Chapter 16
Fillis hadn’t seen Jesse in over a week, and she was worried. Whenever one of her boys went missing, there was always the possibility that they’d crossed over. That wasn’t likely with Jesse. Fillis usually had a sense of when the time was coming for someone to finally pass on to the other side. She’d seen it happen dozens of times over the years. When a spirit was finally at peace with himself, his past, his life, he experienced self-acceptance and a sense of belonging to the Universe. The main things that kept a soul earthbound after death were feelings of guilt and unworthiness. You crossed over to Paradise when you finally realized you were worthy.
Nothing had changed in Jesse recently to make Fillis think his time was near. It was far more likely that his disappearance had something to do with Lucy. Fillis hadn’t talked to Joel recently, either, but she’d seen him around and knew he was all right.
As Fillis wandered around Gettysburg, looking for Jesse, she met up with another one of her boys.
Adam Conrad, a private from the First Maryland Infantry, was sitting on the ground on Cemetery Hill. He had dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, and a permanent five o’clock shadow. He looked up at Fillis’ worried face.
“Who you fussin’ over now, Mama?” he asked, smiling at her. Though most soldiers called Fillis Second Mama, Adam’s real mother had been cruel and abusive. He considered Fillis his only real mama.
“Jesse. Ya seen him?”
“Not in a bit, no,” Adam said. “He still pinin’ over that girl?” Most of the ghosts in Gettysburg knew about the bet between Jesse and Joel, and that Jesse had fallen hard for the girl in the contest. Nothing much new or exciting happened with spirits around here, so gossip ran rampant when something interesting transpired.
“More than ever. You doin’ all right?”
“Yep. Just fine.”
“Good. You see Jesse, you let me know. Ya hear?”
“You got it.”
Fillis continued her search and finally found Jesse way out on Constitution Avenue, near Gettysburg College. It was close to the limit of how far he, or any of the ghosts who’d died in Gettysburg, could travel.
Jesse looked up at her from where he was sitting, which was under a tree not far from the busy road. Occasionally, there was some foot traffic as students walked to class, but for the most part it was cars that whizzed past.
Fillis stood over him. “You hidin’ from me, boy?”
“I’m hidin’ from everything,” Jesse said forlornly.
Fillis sat down next to him and waited until he was ready to talk. They watched the vehicles fly down the road. Cars, tour buses, and big trucks. When there was a lull in the traffic and the air grew still, Jesse broke the silence.
“She knows.”
Jesse didn’t have to elaborate. Fillis knew exactly what he meant. “Did you guys tell her?”
Jesse shook his head. “She found out the hard way. She tried to touch me.”
“Oh,” Fillis said, wincing. Both boys had voiced their concerns about what would happen if Lucy found out they were dead, especially if she discovered the truth by accident. It was one thing if they told her themselves, gently breaking the news that they were dead and then, carefully, proving it. “What did she do?”
“She looked at me like I was a serial killer who was about to murder her. Then she passed out and hit her head on a table.”
“Oh my… Is she all right?” Fillis asked. Oh, that poor little girl. Fillis had already begun to think of Lucy as one of her many adopted children, and it pained her to know how scared she must have been.
“Yeah. We stayed with her, you know, until somebody came to help.”
“I’m so sorry, honey. I guess it was bound to happen ’ventually, but I’m sorry it happened like that.” Jesse looked so sad that Fillis could hardly bear it.
“I know she could never love me. But now she thinks I’m a monster,” Jesse said.
They sat again in silence for a while. Fillis wished there was something she could do or say to fix this. “It’s possible she’ll come around. She got to know you both a good while before this happened. She’s got to know you don’t mean her no harm.”
Jesse nodded.
Fillis shot Jesse a sly grin.
“Whut?” he asked.
“Where did she try to touch you?” she asked salaciously.
Fillis’s words and expression made Jesse burst out laughing. “My shoulder,” he responded.
Fillis smiled. It felt good to hear Jesse laugh again.
“Hmm. It’s a start.”
“God, can you imagine if she really could touch me? I mean, touch me? And I have imagined, and I mean a lot.” He paused for a moment. “She would have been worth waiting for, you know what I mean?”
Fillis nodded. “Yeah. I know.”
Jesse watched the cars whiz past. “Wanna head back to town?”
“Sure, honey.”
They both got up and started walking back to the main, touristy part of Gettysburg. There was more to see, more people to watch in that area. There wasn’t much else for spirits to do than to watch the living.
“I was thinking. I might want to vanish for a little while, you know?” Jesse said quietly. “It jus’…it hurts too much.”
“I unnerstand,” Fillis said. She would miss him while he wasn’t around, but maybe some time away from Lucy was what he needed.
Joel spotted the two of them as they walked down Steinwehr Avenue. Fillis and Jesse sat down in their usual spots on the street, and Joel went over to them. He just stood there, looking down at Jesse.
“Whut?” Jesse asked abruptly, narrowing his eyes as he looked up him.
“I miss her,” Joel said sadly.
“Me, too,” Jesse said mournfully.
“Do you think there’s any way she’d ever talk to us again?” Joel asked hopefully.
“I don’t know. I guess we could go try to see her. Ya know, in broad daylight when there’s other people around.”
Joel brightened. “That might work. I could try to go see her. Your ugly mug would just scare her off.”
“No way. I don’t want you going to see her without me.”
“Well, I don’t think we should both gang up on her,” Joel said. “We have to approach her carefully.”
“No. Not we. Me,” Jesse insisted.
“Oh, ’cause you fell in love with her, you own her now?”
Fillis looked at Joel in surprise. So he’d finally figured out that Jesse loved Lucy. Fillis glanced over at Jesse, who was miserable enough without Joel causing more trouble.
“No, I don’t own her. And neither do you. But I know her better than anybody, so I should be the one to try to talk to her.”
“Since you did so well the last time?” Joel asked angrily.
“You think it’s my fault she found out about us?”
“Yeah, it’s your damn fault. You shoulda known better than to get so close to her!” Joel exclaimed. “You traumatized her!”
“Joel!” Fillis intervened. “Stop it, now. That’s enough!”
“You think I like that she’s afraid of me?” Jesse yelled. “You think I like that she prolly wakes up in the middle of the night screamin’ havin’ nightmares about me?”
The pain in Jesse’s voice was so raw, so real, that Joel fell silent for a moment.
“I never wanted to hurt her,” Jesse said quietly. He glared at Joel. “I will go see her. If for no other reason than to see her one last time. I need to say goodbye.”
Without another word, he trudged off toward the tavern. The idea of saying goodbye to Lucy was unbearable, but he didn’t see any other choice. He couldn’t continue to torture her. If she was still afraid of him, he couldn’t ever let her see him again. He’d never again be able to visit her, even without her knowledge, without remembering the terrified look on her face.
It had taken him 175 years, through life and through death, to find a woman like Lucy. He had a feeling he’d need another two centuries to forget her.