CHAPTER 19
Mattheo
I leave building G and head toward the old church at the back of the monastery in search of Leroi.
He probably hasn't made any progress since we've only been here a few days, but I hope he at least has some leads on how to break through this damn barrier protecting the Academy.
I find him sitting on the pew in the front row of the nave, head in his hands.
He looks like shit.
“Tell me you know how this shitty shield works so we can get this over with as quickly as possible.”
His head snaps up, surprised by my sudden presence. He must not have heard the heavy front door creak as I entered, too lost in his thoughts.
The surprise on his features quickly disappears, replaced by anger. I frown, not understanding why he seems so angry. Within seconds, he advances towards me and punches me in the nose. I'm so caught off guard that I don't retaliate. I grunt in pain and instinctively press my hands against my nose.
Fuck, he's got a nice right hook, the bastard.
“What the hell was that for, Leroi?” I exclaim, astonished by his gesture and deeply annoyed with myself for not having eluded him.
It's not like I'm not used to dodging or taking hits or anything…
“You're such a piece of shit, dear cousin!” He spits venomously, raising his fist again, but this time I block the hit by grabbing his wrist.
Thank you, Father, for the combat training. It saved my injured nose from ending up broken.
Again.
“You better explain yourself right now before I kill you, whether you're my cousin or not,” I roar, now pissed. “I'm still your future Master, don't forget that.”
He pulls his hand from my grasp and chuckles disdainfully, his gaze so dark and murderous that if it could kill me, I would be dead.
“You don't deserve her,” he growls under his breath, looking at me up and down with disdainful eyes.
I frown in confusion and anger before taking a step back, my jaw clenching and my hands balling into fists.
That hurts.
Not because he says so, but because I know he's right. I have no say in who I marry, but I'm lucky my fiancée turns out to be Aelys. She's beautiful and perfect in every way. Too innocent and pure to be my wife.
Yes, I treated her like shit at first, but only because I don't want to marry anyone, especially not a woman as sweet as her. I know that becoming my wife will ruin her. Even if the idea is tempting, I have to admit that.
I always knew I'd one day have to marry someone my father chose, and I always hated it. He doesn't believe in love. He sees it as a weakness and taught Tom and me to think the same way. That's one of the reasons he chose my fiancée.
He neither needs nor wants me to love my future wife. He only wants me to have my own heir to ensure the Rigast name lives on.
He made me his perfect successor, ready to take his place after his death and continue what he started by exterminating the fairies and non-magical beings. Except, that's not enough for the great Darkvis.
No.
He wants to make sure I fulfill my role perfectly. My descendants will also have to be trained to one day take my place and rule the magical world, while ensuring that only wizards and shapeshifters are part of it.
To train a future leader, there is no need to love him. Even less so to love one's wife in order to produce one.
My father ingrained this belief in me so deeply that for a long time I refused to express any emotion. The mere idea of marrying a woman I couldn't possibly love was repugnant to me. I didn't understand the point of marrying for a successor if love had no place in the equation.
What was the point of wasting my time and patience having to put up with a woman I was destined to despise just so she could give me a son? Couldn't she have carried and given birth to my child before disappearing so I could make him the perfect heir, just as my father had done with me?
I needed an heir, not a wife.
Yet, all my beliefs and convictions were shattered when I first saw her.
Aelys Hewloc.
Her long brown hair, pale skin and large hazel eyes shining with innocence make her too captivating to resist. The gods know how hard I tried to hate her with every ounce of my being.
What a fucking failure…
I don't know how I feel about her, but I know I care too much for this girl. The mere thought of someone else having her drives me insane. I can't stand it. She's been mine from the beginning and will remain so until our last breath.
But if Father finds out, he will kill her.
“I know what you did, Rigast,” Leroi spoke again, bringing me back to reality.
“Fuck, you hurt her, but that's not all. You also went and fucked some random girl behind her back.” He spits, his voice full of venom, his gray eyes now blackened with anger.
“And suddenly you're playing the perfect boyfriend in public.
Fuck, you've got some nerves, you bastard!”
He's furious, and so am I. Not only because he's starting an argument about all I've done to her, but also because I already hate myself for it. I hurt her, and I know she doesn't fully trust me, and it's driving me crazy. I want—no, I need—her to trust me.
All these emotions are confusing and too much for me to handle. Since I was younger, fear is all I’ve ever known. Fear of being beaten, when my father thought I deserved to be punished for a mistake any kid could have made.
The Rigasts were beyond reproach. There was no room for error or weakness. He said these corrections were meant to toughen us up.
Fear got replaced by anger as I grew older and he began to do the same to Tom.
Every time he beat me or touched my little brother, my anger grew.
Until one day I stopped taking the blows and fought back.
I fought back, surprisingly earning the approval and pride of the great Darkvis.
I was finally worthy of being his heir and the beatings stopped.
He never laid a hand on Tom or me again.
As for what I feel for Aelys, I don't know what it is. I wouldn't say I love her, but I do care about her. The fact that he says it's all an act makes me furious.
“You don't know anything, Leroi,” I growl, my voice sounding like a warning.
He takes a step towards me, his eyes black with rage, his nostrils flaring and his index finger pointing at my chest.
“Then enlighten me, Rigast! Explain to me why you've been stuck by her side all fucking day, acting like you actually love her after treating her like shit since you first saw her!”
I clench my jaw and turn my gaze toward the altar. I don't know what he wants me to say. Hating her was an act. Caring for her and being attracted to her isn't. I don't want to feel anything for her, but I'm afraid it's already too late for that.
“She's my fiancée, Leroi. Mine, damn it! Our marriage will soon be announced publicly, we need our relationship to appear normal. And I don't want other guys flirting with her!”
“That's fucking hypocritical of you after fucking another girl yesterday,” he snorts venomously.
“I’m fucking regretting it!” I cry out, my anger reaching its peak.
His eyes widen and he takes a few steps back, surprised. “You what?” He asks, stunned, probably expecting me to correct myself.
I run my hands through my hair and pull my brown curls harshly. I close my eyes and clench my jaw harder in frustration.
“I should never have fucked that fairy bitch! Are you satisfied?” I breathe out, angrily.
“I never meant to hurt Aelys. I don't know what's happening to me, all I know is I can't bear the image of her with anyone but me!” I scream, desperate, angry, frustrated…
I run a hand over my face and sigh heavily. My shoulders slump and I feel the guilt returning. I know she's still hurt by what I did and I hate that.
I hate myself for this.
I'd never known regret before. Killing someone because I was ordered to? No regrets. Torturing an innocent soul for information? No regrets either. Hurting someone's feelings? No fucking regrets.
I had no emotions before I met her. I was simply carrying out the tasks my father gave me and learning to become the next Dark Mage. I didn't have time to think about feeling anything.
The only time I would feel anything is when I felt the blood of the poor souls I killed or tortured slip through my fingers.
It was fucking euphoria and adrenaline what I felt.
Even fucking whores never brought me any satisfaction. It was just pure lust, I didn't care about their pleasure, all that mattered was my own
But with Aelys, everything is different. I felt drawn to her since the moment our eyes met. She makes me care about her even when I don't want to. She makes me hate the mere thought of her being with someone other than me.
To think that I wanted to ruin her so that no one would ever want her. Everything changed the moment our lips first met. I was afraid of what would happen once I had her and now that I do, I'm terrified.
Every touch from her makes me shiver. I've never liked people touching me, not even during sex. But her?
I'm fucking addicted to her touch.
Her plump lips around my cock were divine, but seeing her moan my name as I touched her, gave her pleasure… I have no words to describe how it made me feel. It made me want and need to praise her like a fucking goddess because that's what she is.
My goddess.
She doesn't belong with me and yet I don't want her to belong to anyone else. She's mine, only mine, damn it.
My eyes turn to Leroi, noticing that his eyes are still wide and his mouth is hanging open. He's looking at me as if this is the first time he's seen me, and honestly? I think it is because I don't recognize myself.
But it are the words he breathes, incredulous, that finish me off. “Oh my gods! You're falling in love with her.”