Chapter 21
Jesse sat on the steps in front of the Eternal Light Peace Memorial. The large monument was located on Oak Hill overlooking Gettysburg National Park. It was intended to be a testament to everlasting peace; the coming together of the North and the South into one perfect Union. The memorial was made of materials from Maine and Alabama and was funded by donations from both sides. Atop the monument was a flame that shone twenty-four hours a day, a light to shine in the hope for continued peace.
Jesse had gotten there early, hoping to spend a few moments alone with Lucy before Joel showed up and ruined everything like he always did. It was a quiet weekday morning, and there weren’t any tourists out yet.
Jesse groaned as he saw Joel, invisible to the living, walking toward the memorial. Couldn’t the guy ever be late?
“Delightful to see you, as always, Secesh,” Joel said.
“Likewise, Yankee Doodle.”
“Bet you were hoping to have some time alone with the lady,” Joel taunted.
“Nope. I was hoping to be alone with you, you sweet young thang.”
“You know she’s gonna try to make us get along,” Joel said.
“I know. Good luck with that,” Jesse said, scowling. It wasn’t humanly possible to get along with that despicable Lincoln Boy.
Jesse’s expression softened as he saw Lucy approaching in the distance. She was wearing blue jeans and a lacy, white blouse. Her long hair blew gently in the wind. “God, she’s so damn beautiful,” Jesse said softly, mainly to himself. When Lucy got close enough to see his face, Jesse would have to wipe that dreamy look off his face and act like he wasn’t desperately in love with her. For the moment, though, his devotion was written all over him.
Jesse put on his charmer face and smiled at Lucy. “Good morning, my lovely rose.”
Lucy smiled warmly at him. The morning sun highlighted her hair, and she looked like an angel standing there. The first few buttons of her blouse were undone, and the outfit was more revealing than her work uniform was. She wore a dainty, gold, heart-shaped necklace that glinted in the sun, drawing even more attention to her breasts. It took a lot of willpower for Jesse not to look, but he behaved. At least while she was looking at him.
Still looking at Lucy, Jesse said bluntly, “You’re still invisible, jackass.”
Joel faded in, and Lucy jumped a bit, startled. “Sorry,” Joel mumbled guiltily.
“It’s okay,” Lucy said. She glanced up at the steps. “Let’s move up a little closer.”
Lucy walked up the steps of the memorial, and Joel followed. Jesse trailed them, glaring at Joel’s back. He wished he could smack him right on the back of that big, blond head of his.
Lucy sat down on the ledge at the top of the stairs facing the monument. Both Joel and Jesse sat opposite her, their backs to the huge structure. Lucy shielded her eyes from the sun as she looked up at the Eternal Flame.
“Such a beautiful testament to peace,” Lucy said.
Joel and Jesse exchanged a wry look.
“Real subtle, Lucy,” Joel said wryly.
Lucy giggled. “I know, I know. I’m laying on the symbolism a little thick here, but really. Look at it!”
The boys obligingly turned around and looked at the Eternal Light Peace Memorial. They were unimpressed.
“I remember when they put that thing up,” Jesse told her.
Lucy sucked in her breath. “1938.”
“Yup. For the 75th anniversary of the battle. Old Franklin Delano was here and everything,” Joel said.
“You saw President Roosevelt?” Lucy asked with astonishment.
“Yep, we sure did,” Jesse said, not wanting Joel to get all the glory.
“That’s incredible. I can’t imagine how much history you guys have witnessed!” Lucy’s eyes lit up with excitement.
“Yeah, it was kinda neat. They had thousands of Civil War veterans show up to help dedicate it. It was kinda nice to see all those guys from the North and the South come together,” Jesse said. He looked up at the memorial, specifically at the flame that burned eternally. He quoted the inscription from memory, “An enduring light to guide us in unity and fellowship. With firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right.”
Lucy looked pleased, but the moment didn’t last.
Joel smirked at Jesse. “You know who said that, right? Lincoln. Abe Lincoln. Good ole honest Abe himself!”
“Yes, Joel. I know. You won the War to Suppress Yankee Arrogance. Bully for you.”
“Did you guys see anyone you knew at the reunion? Anyone you fought with?” Lucy asked.
“No,” Joel said abruptly. “Everyone I fought with and cared about was already dead.” He glared menacingly at Jesse.
“I think you guys really need to talk about what happened. I know you’re still angry after all these years. You must have your reasons, and I really can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through,” Lucy said. “But thousands of people died violently, tragically here, and most of them have crossed over. Be honest with me, and with yourselves.” She looked from one to the other. “Do you know why you’re still here?”
Joel stared at the ground.
Lucy chose her words carefully, spoke gently. “Do you mind if I ask how you died?”
Jesse raised an eyebrow. “Oh, hadn’t you guessed? Joel killed me.”
Jesse relished the look of shock on Lucy’s face. He couldn’t help it. He wanted Lucy to see Joel for the murderous monster that he was, not some good-looking guy in a Yankee uniform. Joel stared daggers at Jesse, but he couldn’t argue with the truth. He had killed him. And would probably do it again if it were possible.
“Oh,” Lucy said. “Well, I guess I’m not really surprised.”
“You’re not?” Joel asked. He looked a bit offended.
“Well, I suppose I figured one of you had probably killed the other and that’s why you hate each other so much.”
“Yep. That’s why. Joel’s a killer,” Jesse said, enjoying being able to make Joel the bad guy.
“Oh, so you’re going to conveniently leave out the fact that you murdered my best friend?” Joel snarled.
“Murdered as in…killed in the battle?” Lucy asked, trying to understand.
“Yeah, it was in battle, but it was still cold-blooded murder!” Joel shouted.
Jesse’s eyes flashed, and his good-natured disposition disappeared. He actually looked dangerous. He said menacingly, “Don’t yell at her.”
Joel looked at Lucy apologetically. “I wasn’t yelling at you, sweetheart. I’m sorry. You wanna know what happened? My friend Charles, my best friend from childhood, surrendered,and Johnny Reb here killed him anyway just for sport. Took his bayonet and rammed it into his belly.” With that, Joel made a violent, thrusting motion. Lucy winced, visualizing Charles’s violent death.
“He was not surrendering!” Jesse yelled suddenly, making Lucy jump.
“Don’t yell at her,” Joel mimicked.
“I swear to God, if I only had the strength, I’d wrap my hands around your neck so hard your face would match your outfit, Bluebelly.”
“Yeah, well, you can’t, you backwoods rube. You’re dead ’cause I killed you, and you can’t kill me back.” Despite the gravity of the conversation, Joel”s words sounded like a silly schoolyard taunt.
“It’s your damn fault I’m stuck here. Maybe if my death hadn’t been so violent I wouldn’t be trapped here for eternity!” Jesse hollered, leaning forward right into Joel’s face.
“Oh, poor baby. Your death was violent, as opposed to the rest of us who were licked to death by kittens?”
“At least you went quickly,” Jesse said, his voice suddenly going quiet.
Lucy looked at Jesse sorrowfully. “What happened?” she asked in a quiet voice.
“First, I was shot in the shoulder,” Jesse said, running a ghostly hand through the top of his right shoulder.
Lucy glanced at Joel, but Jesse shook his head. “Joel wasn’t ’sponsible for that one. Somebody else shot me. I didn’t see the guy. It was hard to see anything on the battlefield with so much smoke and confusion.”
“Oh, gimme a goddamn break,” Joel seethed.
“Shut yer mouth, you dirty Mudsill. I’m tellin’ this story,” Jesse said angrily. “You’ll get your chance to slander me soon enough.” God, how he hated talking about this in front of Lucy. As painful as it was when she had been afraid of him, her thinking of him as a killer was worse.
“Then, according to Yankee Doodle here, his best buddy was holding up his hands in surrender, plain as day, and I just bayoneted him to death because I just had nothin’ better to do that day.”
“But you did kill him,” Lucy asked, as gently as possible.
“Yes,” Jesse said softly, his heart heavy. He felt terrible for killing Charles, but the man was at peace and had been since the day he died in battle. His grieving family was long dead, too, so there was no one left to mourn him except Joel. Regardless of what Bluebelly thought, Jesse had always carried a huge weight of guilt over Charles’s death. Now, though, his sorrow was centered on the way Lucy was looking at him. Her expression was a mixture of sadness and disappointment. He feared that she thought less of him now, and the ache in his heart grew stronger.
“Did you know he was trying to surrender?” Lucy asked. Joel was ready to explode, but she silenced him with a look.
Jesse looked deeply into Lucy’s eyes. He wanted her to see the truth of his words. “No, Lucy. I didn’t know. There were bullets flyin’, smoke in my eyes and nose, and the sound of cannons was deafening. I did not know he was trying to give himself up.”
Lucy nodded. She believed him. Relief flooded through Jesse.
Jesse glared over at Joel. “Then I was shot in the head.”
“Yeah. I shot him. I had to avenge my friend. Plus, Secesh was standin’ there with a loaded musket and woulda got me if I hadn’t gotten him first.”
Lucy nodded again.
“You’re not gonna leave out the rest, now, are ya?” Jesse asked, glaring fiercely at Joel.
“Oh, I wouldn’t want to rob you of the pleasure of telling your favorite part,” Joel said. He shot a worried look at Lucy, clearly afraid of what she would think of him when she heard the rest.
“Old Lincoln boy here just happened to grab his regiment’s flag when the color bearer got shot down right next to him. And well, he was so completely nuts about his friend bein’ killed, that he thought it would be a great idea to impale my corpse with the flagpole. Stabbed my body all the way through my stomach.”
Lucy looked horrified and slightly nauseated. It was such a ghastly image, to think of Joel stabbing Jesse’s dead body all the way through. She looked over at Jesse, her face filled with compassion and sorrow.
“Thing was, though,” Jesse continued, his face becoming an almost unrecognizable sneer as his eyes bored into Joel’s, “I wasn’t dead yet.”
Lucy gasped and she covered her mouth with her hand. Joel continued to stare at Jesse, not wanting to look at Lucy. Jesse was thrilled to think she’d never look at him the same way again. Joel”s being a ghost might be scary, but it didn’t make him a monster. Impaling someone alive certainly did.
“W-were you still conscious?” Lucy asked, hoping to hear that he hadn’t been. “After having been shot twice?”
“Oh, yeah. I felt it. It was…”
Jesse stopped himself for a moment. He wanted Lucy to be horrified because he wanted her to hate Joel as much as he did. To see Joel for the horrible person that he really was. At the same time, he wasn’t trying to upset her. He’d thought about going on and telling her what it was like to die in such a gruesome way. However, there was really no way to describe the agony of being impaled to death by a flagpole, and there was no reason Lucy needed to know what it felt like.
“It wasn’t just the pain,” Jesse said, thinking that pain didn’t even begin to describe it. He spoke more quietly now. “But to die by the Union flag when I gave my life for the Rebel one.”
Lucy nodded and spoke in nearly a whisper, ”Yes. I know how much you love the South. Your home and your family.” She took a moment to compose herself, she looked like she might burst into tears. “Thank you for telling me what happened. I know this is very hard for you to talk about.”
Joel finally lifted his head to look at Lucy. Jesse was disappointed and even a little angry to see that Lucy looked at Joel with as much compassion as she had with him. She gave Joel a sad but reassuring smile.
“I-I know it sounds so horrible…” Joel began, faltering. He didn’t have the words to explain why he did what he did.
“War is horrible,” Lucy told him. “That doesn’t mean you’re horrible.”
Joel nodded, looking relieved. “I was angry. I mean, angry isn’t even a strong enough word.” He glared over at Jesse. “I hated him. I still hate him. But I thought he was dead when I stabbed him.”
“Like hell,” Jesse said, his voice still low and menacing.
“You really think I woulda done that if I knew you were still alive?”
“Course you would have!”
“Well, maybe I would have, you goddamn redneck. But I didn’t know you were still alive,” Joel yelled in his face.
Jesse yelled right back. “You ’spect me to believe you can’t tell the difference between a live guy and a dead one?”
“Not in the middle of a battle with people dropping all around me and with…with…”
Jesse laughed cynically. “Oh, you tryin’ to say you couldn’t tell what was goin’ on, what with all the smoke and cannon noise? You can use that as an excuse but I cain’t?”
Lucy could see that this discussion was going nowhere fast. “Guys…”
“You’d been shot in the head. You were lyin’ on the ground in a pool of blood. How the hell was I supposed to know you were still breathin’?” Joel demanded.
“I know you loved seeing that, boy,” Jesse said, his face inches from Joel’s. Good thing they were already dead, or this conversation would have already escalated into a bloody fistfight. “Me lyin’ there, bleeding all over your shoes. But you didn’t think I’d suffered enough.”
“Guys, why don’t we--” Lucy tried to intercede.
“That is not true, you motherfuckin’ hick. There is no way I’d have--”
“The hell you--”
“Boys!” Lucy shouted. “That’s enough!”
Stunned, both Joel and Jesse turned to look at her, taken aback, having never heard her raise her voice.
“Sorry, Lucy,” Jesse mumbled, ashamed.
“Sorry,” Joel said, looking equally contrite.
Lucy stifled a laugh at their hangdog expressions. They sounded like two brothers who had just gotten scolded by their mother.
“It’s all right. You’re allowed to be angry. I think it’s good that you’re finally talking about it.”
“It’s not like we haven’t talked about it, Lucy. I’ve known this clown since 1863. We’ve had this discussion a time or two,” Jesse said, glowering at Joel but determined not to lose his temper in front of Lucy anymore. So much for being a gentleman around her.
“Well, I’m not sure I would call this shouting match a discussion,” Lucy observed wryly. “I’m sure you’ve screamed at each other a lot, but you may want to have a calm, rational talk about it someday. You know, after you’ve had some time to cool down.” She sighed and looked from one angry soldier to another. “Maybe another hundred and fifty years.”
“At least,” Jesse mumbled.
Lucy looked at Joel somberly.
“What?”
“How did you die?” she asked softly.
“I never saw it coming,” Joel said wearily. “That’s why it took me a bit to figure out that I was dead, you know? Being a spirit like I am now, I was still conscious so it was kind of confusing. I didn’t know what happened, but another dead soldier told me what he saw.”
Lucy nodded, giving him time to finish. She looked a little sick to her stomach. Jesse remembered telling her that Joel”s body had been too mangled for a grave, so she knew his death wasn’t pretty.
“I was hit by a cannonball that was fired from a long distance. I kinda vaguely remember a sharp, searing pain but then it was over.” Joel grimaced. “Was pretty awful to witness from what I understand. Must have been quite a mess.”
Lucy swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry.”
“That was a goddamn cakewalk…” Jesse muttered.
Lucy turned to Jesse. “I’m very sorry for you both. I’m glad that I know now, though. I understand why you’re so upset with each other.”
“Not upset,” Joel said. “Hate. We hate each other.”
“I know,” Lucy said sadly. “But I like you both so much, and I wish you would get along. I think you’re both wonderful.”
Jesse grinned. “Who does that remind you of?”
Lucy looked surprised to see that Joel actually smiled back at Jesse. “Fillis.”
“Uh…who”s…who’s Fillis?” Lucy asked Jesse, looking a little worried.
“She’s, you know, like us,” Joel answered.
“Fillis is wonderful. She’s like a mother to us,” Jesse said.
Lucy let out a breath and smiled.
“She was a runaway slave. She got as far as Gettysburg when she died. She was here, you know, as a spirit, during the battle,” Joel explained. “Fillis witnessed everything that happened, and she has a soft spot in her heart for soldiers. She takes good care of us. We call her Second Mama.”
Lucy looked over at Jesse. “She’s that way with all the soldiers? I mean, even…” She wasn’t sure how to put her thoughts forward tactfully.
“You mean does she even love the idiots who were fighting to keep people like her in bondage?” Joel said, shooting Jesse a disdainful look.
“I was never fightin’ to keep people in slavery. And quit actin’ like you was fightin’ for some noble cause, because you weren’t!” Jesse said, his temper rising again. “I heard the way you Yanks talked about black people, and it wasn’t any better than the stuff our guys said!”
“What a bunch of bull!” Joel fired back. “You know what your problem is? You-”
“I’ve read about that,” Lucy said. She gave Joel an apologetic look for interrupting, but continued. “It was a very different time. Most people were just brought up to believe that blacks were inferior, no matter what side they fought on. Sure, there were some staunch abolitionists, but I’ve read that many soldiers on the Union side were pretty resentful that they were fighting and dying for the rights of black people. Is that true?”
Joel looked into her eyes, not wanting to admit the truth.
“I think we can take that as a yes,” Jesse said smugly.
“Even so,” Lucy said, shooting a look of reprimand at Jesse. “The South fought for many reasons, but keeping slavery was one of the main reasons they went to war. To preserve that way of life.”
Joel stuck his fingers in his ears and waggled his tongue at Jesse, which made Lucy burst out laughing. Jesse looked angry instead of amused. He was about to argue, but Lucy interrupted.
“So tell me more about Fillis!” Lucy said.
“To answer your question, Lucy,” Jesse said, “Fillis loves the Confederate soldiers, too. She knows me well enough to know the real reasons I fought in the war, despite what this Little Coot says.”
“That’s nice,” Lucy said. “I’m glad you have her to lean on.”
“Yeah. She’s an amazin’ woman, that’s for sure. She’d been dead a few months by the time the fightin’ started at Gettysburg, so she was able to help the soldiers adjust to being dead. She…” Jesse stopped for a moment, overcome with emotion. “She jus’…she saw right through my Confederate uniform and saw me for who I was. A lost young man who’d just been killed in battle. In life, most of us couldn’t see past that brown skin, but Fillis? She saw us for who we really were. She didn’t hold nothin’ against us. She just comforted us the best she could.”
“She just went from soldier to soldier, talking to ’em, comforting ’em, telling us it was gonna be okay,” Joel added with tremendous affection.
Jesse glanced at Lucy, debating whether to confess the next part. Lucy’s face was so full of kindness and understanding that he decided to tell her everything, even though he was afraid it might make him appear weak.
“I remember I jus’…I just broke down. I kept talkin’ ’bout my mama and what she would do when she found out I wasn’t coming back.” There was a quiver in Jesse’s voice as he spoke. “I knew she was gonna be heartbroken, and there was nothin’ I could do about it. Fillis…my Second Mama, jus’ sat there and cried with me.”
Joel looked at Jesse with uncharacteristic compassion. “Yeah, that’s our Second Mama. And she let me talk on and on about Emma and the boys, and she never seemed to tire of it. I don’t know how we would have made it this far without her.”
“Wow,” Lucy said softly. “She sounds amazing.”
“Fillis hates when we fight, too,” Jesse said. “And we should warn you, she”s been tryin’ to make us get along since the 1860s, and it ain’t happened yet. You got your work cut out for you if you think you can do it!”
“Is that a challenge, Private Spenser?” Lucy asked, looking in him in the eye.
“Damn, you’re sexy when you’re determined,” Jesse said, grinning at her.
Lucy”s cheeks reddened, but she held his gaze. “Challenge accepted.”