Chapter 11
Ezekiel’s speech to his mother had succeeded in sinking me even further. Those were words I wished I could have said to my mother. She knew what she meant to me, but I’d give anything to be able to tell her again. Besides my grandmother, I was all alone in this world. My dad had disappeared years ago. He and my mother were married, but they’d lived together for years before they took the leap.
They split up when I was around two, but my last time seeing him was when I was four or five. I hadn’t grieved his absence in a while, but since losing my mama, I thought about him too. Seeing Ezekiel’s family didn’t help things, especially when they took pictures. They looked so close and happy.
After loading the last bit of decorations on to the van, we left to head to the hotel. Ezekiel had been busy with Jackie, making sure everything was wrapped up. I didn’t interrupt him to tell him I was leaving, but it wasn’t like he didn’t know where I was staying or my phone number to call me.
The ride back to the hotel was quiet, and I knew that was because no one knew what to say to make me feel better. I didn’t need them to say a word though. Nothing they could say would make me feel any better. It would probably make me feel worse. Death stung. It severed bonds. Those bonds could never be replaced. I just had to learn to move on and accept that it was time. God needed her more than I did.
By the time we got to the hotel, before I could get out of the van, my grandmother grabbed my hand. She didn’t say a word. She only closed her eyes and eventually took a deep breath. I wanted to believe she was praying. I knew this was just as hard for her as it was for me. However, I needed to draw from her strength at this moment. I was blessed to still have her. I nodded slightly as she stared at me.
We got out of the van and headed to the hotel entrance. I was somewhat tired, so hopefully, it wouldn’t take me long to fall asleep. Memories of the way Ezekiel consoled me flooded my mind. The way he held me as we swayed to “Rain” softened my core. He stared into my eyes nearly the entire song as if they were saying all the things he wanted to say. Knowing he felt as strongly as he did about me did nothing for my emotions.
As we waited for the elevator, I closed my eyes and thought of the lyrics. My self-control was hanging on by a thread concerning him. Like they said in the song, Sometimes it’s soft as a misty rain, that gently touches my soul. It cools the fire that burns in me, and I simply lose control. Maybe I should just let his love shower me. Although I knew love wasn’t part of our dynamic yet, his tenderness tonight felt like I thought love should feel.
Once we were on the elevator, Jerzey broke the silence and said, “Denishia, you and Ezekiel looked amazing together. I hope you plan to talk to him again.”
I gave her a slight smile. “Hopefully.”
That was all I gave her. I very much planned to talk to him again, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. People were known to let you down, and in my experiences, men were the worst. Ezekiel seemed so perfect, but they all did in the beginning, when they were trying to lock you down. I had to keep my eyes open and keep my wall on standby. I’d let it down this weekend, and I knew that had a lot to do with the loss of my mother, but I would snatch that shit right back up so quick, he would walk face-first into it.
After getting into our suite, I immediately started getting undressed. I’d made my desires known to Ezekiel. I told him that I was open to spending more alone time with him. It was already close to eleven o’clock. If I didn’t hear from him by midnight, hopefully he would call in the morning. When we left, all the tables had been broken down, and the crew was cleaning up. I saw them placing the flowers and bouquets in a separate location. I wasn’t sure what they would do with all of them, but I was happy to see they weren’t throwing them away.
By the time I got into some sweats and a T-shirt, my cell phone was vibrating on the nightstand. When I saw Ezekiel’s name, I smiled slightly. “That must be him,” Jamia said. “Get yo’ man, sis.”
I chuckled and slowly shook my head then answered. “Hello?”
“Hey, gorgeous. Can I see you tonight?”
“Hey. Sure. I have on sweats and a T-shirt. Do I need to put on something more presentable?”
“Only if you want to go somewhere in public.”
“Okay. Well, I’ll change just in case.”
“Okay. See you in thirty minutes.”
I ended the call, excitement flooding my being. Doing my best to disguise it, I went to my luggage and pulled out a pair of distressed jeans and a graphic T-shirt. I accented it with a long necklace, large hoop earrings, and some Vans.
“Okay! I see you, boo!” Jerzey said as I combed my straightened hair.
I rolled my eyes at her as my grandmother smiled. It seemed they could all see that Ezekiel was making me happy, simply by his presence. I didn’t know whether I was happy or just temporarily distracted and flattered by his admiration of me. Time would tell just how sincere he really was and what I was truly feeling. I couldn’t get an accurate gauge on my feelings right now, with everything that was going on.
After applying cherry lip gloss, I left the room, amidst their words of praise, and made my way to the lobby. Sitting on a chair near the entrance, I fiddled with my clothes, wondering if I should have dressed nicer. I quickly dismissed that thought. If anything, I wanted to be comfortable. If he couldn’t get with that, then he was barking up the wrong tree. My days of trying to impress someone simply by what I wore were gone. They could go to hell. If I liked it, I wore it. Plain and simple.
I was worthy of love and loyalty. I was worthy of attention and devotion. However, waiting on the right person to supply those things was what was frustrating, not to mention knowing who the right person was. Again, they all felt right in the beginning.
I glanced out of the window to see him in a car with his window down. There were still quite a few people at the bar, so I didn’t want him to have to get out and risk being recognized. I didn’t think he would be mauled or anything, but I felt like he would get approached for autographs. He was about to head inside until he saw me walk through the doors. Instead, he went to the passenger side and opened the door as he smiled at me.
“Hey, baby. You look beautiful.”
“Hey,” I said softly, not bothering to say thank you.
I supposed my thoughts of genuineness were all over the place. I already didn’t really know how to accept a compliment, but it was worse when I felt like it was only formality. He closed the door and quickly made his way around the car, back to the driver’s seat. When he got in, he drove off. He glanced at me and slid his hand to mine. “Despite everything, did you enjoy some of the party?”
“Yes. It was really nice. I’m sure your mother was surprised and extremely happy that you would do this for her.”
He squeezed my hand slightly and took a deep breath. “I know it was hard for you. I just want you to know how much I appreciate your dedication to your obligations. However, it wasn’t necessary. I would have still recommended you to colleagues. You had no control over what happened, Denishia. You are going to have to learn to take care of yourself and your needs first. You can’t burn the candle at both ends.”
I only nodded slightly. No words needed to be said in response. He was right, but reprogramming my brain to think that way was a totally different beast. I never reneged on my obligations. If I said I would do something, came hell or high water, I did it. This weekend was no different. I exhausted every avenue and ounce of energy within me to be sure of that. This party was tough, especially being that him honoring his mother was the focal point. Had it not been for that, I didn’t think it would have been as difficult.
When he reached a red light, he turned to me. “Are you okay?”
I turned to him, giving him a tight smile, and said, “Yeah… not really. I’m in my feelings.” I closed my eyes and asked, “Can we go somewhere private?”
“Of course.”
I could tell he was trying to figure out the right words to say to help me feel better, but he quickly realized the dilemma. I wanted to believe that he’d put himself in my shoes and imagined if that had been his mother. He’d probably be inconsolable for a while, judging by how close they seemed to be.
Ezekiel kept driving, and when we reached what looked to be a loft, he entered the code and drove through the gate after it opened. Surprisingly, I didn’t have an ounce of hesitation in me. My nerves had stayed put. I just wanted to relax in his arms. I wanted the tenderness and intimacy.
When he got to a garage, he parked then got out and came to my side to help me out. We walked in silence for a minute or so. Doing my best to socialize my way out of my head, I asked, “Did the party go as you expected?”
“It did. I was happy with how everything turned out, especially the flowers and the food. And I’m not just saying that because you did them. They were really beautiful. You’re so talented.”
“Thank you,” I said and looked away from him, paying attention to my surroundings.
“I enjoyed dancing with my mother, and I enjoyed dancing with you, holding you close. I can tell that you need that right now, and I promise to give you whatever you need in this moment.”
I nodded. He opened the door by inputting a code above the doorknob, then held it open for me to walk through. This place was beautiful. I expected it to be, simply by the outside, but he clearly had a professional decorate this. I couldn’t fathom that he was capable of executing this himself. As I looked around, smiling at the decorative canvas prints as well as the photographs on the wall, he appeared behind me.
“Your loft is gorgeous.”
“Thank you. I’m rarely here. Even when I’m in Houston, most times I end up staying at my parents’ home.” He slowly shook his head. “I guess I’m spoiled.”
“You guess? You mean you don’t know for sure?” I asked sarcastically.
A smirk formed on his lips as I stared up at him over my shoulder. Before I could get away, he began tickling me, causing me to laugh loudly. He didn’t stop until I was practically screaming.
“Let me stop fucking with you before these people ’round here call the cops, thinking I’m killing somebody in here.”
I giggled as I panted. He had me in here trying to catch my breath. He chuckled as he reached for my hand and led me to the sofa. “You want anything to drink, Denishia?”
“What do you have?”
“Probably whatever you want. Name it, and I’ll see if I have it.”
I smiled slightly, then said, “Crown Black or Hennessy.”
He nodded repeatedly. “I’m more than sure I can honor that request. I stay stocked up on Henn, Crown, and vodka, even when I’m at my parents’ house.”
I gave him a soft smile as he walked away to fix my drink. He yelled from the kitchen, “Do you want it straight?”
“Yep. No ice.”
His eyebrows lifted slightly. Whenever I drank, it was to drown out my sorrows. I wanted to be numb for a little while. I didn’t get pissy drunk. I drank just enough to feel tipsy, where I could actually relax. It was rare that I got a hangover. I didn’t consume enough alcohol for that. He came back with a small glass of what I assumed to be Crown, since he had the bottle with him. He set it on the coffee table and handed the glass to me.
He sat as I downed the glass. I could feel him staring at me as I placed the glass on the table. “I’m an experienced drinker, Ezekiel. Not to the point where I’m an alcoholic, but I can handle my liquor.”
He scooted closer to me and put his arm around me and said, “C’mere.”
I leaned into him and burst into tears. God, when was this going to stop? It was like being around Ezekiel brought out my true emotions. I could feel him kissing my head repeatedly and hear him saying, “It’s okay.”
I quickly sat up and tried to pull myself together. “I’m sorry.”
I leaned over and grabbed the bottle of Crown and poured another glass as he said, “You don’t have to apologize, Denishia. I just want to be here for you and whatever you need.”
I took a sip of the liquor and nodded, then leaned back into him. “I just feel like I’m lost. I know that things will get better as time goes by, but what do I do in the meantime? I miss that crazy woman so damn much.”
“I wish I had the answers, Denishia. I really do. The only thing I can say is feel what you’re going to feel. Allow yourself to feel it. Go through it. I’m going to be here every step of the way to love on you, cherish you, console you, and do whatever you need me to do.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, set my glass on the table, then stared at him. It was like we were going through the same exact moment from earlier. He lowered his lips to mine, and I kissed him passionately, refusing to let him pull away. He deepened the kiss when he slid his tongue to mine, and I deepened the moment even more when I straddled him.