Chapter 22
Lucy had ordered Joel and Jesse to meet her at the picnic tables at the Gettysburg Visitor’s Center the following afternoon. She seemed to be getting more aggressive now that she was on a mission to help them, and Jesse found her newfound assertiveness extremely sexy.
It was a warm Saturday afternoon, and the Visitor’s Center was fairly crowded. Joel and Jesse were treated like celebrities in Gettysburg, particularly here at the Center. People took photographs of them as they walked by, and the two soldiers smiled and waved at people. If these tourists had any idea they were looking at men who actually fought in the real battle…
“Sorry we’re late,” Jesse said with a grin as they approached Lucy where she sat at a picnic table. “Just dealing with our adoring fans.”
“I see that,” Lucy said. “Do photographs of you actually come out?”
“Oh, yeah,” Jesse said. “So long as we’re visible when they’re taken.”
“And sometimes when we’re not,” Joel added.
“Yeah. Sometimes the camera will pick us up––or part of our image anyway––when we’re invisible. That really freaks people out,” Jesse said, sounding a little sad.
“That must be upsetting,” Lucy said with sympathy.
“Depends on the tourist,” Joel said. “Some people love that shit. Sorry. Stuff. They love that stuff.”
Lucy smiled. “That’s for sure. Must be thousands of people who come to Gettysburg just to hunt ghosts. What do you guys think of all this? All this hype over the battle? It must seem so strange to you.”
Joel and Jesse followed Lucy’s gaze and looked over at the crowd of people going in and out of the Visitor’s Center.
“It is strange, for sure,” Jesse said, thoughtfully. “I ’spose it’s good that people remember all the lives lost, but…”
“Sometimes the circus atmosphere does get to be a bit much,” Joel added.
Jesse nodded. “Yeah, the way they sell souvenirs and stuff, like the battle was some kind of show for entertainment. And you get a lot of real Civil War nuts around these parts. I mean, some people are just obsessed.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. I see people like that in the restaurant all the time. They come from all over the world to visit the battlefields.” Lucy looked at them curiously. “So, how do you guys feel about all the ghost tours around here?”
Joel and Jesse looked at each other before answering.
“I don’t know,” Jesse began. “Most of the time it doesn’t really bother me. I mean, I get it. People are curious about life after death. It’s only natural.”
“Yeah, for the most part it’s pretty harmless. People come out to get a good scare, especially around Halloween.” Joel said.
“Do you ever scare people? I mean, on purpose?”
“Sometimes,” Joel answered, and Jesse nodded in agreement. “And only people who seem to really, really want a ghost encounter. Sometimes I’ll try to touch somebody, but it’s hard. You gotta really concentrate on it, and it doesn’t always work. But if I hear somebody talking ’bout how they want to see a ghost, I’ll appear visible real quick. So they’ll have a story to tell when they get home.”
“Yeah, it’s easier to appear to someone than to try to touch them,” Jesse explained. “But it can really freak people out.”
“Yup,” Joel said. “Sometimes people think they want to see a ghost, but when they do, boy…” He laughed, but sounded a bit sad.
“Some other spirits aren’t so nice. Some of them are mean and are out to scare people.” Jesse’s expression hardened. “And some of ’em have scared little kids.”
Lucy smiled softly, and she seemed pleased to hear how Jesse was protective of little kids. He remembered her lovely smile the day she caught him playing with the little boy in the Yankee cap. She”ll make the most wonderful mother, Jesse thought. He felt a sharp pain in his chest when he pictured her having a child with another man.
“We’ve pretty much seen it all,” Joel said. “We’ve seen people cry, laugh, faint…”
Both Joel and Jesse looked at Lucy and smiled. She laughed self-consciously and tucked her hair behind her ear.
“You sure it doesn’t bother you? All the ghost stuff?” she asked with concern.
“Maybe a little,” Jesse said. Leave it to Lucy to realize how they really felt about the subject. “I don’t know. I guess I don’t like people to be afraid of me. I never wanted to be a ghost, you know? I’m still a man, and it’s hard to feel like it sometimes when you’re like this.” He gestured with annoyance at his body.
“Exactly,” Joel said. “I never wanted to be some freaky…thing…to be feared. I wish I could be a real man again, you know?”
“Well, I-I-I’ve always thought of you both as real men,” Lucy said. “When I look at you, I see two very handsome, strong men.”
Both Joel and Jesse gazed at her tenderly. She was blushing fiercely, and they could see it was hard for her to be so honest about her feelings.
Lucy spoke nervously, her words rushed. “And-and you’re still, you, you know what I mean? The essence of who you were--and are. Does that make sense? Your souls, the most important parts of you, are still here. And-and I think you’re both wonderful.”
“Thank you, Lucy,” Joel said softly.
Lucy looked at Joel, then at Jesse. “I mean you guys are both so…I mean, look at you. If you weren’t dead, guys like you wouldn’t give me the time of day.” She glanced over at the crowd of people milling around the Visitor’s Center. “People probably look at the three of us and wonder what two gorgeous guys like you are doing with someone like me. You could have any woman you want, dead or alive!”
For just a brief moment, Jesse let his guard down and looked at her the way he did when he knew she couldn’t see him. “Oh, Lucy you have no idea…”
Joel exchanged a look with Jesse as if to say, This is your chance. It was the perfect opportunity for Jesse to tell Lucy how he felt about her.
Jesse looked longingly at Lucy, wanting to tell her everything. How he had watched her work for months. How he”d admired her gentle sweetness, her beautiful smile, and how he adored her enthusiasm and dreams of making the world a better place when she became a teacher. How he”d fallen in love with her.
Joel hesitated a moment or two, giving Jesse the chance to say what he felt. He didn’t.
“Sweetheart, we’ve been roaming this earth for well over a century, and you’re the first living woman that we’ve really had contact with,” Joel told her. “You’re the one who caught our eye, and you’re the only woman who was kindhearted enough to give us a second chance, even though you were really scared. Anybody looking at the three of us should wonder what a beautiful, classy girl like you is doing with a couple of idiots like us.”
Lucy looked gratefully into Joel”s eyes, and he smiled at her. Pain seared Jesse’s heart as he saw the way she looked at Joel. He hated himself for not speaking up when the moment was right. He just didn’t know what to say or how to say it. He didn’t know how to express how much he loved her, so like an idiot, he said nothing.
“So!” Lucy said. “Tell me about life in camp. What was it like to be a soldier?”
“Who wouldn’t be a soldier?” Jesse said with a smile. “There’s another Civil War slang term for ya. It kinda means who cares? Hmmm. What was it like to be a soldier… Most of the time it was boring. Really, really boring.”
“That’s for sure,” Joel agreed. “The fighting was every bit as horrible as you’ve heard, but we actually spent very little time on the battlefield. Most of the time we were in camp or marching.”
“Dear God, the marching,” Jesse said with a groan. “Marching, drilling all the time. Hours and hours and hours of it and during all kinds of weather.”
“That sounds just awful,” Lucy said, but she was smiling. She loved it when she got Joel and Jesse talking about something, anything, that they could agree on. She was so patient, so kind. Jesse didn”t know how she could stand to put up with their incessant arguing.
“Oh, it really was,” Jesse told her. “And the food, what there was of it, was terrible. I know you’ve heard of hardtack. We also had desiccated fruits and vegetables.”
“What does that mean?” Lucy asked. “Desiccated?”
“Means dried out. Dry fruit and stuff.” Jesse made a face, and Lucy laughed.
“And we had this stuff called skillygallee,” Joel said. “It was like fried pork fat that we mixed with hardtack. Made hardtack halfway edible. It was still gross.”
“Our guys had coosh. It was beef fried with bacon grease and cornmeal,” Jesse said. “Wasn’t half bad, but it was kinda hard to come by.”
“Yeah, I know the rebels were awfully short on food. You’re so thin,” Lucy said sadly.
Jesse grimaced and nodded. It had been a very long time since he’d had a real, nourishing meal. Not that it mattered. He could barely remember what it felt like to be hungry anymore. He just hated that he was so damned skinny, and he hated that Lucy had noticed. She was concerned, which was sweet, but Jesse wanted so much to be strong and muscular for her. He would have given anything to have a physique like Joel’s, which just made Jesse hate him more.
“The Union army was much better fed, that’s for sure.”
“Well, if you and your raggedly old rebels hadn’t started the fight in the first place, maybe your scrawny ass wouldn’t have half starved to death!” Joel said with a dismissive wave at Jesse’s body.
“Oh, we started the fight? It was you guys who were tryin’ to trample all over our rights!”
“Gimme a damn break, ya redneck,” Joel said, his eyes flashing angrily. “That war had nothing to do with states’ rights. That is such a crock of--”
“Anyway!” Lucy interrupted sternly. “Life in camp.”
Joel and Jesse glared at each other for another moment, then turned softer gazes toward Lucy.
“It was mostly men, men, men all the time,” Jesse said. “Even before we died, it had been a long time since we’d seen any beautiful women. That’s another reason we love being around you, my lovely rose.”
Jesse loved the way Lucy smiled every time he called her his rose.
“That’s the truth,” Joel said. “We were around a bunch of dirty, filthy men twenty-four hours a day. We sure missed the company of women. In more ways than one…”
“Well, there were some women around if you, ah, missed that kind of company. You know…for a price, if you know what I mean,” Jesse said.
“I’m pretty sure I do,” Lucy said.
“We had a great nineteenth-century term for, you know, enjoying that kind of time with a lady, but it would probably make you blush,” Jesse said with a mischievous grin.
“Oh, everything makes me blush,” Lucy said irritably as her face turned that familiar shade of red.
“It’s cute!” both Joel and Jesse said at the same time.
“You’re very becomin’ when you blush, my rose.” Jesse said.
Naturally, Lucy”s blush deepened. She glanced at Joel. “I bet Emma never blushed.”
Joel laughed heartily and shook his head. “Not very often.”
“Well, I’m already blushing so you might as well tell me.”
Jesse grinned and said, “Horizontal refreshments.”
Lucy laughed and clapped her hands. “I love it.”
“Don’t forget ridin’ a Dutch gal,” Joel added.
Lucy laughed again. “That’s awful! And hilarious.”
“Joel, I know you were married and devoted to Emma, but should I dare ask if you…” She glanced at Jesse, then blushed more deeply and looked away.
“No, no. Not me,” Jesse answered. He shook his head and actually grimaced. “I mean, I’m not judgin’ guys who, you know, did that kind of thing. Life in camp was rough. Lonely. Frightnin’. You did what you had to do to keep from going crazy, you know? Ya gotta do something to help you forget the stuff you seen. The stuff you did. That kinda thing ”jus, ya know, ain”t for me.”
Lucy smiled shyly. Jesse could see that Lucy was impressed that he’d behaved well in camp, so he continued. “I don’t know. I guess it’s really old-fashioned––even for the time I come from––it jus’ seems weird to be so intimate with someone you don’t love. I jus’, I can’t imagine makin’ love with some girl that I wasn’t in love with.”
“Oh, that is so sweet,” Lucy replied dreamily. She put her hand over her heart to show how touched she was by his sentiment. “Have you ever been in love?”
A panicked look crossed Jesse’s face. It took Lucy a moment to understand what she’d said to upset him, but then she must have realized what she was forcing him to admit. Given his feelings about sex and love, if he’d never been in love before, then he was still a virgin. She didn’t want to make him admit this highly personal truth about himself, especially in front of his archenemy, Joel. She opened her mouth to stop him from answering before it was too late.
“No. I’ve never been in love.” Before you.
Jesse looked down at the ground and awaited the inevitable.
Joel spoke much more loudly than necessary. “Oh, my God, you’re a virgin!”
Jesse was too ashamed to look at either one of them. He’d been terrified that his secret would eventually come out, and now his nightmare was worse than he’d imagined. Joel’s harsh emphasis on the word virgin rang in his ears. Jesse had never been so humiliated in his entire existence, and he’d been around for a very long time.
“That makes you even less of a man than being a ghost does!” Joel said, enjoying a hearty laugh at Jesse’s expense.
Lucy whipped her head around at shot a fierce glare at Joel. “It does not!”
Joel’s eyes opened wide at Lucy’s sudden anger.
“It’s okay, Lucy,” Jesse said. “He’s right. It’s ridiculous that I’m…I’m you know.”
“It is not ridiculous,” Lucy insisted.
Jesse shot her a doubtful look and said, “You must think it’s pathetic that I’ve never been with a woman.” He figured she was just being her usual, kind-hearted self. She hated seeing anyone suffer, and she was just trying to save him from further embarrassment. Lucy would never see him as a real man now. He was just a scrawny, scraggly wisp of a spirit who’d had no sexual experience and never would.
“Of course it is!” Joel said. He couldn’t resist chiming in but had stopped laughing since he knew it made Lucy mad.
“It’s not pathetic!” Lucy said, shooting another furious look at Joel. She turned to Jesse, looking at him with tender affection. “You wanted to wait to have sex until you were in love? That’s not pathetic, Jesse. I think it’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard a man say.”
Jesse stared deeply into Lucy’s beautiful, brown eyes. It was the longest time he’d ever held her gaze, and as they looked into each other’s eyes, he could see she was telling the truth. She was always saying something nice, but he knew her well enough to know when she was speaking from the heart. She really didn’t think he was pathetic. She thought he was romantic.
“Most men don’t care about love when it comes to sex,” Lucy said, the pain clear in her voice. “Usually a man tells you he loves you just to get you in bed.”
Jesse knew she must be talking about Eric. Jesse knew about him from Lucy’s conversations with Theresa at the restaurant. Eric had been her first and only boyfriend, so he must have taken her virginity. Jesse wished to God he had the strength and ability to punch that bastard for hurting her like that. No wonder she had such a hard time believing him and Joel when they talked about how lovely they thought she was.
Joel just stared at the two of them, stunned at the reversal that had just occurred.
Lucy looked over at Joel, still irritated. “I still haven’t made my choice, you know.” She looked over at Jesse and smiled. “Jesse gets major points for this.”
“You can’t be serious!” Joel said.
“And you lose points for being an ass, Joel Casey,” Lucy admonished.
Both men were shocked at Lucy’s words. Then Jesse stuck his tongue out at Joel and Lucy laughed. She looked into Jesse’s eyes again, and didn”t look away this time.
Jesse could scarcely believe the way she was looking at him. His virginity had raised his estimation in her eyes, that much was clear. He couldn’t believe it.
Lucy finally broke away from staring at Jesse. “Well, I suppose that’s enough catharsis for one day.” She stood up to go. “I still think you boys need to work harder on getting along. I think making up with each other, forgiving each other, is a really important step in crossing over.”
The two looked at her skeptically.
“I’m not giving up on you.” With one last smile at Jesse, she turned and walked away.
Once she was out of earshot, Jesse knew Joel was going to make fun of him. He didn’t give a damn.
“I can’t believe it. The rebel is as pure as a lily. I better watch what I say around you. Wouldn’t want to make you blush, what with your innocent, virginal ears.”
Jesse grinned at him. “You heard the lady. I’m romantic. And you’re an ass.”
“You’re pathetic,” Joel said, but with much less enthusiasm than before. Jesse had won this round, and they both knew it.
“Hers is the only opinion that matters. Yours means nothin’, Blueballs.”
“Hah! Seems to me you’re the one with the blue balls.”
Jesse couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “Guess I kinda walked into that one.”
Joel grinned. “Yeah, ya did.”