Chapter 17
17
Carter
C arter couldn’t fight it anymore. Last night had taken all his energy to keep Bailey safe—not from anyone else—safe from him. He didn’t want to drag her into his mess of a life. He didn’t want her to resent him for choices he’d made when he’d been foolish.
He would have given anything to wipe away those past mistakes so he could stand before her as a good man with a good heart.
Bailey wasn’t going to back down, and at this point, there was a very real part of him demanding that he just take what he could while he had the option.
A soft hand touched his cheek, and his eyes flew open. Bailey stared at him, her eyes searching his like a beacon in a storm. Just let her in. It sounded so simple. But it couldn’t be that easy. There had to be consequences he wasn’t thinking about. Beyond the money he owed and the very real threat to her safety, what more did he need to think about?
“Carter,” she whispered, and he felt his defenses shattering.
His hands slipped around the back of her neck, and he crushed his lips over hers, ignoring the gasp of surprise that escaped from her. His mouth moved over hers, seeking out that comfort she’d been so insistent that she could offer him. She opened up to him like a flower to the sun despite the winter storm that surrounded them both. Bailey didn’t have a clue about the person he was a few years ago, and she definitely wouldn’t want him if she did. But right now, in this moment, she desired him, and that was enough.
Her body was warm and soft as she clung to him. She pushed her fingers into his hair, and it all but had him coming undone. Her feather-light touch both caressing and demanding. It was all he could do not to scoop her up into his arms and lose complete control. His heart hammered, and his body ached—demanding he do just that.
He pulled back just enough to bury his face in her neck. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so connected to a person. The loneliness he’d struggled with even back when he lived with his family was suddenly disappearing—ironic, seeing as he’d always had his twin by his side. But this connection with Bailey couldn’t compare to anything he’d experienced before. It was as if he’d been wandering aimlessly around the perimeter of a fortress, not knowing how to get inside… until now.
Bailey had opened a door to him, letting him in, taking him out of the cold. She moaned softly, her lips finding his once more. He could taste the desperation in those kisses, the need that mirrored his own.
This was what he wanted.
No.
He needed her, and he’d do anything it took to keep her.
Their kiss was only broken off by the sound of a thud down the hallway. Bailey jerked back first, her pink nose and cheeks the only evidence of the passion they’d shared. Her wide eyes darted over his shoulder toward the hallway. When no other sounds filled the room besides their ragged breathing, she dragged her focus back to him. Almost immediately, she dropped her gaze to the floor.
No. He wasn’t going to let her pull away from him, not after he’d finally crossed this bridge. He could already feel the desperation rising into his throat, threatening to choke off what little happiness he’d found while having her in his arms.
Carter hooked his finger beneath her chin and lifted it so she would meet his eyes. He’d expected to see shame and disappointment, but what he actually saw sent his heart once again into overdrive.
Her desire trumped his own. The connection they’d shared hadn’t been one-sided like he’d feared.
Bailey wasn’t going to retreat.
He didn’t know how he knew; he just… did.
No words needed to be spoken. They didn’t have to drone on about what had just occurred between them. The way she looked at him, he knew they were on the same page.
She shivered, and he pulled her into his arms. Her cheek rested on his shoulder, and he trailed his hands along her back. He didn’t know what was going to happen next, but whatever it was, they would make it through together.
“Do you want something to drink?” His voice cracked as he whispered the question. She nodded, and he tightened his hold on her. “Okay. I’ll get you some hot chocolate. You go sit by the fire.” He released her reluctantly as if doing so would send him spiraling back to the place he’d been only moments before.
Carter busied himself getting out the mild and cocoa mix, his eyes darting over to the living room, where she sat on the couch in front of the fireplace. The flames lit her silhouette—a straight, rigid back. What he wouldn’t give to read her mind in this moment.
Perhaps they did need to have a conversation about what had just taken place—about where they wanted to go next.
When he took his seat beside her, he held out the second mug in his hand. Her fingertips brushed against his, sending fresh waves of electricity through his body. He knew what it was like to be touched by her, held by her. And already he wanted more.
She glanced up at him out of the corner of her eye, a soft smile touching her lips. “Thank you,” she murmured.
He nodded and turned his eyes to the flames before them. The heat was nothing compared to the inferno raging inside him, but he did his best to keep it controlled.
“So…” She glanced at him once more.
“So.” He repeated.
Her smile stretched wider, and she heaved a long, heavy sigh. “I suppose we need to set different ground rules.”
His head snapped around to stare at her, his heart sinking. He didn’t dare breathe until he knew what exactly she meant by that statement.
Bailey nodded toward the hallway, where, just a few yards away, her daughter slept. “I don’t think it would be wise to let Anya see—” She pressed her lips together, and if he wasn’t mistaken, her cheeks flushed. “I don’t want her to get any more attached to you than she already is. If that were to happen and we didn’t work out?—”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Carter said firmly, drawing a surprised gaze from Bailey.
She quickly replaced it with a patient-looking smile. “You’re really sweet, Carter, but?—”
He put the mug on the coffee table and turned to her, taking her free hand in his. “I’ve been through enough in my life to know when I have the chance at something extraordinary. When I make a decision, that’s where I stay. If at any point this were to… not work out… it wouldn’t be on me.” It was the most honest thing he’d said to her since they’d met. Keeping secrets had gotten so easy since he’d left home that even telling her this much took a lot out of him. His voice lowered and he leaned in closer. “I’m not going anywhere,” he repeated.
Bailey’s eyes searched his. He couldn’t tell if she believed him or not. Heck, he might have just knocked over the first domino that would trigger her to run.
He watched her, looking for any indication that he’d done just that. But her expression was unreadable. Carter brought her hand to his lips and brushed a kiss over her soft skin. “I’ll be here as long as you’ll have me.” It was a promise—perhaps even a request. But at least she knew where he stood. If he had to sell his soul to pay Dirk back on time, he’d do it just so he could continue walking down this path he’d started only a few weeks earlier.
She nodded but didn’t say anything. Bailey tugged her hand from his grasp and placed her palm against his cheek. Her thumb traced his skin, dragging along the scruff of his beard. Then she placed her mug on the coffee table and scooted closer to him.
Carter slipped his arm around her shoulders, reveling in the way she felt beside him. She snuggled deeper and pulled her legs up onto the couch.
“Can you tell me something?” she whispered.
He turned his head, resting his chin atop her hair. “Sure.” The answer left his lips before he had a chance to really understand what it could mean.
“How do you know so much about constellations?”
A smile played at his lips. “That’s your burning question?”
She shifted, snuggling even closer though he didn’t think it was possible. “All of that stuff you told Anya the other night… it just made me curious.”
He trailed his fingertips up and down her arm, then cocked his head to the side. “I suppose it started when I was a kid.” His thoughts drifted to that time in his life when his family had next to nothing. “When you have a family as big as mine and can’t afford to put food on the table, let alone buy clothes and toys, you figure out other ways to entertain yourself.”
Bailey craned her head around so she could get a look at him. Her expression was thoughtful, and he could practically see the additional questions burning in her eyes.
Carter took a deep breath and released it. “You could blame Caleb for most of it. He stole a book from school once—gave it to me for Christmas that year.” His smile deepened. “I don’t think he realized that astronomy would become a passion for me, but it did. I wore that book out until the binding could barely hold the pages in anymore.”
“How old were you?”
“Eight.”
She sucked in a breath. “You were so young.”
He chuckled. “I still think that my obsession with stars was the one thing that kept me out of jail.” His chest tightened. His upbringing hadn’t been the best. Wade and Annabel had done what they could, but they were more focused on survival than anything else. “My home life wasn’t like everyone else’s. We didn’t really get a chance to celebrate Christmas the way everyone else did. We didn’t pass around lots of gifts or eat all the special food. But we did get to spend time together.” She was quiet for a little longer than he’d expected, and he nudged her. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head. “I’m just thinking about Anya…” Bailey didn’t have to say anything more than that. He could already tell she was comparing Anya’s upbringing with his own.
“Hey,” he whispered, tightening his hold on her again. “Your daughter is head and shoulders above how I was raised. She has a mother who loves her. Someone who would move heaven and earth to make sure that she still believes in Santa.”
“Did you believe in Santa?” Her voice was small, uncertain, and heavy.
He could lie to her, tell her that kids are resilient. He could tell her stories of his childhood and how he credited ‘Santa’ for the little things when he was young. But he didn’t. “No,” he finally murmured.
She stiffened.
“But I won’t let Anya lose her belief in magic.” He thought back to the quiet confession Anya had given him about the kids in school. He recalled the way her statement had angered him and unreasonably so. Kids in kindergarten shouldn’t be privy to that information. He swallowed hard. And he wasn’t going to tell Bailey about it either. It would only make her worry.
She relaxed against him and let out a sigh. “Thank you,” she whispered.