposed to be comforting?”
“I’m trying,” he said. “But I feel a little weird giving my sister advice on guys.”
“I don’t need advice,” I grumbled. “I think I’m done with them for a bit.”
“You are?”
“Yes,” I said, standing. “Now, can we get out of here? I’m freezing. ”
“Get in the car and wait,” he instructed. “I’ll need your keys.”
“I didn’t grab them on my way out.” I paused. “Wait, why do you need them? You’re not about to go up there and yell at Reed, are you?”
“You need a bag, don’t you?”
My cheeks heated, the only warmth I could find in this cold weather. “You can go up there. The door shouldn’t be locked. But be careful. The Wicked Witch of the West is in there.”
“I’ll survive.”
“Don’t get arrested,” I said with a sigh. “That’s my only request.”
He nodded and opened the door to his car for me.
I wasted no time in climbing into the warm embrace of his vehicle. He disappeared quickly and I was left staring into the cold night. Ten minutes later, he had a bag of my stuff.
“Thank you,” I said once he’d thrown it in the back seat.
“I had no clue what was all yours. I just dumped colorful stuff in here. I figured it’s more your taste than ...” He gestured to my dress. “Reed said he would gather the rest.”
“Is that all he said?”
“That’s all he said.”
“And what did you say?”
“I told him a little communication would work in his next relationship. And not putting people on the spot. ”
My jaw dropped. “You didn’t.”
“I did. No one messes with my sister.”
A warm feeling separate from the heated car wormed its way into my chest. In all the misery that had been that relationship, at least I still had people in my corner.
As we pulled away from the curb, a thought hit me.
“Alden isn’t coming over, right?”
Alden and I hadn’t talked since he turned me down. Even his name felt foreign in my mouth. He’d treated me like I was a dirty sock after he’d been inside of me, and I refused to forgive something like that. I knew some guys loved to take women’s virginity, but I didn’t think he was one of them.
Right after it happened, Nick told me it was for the best and that I deserved better. I did deserve better, but I’d always wondered what went wrong.
Nick shook his head. “No, he’s busy with the park planning for this snowstorm coming in.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, a snowstorm. Like Nashville ever gets any of those.”
Still, it was cold. Now that the adrenaline was fading, I was realizing how cold I’d actually gotten.
A shiver hit me. I turned to my bag in the back. I was looking for a jacket but came up empty.
“Um, Nick? Did you forget to grab me a jacket?”
“Was there one in your drawers?”
“No. Why would I put a jacket in a drawer?”
“I don’t know. I only had a few minutes before I lost it listening to that asshole’s mom complain about you. ”
“I fucking hate her.”
“You won’t freeze. I have an extra jacket at my place you can borrow.”
He turned up the heat as I crossed my arms. “Reed’ll probably leave for the Keys with his family tonight, and I’ll get my car and other stuff tomorrow. Maybe the next day to be sure he’s gone.”
“I’ll go with you,” he said. “If this snowstorm doesn’t get us all stuck for a week straight.”
I shook my head. “Don’t tell me you believe in this stupid thing.”
“Amma says this is gonna be a big one.”
“Amma wants the snow of her youth,” I said. “People always make a big deal of weather and it never turns out to be anything.”
“She’s really thinking it’ll be serious this time. She even wanted my help clearing her porch.”
That made me pause. “She asked for help?”
It wasn’t like Amma to ask for anything, even though she probably should have assistance in her older age.
“Yeah, but I can’t. I have work, and then I need to go get your stuff.”
“Why didn’t you ask me?”
“I was going to, but you called to ask me to come get you.”
“I’ll go ... but can you drop me off before work?”
“Of course I can.”
“And pick me up? ”
“Yep.” He glanced over at me with a smile. “How much is it killing you to have to ask for so much?”
“A six out of ten. I’m still feeling too miserable for my pride to stop me.”
“You’re not having any feelings of rage or anything?”
“No.”
The car lapsed into silence and I glanced over to see his lips were pursed. “You know you’re not going to be miserable for long, right?”
“No, I don’t know that. For one thing, I might stay single forever at this rate.”
“We’ll see about that.”
“Want to place a bet?”
Nick always loved putting money on odds—no matter how much they were out of his favor.
But he shook his head. “No, I’ve got enough bets going on right now.”
“Enough bets? What kind are you in on?”
“I’ll tell you after the snowstorm.”
“I hope you didn’t put your money on us getting snow.”
“No. I put it on something much more fun.”
I didn’t sleep well that night. I dreamed of all the things I could have said to Reed and woke up with a miserable feeling of regret that I’d said nothing .
When I got up and looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize myself. Sure, I was in my own clothes, but the frown etched on my lips wasn’t my usual, and my silence felt wrong.
Sure, I wasn’t Winnie. I wasn’t a powerhouse of a woman who created her own company from the ground up. But I was more vocal than this .
I’d gone after Alden Canes for crying out loud, and it worked . I got my RA to approve a roommate change request so I could room with Winnie when my first one talked shit about me behind my back. I’d opened my own business, worked with some of the worst bridezillas, and held my own .
I wasn’t a runner until I met Reed. But now I didn’t know how to stop.
When I left the room, I planned to brew a cup of coffee and research ways to overcome a breakup. The emptiness I felt couldn’t be normal.
However, I didn’t get very far because the kitchen was covered with white.
I blinked, unable to comprehend what was happening in front of me. There was flour on everything as Nick attempted to stir something in a bowl. He was the only thing more coated than the countertops.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m trying to make you breakfast to cheer you up, but I don’t fucking know how to cook. You got all those genes, apparently.”
“What were you trying to make?”
“Cinnamon rolls, but then I realized that’s way out of my skill set. Then I tried pancakes, but that’s also too hard for me. Want to show me how it’s done?”
Usually, that would be no problem. I loved cooking just as much as I loved eating and photography. But this new version of me hated the thought of trying to make anything. I could still hear Reed’s condescending voice telling me all the ways what I put into my food would send me to an early grave.
“I haven’t cooked in a year.”
Nick blinked. “What?”
“Reed didn’t like how I did it. He said it was unhealthy.”
He frowned. “Who cares if it’s?—”
I held up a hand. “Can we not? I’m already feeling bad enough about the last two years. I’d rather go to McDonald’s and then to Amma’s. Is that okay?”
I would still hear how bad fast food was for me, but at least I could ignore it by eating it before I could convince myself to go for something else that I wouldn’t like.
Silence stretched between us and I begged Nick to listen. I hadn’t cried in front of him since those kids in middle school took my pants in the gym and made fun of how I looked. I wasn’t about to break that record now.
“Yeah. Of course. I’ll get you whatever you want.”
“Thanks. I’ll go get dressed.”
I walked back to the guest room without another word. When I shut the door, the now-familiar feeling of misery grew .
How much had I given up for Reed? How much of myself was gone now?
Rummaging through my bag, I saw all the colors I used to wear, but I felt nothing about them. I hadn’t for a while. I threw on the first thing I saw and then went to the bathroom to freshen up. Once I was done, Nick was waiting by the door.
“I could kick his ass, you know,” he said as I walked out of the room.
“Whose?”
“Reed’s. Who else would I be mad at?”
“You have a list of people you don’t like.”
“Reed is at the top.”
“Maybe I’ll feel better after food.” Doubtful, but worth the shot.
“What about a huge sweet tea too?”
“That might help.” I gave him a half smile, which made him perk up.
I was glad he didn’t know it was all I could manage.
The second we pulled into Amma’s long, winding driveway, the plume of smoke coming from her chimney was visible.
“Good,” I said. “She’s got her stove going. It’s so fucking cold.”
The black puffer jacket Nick had given me the night before was warm, but I only had a sweater underneath it. If I had my usual closet, I would have layered more. The next-to-zero temperature was the kind of cold Tennessee wasn’t used to. We had mild winters with random cold snaps, but it still only got below freezing at night more often than not. Now, it was twelve degrees.
“Before you go in—” Nick reached into the back and pulled out a black duffel. “—I got you this while you were showering.”
“A bag? Why?”
“In case it really does snow and you get trapped here.”
I rolled my eyes. “I won’t?—”
“Stella, do it for my sake. It could snow, and out here in the country, it might be worse.”
His voice was firm, which was unusual for him. While I knew there was no way it would happen like the weather people predicted, the worry in his eyes was obvious.
“Fine.” I took the bag from his outstretched hand. “But I’m telling you. We aren’t getting that much snow.”
“We could make a bet?” he asked.
“I thought you already had one.”
“This one is different. It won’t involve money.”
“Then what are the stakes?”
“Pride.”
I didn’t have much of that right now, but Nick’s worried glances on the way over told me I needed to pretend that I was okay.
“I’ll take those odds. If I win, I’ll never let you live it down that you were wrong. ”
“More like I’ll never let you live it down.”
I got out of his warm car into the bitter elements. “Bye!” I called as I shut the door.
The wind blew right through my coat as I ran into Amma’s house. Her wooden porch creaked under my feet in a familiar way as I got to the old screen door.
Nick and I spent a lot of time here as kids in the summers when Mom and Dad didn’t have childcare. Amma was Mom’s mom, and had had a heavy hand in raising us all.
We both had good memories here. Amma always ensured we had fun, whether chasing the neighbor’s chickens or jumping into the lake half a mile from her house.
Walking into her small log farmhouse felt like a warm hug I desperately needed. It was a simple abode with a meager living room adorned with an ancient woodburning stove, keeping the house warm in the cooler months. Behind it was the kitchen, and two bedrooms sat on the left side.
Most of the curtains on the windows were closed, giving it a cozy, darkened feel. The air smelled like the burning wood in the stove, coupled with the warm scent of cinnamon.
“Amma!” I called when I got inside. “I’m here to help you clean off your porch!”
“I’m back in the kitchen,” she replied. I shrugged off my coat and went in search of her.
I nearly had a heart attack when I found her balancing on a ladder, looking at something above the cabinets.
“Oh my God,” I hissed. “What are you doing up there?”
“Dusting,” she said. “It gets so bad up here over time.”
“Dusting? Before a snowstorm?”
“Well, I cleaned the insides of the windows and figured, why not do up here? I don’t have the time to clean in the spring. I’m too busy in the garden.”
“I’ll finish it,” I said. “Just get down.”
“You worry too much, Stella. I’m fine.”
“You asked for help with clearing the porch,” I said. “So you know you can’t do it all.”
“Maybe I invited someone because I wanted the company.” She turned to me with a raised eyebrow. “Ever think of that?”
“Is this your way of deflecting?”
“I’ll never admit my secrets.” She finished dusting as I hovered underneath her in case she fell. “There! All done. Now you don’t have to worry.”
She hopped down as if it were nothing.
If I reached her age, I hoped I had her nimble nature. Reed had met her once and gave me a long lecture on all the lifestyle changes I would need to make in order to turn out like she did. I hadn’t told anyone until Winnie caught me looking up yoga—something I’d never once had an interest in.
The thought of my now ex made my eyes hit the floor. It wasn’t that I missed him. It was that I regretted wasting so much time on him.
“Why do you look so sad?” Amma asked. “That’s no way for my favorite granddaughter to look.”
“I’m your only granddaughter. And it’s nothing.”
“Come on.” She grabbed my hand. “Tell me.”
With the warmth of her hand in mine, it gave me enough bravery to take a breath before answering. “Reed and I broke up.”
“Reed?” she asked. For a second, she said nothing. Her lips only twisted as she considered the name.
I sighed. “My boyfriend.”
“Oh. The skinny one, right? The one at the last Christmas party?”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t like him too much.”
“I didn’t either in the end, but it’s still two years of my life wasted.”
“It was that long?”
“Yes. Everyone knew he wasn’t right, but”—I gave a pitiful shrug—“he was my first long relationship.”
“We all have our failures in love. I’ve told you stories of my first husband.”
“The one who joined the circus?”
“No, that was the second.” She shook her head and then smiled. “See? Even I met a few duds. What was the final straw?”
“He proposed.”
“What? Had you even discussed marriage? ”
“Nope. Not at all. I was about to dump him, actually. He bought the ring without even consulting me.”
Amma shook her head. “Every woman should pick her own ring, or at least have a say. The proposal is the surprise.”
“Well, it was certainly surprising. Like a horror movie one.”
“I’m sorry, Stella. But not entirely sorry. Rather, I’m hopeful for this new phase of your life.”
“My single era?”
“If that’s what you choose to be. Knowing you, I bet you’ll find someone fast.”
“Have you met me?”
“I have. You’re an amazing young woman. When did you start believing otherwise?”
“It started when his mom made fun of my laugh.”
Amma’s jaw dropped. “How dare she. You have a beautiful laugh.”
“Thanks,” I said despite my doubt. “It’s nice to be with family for a while.”
She gave me a warm smile. “As much as I’d love to shower you with more compliments, we do have things to do to prepare for the storm.”
“Yeah. Big storm.”
“Oh, it will be. I can feel it in my bones.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her it would pass over us like most other winter storms. See, Tennessee didn’t do this. Sure, we had some snow some years, but it always missed or ended up being less than the weather person forecasted.
“Let’s get started then,” I said. “What do you want moved?”
“The rocking chairs should go in the shed. I don’t want any snow on them.”
I nodded and put my coat back on before heading outside.
Amma’s rocking chairs were solid wood, and moving them proved problematic since the shed was downhill. I couldn’t pick them up, so I awkwardly pulled them along. The ill-fitting coat was a hindrance and I wished it wasn’t freezing so I could rip it off.
It took me far longer than I wanted to get the two chairs down to the shed and even longer to find space for them. I wound up having to shuffle boxes to make it work.
I was grumbling about how much junk Amma had as I made my way up the hill to her house and to the front door.
But when I reached the top of the hill, I saw a different car had pulled in next to Amma’s.
And it was an old, red truck.
The exact one I lost my virginity in.