Chapter 15
ELI
“You’re acting really strange today,” Ava says from behind me. We’re cuddling on the couch with a movie on in the background that I’m not really paying attention to.
Naturally, I’m the little spoon with Ava lying behind me. She pinches a tender spot on my belly when I don’t respond, which causes me to tumble off the edge of the couch and land on the carpet.
“What the heck was that for?” I ask, shooting her a glare. Ava smiles down at me, her head held up by her hand. She’s the type to change her pajamas every day, and the set she’s wearing today has little Christmas cookies printed on them. Somehow, she even makes wearing food look elegant.
“What’s going on with you today?” she repeats, not even bothering to acknowledge my lashing out. “You actually seem to be getting along with Nathan today, and that’s not like you at all.”
“I’m just trying to keep the peace in the family. Have you ever thought about that?” I mutter, but I can’t look at her. I glance toward the kitchen, where the other four are playing an after-dinner round of poker. Ava and I weren’t interested and came to rest in the living room instead.
As if sensing my eyes on him, Nathan glances over too. Our eyes meet, and he smirks. My gaze flicks to the space between his legs. I try to hide the heat on my face with my bangs, but they’re only so long.
Nathan’s not the one acting any differently. I am. He’s still disgustingly nice to everyone, always offering his help or participating in a lighthearted chat with one of my sisters.
He’s acting the same, but I’m taking his actions at face value now instead of always thinking he’s conspiring something. It’s not hard to see why people tend to gravitate towards him. He’s kind—and maybe that stemmed from his desire to want to fit in—but either way, it’s working.
He’s nice to me too, maybe even more so than usual…and I don’t hate it. I especially don’t hate when our hands brush during board games, or the moments our eyes catch and he smiles like we’re sharing a secret together.
All this means is that my heart’s been going haywire together. My sister is right. There is something wrong with me.
“Hmm, there’s definitely something off about you.” I hear Ava say from above me on the couch. Her timing is impeccable as always, like she can hear my thoughts. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she told me she actually had mind-reading abilities.
I still can’t face her. I push myself to stand instead.
“While you dwell in your delusions, I’m going to shower,” I tell her, then quickly escape upstairs. A nice, hot shower will do me some good right now. Maybe it’ll finally wake me up and knock some sense into me.
I didn’t go out of my way to ignore him, just like he’d asked.
But what the hell am I doing listening to Nathan just because he told me to?
He did give me the best fucking blow job of my life last night as repayment.
Who am I kidding? It was the first and only blowjob of my life, so of course it’s the best I’ve had.
I stubbornly tell myself that’s the only reason I came so hard. It’s only because it’s something new, and definitely not because Nathan was the one giving it to me.
Speaking of…why was he so good at giving blowjobs anyway? Don’t tell me he’s into men? But that can’t be. He laughed when his friends were making fun of me. Don’t tell me he likes men now.
And if not, then why the hell are we doing this? What am I? Some kind of experiment to him?
I angrily scrub at my belly, refusing to think about his cum splattered there last night.
The thought of being anyone’s experiment pisses me off, much less Nathan’s.
And while I have no clue why I’m doing this either, being angry at Nathan is so much easier than doing some introspection. So I really lean into it.
I worked myself up so much that I’m fuming by the time I get out of the shower. Nathan spots me when I head downstairs and shoots me a dimpled smile. I return it with a seething glare that catches him off guard, but he recovers quickly, probably used to my prickly attitude.
I go back to ignoring him for the rest of the night. I catch Ava watching me and Nathan. I can see she suspects something, but I ignore it.
Ignoring problems will make them go away, right? It’s worked for me so far. I’ve always ignored Nathan, and that worked for years. Maybe I should go back to doing that.
My stomach churns at the thought of going back to being virtual strangers with him, but I turn that energy into anger.
I’m so in my emotions that I’m barely listening to Mom give out tasks for us for tomorrow’s big Christmas meal.
She usually takes care of the main dishes, while leaving the side dishes to the rest of us.
Instead of agonizing over buying gifts for everyone, Mom says cooking together as a family to prepare a nice meal to share with our loved ones is the best gift of all.
Everyone heads to bed not long after, since a lot of cooking needs to be done tomorrow. I follow them upstairs and go down the long hallway to my bedroom.
I wouldn’t have fallen asleep this early on a good day, but there’s no way I’m sleeping now. Not when I’m still stewing over Nathan and the reasons behind his actions.
I sit on the edge of my bed, leg bouncing, waiting for the seconds to tick by as I glare at the door. I’m unaware of how much time passes, but my thigh is sore. I stand, and that’s when I hear the soft knock at my door.
I’m opening it seconds later and quickly pull Nathan inside before closing and locking it behind us.
“No need to rush. I’m not going anywhere,” Nathan teases. His hair is still damp, like he’s just gotten out of the shower.
I snort, because he was so concerned about me not drying my hair properly, and yet here he is doing the same thing.
“Did something happen after dinner? Why did you start ignoring me again?” he asks softly. He cups my cheek, and I resist the urge to lean into his touch. I will not be tempted.
“Are you into men?” I ask a little too harshly.
“What?” he replies, obviously taken aback.
So I repeat it for him, emphasizing each word. “Are. You. Into. Men?”
It’s clear I’ve left him speechless. His mouth is agape, and for the first time since knowing him, I’ve managed to shut him up.
I don’t feel smug or happy about this. There’s just a deep void from his lack of answer.
“So what? This is all just an experiment to you? You’re bi-curious and decided to use me to test your theory?”
I hate the way my voice cracks. Saying the words out loud hurt a lot more than I wanted to admit. I can’t look at him, so I face the floor instead.
“No! I’m not using you. God, Eli, how could you ever think that?” Nathan says frantically. Then, in a near whisper, he adds, “You’re not an experiment. I’m doing this because I want to.”
That makes me look at him. “But why?”
I point the question at him, but honestly, it could have been aimed toward me as well. I have no clue why I’m doing this, and heaven knows why I’m going along with this at all, but I am. Maybe I can find an answer to my own strange behavior if I can hear his first?
Nathan swipes a hand over his face before pointing those blue eyes at me. His next words almost make me lose my center of gravity.
“I think I’ve been attracted to you since the first time I met you.”
“WHAT?” The words slip out in a shriek.
Nathan quickly covers my mouth with his hand and presses a finger against his lips to tell me to keep silent.
We listen to the sounds inside the cabin.
I jump when I hear something rattle, and I fall against Nathan’s chest. It’s only when I realize it’s the wind hitting against my window that I try to pull myself straight again, but Nathan doesn’t release me.
“Stay like this for a second,” he says softly. He’s holding me with my head against his chest. In this position, I can hear how fast his heart is pounding. It’s going almost as fast as mine.
We stay like that for a few minutes, and with each passing second, Nathan’s heartbeat calms until it’s a loud, steady rhythm that pulls me into a calm state.
With no other sounds inside the cabin, I breathe a sigh of relief that my shout didn’t wake anyone in the house.
It’s only then that Nathan releases me, but not completely.
He grabs my hand and pulls me to my bed, where he sits me on the edge, while he kneels between my legs. He doesn’t let go of my hand either.
I’m above him now, in the position of power, yet I can’t stop feeling like he’s the one holding all the power. Like, whatever he says next might shake my entire world.
“I think I first took an interest in you the day our parents introduced us. Do you remember?” he asks.
I nod. “We all had dinner at the big fancy restaurant in town. Mom even made me wear dress pants and everything, but I refused to put on the damn tie.”
Nathan chuckles. “I remember. You were grumbling about how uncomfortable you were in the stuffy clothes and kept tugging at your collar.”
“Well, Mom wanted me to make a good impression,” I mumble.
Mom and Gerald’s relationship had turned serious enough to talk about marriage, and they wanted the families to meet.
Mom wanted us to look our best, so she’d purchased a brand-new suit for me.
That dinner was the only time I’d worn it.
It’s still hanging in my closet somewhere, though it’s probably too small for me to wear now.
“You did make a good impression.” His admission makes my cheeks flush. “You saw me, flashed me your easygoing smile, and acted like we were best friends. Despite it being our first time meeting, you didn’t make it awkward.”
“I really did want to be friends with you when we first met,” I admit. Nathan’s only a year older than me, but he had an air of maturity surrounding him then. He seemed so effortlessly cool that I was excited to get to know him better.
“I really wanted to be your friend too,” he murmurs and lets slip a tiny smile that has my heart racing. “I can’t tell you how excited I was when you asked me to get ice cream with you. I had a lot of fun that day.”
I roll my eyes. “Really? Because I remember dragging you all over the city while it was raining, then having the horrible luck of a giant truck zooming past us and splashing mud all over us.”
He laughs, and I notice the crinkles around his eyes for the first time. He’s shed the last of his youth, and I wonder if that’s because of the stress from his work.
I’ve heard him and Ava talking these past few days, and it seems his boss has put a lot on his plate. I hear he’s even made to work on the weekends. It’s no wonder he looked so tired the day he picked me up.
My hand reaches out to trace the spot beneath his eyes before I can stop myself. Nathan’s quick to place his hand over mine and closes his eyes. At that moment, he looks almost peaceful.
“It was quite the adventure, but it wasn’t bad,” he says with his eyes still shut and his smile wide enough for his dimples to make an appearance now. “It was the first time I’ve hung out with someone like that, without any aim or expectations. Being with you was nice.”
His lids open again. His eyes constrict before focusing on me, and I’m dazzled by those blues. I can barely breathe with how he’s looking at me—so softly and gently.
“I think that’s when my interest started changing from just friends into something that scared me,” he whispers the admission, and I’m left so speechless my hand drops from his face. He’s quick to snatch hold of it again.
“Are you saying you were interested in me in that way?” The question comes out barely audible. I’m unsure if I’m ready to hear the answer.
A slight flush graces Nathan’s face, and it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him look bashful. He shrugs, but he doesn’t deny my words.
“But you laughed. Your friends were making fun of my being gay, and you laughed.”
“I know, and I regretted it as soon as I did,” he says.
I can hear the remorse. His voice is raw and scratchy, holding none of its usual smoothness.
“I think it’s because they hit a sore spot.
I didn’t want to admit I had feelings for a man.
It’s not easy always being the new kid, especially if you’re different. I wanted to fit in.”
I knew they had to move around a lot for his dad’s work. It’s the reason Nathan moved in with us right before school started, so he could have a stable senior year.
I was so used to seeing him surrounded by people that I’ve never considered how hard he must have had it, essentially having to start over every few months. Always being the new kid must have sucked.
“I did shut them down as soon as I came back to my senses, you know,” he says, eyes pleading with me to believe him.
“Yeah, whatever,” I say, but my usual steam isn’t there.
He notices and relaxes a bit. “I did,” he insisted. “I called them out on it and almost bit their heads off for talking about you. It’s part of the reason we’re not friends anymore.”
“I thought it was weird that I never saw them around after that,” I mumble. I thought it was because they drifted apart after he transferred schools.
Nathan shrugs. “They were assholes anyway.” That makes me laugh, and he smiles too. “I’m sorry. I never wanted to make fun of you. I hate that you heard us talking, but I hate it even more that I didn’t shut them down before they could.”
I’d left when I heard Nathan laughing, so I don’t know whether he’s being truthful or not. It really hurt, hearing someone I was getting close to laughing at my expense.
This was before I really explored my sexuality, but I was probably developing a crush on Nathan, too, back then. That’s why, even though it’s probably stupid of me, I want to believe him.