Chapter 6 #2
“Second, if you’re worried I’d view you differently, don’t.
” I took in the picture of me cheering at a football game.
It was one of the last games I had cheered at.
It had been cold out. The sleeves on our uniforms were long at the time, which was helpful.
The bruises on my arms were perfectly hidden.
“Not a lot of people would be unfazed after learning something like that,” he said.
“Is the way I judge people broken?” I shrugged again.
“Maybe I’m so desperate for you to care for me that I’d ignore your red flags.
” I glanced at him. He looked equal parts worried and horrified.
“I’m kidding. Do you think I would have taken a crowbar to your motorcycle if I was desperate?
I already went through that pathetic phase years ago. I learned a lot from it.”
“Then why are you so accepting of someone killing another person?”
Who was I to judge? If he had killed his father, he wouldn’t be my only parent to kill someone. At least the person he may or may not have offed had been a bad man. The same bad man he hadn’t wanted me around and had given me up to protect me from.
“Charlotte?” he said, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Would you judge me?” I asked. “Would you view me differently?”
He frowned. “If you killed someone?”
I felt the need to challenge him. Just like I had done with damaging his motorcycle. I wanted to see if he’d abandon me. Better to do it now on my terms instead of later when I foolishly let myself trust him.
“What if I watched a good man be killed and I didn’t try to save him or utter a word to anyone of how he truly died? Would that change your opinion of me? That my silence let his killer get away with it. Would you ask me to leave and never come back?”
He didn’t answer. He looked too stunned to.
“What would you do, Bram, if you knew I was capable of such a thing? Would I be a disappointment? All those sacrifices you made for me and this is how I turned out.”
He sat there, eyes locked on me, unblinking. The longer he stared at me, the harder his expression became. “Are you talking about Noah, Charlotte?”
I couldn’t mask my shock fast enough and it was all the clarification he needed.
“I had heard that he died from an accident in your home,” Bram said.
I could backtrack and insist that everything I had said was all hypothetical, but what was the point? I was so fucking tired of lying. Most of my secrets were already spilled anyway. What was a few more? Why not use the worst of all of them to see if he’d stick around?
“How’d Noah die?” he asked.
“Did you kill your father?” I shot back instead of answering.
His frown deepened and I thought I was about to get reprimanded. I didn’t think he would actually answer.
“I made sure he went out the same way my best friend did.” His voice was even, but I could hear the anger.
He was only telling me so I would answer him.
It was a secret for a secret. A gamble. A risky one.
I could have been lying before. What if the truth did change the way I felt about him?
What if I used it against him? I wondered what he wished to gain from learning my secret.
Does it matter?
No. All that did were my own reasons for steering us in this direction.
I looked away from him, clutching the picture frame in my hands tightly. “I watched Mother push him down the stairs.”
His response didn’t come right away, but it was calm. “You were six years old at the time, weren’t you?”
I nodded. “It was late at night. Their yelling woke me. I almost didn’t get up to go see what was going on.
I feared if I got caught, it would anger Mother.
I was going to try and go back to sleep, but then I heard glass breaking.
She hadn’t started hurting me yet, so angering her wasn’t as terrifying as hearing that glass break.
I left my room and found them screaming at each other by the top of the stairs.
His back was to them. Her back was to me and the hall I was tiptoeing down.
He saw me. I remember how quickly he went from looking angry to not, as if to hide what they had just been doing. ”
I took in a deep painful breath to prepare myself for what I had to say next. “In that split second of distraction I caused, she shoved him. He was falling and all I could do was watch until I couldn’t see him anymore. Even now, I can still hear his body hitting the steps.”
I closed my eyes for a few seconds to soothe the burn behind them.
“She just stood there staring down at him for such a long time, I was almost convinced that what just happened didn’t.
That it was all a bad dream. I was going to wake up and he would be fine.
Then she started laughing. It was deranged.
I knew if she realized I was there, she’d kill me next.
I backed away slowly. I didn’t take my eyes off her until it was safe to turn around and run back to my room.
” I faced Bram again. “She told the police she found him at the bottom of the stairs. That he had been drinking and must have tripped. Everyone believed her. Everyone felt sorry for her. She got away with it because I was a coward who was too scared to tell anyone the truth.”
“You were a terrified little girl,” he argued.
I set the picture frame back on his desk. “I’ve had twelve years to tell someone the truth.”
“You just did.”
But it didn’t change anything. It didn’t make things right. It was too late. I shook my head. “It’s not that simple.”
“It never is.” He stretched out an arm along the back of the couch and gave me a level look. “But you didn’t bring all this up so I could help you through your guilt.”
No, I hadn’t.
“Is there anything else you want to throw at me to push me away?” he asked. “Want to take another crowbar to my bike? It’s in the garage. Have at it. I will still be here when you’re done.”
Was I that transparent? “And why did you tell me about your father?”
“Because you asked. Because you’re here.
You’re in my life now and my life is deeply rooted in the club.
That means you will be around it. It’s not really a secret what I did to my father.
I’m sure your friends even suspect. So instead of you hearing a rumor about it, I wanted you to hear it from me. ”
“You almost didn’t tell me at all,” I pointed out, adding fuel to the fire.
“Because you don’t trust me, Charlotte,” he snapped angrily, making me flinch.
Seeing that, regret showed on his face. He leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees, and ran his hands down his face.
“I’m sorry for snapping.” His voice was calm again.
“I thought I would have more time with you. I wanted you to know me better before sharing with you all the ugly stuff from my past. I was nervous you’d think I was the same as your mother, but I couldn’t lie to you. ”
All the fire, all the need to prove something was instantly snuffed out.
He was worried I’d be scared of him.
I was worried he’d abandon me.
I sighed. “I don’t think you’re like her. If I did, I wouldn’t have acted the way I just did. I wouldn’t have pushed your buttons like that.”
“Keep pushing them if that’s what you need to see that I’m not going anywhere.”
I frowned at the absurdity of that.
“You’re my kid, Charlotte,” he said.
“I don’t understand how that makes it okay for me to piss you off.”
He grinned. “It’s normal for kids to piss off their parents.”
“And it’s normal for a parent not to hurt them for it?”
His grin faded instantly. “The last thing a parent wants is for their child to be hurt.”
“That’s not normal for me.”
His shoulders slumped a little. “I know, kid. I can’t take back what your mother has done. All I can do is show you that I’m nothing like her and ask that you give me the time to do that.”
I was unsure how to respond to that. So I didn’t say anything at all.
He stood. “Are you hungry?”
It was such a topic shift that it took me a second to compute what he had asked. I nodded despite my thoughts still reeling from what had just happened. I’d acted poorly and felt a strong need to apologize for it.
“Why don’t we get some lunch from the kitchen?” he said, heading for the door.
“Bram,” I said, stopping him before he walked out.
He glanced back at me. “Yeah?”
“I’m—”
“I don’t want you to apologize,” he said before I could get all the words out.
“I understand why you’re scared to trust me.
I trusted a woman I barely knew to care for my child.
I made a bad call, and you suffered because of it.
So please don’t apologize to me when all you’re trying to do is make me prove I won’t leave you again. ”
“I can’t be awful to you and not apologize for it.”
“You can do whatever you want.”
I scoffed. If only that were true.
“How about a compromise, then?” he said. “Tell me you’re sorry when you trust me. Until then, do what you have to do to get there. Yell, scream, break shit—I can take it.”
I thought about it. “Okay.”
“Good. Let’s go eat.”