Somebody's Darling

Chapter 26

Joel and Jesse found Fillis in her usual spot. She could tell something was wrong the moment she saw them.

“So…how did it go?” she asked. The boys looked so upset that she was afraid to hear the answer. Fillis knew it couldn’t have been easy to visit the spot where they died, but she also knew it was something they needed to do.

“It was…it was…” Jesse said, faltering. “Lucy…Lucy…”

“What happened to Lucy?” Fillis asked, alarmed at Jesse’s expression. She glanced down the road behind where the boys were standing, suddenly worried as she realized that Lucy wasn’t with them. Fillis noticed that Joel looked at Jesse with uncharacteristic sympathy.

Joel could see that it was too rough for Jesse to talk about, so he took over. “Well, you know how sometimes we’ve seen tourists experience battle pains? Like they feel how a soldier died?”

“Oh, no,” Fillis said. She looked at Jesse, whose devastated expression confirmed it.

“Yeah,” Jesse said quietly.

Fillis looked up at Joel and asked hopefully, “Your death?”

Joel shook his head somberly. “No. Secesh’s.”

Fillis’s hand flew to her mouth out of humanly instinct, even though it was no longer possible to cover her mouth with her hand in shock. “Sweet Jesus. Sweet Jesus! Is she all right?”

“Yeah,” Joel answered. “Yeah, I think so. We tried to explain what was happening to her and we took care of her the best we could. But it was…it was pretty awful. Worst I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh, my God,” Fillis said mournfully. “That poor little lamb.” Fillis couldn’t imagine what it was like for her to suffer through Jesse’s death. Lucy was like a daughter to Fillis already, and she had to fight the instinct to run off and try to find her, to see with her own eyes that she was okay. Lucy was most likely home by now where Fillis couldn’t go. For now, she needed to concentrate on comforting the boys, especially Jesse.

“You all right, honey?” she asked him.

“She kept…she kept beggin’ me to make it stop. And I couldn’t…I couldn’t…”

“And there wasn’t anything you could do. I know, honey. I know,” Fillis said gently.

“I couldn’t help her,” Jesse said in barely a whisper. Then his voice got louder. “I should have known. I knew she was sensitive to this shit, and I knew we were going right to where we died. How could I not have realized? How could I have done this to her?”

“Baby, I know, lookin’ back now, you think you shoulda known, but honey, none of us thought of it. We all seen it happen and none of us thought about it. It’s so rare, honey. It’s so rare. Must be forty years or so since I seen it happen. Jesse. Jesse.” Fillis spoke firmly, loudly, until Jesse finally raised his head to look at her. “We all love her, baby. None of us would ever do anything to hurt her. We didn’t know. You didn’t know. She’ll be all right, okay, honey? She gone be jus’ fine.”

“Well, there was one good thing to come out of all this, Second Mama,” Joel said with a smile. “Lucy said we’re not allowed to fight anymore.”

Fillis knew her boys well enough to notice the change already. At first, she thought Joel was being kind to Jesse because of what had just happened to the woman he loved, but now she saw there was more to it than that. Fillis could sense the change in them. There was a feeling of understanding between them. She never thought it would happen, but the hatred between them was gone.

“Oh, I see how it is! I been tellin’ you boys for a hunnert years to get along, and some pretty little thing comes along and you listen to her all of a sudden.”

“Yep,” Joel said.

“Pretty much,” Jesse said with a smile.

Relief flooded through Fillis. She didn’t care how it came about; it gave her such a sense of peace to think that her boys might finally start getting along. She felt awful that Lucy had to suffer so much, but her pain just might be what finally helped to set them free. Mending old wounds was a vital step toward crossing over. And by some miracle, Lucy had helped them to heal.

* * *

Lucy made it safely home,then collapsed onto the couch in exhaustion. She had never felt so utterly drained in her entire life.

Her mind whirled with the events of the evening. She”d endured more physical pain than she had ever thought possible. Even now, Lucy wasn’t sure how she had gotten through it. The trauma was still so fresh in her mind. She began to shake as recalled the searing throbbing in her shoulder, the sharp, blinding pain in her left temple, and the ungodly agony in her abdomen when she”d endured the flagpole impaling her. Lucy had truly felt like she might die. Thank God Jesse had stayed with her for the entire ordeal.

Jesse.

Lucy”s heart ached as she thought of him. When the agony of enduring his death wounds had finally subsided, she”d been furious. She had had no idea that feeling phantom battle pains was even humanly possible, but Joel and Jesse knew. She was so damned angry at them for allowing this to happen to her.

Until she opened her eyes and looked at Jesse. His agonized expression told him how sorry he was and how much he blamed himself for her pain. As she looked into his sweet, blue-gray eyes, so full of tenderness and sorrow, she knew she couldn’t deny the truth to herself any longer.

She was in love with him.

Lucy hadn’t wanted to admit the truth to herself because it hurt too much. She loved Jesse, and he was dead. That was why she had started sobbing all over again once the physical pain had abated. She”d been overwhelmed with the emotional pain of loving a man she couldn’t possibly have, and she was utterly distraught at knowing how horribly Jesse had suffered when he died.

As she had lain on the rock in Devil”s Den, she”d thought of all the horror stories she’d heard about the battle of Gettysburg and its aftermath. There were bodies strewn across the land for weeks afterward. The thought of Jesse’s suffering, dying in a Northern town so far from his beloved South, and the idea that his precious, broken body lay on the battlefield was too much sorrow for her to bear.

When Lucy had looked up at his face, she was consumed with love for him. Jesse Spenser was the kindest, gentlest, most wonderful man she had ever known. How she adored that boyish smile of his, and the way he always called her his rose literally made her knees weak. That look of pure compassion on his face as he looked down at her on that rock was heartbreaking. Jesse cared so much about everyone. Lucy knew she would never find another man as tender and loving as him.

And she nearly told him so. She”d been such an emotional wreck that she nearly professed her love right there on the battlefield. She went so far as to open her mouth before she came to her senses, realizing she would regret blurting out her feelings later.

Lucy moaned aloud as the tears began to flow again. Finally, exhaustion overtook her and she fell asleep.

Lucy slept for a few hours, and awoke when Theresa came home around nine p.m. She opened her eyes and rolled over, meeting Theresa’s worried gaze. Lucy looked exhausted and stressed.

“You all right?” Theresa asked.

“No. Not really.”

“You look like hell! What happened to you?”

“That’s going to require some explanation.” Lucy took a huge breath and let it out slowly. “I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything!” Theresa said, sitting beside Lucy on the couch and looking at her with great concern.

“I need you to get me drunk tonight.”

It was an unusual request coming from Lucy. Aside from the glasses of wine they shared together in the apartment, Lucy wasn’t much of a drinker. If she needed to get drunk, there must be a good reason. No questions asked, Theresa grabbed her keys.

“Let’s roll.”

They went to an Irish bar not far from the tavern where Lucy worked. Theresa didn’t ask any questions on the ride over, either. She knew Lucy would tell her what was going on when she was ready, preferably when she had a drink in front of her.

* * *

Not far fromwhere the women were headed, Joel and Jesse sat, invisible, outside of Meade’s Tavern, even though they knew Lucy had the night off. It was always entertaining to watch people here on a Friday, and there was a lot of foot traffic. In all the time they’d known each other, this was the first time they had hung out together, just the two of them, without Lucy or Fillis forcing them.

Jesse sat up suddenly and looked down the street.

“What?” Joel asked, following his gaze.

“Lucy,” Jesse said simply. He could spot her a mile away.

Lucy and Theresa headed toward them on the street. Silently, the soldiers watched the women walk past them and head into the Irish bar across the street from Meade’s Tavern.

“She still looks upset,” Jesse said, worry in his voice.

“I know. I don’t blame her.” Joel got to his feet. “We should go check on her.”

“No! We can’t.”

“Why not?

“I promised. We both promised we wouldn’t watch her without her knowing.” Jesse said, looking anguished.

Joel let out a frustrated moan and sat back down. “You’re right. She would be really upset if she knew we were watching her again, and Christ knows we’ve done enough to her already. But that doesn’t mean we can’t wait for her out here.”

Jesse nodded. They both sat and waited. And worried.

* * *

Theresa and Lucysat at a table for two instead of at the bar so they could talk in private. Once they were comfortably seated with a fuzzy navel for Lucy and a lemon drop martini for Theresa, Lucy was ready to talk.

“Where to begin…” Lucy said. “Well, I took them to Devil’s Den today.”

“Oh my gosh, that’s right!” Theresa exclaimed. “Oh, I feel so bad. I can’t believe I forgot to ask you how it went.”

“It’s okay.” Lucy took a sip of her drink. Then another. “It was so weird having them there together. I know they’ve both gone back to that spot where they died over the years, but I don’t think they’ve ever been back there together.”

“Wow. What did they do when they got there?” Theresa asked, eyes wide. She’d already drained half her martini. She could hold her liquor a lot better than Lucy.

“It was intense, that’s for sure. We got to this spot between some of the rocks. It was right where Jesse died. The two of them just stood there for a minute, glaring at each other like they wanted to kill each other all over again.”

“Wow, that is intense,” Theresa said.

“Then…then…” Lucy’s voice quaked a little. It was difficult for her to describe the terrifying events that followed. “Then I suddenly got this horrible pain in my shoulder. And I don’t mean just a twinge or an ache, I mean pain. It was horrible. I felt dizzy and I swear, I felt like I was gonna pass out.”

“Oh, my God. What the hell happened?”

“Well, you know how I’m really sensitive to ghost stuff? All that time I felt like I was being watched, and it turned out I really was? And I knew the exact spot where they buried Jesse?”

“Uh huh,” Theresa said, spellbound by Lucy’s tale.

“Basically, I found out the hard way that it’s possible for people who are really sensitive to feel the pain of a soldier who died in battle. What I felt was Jesse being shot.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

Lucy shook her head and took another gulp of her drink before she continued. “It was…horrible. I mean, I felt everything. I basically lived through his death.”

Theresa took a moment to let that idea sink in. It was a lot to comprehend.

“I-I mean…all of it…Jesse was shot in the shoulder, and then he was shot in the head.”

Theresa gasped. “Oh, my God, Lucy. Oh, my God….”

“And then he was…remember….that’s when Joel….”

Theresa closed her eyes, remembering how Joel had killed Jesse with the flag. “Oh, Lucy…”

Lucy nodded, tears spilling from her eyes. She was so grateful that she had Theresa to confide in. No one else in the world would believe a story like this, but Theresa would never doubt her.

The server stopped by their table. She hesitated just a moment when she noticed that Lucy was crying. “Would you like another?” she asked softly, gesturing at Lucy’s empty glass.

“Yes, please. Thank you,” Lucy responded. Theresa nodded at her glass, then smiled at the server, who rushed off.

Theresa reached across the table and grasped Lucy’s hand and squeezed it. She was silent for a bit, taking in what Lucy had told her.

“Lucy, I can’t imagine how awful that must have been for you.”

“It was. It was, Theresa. It felt like I was gonna die. But Jesse stayed with me. Joel did, too. They kept telling me to hold on, that it would be over soon. That I would be okay.” Lucy wiped her eyes and tried to calm down.

“Oh, man, I bet they both felt pretty bad.”

“Yeah, they did. They said it was all their fault. That they should have known it could happen if I stood right where Jesse died. They’d seen it happen to other people before.”

“Damn right should have known!” Theresa snapped angrily. “They knew it could happen, so what the fuck?”

The server returned with their drinks. She set them down and departed quickly, probably to less volatile tables.

“I know. That’s what I thought, too. But they’ve only seen it a few times. It’s really rare. They would never do anything to hurt me on purpose.”

Theresa took another sip of her drink. She still looked severely pissed off.

“The thing is, I think having me go through it really helped them in a way.”

“Oh, goody for them!” Theresa said irritably. “You got to experience being shot and brutally murdered, but they’re better than ever!”

Lucy laughed out loud, the alcohol clearly taking effect.

“You better take it easy on that, hon,” Theresa said, looking at Lucy”s glass.

“I’m fine!” Lucy said much more loudly than she usually spoke. “But really. It helped. It did help. It was like they had to live it all over again, too. Trust me, Theresa they feel bad. Like, really bad. But seeing how horrible it was made them kind of realize they both suffered a lot. They realized that nobody’s really the bad guy.”

“You mean they made up?”

“Yeah. They did. I mean, I don’t know if it’ll last, but I think it will. They just seemed different.” She looked at Theresa with a smile. “They don’t hate each other anymore.”

“That’s incredible. And very hard to imagine.”

“I can’t believe the difference it made. I mean, knowing what I know now… If I’d have known it would happen, I wouldn’t have…” Lucy thought about it. The experience was horrific and terrifying, but what if it helped them cross over? “I don’t know--maybe I would still have gone. For them.” For him.

Theresa looked at her with renewed concern. “Is that all that’s bothering you? Wait, that didn’t come out right. I didn’t mean, oh, is that all, you were shot and stabbed. I just mean, I get the feeling there’s something else.”

Lucy fell silent for a moment, staring at her nearly empty glass. As always, Theresa gave her time and space to talk when she was ready.

Finally, Lucy lifted her tear-filled eyes and said softly, “I love him.”

Theresa smiled sadly. There was no need to elaborate on who “him” referred to.

“I might have known,” Theresa said. “I can understand why, Lucy. He’s so sweet and cute and perfect for you. You know, aside from being dead.”

Lucy laughed loudly again, a sound that was dangerously close to a sob. She took a sip from her third fuzzy navel. “You really think he’s perfect for me?”

“Oh, yeah. Definitely.”

Lucy absent-mindedly ran her finger along the outside of her glass. “If things were different…do you think he could have loved me?”

“Of course. He’s crazy about you now! I can’t imagine how he would feel if you two actually had a chance. I think he’d fall for you in a minute. You know what they say; in another time, in another place…”

Lucy nodded sadly, but there was sorrow and doubt in her eyes. She thought if Jesse were alive, he would have met some tall, beautiful Southern girl to spend his life with. A real yellow rose of Texas, not a short Yankee like her.

“I really want to help them, you know? I want to help them cross over. I want to reunite Joel with his wife and those precious babies of his. I want to help Jesse, too. Wandering aimlessly around Gettysburg for an eternity is no kind of life. It’s not a life at all! It’s just that…”

“What?”

“I’m going to miss him so much if he crosses over…” Lucy closed her eyes and tried not to cry.

“I know, honey.”

Lucy opened her eyes. “But I can’t let that stop me. I’m going to help them.”

Lucy looked so tired, the alcohol and the traumatic events of the day catching up to her.

“Let’s go home. You need rest,” Theresa told her. She paid the bill, ignoring Lucy’s protestations, and helped Lucy to her feet.

* * *

When they gotout onto the street, it became apparent that Lucy was in worse shape than she had thought. Theresa put her arm around her and gripped her tightly to help her to walk. It was a good thing they hadn’t parked too far away.

Jesse sat up the moment he saw them. “There she is!”

Now visible to the living, both Joel and Jesse stood up and walked over to the women. Lucy spied Jesse, and she let out a deep, mournful sigh.

“He had to show up right now,” Lucy muttered, her heart breaking just looking at him. She’d been drinking all night to try to forget the pain of loving a man she could never have, and here he was.

Jesse could see that Lucy was not happy to see them. Fear struck his heart. She was finally sick of them, and who could blame her? She’d tried so hard to help them and all they did was cause her grief. From that time in the tavern when he’d terrified her so much that she’d passed out to the horror she’d experienced at Devil’s Den, why should she be glad to see them?

“It figures you would be here,” Lucy said, slurring a bit. Theresa gripped her tighter to keep her standing.

Joel and Jesse exchanged a worried look. They weren’t used to seeing Lucy like this. She rarely drank, and they both knew damn well they were the reason she’d gone out tonight and over-imbibed. It wasn’t much different than when soldiers in camp drank to forget the horrible things they’d seen in battle.

“You know, you know, you know…what happened to me at Devil’s Den today?” Lucy asked, swaying a bit.

Jesse winced at the mention of what happened to her on the battlefield.

“I’d go through it all over again,” Lucy continued. “I would. I”d go through that all over again if I thought it would help you. I’d do anything for you, Jesse. Because I love you.”

Jesse’s eyes opened wide. He stared at Lucy with astonishment, her lovely brown eyes filled with sorrow. Because she was impaired by alcohol, her feelings were laid bare before him. It was like looking into his own soul. She looked every bit as helpless and heartsick as he always felt when he was with her. Was it really possible that she loved him, too?

He looked over at Joel to confirm that he’d actually heard what he thought he’d heard. Joel looked equally shocked.

“Lucy!” Theresa cried, horrified. “She’s hammered. She doesn’t know what she’s saying.” Theresa glared at Jesse, as if he had somehow coerced her confession.

“What?” Jesse asked, his eyes full of hope. He knew he was taking advantage of Lucy during an achingly vulnerable moment, but he had to know the truth. “What did you say, Lucy?”

“Stop it!” Theresa yelled at Jesse. “She’s drunk, dammit!” She hugged Lucy closer and pulled her down the street, trying to save her from herself. Lucy broke free and looked back at Jesse.

“I said I love you. I love you even though you’re dead. You always say you were nobody’s darling. You’re somebody’s darling now, Jesse.” Lucy’s eyes filled with tears as she looked at him. Her voice cracked with emotion. “You’re my darling.”

Lucy started to weep openly, and Theresa pulled her to her chest. “Come on, Lucy. Come on, honey. Let’s go.” Theresa glared fiercely at both Joel and Jesse. “She doesn’t know what she’s saying. She’s upset because of the torture she went through because of you two morons.”

Still holding Lucy to her chest, Theresa started walking with her down the street.

“Theresa!” Jesse called after her.

Theresa turned back, her eyes still blazing.

“Get her home safely,” Jesse pleaded.

“I will,” Theresa promised, her expression softening a bit.

The two men watched as Theresa helped Lucy get to the car. As always, Jesse lamented that he couldn’t pick Lucy up and carry her. He looked both ways as if trying to cross a street, then became invisible once he saw nobody was looking. Joel did the same so they could talk in private.

They exchanged stunned looks for a second, then Jesse spoke. “Do you think she meant it?”

“Yes,” Joel answered definitively. “Yes, I do.”

“I don’t know. She was pretty tight,” Jesse said, using the old-fashioned term for hammered.

“Exactly! That’s why she told you the truth. You know how she is. She could never come out and say something like that if she was sober. And she was so upset. Poor Lucy. But…the way she looked at you…yes. Yes, I think she really loves you.”

“I want to believe it. I really do,” Jesse said. He glanced down the street where the women had disappeared.

Joel chuckled softly and shook his head. “Poor girl. She’s gonna wake up tomorrow and remember what she said and wanna kill herself.”

Jesse moaned with empathy for Lucy’s plight. “You’re right. My poor rose. She’s gonna be so embarrassed.”

“I know. But not for long. You’ll fix it. The second you see her.”

“Yes, I will,” Jesse said with determination. “I hope she meant it. I really do. But even if she didn’t, even if it was just a drunken mistake, I’m gonna tell her that I love her.” Jesse smiled, more to himself than to Joel.