Chapter 29 Joe #2
“But…” Jason shook his head, eyes storming with emotion. “Shouldn’t you be angry with me? I lied. I…I lied. I tricked you. I promised you no more tricks and I still—”
“You know what I thought? When I was sitting in that big ole house, and you picked up the phone?”
“What?” Jason hung on my every word.
“I thought… Thank god. Thank god it was you. Thank god I can understand you better now. Thank god I finally get to see all of you.”
“All of me…?”
“All of you.” I took a breath to gather strength. “I see how you’re the most giving person in the world. See why you’re a secret pessimist. See the reason you don’t understand how great you are, even though you should. I’ve seen the mausoleum you grew up inside and I get it now.”
It was the most eloquent I’d probably ever been.
But I’d been reciting this.
Picking through it.
Sometimes even writing it down—just so I could really figure out what I wanted to say when the time finally came for Jason’s lies to come to light.
“I understood why you lied,” I told him. “The second I saw that place. Understood why you are the way you are. Why you became…this.” My heart tripped over itself. “Guarded.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Jason’s voice was hoarse.
“Was that it?” I asked. “Your secret.”
He wavered.
Now it was my turn to be surprised.
There was more?
How could there be…
“You know…the first time I saw you, it felt like I woke up,” Jason admitted. “I didn’t realize what it was then—that feeling I felt when I saw you. Not till later. Till I had time to pick it apart and run from it.”
My brow furrowed in confusion, my heart skipping a beat.
“I told myself you couldn’t want me. Not really.
I mean…look at me. Even if you forget the lies, and the fact I’m an imposter.
” Jason gestured toward himself. “I’m old.
I’ve got gray in my hair. Eye bags. Pudge on my belly that I never used to have.
Hair where it didn’t grow before.” He laughed. “I’m not…I mean…”
When I opened my mouth to speak, Jason squeezed my hand, silencing me.
“It was easy to hide behind insecurity,” Jason admitted. “Easier than admitting the truth.”
“The truth?”
“That I’m pretty sure we’re soulmates,” Jason whispered. “As silly as that sounds—someone like me, a ‘closet pessimist’ believing in soulmates.” He laughed at himself dryly. “But I…god. Joe. I’ve been in love with you since the moment I set eyes on you.”
My head spun in circles.
Over and over, like the day we’d danced and danced and danced till we were dizzy.
“You…”
So everything he’d done.
He’d done it while he—
“I wasn’t trying to trick you,” Jason whispered. “Wasn’t trying to manipulate you. I just…I just…even though I didn’t understand my feelings—was insecure and…and…sure I didn’t stand a chance, didn’t deserve you—I just wanted to help you.”
He shook his head, almost angrily.
“No. No. That’s…that’s, I mean, not a lie. But…not the full truth either. You wanted the truth?”
“Yes.”
“The truth is I would’ve done anything just for you to look at me. As awful as that sounds.” He laughed again, but this laugh was even more sad than the last. “I’m a bad person, probably. I don’t know if I’m capable of loving you the right way.”
The idea that Jason thought he was a bad person made me laugh.
He startled, eyes snapping to my face, to my mouth, and the smile there. His brows knit together. “What—”
“You’re not a bad person,” I said immediately.
“But I—”
“And if you were? So what?” I twisted to look at him.
“So what?” That was clearly not the response he’d been expecting.
“You’re still the person who shows up for people when they need it.
The person who holds me when I need him to.
Who challenges my perspective. Who listens to me.
Pushes me to grow. Who showed me—despite all his own misgivings—that it was okay to rely on other people. ”
Tears swam in Jason’s eyes.
One dashed down his cheek.
I squeezed his hand tight, and his lips tipped up.
He didn’t reach up to touch the tear, though he did clutch my hand back just as tight. He was staring at me like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He’d given me that look before. More times than I could count.
“I fell in love with you—all of you.” Just getting those words out made me feel free in a way I never had. “You don’t get to pick what parts of you I like. And what you think of yourself, doesn’t change the way I think of you.”
“But—”
“I like that you’re tricky like a fox. I like your pushiness. Your goofiness. I like your gray hair. I like your wrinkles. Your eye bags. The pudge at your belly. When you’re with me…life just feels…it feels good. I feel safe. Appreciated. You make me feel like I can let go. Loving you is easy.”
“Easy?” Jason echoed.
My heart wobbled. I nodded. “And…I don’t know why you think you’re not capable of loving me like I need. Not when that’s what you’ve already been doing the whole damn time.”
Jason stared at me, something devastatingly fragile in his eyes. He closed them for a moment, savoring the words. Outside, the world was devastatingly quiet. When he opened his eyes again, the storm within them had settled.
“You said life is about choices. You said family can be chosen. You taught me that. And Jason…I’m choosing you,” I whispered. “I choose you.”
For a moment we sat in silence. The enormity of what we’d both just admitted settled between us. The heater continued to blast. The windows in my house had filled with silhouettes. My family being nosy, watching us, because we hadn’t left when we were supposed to.
I ignored them.
I unbuckled all the way and leaned over the console to meet Jason’s gaze.
“Do you choose me, too?” I asked.
Jason didn’t hesitate. “Yes.” He closed the distance between us. Didn’t kiss me. Rubbed our noses together, breath mingling, hearts beating as one. “I don’t want to fail you,” he said. “So I won’t.”
There was a surety to his words that I’d never heard before.
“I want to keep loving you, so I will,” he added. “I want to take care of you, so I’m going to.”
Jason was making his choice.
Just like I had.
And it was…god.
It was beautiful.
The most beautiful thing in the world.
Prettier than sunsets, than lost magpies, than the flutter of cardinal wings. Prettier than snow so tall it blocked doorways. Than snow globes, and Christmas lights.
I think…Jason had been waiting, all this time, to realize he wasn’t lost too. That he had control over his own fate. That it was okay to be uncertain. And that happiness was a choice one could make, no matter how late in life they took to make it.