41. Dylan
41
DYLAN
I yawned as we loaded off the plane and headed back to the gate, feeling this sense of absolute dread come over me to mix with the tiredness. This was the hardest part, saying goodbye until the new semester started. At least I got a break, at least I got to see them for a while here. Usually the summer was longer, more painful, because it was day after day of silence.
“Okay, we have another flight to catch, but…thanks, Shane.” Charlie smiled a little.
Shane smiled, rare and genuine. “You’re welcome, Charlie, glad you came.”
Charlie looked as surprised as the rest of us probably felt.
Theo saluted. “Later, guys.” They turned to leave, both flying up to San Francisco, where Charlie lived and where Theo had parked his old clunker of a car to drive to his beach town home.
“What are you doing the rest of summer?” Brad asked Alex.
“Spending a little time with Shane’s family, then Jason’s. Then back to school like a proper tramp,” he laughed.
Shane put his hand on his chest and kissed his cheek. “Stop that. You can stay with us as long as you want.”
“I can only handle so much of your mom,” he joked, but smiled fondly.
Brad laughed. “Cool. Well, I guess we should go, right? The rest of us are driving or getting rides, so…my dad’s coming.”
I glanced at him, wondering if we were going to talk for even a small moment. The answer came as we shuffled our way through the airport, grabbing our luggage. Brad hardly even looked at me as we walked with the others and went to the exit.
Was this his way of trying to keep the secret? Just ignoring me as much as possible? That seemed weird, considering that was never the case when we weren’t dating or fucking. Or so I thought. Was all of this really changed just because of us admitting our feelings to one another? Even if he didn’t want to date me anymore…he didn’t even want to talk to me either?
I shook my head — I was overthinking again. It was weird that he wasn’t trying to even subtly take my hand or anything. Not even a little glance.
“Alright, I think I see him. See you guys,” Brad said with a wide smile, lifting his hand in a wave.
I lifted a hand limply, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t even look in my direction.
“Do you have a ride, Dyl?” Shane asked.
The pit in my stomach was growing by the second. “Nah, I’ll just order one. No worries. See you guys.”
As I watched Shane, Alex, Jason, and Micah all wander off, my heart sank again. Sure, I didn’t expect Brad would offer his dad to give me a ride or ask me along, or even that he’d do something particularly noteworthy, but I didn’t expect to be left feeling like this either.
I ordered a ride and sat on a bench as I waited for it to arrive. Humming, I quickly sent a message to Brad that I’d miss him. Maybe he was just excited to get back to his family. Not a feeling I could relate to — not anymore, not in a long time — but he loved his family a lot.
It didn’t bother me when he didn’t respond. He was in the car with his dad and they had a lot to catch up on. As I piled my things and myself into the car, however, I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
If I fucked things up with Brad, things wouldn’t be easy to mend. I was just me, and I didn’t have another friend like that. More than anything, I needed him in my life just as a stable, strong presence. It meant so much that he was always there to hang with me, and listen to my dumb thoughts or understand me even when no one else did. Or at least pretended to enough that I didn’t feel left out.
Sighing, I looked down at my phone, willing him to answer me. Just acknowledge it.
Nothing.
It shouldn’t have been surprising when Dad didn’t even realize I’d been gone, but it still was. It was like I was invisible in my own house, like I was moving through a fog of stillness, where nothing ever penetrated. Dad just wore that dazed expression, hoping to see Frankie or Mom, but I was the only one there. And I wasn’t enough.
All I could do was keep trying to make things a little easier for him again. Shopping and cleaning, trying to make sure he had things he needed. I refilled the household necessities and made dinner, leaving some for him in case he decided he had the energy to eat. He was capable of doing the things he needed to, if he really needed, but it was all I could do to try to make things slightly easier. To make sure that he could take care of it.
Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe it was just a waste of everything going on.
Most of my time I spent either silently in my room, trying to not be heard or seen, or somewhere out of the house. Skating through the streets or sitting on park benches, trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do. Sometimes I made music, but it felt like everything got tainted when I was home, like it was filled with this pitiful energy I could never shake off. It never sounded right when that happened.
I sat on a park bench, my skateboard under my feet. It was so much easier when it was all of us at the skate park. There was Theo skating with me then, and then Shane and Brad would be hanging on the benches when we stopped. The diner, the ritual of it all. Maybe I was spoiled by it, but I already missed it. This year would be the last for us.
I felt that more and more keenly by the day.
No messages on my phone. I stared for a long moment, as if willing Brad to message me again. He’d hardly said anything so far, just a few quick responses that didn’t require him to think for more than a second. I missed him. I wanted to ask him to talk, just so I could hear his voice, but I knew he was happy. If he missed me, he could have asked to talk to me too.
Instead, I called Theo. The odds were fifty-fifty if Theo would answer or if he was out surfing, enjoying his time like he did most summers. To my relief, he picked up on the second ring. “Dyl, hey. What’s up, man?” he asked, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
Something warm settled in me as I heard his voice. There was just this innate comfort about my friends, about knowing that they wanted to hear from me. Or at least didn’t mind hearing from me. Maybe it was also just because I’d hardly heard anyone’s voice in a while. “Mm, hey. Nothing, really. Just…felt like calling you. You’re not surfing?” Was it weird of me to call like this? It felt like it was, but I was learning quickly how much I needed to keep these connections.
“Nah, taking a little break for now. I surfed most of the day, so now I’m just sitting on the beach. Really nice out here.”
“You are the California dream, man.” I rolled the skateboard under my feet.
He laughed. “What can I say? I try.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat, not even able to make myself laugh. “Things aren’t great, Theo.” It didn’t have anything to do with what we were talking about, but I needed to just spit it out.
“Uh…what do you mean? What happened?” He sounded confused, but an edge of concern was showing in his voice now.
“Things with Brad…I…this is stupid.” We’d agreed to keep things quiet. I didn’t know why I felt this stupid, compelling urge to say something. Maybe because Theo knew all about keeping relationships secret, or at least about hiding things from us.
“Mm…is something going on with you two? Charlie and I kind of thought it might be…” He sounded so casual, like it was nothing.
Maybe it was. Maybe he didn’t really care. They’d been saying forever they thought it was, but no one seemed disturbed by the thought. Maybe we’d made everything complicated only for ourselves.
“Something like that…but I haven’t really heard from him. Things feel…weird. I’m kind of thinking I fucked things up.” My gaze focused on the grass in front of the sidewalk. One blade was longer than all the rest. What had happened there?
“What happened, though? Like…I might need a little context, man.”
I swallowed, trying to figure out what I should even explain to Theo. He wouldn’t judge me, I was pretty sure about that, but it didn’t mean I was ready to give him all the details. It felt like a violation if I told him too much about us, if I just disregarded what we’d agreed on. “I don’t…it’s complicated. I just haven’t heard from him and it’s starting to make me worry.”
“Wow, Dyl. This is the most normal I think I’ve heard you in a minute.”
I snorted. “Listen, if you’d rather have my thoughts about jam jars, I’m happy to switch.”
“How many thoughts can you have about jam jars?”
“Do you know who you’re asking?”
“Fair point. Okay, alright, I get it. You’re not ready to tell me more. That’s alright, but I mean…why worry? Brad is always kind of quiet during summer. He’s always busy with training and his family and things like that. You two have always been close…I’m sure it’s nothing. Nothing could break that.”
Somehow, the words didn’t make me feel much better, even if he was right. That was part of the problem. I was worrying about nothing. Brad was just busy and having a nice time. I only felt it more starkly because I was in this silent fog where everything felt like it cut deeper. “I guess you’re right.”
“Totally. And I’m sure if something is up, then…he’ll tell you, right?”
I nodded, even if he couldn’t see it. “Yeah. Maybe.” I swallowed. Everything felt heavy. “So anyway, about those jam jars…”