Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
MARCUS
Istare at myself in the mirror, straightening my tie. I’m looking at the version of me that younger Marcus always wanted to be, but now I just feel hollow and fake clean-shaven in my perfectly tailored suit.
Skynet’s annual gala fundraiser is tonight. As a teenager, I longed to attend this event. My parents would leave together, dressed to the nines, and I would imagine what it might be like to attend some sort of fancy prom for grown-ups.
Now that I’m finally going, I’m dreading everything about it.
I’m leaving with my dad’s driver to pick up Sabrina in about ten minutes. The event is a partnership with Fred Hutchinson, which funds cancer research, so at least it’s one of the few things my father’s company has done right over the years.
Despite my outward calmness, my social anxiety is sky high, ricocheting off every raw nerve in my body, and believe me, there’s a lot of raw nerves.
I miss Jeremy.
I miss him so fucking much.
I’ve somehow become even more obsessed with him, if that’s even possible. I think about him all the time: the way he smells, the sound of his voice, the feel of his skin against mine, the way he brushes his hair from his merman eyes.
Just like every morning for the past two weeks, it took monumental effort to get out of bed and take care of myself.
And just like every morning for the past two weeks, I cried. Again. Christmas being only a week away doesn’t help either. Everyone is so fucking cheerful.
Before Jeremy, I could probably count the number of times I’d cried in my life on one hand.
I certainly never cried over any girl I dated.
And the displaced feeling that I felt before I started seeing him has returned a hundredfold since I left.
Without him, I’m untethered, floating through life with monotony. I miss his color.
My phone rings, and I frown when I see John’s number. He mostly texts me and emails, so calling me is a concerning development.
“Yeah?”
“Hey, Marcus. I’m sorry to bother you.” There’s a pregnant pause and then, “I saw your engagement announcement in the business section of The Seattle Times. Are you doing okay?”
“If you’re asking if I’m enjoying all the attention I’m getting, no, I’m not. Thankfully, Sabrina is just as disgusted by the whole thing as I am, so we have each other, I suppose.” I sigh. “Did you really just call to check on me, John?”
“No, I actually have some news.” He clears his throat.
“After combing through all of the physical files your contact gave us, I thought we’d reached a dead end trying to find the names of those two board members.
As I mentioned in my last email, even the actual files had a lot of blacked-out information, just like the electronic ones, but then we found some paperwork for a payment that was made just before they died.
Remember when I told you there was a finance employee who mysteriously disappeared? ”
“Sure.”
“Well, he wrote the name of the property-manager-slash-hitman Ryan used in the memo line and filed it with an old jump drive. I suspect he wanted someone to find this information.”
An overwhelming sense of dread floods my gut, but I push through it. “Well, this is good news, right?”
“Yeah, it could be our smoking gun, Marcus. I’m hoping that the paperwork plus whatever is on the drive is enough to take to the FBI and get Ryan arrested.
The drive is encrypted, so it’ll take Courtney’s team some time to untangle all that.
” He pauses. “Just so you know, so far, there’s really no evidence that your father knew what was going on at the time, but he was certainly part of the meeting before the board members were murdered, so I think we can implicate him as Ryan’s business partner and confidant and use that as blackmail.
” John’s voice grows cold, and I’m reminded of the fact that he and my father have a rocky history.
“If Martin wants to keep Skynet’s reputation from being completely fucked, he’ll have to back off of you, Charlie, and Seb. ”
“Thank you, John. I need to get going, but I appreciate all of this.” I pause and swallow. “It feels like we’re making progress.”
“Of course. Just a little longer, son.”
I hang up, staring down at my phone. I wait for the relief to come, and I hate that the first person I want to call is Jeremy.
I want to tell him what John said: Just a little longer.
I want to try again. I want to tell him that I just wanted to protect him, and breaking his heart was better than seeing him dead. But it’s probably too little, too late.
I leave my condo, walking briskly to the loading zone, where my father’s driver is already waiting. I climb into the car with a heavy heart, and we make our way to Sabrina’s place on Lake Washington. I can barely focus, the road outside a kaleidoscope of bright headlights and suffocating darkness.
Sabrina looks stunning, as always, when she opens the door to the SUV and slides in next to me. Her citrus scent fills the car, and it has a somewhat calming effect. I give her a tight smile and loosen my tie a little, already feeling breathless and a little overwhelmed.
She raises the partition between us and the drive so that we have some privacy, and then turns to me.
“You doing okay, sweetheart?” Her perfectly shaped brows are lowered in concern, and she places a gentle hand on my thigh, which grounds me further as we pull back into traffic and make the drive to the venue in Queen Anne.
I give her a tight nod. “As okay as can be expected.”
She already knows what happened—what I did—and she and Laura were ready with a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream the next day. I fell asleep at their place that night, curled around their very lavish toilet.
Not my finest hour.
I’ve never let myself fall apart like that, but also, nothing has ever hurt this fucking much.
Pretty sure I’m in love with him, and for all our sakes, I wish I weren’t.
I’m so fucking grateful for Sabrina’s friendship right now.
Norah is so far away and, of course, I can’t talk to my siblings about this charade and what’s at stake.
And Tris, well, he’s cordial because we work together, but he firmly took Jeremy’s side in this mess, as he should have. I’m glad Jeremy has Tris and Marion.
I try to even my breaths, easing the panicky feeling fluttering in my chest. “I did get good news from John.” I tell her about our phone call as she absently smooths out the front of her dress while she listens.
“Why don’t you sound happy?”
I shrug. “I guess the end just feels far away.” I move to run a hand through my hair and grimace when I’m met with stiff hair gel. “We still have to figure out what’s on the drive and then hold all the info until spring when you take over for your father.”
She smiles sympathetically. “Do you want some tea? I think it’ll calm your nerves.”
I glance up in confusion. “You have tea?”
She gives me a tolerant smile. “Gossip, sweetie.”
“Oh, right. Sure.”
“My father told me that Ryan has been MIA for a week. Left for his house up north for an undisclosed amount of time. Apparently, he’s dealing with his son.”
“So that means . . .”
She threads our fingers together. “It means that maybe you can relax a little. I’m not saying let your guard down entirely, but it sounds like he has bigger problems right now than following his business partner’s son around.
” Her eyes are sad. “Maybe you could go see Jeremy. Explain what happened at the very least.”
I sit back, her words giving me pause, but I shake my head. “Maybe. But Ryan could still have someone else doing his dirty work for him.”
Sabrina shrugs. “I’m just saying, it sounds like it wasn’t a planned absence, so I think that’s unlikely.”
She may be right, but I still feel miserable, and I must look it because as we pull up to the front of the building, Sabrina squeezes my hand and winks. “Put on your game face, superstar.”
I roll my eyes, lock my emotions up tight, and step out of the car.
I don’t know who planned this event, but I’m taking it very personally.
The venue is stunning, just like the grown-up prom I always thought it was.
Twinkle lights adorn every inch of the ceiling, cascading down the curtains like fireflies on a summer night.
There’s a dance floor edged by tables draped in shimmery white tablecloths with elaborate candle centerpieces, and a string band is front and center playing an elegant rendition of what sounds suspiciously like a Michelle Branch song straight off the Dawson’s Creek soundtrack.
Jeremy would have loved it.
I’m standing at the bar, taking a much-needed break from socializing.
I glance at Sabrina, who’s chatting with an older couple about her grandmother, who died of cancer, and it makes me feel guilty for my poor attitude.
This event really is for a good cause. I’m just tired of all the congratulations on our engagement that we’ve been getting all evening.
True to Sabrina’s word, Ryan is nowhere to be seen, but my father has been watching me with an insufferable amount of pride, as if I’m finally acting like the son he always knew I could be. I don’t want his fucking approval anymore, but the little boy inside me is glowing.
The irony of it all guts me in a way I didn’t expect.
The bartender gives me a knowing smile as he slides over the glass of whisky I ordered. “I didn’t recognize you, Mr. Conner.”
I look up in confusion. He’s younger than me, probably close to Jeremy’s age, and has shaggy red hair and adorable dimples; I can admit to myself now that I find him attractive.
I’ve been allowing myself to fully feel my feelings, and it turns out I feel stupid for denying my attraction to men all my life because men are hot.
“Do I know you?”
His smile deepens. “We met at Skynet’s office in November. But I’m an unpaid intern who moonlights as a bartender, so I don’t expect you to remember me.”
I frown, racking my brain because I want to remember him, but the day that my dad forced me into the office after Cannon Beach was such a shitshow. “Nate?”
His green eyes light up. “Close! Nick.”
“Oh, shit.” I cover my mouth. “Sorry, I mean shoot.” I clear my throat. “What were you saying?”
He waves my apology away. “Just that you had a beard and your hair was different, so I almost didn’t recognize you until I saw you with Sabrina Pine.
” His comment is innocent but makes me feel stabby.
I don’t want to look different. I want to look like me.
Nick leans across the bar. “Congrats on the engagement, by the way.”
I bite back a groan and give him a polite smile. “Thanks,” I say, just as a gentle hand lands on my forearm. I look back at Sabrina’s chocolate-brown eyes, so full of concern, and my throat feels tight, like I might cry.
“Dance with me, Roy,” she murmurs.
“Excuse us,” I direct at Nick, and then I allow Sabrina to lace our hands together and pull me to the center of the room. A crystal chandelier twinkles above the dance floor, the warm light puddling around us as I place my hand on Sabrina’s hip and we sway to the music.
“Are you doing okay?” She gives me an impish smile. “I heard the adorable bartender congratulating you, and I thought you were about to commit murder.”
I give her a wry smile. “Am I that transparent?”
“To me you are, but I think most people are used to that permanent scowl on your face.”
I chuckle. “My friend Tristan calls it my resting dick face.”
“Brilliant. I’m stealing that.”
We continue to dance, and Sabrina lays her head on my shoulder with a sigh. Her weight and warmth are conforming, but feel off. Wrong. She’s not the person who fits in my arms. She’s too tall, her nails too long, her body too soft.
I hate that every light-blond head in the room has been turning my head all night, as if Jeremy might appear here serendipitously like he has in my life for years; my happy accident. But he hasn’t. I’m dancing with the most beautiful woman in the room, and I just want her to be Jeremy Hart.
The song changes, and familiar notes fill my ears.
“Are they playing Nickelback?” I whisper to myself, but Sabrina giggles and nods.
“It’s ‘Far Away.’ The band is really talented. They can cover an instrumental version of pretty much any popular song—kind of like the music on Bridgerton.”
“What’s Bridgerton?”
“Jesus, Roy. It’s a TV show.” When I look down at her blankly, she shakes her head. “Never mind.”
I give an awkward nod. The tune is hauntingly beautiful, but fuck if it doesn’t remind me of dancing with Jeremy around the bonfire that last night on the beach. My throat tightens again, and my eyes feel hot. The room is tilting and swaying, making me dizzy.
The lyrics come back to me as the chorus swells, and it triggers a memory: dropping off Seb and Charlie at the arcade in Brighton and spotting Jeremy at one of the machines, his silver hair pushed back, an easy smile on his face while he punched buttons on the machine, the colorful lights playing off his high cheekbones.
I remember my breath catching as it did every time I saw him, and the world stopped.
Nickelback was playing, Chad Kroeger’s voice barely audible over the din of the arcade when he sang, “I love you. I loved you all along. I miss you. Been far away for far too long.”
Fuck. I loved him all along.
“I need some air.” I step away from the dance floor and try not to draw attention to myself as I stride to the stairs. On the second floor, the crowd is thinner, and I make a break for one of the balconies, stepping out into the crisp December night, the door closing behind me with a loud snick.
I squat down in the darkness and press my forehead to my knees, breathing deeply.
It feels weird the way my suit tightens around my body in this position, making me feel even more uncomfortable.
A sob crawls up my throat, and I can’t stop the wave of regret and misery that threatens to drown me like some sort of emotional sneaker wave.
I wish I’d never left him.
I didn’t just break up with him. I fucked him and ghosted. I burned us to the ground so that he’d never want me back. So that he’d always be safe. And now, as my heart once again splinters to pieces, I’m positive it wasn’t worth it.
I fall to my ass, the cement cold through my pants, and cry in earnest, no longer giving a fuck.
The door opens, my head whips up, my hand scrubbing my face furiously, but it’s just Sabrina.
“I miss him so fucking much.” The words come out sad and garbled.
I can’t see her face in the shadows, but she drops to her knees at my side and pulls me into her arms. “Shhh, I know. It’s okay.”
I press my face into her shoulder as my whole body shudders.