24. Brad
24
brAD
“ H oly shit, it really is a carnival,” Micah said as we stood at the edge of the Fête des Tuileries. Or that’s what the sign called it — I sure didn’t know how to pronounce it.
Rides dotted the landscape, stalls of all kinds, a giant Ferris wheel, and the smells of something almost like home, drifting over to meet us. “We came to Paris for a carnival? Sweet.” I laughed.
Alex made a face. “Was this a bad idea? I thought it sounded fun.”
“You just wanted sweets,” I accused.
He grinned, that sheepish look coming to his face. “Okay, fine. I like sweets. Can you complain?”
“Yeah, because Paris was definitely lacking the most amazing desserts in the world.” Shane said, but his smile softened it.
Alex laughed.
“Ooh…I want to go on everything,” Dylan said, staring at things with a sense of wonder. “Maybe the carnies in France are different from America. How cool would it be to be a carnie?”
Micah tilted his head, looking at Dylan like he wasn’t sure if he sprouted another head overnight.
I clapped him on the back, “Come on, man. We can go find some rides to try out.” Maybe it was nothing. I knew Micah was fine. He and Jason had been going out for so long now, but it was almost instinctive that I wanted to protect Dylan.
He wasn’t this weird person everyone thought he was. Okay, maybe he was a little weird, but that’s what made him interesting. A pang of guilt hit me, however, as I realized that this particular ‘weirdness’ is what made me hesitant to even think about introducing him to my family as anything other than a friend. Or even as a friend.
Not that we were anything, I knew that only too well.
Dylan pointed to a wooden carousel with the pretty painted horses. Maybe not the most exciting ride around, but who was I to argue with what he wanted? I nodded and followed him.
He went for a black horse with a blue saddle, sitting expectantly. Not a care in the world that it was mostly kids and their parents who got on these things. I shrugged and took a seat on a lion next to his horse.
“It feels like being a kid again,” he said, and for a moment there was that sad look again. It was fleeting, and then he glanced away just as quickly. One of these days I was going to ask him about it, what it was. I had some ideas. I knew the things that bothered him, but this was a sadness deeper than I could even touch on.
The carousel began to move, the wooden figures going up and down as we circled around. When I looked at Dylan, there was a smile on his face, watching the kids and their parents as they stood there, laughing and having fun.
I couldn’t understand what most of them were saying, but their smiles told the complete story.
Oh .
Suddenly, it made sense when I looked between the happy families and Dylan. Probably related to his dad, or something else with his family. I knew his mom and brother both left, but he hardly talked about them except that it happened and that it affected his dad. Sometimes it seemed like too much to talk about.
Reaching over, I laid my hand on his leg, trying to reassure him as best I could. I wanted to hold him, to tell him he could talk it through and tell me what was going on. If he wanted to, or I could just hold him until he smiled again.
His hand met mine, just resting there. Like maybe he was thanking me for reaching out, or maybe he was just trying to reassure me back. I didn’t ask when the ride ended, and it took Dylan a moment to register that it had. Only after I was already off the lion and called his name.
Nothing was said — he just took off again for the remaining fairgrounds. We passed Alex and Shane sharing a toffee apple, with Shane shaking his head and insisting Alex indulge. Shane preferred cheesy fried foods over sweets, so not that either of them had much room for a healthy high ground.
A handful of different rides and food stalls later, we paused in front of the Ferris wheel. Theo and Charlie accompanied us on one of the other rides, but I think it took the wind out of Charlie’s sails and he had to take it easy. “Want to go on?” Dylan asked.
“Sure, you’re not scared of the Ferris wheel, are you?” I teased.
He snorted. “No. Makes me feel like a bird.”
With that, he took off to get us one of the enclosed capsules. It was big enough that all of us could have hopped in if they’d been with us. This was a trip where everyone just kind of did their own thing in pairs, so who even knew where they’d gone off to.
We both took our seats, and I stared out at the grounds. It was kind of surreal to be in our third country of this trip, already over halfway through. “This has been fun. You’ve looked happy,” I said, smiling a little as I watched him.
Dylan’s eyebrows raised, like maybe he wasn’t sure why I was saying it or maybe thinking I wouldn’t notice. “It has. I can’t skate here, you know, so…this is nice.” His smile was easy and lazy, like something in him had visibly relaxed.
Which was interesting, since I’d thought the festival in Germany had comforted him, but now this was what he needed. Maybe Dylan didn’t know what it was he wanted, either. Or maybe he needed something all the time to keep his mind off things. “It is. We should figure out a plan for the rest of the days here. I sort of suspect that we’re going to be stuck together again.”
“Yeah? Is that such a bad thing?” Dylan came to my side of the carriage instead, sitting next to me. I could feel the warmth of his body close by.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad, we were creeping up on the Ferris wheel, who could see us? I took his hand in mine, threading our fingers together. “No. I like being stuck with you.” I bumped him with my shoulder.
A flash of a smile appeared, and my heart pounded.
“You want to kiss me here?” he asked, his tone so matter of fact and calm.
Like his words didn’t set me on fire. Of course I wanted to. My gaze fell down to his lips for a moment, tracing them silently. I’d already flown too close to the sun, kissing him near the Italian river and the festival. “If someone sees…” I trailed off, my face getting hot. I was an idiot and a coward.
Dylan paused for the briefest moments before nodding, and then he stood up, disentangling his fingers from mine. He walked over to the window of the closed in carriage, staring out at the fairgrounds.
The sky was blue with only a few clouds dotting it. Paris looked so beautiful down there, stretching out with all the old buildings and architecture. How was it such a contrast to the sudden air inside the Ferris wheel?
A pit formed in my stomach. How could I be such an asshole? How did I keep going from wanting to hold him to rejecting him? Who would actually see us here? Even if they did, why did I have to care so much? I could only kiss him when I didn’t think about it too hard? Did he deserve that?
If we were still just friends with benefits, though, why did he seem so hurt?
“Dylan…” I began, just as the Ferris wheel stopped moving, suspending us in midair.
He turned his head to look at me, and there was this unreadable expression on his face. There was something almost soft, mixed with this sense of sadness and something else I didn’t even know how to identify. It was startling, almost uncomfortable, and I wanted so much to walk away from it.
“Don’t, Brad…don’t.” His words were soft, that raspy voice of his quiet.
I wished more than anything that I could take it back. Or at least not be here alone with him.
Which made me feel even worse.
Contrary to how it felt, however, I was surprised when Dylan seized my arm, hugging it and laying his head on my shoulder. My heart soared at having him so close, and I wanted to tell him everything I was thinking. It was getting to be too much.
This was way beyond friends with benefits, wasn’t it? This wasn’t normal for that situation. Normally, we could just hang out and laugh together. There wasn’t anything that was off limits. Now that we’d started this stupid ass ordeal, though, everything felt like it was off limits, or I was overthinking every single thing that happened. All because I’d been so in love with him for so long and was terrified to tell him the truth.
After a moment, we started moving again. I turned, brushing off all the stupid worries and fears and freaking out that was going on in my head. I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulled him close, and kissed him like my life depended on it. How could I have him like this all to myself on the Ferris wheel and not take the movie moment?
I wanted to kiss him everywhere. He wanted me to kiss him.
And I could feel a hint of a smile on his lips before he leaned in, kissing me back.