Chapter 25
25
Carter
W ell, it certainly felt like Carter was right back where he’d started. He was an outcast, a pariah. No one could trust him or should trust him. He had no one to blame but himself. There was no way he would crawl back to Bailey’s house to beg her to take him back—despite how desperate and lonely he’d become. She’d been right to kick him out. She’d cited everything that made sense.
While he hadn’t technically broken any of the rules she’d laid out, he’d been dishonest all the same. If she was aware of the full truth, he would have expected her to do the same thing.
Flecks of dust floated around the dim lights in the barn at his home. The house was dark, indicating everyone had gone to bed. The isolation in the barn suited him. He couldn’t exactly knock on the door and beg his family to give him his room back, either. Something told him that he would always be isolated from his family. He didn’t fit in with them. Not one of the Keagan family members had become the betrayer that he had.
Dragging both hands through his hair, he tried to drown out the words that Bailey had flung in his direction before he’d left. He didn’t deserve to have her. She was such a good woman, and she’d been through so much. She needed someone better who could offer her more than he could.
A searing heat built behind his eyelids, and he squeezed them shut to prevent tears from escaping. No crying. He refused to shed a single tear for a problem he caused all on his own. This was what his brothers had warned him about when they’d tried to take him home that first time they tracked him down.
Why hadn’t he listened?
Carter lifted his head and stared out into the darkness of the barn. He needed a plan—a way to save face, to keep Bailey safe, and to tell his brothers he was sorry for what he’d done. There was only one thing that came to mind. It had been a long time since he’d put pen to paper, but that was all he had left.
He groaned as he got to his feet and headed out into the frozen night. His boots left fresh footprints in the snow. Chuff. Chuff. Chuff. He was too numb to feel the bitter cold. Too broken to keep it from settling in his bones.
The steps to the house creaked under the weight of his boots. He tried the front door handle, but it was locked. There was the back door, too. He could also try a few of the windows on the lower level. Once upon a time, he and Caleb would keep a window unlocked so they could sneak back inside.
He turned and moved down the steps so he could move around to the back of the house. The steps leading up to the kitchen didn’t groan as much as those in the front. He checked the doorknob but found it locked as well.
A sigh burst from his lips, and he turned to leave when the knob rattled. His head turned, tossing a look over his shoulder. The door opened, and there in the shadows was the unmistakable silhouette of his baby sister. Clad in sweats and a hoodie, she moved a step closer and folded her arms just as the light from the moon shone on her face. “Carter?” she whispered. “What are you doing here?” She glanced around as if expecting him to be with someone.
“I…” He couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth.
She frowned. Charlie might be the youngest at twenty-three, but she had always seemed older than her age. “Is everything okay? I thought you were staying with someone closer to town.”
He nodded. “I was.”
“ Was …” she drawled. “Carter? Is everything okay?”
What he wouldn’t give to be able to gather her in his arms just so he had someone who could rub his back and tell him everything would work out. But he couldn’t do that. Not to Charlie. They were all supposed to protect her. That’s what older brothers did.
Still, he couldn’t exactly lie, either. Carter shook his head.
Her frown deepened and she shivered, the freezing temperatures finally getting to her. “Do you want to come in?”
He glanced toward the kitchen. There was a drawer with pens and pencils, and he was sure there was a notebook lying around somewhere. That was all he needed. Paper and a pencil. Carter swallowed hard, then nodded.
Charlie shifted to the side and granted him access. The kitchen was dark except for the light beneath the microwave that was built into the cabinetry. It appeared that Charlie was in the middle of making some tea. There was a pot on the stove with little whisps of steam rising into the air. “Do you want some tea?”
“No,” his voice cracked.
He could sense the concern coming off her like it was its own kind of pheromone. Carter didn’t want to drag her into his mess of a life. This could very well be the last time he saw her.
“Whatever it is, Carter, I’m not going to judge you.”
He huffed.
“Should I go get Ca?—”
“No,” he snapped a little too loud. “Don’t get Caleb. Don’t get anyone. I’m not staying. I just… I need to write a few letters, and I don’t…” He sighed. “I don’t have any paper.”
Her brows drew together, pinching until lines formed between them. “Carter?—”
“Please don’t ask me to explain. I can’t stay here. But I don’t want to leave without saying goodbye.”
“Then wait until morning?—”
“I can’t do that,” he muttered. “I need to get out of here before everyone gets up. I can’t afford to have anyone try to convince me to stay. I’m in trouble.”
“ Trouble ? Carter?—”
He placed a hand over hers and stared hard into her eyes. “Can you just help me get some paper and a pen? I’m handling it. It’s my mess, and I’m going to handle it like I should have done in the beginning.”
She pressed her lips together so hard they turned white. Then she moved to the drawer where they kept their odds and ends. She rustled through the contents, and when she’d found what she was looking for, she brought it to him. When she left the room, he nearly went after her in order to make sure she wasn’t going to tattle to their brothers.
But then she returned quickly with a notebook in hand. She tossed it on the kitchen table and then folded her arms, the accusation clear in her eyes. He could almost hear her comparing him to their parents who had left them.
Carter pulled out a chair and settled into it. He opened the book, aware of his sister’s judgmental stare the whole time he wrote the first letter. He told Wade everything from stealing the money to what he’d spent it on. Keeping out the large debt he owed the bookie, he focused on what he planned to do in order to change. He took responsibility for his actions and apologized. Then he told Wade they were all better off without him until he could get his head on straight. He’d figure a few things out and maybe try coming home again after the dust had settled.
Next, he wrote a letter to Caleb. That one was harder than the first. What could he tell his twin that would help his case? They had been inseparable when they were children. There was once a time when they could predict what the other one had to say. When Carter had left, he knew it had hurt Caleb deeply.
He settled on a short note explaining most of what he’d said to Wade but added some private notes about looking up to him. He was proud of Caleb for getting his life together. And lastly, he wanted Caleb to know he’d try to come back when he finally figured everything out.
The last letter was the hardest to write.
He started it at least half a dozen times. Bailey had broken things off with him, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t give her an apology. He didn’t tell her any of the darker details. Instead, he told her she’d been right to kick him out. He cited their many differences and backgrounds. He said while he would always care for her, she was better off without him.
Charlie snorted, and he looked up to find her looking over the letter he had written. He covered the paper with his hand and scowled at her. He knew better than to believe she wouldn’t hear the whole story from his brothers, but that didn’t mean he wanted her to openly judge him when he was still in the room.
“You’re not seriously going to give her that letter, are you?”
His scowl deepened. “It’s none of your business.”
“Why not tell her about the other stuff? The theft and?—”
“It’s none of your business, Charlie. Just because you let me in doesn’t mean you get to tell me what to do. I’m not sticking around. I tried. I failed. Now I’m going to do the right thing for once.”
She snorted again. “Fine. Do what you’re going to do.” She lifted her hands, showing her palms. “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that Wade is going to hate you for doing it this way.”
“I don’t got much of a choice, now do I?”
Charlie rolled her eyes, then she moved toward the stove and prepared her tea.
Carter folded the first two letters and wrote the names of their recipients on them. Then he hesitated before folding Bailey’s. “Will you make sure they get these?”
The look she gave him would have sent a shiver down his spine if he wasn’t already a lost cause. He shoved the notebook away and pushed out from the table. “Goodbye, Charlie.”