25. Dylan
25
DYLAN
T here was something raging inside me from the moment that I sat next to Brad on the Ferris wheel. This undercurrent of electricity, and this weird sensation that maybe I wasn’t all the way there for the moment. Like I was someone else looking in at my life, like I wasn’t really the one saying what I said.
When he kissed me, there was a part of me that felt like I was flying, even more than the Ferris wheel. So excited that he was kissing me in the middle of the fairgrounds. Another thing to check off the bucket list.
Unfortunately, the doubts came rushing back again. The way he hadn’t wanted to kiss me, the way he wanted to avoid it. The way he was terrified of someone seeing us. We were supposed to be just friends with benefits — that much I’d suggested myself — but there was something in the air that I didn’t like the taste of.
When we walked off the ride, we worked our way to finding the rest of our friends. Brad said nothing, and part of me felt like it was regret that hung over him that prevented him from saying anything. He was so much quieter on this trip than he normally was.
Did he just not know how to let me down easily? If he didn’t want to fuck me anymore, all he had to do was say so. Sure, it would hurt, but it was better than putting himself through such misery.
I felt myself wave to everyone as we joined them. Alex eating cotton candy, Charlie looked sick, Theo holding him and rubbing his back, trying his best to comfort him. Shane looked normal, like he hadn’t even gone on anything or done anything. Which was possible. Jason wore some hideous t-shirt he hadn’t been in earlier, and Micah held some photos they’d taken together at a booth.
Somehow it all just felt like I was someone else looking in on them all. They all kept talking and laughing, interacting normally. I felt like a fraud. Somehow I was friends with these people, somehow I was the one who was part of what people considered a core four — but I was just some phony sitting here and trying my best to blend in.
All of my veneers of trying to seem cool were crumbling around me, whether anyone else was able to see it. I’d been trying so hard to just seem blasé, to not care too much about anything. Was it getting to me? Was I about to crack?
I watched as Jason laughed about something with Alex and Brad, some kind of inside joke about their frat, no doubt. They all seemed to be so genuinely happy to be there, like they couldn’t picture themselves anywhere else or doing anything else.
Where was all this coming from?
Had Brad rejecting me done this much to my mental state in such a quick moment? I’d been okay with the rides and the greasy food. Things felt okay, normal. Like I wasn’t spinning on some big loop — but once Brad brought up reality, how other people would care, it’s like all of that was for nothing.
I felt sick, and for a moment I considered if it was just a bad crepe I’d had. That was crazy, though — crepes were never bad. Maybe I was about to get sick, but then it passed, and everyone just kept moving on.
“Did you even do anything?” Theo laughed as he asked Shane.
Shane gave him a withering stare. “Don’t assume I’m that much of a diva, asshole. Yes, we went on rides. I stomached a toffee apple after Alex insisted on buying like three of them. It was fun… I can have fun. ” He swatted him on the arm, a little sharper than was necessary.
“I’m sorry…I don’t think I’m cut out for many rides,” Charlie flushed a shade of pink.
Theo’s arm wound around his shoulders again. “Don’t be sorry, baby. It’s okay, you can’t help it.”
Even Charlie was more well adjusted than I was. Not that there was anything wrong with Charlie, but he was the one who self pronounced being awkward and not knowing how to interact with people. Yet here he was, part of things like nothing was wrong.
Swallowing my feelings, I tried to focus on their faces. On the way, the sun was shining through the clouds, streaming down on us. It wasn’t too warm, just a nice pleasant breeze drifting through the fairgrounds. If anyone looked at me, I probably just looked dazed. Or maybe I had some crazy look on my face that they were used to.
“You know…maybe there was something…” I heard myself say more than recognized I was going to say it. “I feel kind of sick myself. Maybe the hotel is a good idea.”
Brad looked at me sideways, like he was trying to figure out if there was some secret message there. I didn’t look back, or didn’t see myself look back at him. I wanted to joke and say that no, this wasn’t an offer to fuck. I couldn’t ask him to suffer that way.
“Oh? Was it the rides or did you eat something?” Micah asked, frowning a little like a concerned parent.
“Ah, who knows. That crepe was good, could have been that. Maybe I’m not as good at rides as I think.” I shrugged. Like I didn’t know what was going on. In all technicality, I didn’t.
I just knew I needed to be somewhere quiet for a bit. Refocus and re-center myself, maybe. Figure out where it was I was supposed to be.
Theo laughed. “Dude, you?”
I just shrugged, and no one knew what to say to that.