46. Brad
46
brAD
I was such a fucking idiot. That was all that kept running through my head. All summer long, I’d felt this weird guilt about how I should have made more of an effort with Dylan. Yet I never did — I just kept giving him half-assed replies and promises that we’d talk later that I never followed up on.
Something about being around my family fucked with my head, or maybe I was too busy thinking about the upcoming season and senior year, but it was all just a bunch of excuses. I didn’t need to hurt Dylan. That was the last thing I wanted. He didn’t need another person to hurt him.
He’d been my best friend for years now, and I’d been in love with him for just as long. Yet here I was, just fucking everything up for no reason except I was a coward and worried too much about what other people would think. I’d never seen that look in his eyes before. Even when he told me about his brother leaving home or his dad, I’d never seen him look so hurt as he had at the moment. I didn’t try to make things right.
My stomach was a pit of guilt all week. The game was coming up, and my parents were coming to see it, but I almost couldn’t focus on practice for all the worrying I was doing about everything else. The team noticed, but they only pushed me to train harder, to get my head back in the game.
I was trying my best, but it all felt so stupid having no one to talk it through with. Normally, I’d call up Dylan or meet him somewhere and we’d talk about it. He’d let me go through a hundred different plays the coach might throw at us or strategies we’d talked about, even though he didn’t care about football. He’d just listen and nod with that thoughtful expression on his face.
“So…are you going to keep being an idiot?” Shane asked, sitting next to me at the coffee shop the day before the game.
I glanced at him. Where did he come from? Was he hunting me down? Even though Dylan told me I should hang onto our friends, I hadn’t told them anything. Maybe that was part of me just being an asshole, maybe that was me being scared to put words to it. “What are you talking about?” I asked, lips curving in a hint of a smile. I didn’t know if it worked, though. Maybe it was more of a grimace.
“Mm, look. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not completely stuck up my own ass. Yes, I’ve been staying out of things, but I know something went on with you and Dylan. I don’t know what, but the look you keep giving is making me think you fucked up. Am I close?” His words were harsh, but his tone was surprisingly gentle.
I opened my mouth to speak, but then I couldn’t find the words. Shane knew us better than most people, and he was perceptive, even if he sometimes used that for chaos. Finally, I choked out, “Yeah. I hurt him.”
Shane’s hand fell on my shoulder. “Then make it right, Brad. You know him better than anyone. Do you want to lose him forever? Judging by what I heard from Theo, he’s not doing well. Fucked up his ankle, and he keeps blowing us off. I’m not telling you to fix it for my sake, to be clear — I’m asking if it’s worth losing him.”
I swallowed, my throat feeling dry. How could I argue with that? He was right. Everything in me screamed the answer already. Was it worth losing Dylan just so I could meet some expectations my family had? He’d made no indication that he wouldn’t like being around them, and they hadn’t spent enough time together for me to be so certain they wouldn’t like each other.
The thought of losing him made my palms sweat. How could I just sit there and let him walk away like it was nothing? When he’d been everything I’d wanted. He was my best friend, he was my boyfriend for the summer. I’d loved him for years, even if I didn’t tell him so until just a couple of months ago. What a fucking idiot I was.
“How do I make this up to him?” I asked, my voice breaking.
Shane looked at me for a moment. “I can’t answer that for you. It has to be something for just the two of you. Just…think of something that’ll prove what he means to you. Show him that…whatever stupid thing happened doesn’t matter, okay?”
After a while, a plan formed. Maybe it was reckless, maybe it was stupid, maybe it would blow up in my face.
But Dylan was worth it.
The game wasn’t just any Friday night game. This one was big, this one could get me that contract to go pro. My parents were in the stands, and everyone was eagerly hoping for us to win the homecoming game. It was enough to put all of us on edge, but knowing that Dylan was likely there, and that I had to make this right, was enough to make me feel like puking. I could handle pressure from everyone else.
I tried my best to keep my head on what was right in front of me. Protecting our quarterback, trying to tackle theirs, blocking the linemen. That was all I needed to focus on. That was all I had to do for the first half of the game.
Easier said than done. Everything felt hot and their team had a strong defensive line, but we kept them somewhat at bay ourselves, and by the time it was halftime, only a field goal separated us. Not bad, could still be anyone’s game.
We went to the locker room as the cheerleaders and marching band did their thing. I nodded along as the coach gave us a pep talk, but my mind was everywhere else. Even Jason nudged me in the ribs, trying to remind me to refocus my attention on the coach. I cheered with everyone else.
When we all went back out, there was time left on the clock for halftime before we had to run back out there. “If you’re gonna do it, man, do it,” Jason said.
I glanced at him. How did he know?
He was right, though. I glanced at the stands. I could see my mom and dad and little brother sitting there, watching the field. It took me only a moment more to locate my friends, and I was relieved to see Dylan with them. He looked sullen, his arms wrapped around himself like he was cold.
Shaking it off, I asked for the microphone. Confused, they handed it over, and I shook off the last of my nerves. Even if this was insane and maybe I’d get my ass handed to me later for it, it was worth it.
I cleared my throat and walked onto the field a little way. “Hi. I…know this isn’t really a thing, but I have something I need to say.” My stomach clenched. Where the fuck was I going with this?
A flurry of sound reached my ears, but I couldn’t make out anything distinct. It didn’t matter, this wasn’t for them.
Turning toward where Dylan was, I focused on him. “I’ve been a real idiot. I mean, I’m an idiot about a lot of things in my life. About everything but football — go Sharks!!” Cheers rang out from the crowd. “But there’s something I’ve been an idiot about. See, years ago now…I knew right away that I was in love. Maybe some of you think that’s crazy or cheesy, or maybe you get it, I don’t know, but I swore it was love at first sight. We became friends, and I was too chicken to do anything about it. Even though I knew how I felt about him.”
Dylan’s eyes were wider than I’d ever seen them. I could vaguely see Theo grinning, and Shane’s mouth hung open in shock.
Steeling myself, I couldn’t even look at my parents. It was enough they were there, it was enough they’d know everything. “So, I worked up the nerve…and it was great until I fucked it up. Because I’m an idiot,” I smiled, and I could hear a flurry of laughter. “Dylan? I know this might be…completely mortifying for you, and I’m sorry for that, but I want to prove to you how much you mean to me. I’m here telling everyone…my parents, the team, our friends, every single person here. That I love you. And I’m sorry for being such a fucking idiot all the time.”