Somebody's Darling

Chapter 25

Fillis and Lucy patiently waited together in Fillis”s usual spot near The Regimental Quartermaster. They were ready to present a united front in order to help the soldiers. It was for their own good. The guys finally showed up to find both women standing, arms folded, looking determinedly at the boys.

“Oh, man. I think we’re in trouble,” Jesse said as he approached. The affection he had for both women was clear by his smile and the look in his twinkling blue-gray eyes.

“It was Secesh who broke the window, Ma. I swear!” Joel said, throwing up his hands, showing his innocence.

Lucy struggled not to laugh. She straightened up, putting her determined face back on.

“Okay. What’d we do now?” Jesse asked, waiting for his inevitable punishment.

“Lucy thinks it would be good for you both to take a trip to Devil’s Den, together, and I agree,” Fillis said.

The soldiers looked wearily from Fillis to Lucy. They could see they had little chance of getting out of this assignment.

“I don’t see what good it would do,” Jesse said. “We’ll just be yellin’ at each other there instead of here.”

Joel nodded, his expression tightening.

“You might as well just agree to do it, because we’re not gonna stop hounding you about it,” Lucy said firmly.

Joel shot a grim look at Jesse, who nodded.

“Good!” Fillis said with a grin. “And you two need to behave yourselves around the lady. I know how you boys get when you’re together. I don’t want no screamin’ and yellin’ and carrying on, and you watch your language.”

“Of course we will!” Jesse said indignantly.

“I don’t even mind if you scream and yell, and I’ll even let the language slide. Just this once,” Lucy said with a sly smile aimed in Jesse’s direction. She was a grown woman, and she didn’t mind bad language. It was doubtful the boys could say anything she hadn’t heard a hundred times before, but still. She found it sweet that Jesse was careful to behave like such a gentleman around her. He treated her like a lady. Most men didn’t.

“Good thing. I really can’t promise I won’t scream at Rebel Boy here,” Joel said, glaring at Jesse.

“It’s okay to be angry. The whole point is to go back to where it happened and say what you need to say. You need to get it out of your systems. Talk about it. Yell about it. I don’t care. But stop avoiding it!” Lucy said.

Jesse looked at Lucy and nodded. He looked miserable and Lucy knew he didn’t want to go through this torture, but he was willing to do what she asked.

“You sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Fillis asked Lucy, looking concerned.

“No. It’s all right. I can handle them,” Lucy said.

“Okay,” Joel said wearily. “Let’s get this over with.”

* * *

The three metup on Sykes Avenue around Little Round Top. Lucy parked her car there so they could walk together. There were plenty of places to park right in front of Devil’s Den, but she said she wanted to have some time to walk and talk with Joel and Jesse, kind of ease them into the situation.

They greeted her with a smile when she got out of her car, but the tension was clear on their faces.

“You guys aren’t going to hate me for making you do this, are you?” she asked.

“Of course not, sweetheart,” Joel said.

“We could never hate you, Lucy,” Jesse said. His tone was gentle but full of distress. It was a sad place for Joel, too, but he visited so often it was familiar.

Jesse looked ahead, his dread growing by the minute. As much as hated this journey, he wondered if finally facing what had happened at Devil’s Den would free him from some of his anxiety. He was worried how he and Joel would react, though, being on the battlefield together. Jesse always tried to be respectful when Lucy was around, but there were many times he’d almost forgotten she was there when he got to fighting with Joel. His anger took over and he felt out of control.

There were few people out on the road as it was late afternoon on a Tuesday. They’d deliberately chosen that time because there was likely to be nobody out on the rocks of the Den. On weekends, particularly if the weather was good, there could be dozens of tourists visiting and climbing on the huge rocks.

They approached Devil’s Den in silence. Lucy took a deep breath as she looked out across the land, up at the mountainous rocks, then back down at the boulders below. She closed her eyes.

“You all right, Lucy?” Jesse asked, looking at her with concern.

She opened her eyes and nodded. “Yes. It’s just…so sad. I’m sorry for what happened to you both.”

“Thanks, sweetheart,” Joel said. Though the men hated being near each other, especially here, Lucy’s presence helped soften their mood.

They stood looking around for a moment, both taking the time to reflect and being unsure of what to do next.

“Where did it happen?” she asked quietly.

Jesse looked over to his left and gestured with his hand. “Over there,” he said in a small voice.

“I’m sorry, Jesse. I know this is very hard for you.”

Jesse smiled at her. “Well, you know I would do anything for you, my lovely rose.”

Jesse walked slowly over toward some of the large boulders. He stood in the middle of the huge outcropping of rocks. He put his head down. Lucy let out a shaky breath, then walked over to where Jesse was standing. Jesse looked up and offered her a sad but grateful smile.

Joel”s expression hardened, his fury quickly bubbling to the service. Lucy”s attempts to comfort Jesse made him angry. As far as Joel was concerned, Jesse was the bad guy.

“Joel,” she began gently. “Will you come over here with us?”

Joel’s anger softened. It was impossible for him to stay mad at her.

Joel walked over to Jesse and Lucy.

The two men stood, face-to-face, eye to eye. Their emotions were raw, the anger between them making it hard for either of them to put their feelings into words, even after all the time that had passed.

Lucy gasped suddenly. The sound of air rushing into her lungs as she took a sudden, huge breath was startlingly loud in the stillness of the battlefield.

It was clear that something was horribly wrong the moment they turned to look at her. Her face drained of color, and she looked like she did the night she found out that Jesse was a ghost.

“Lucy?” Jesse asked, alarmed at her sudden paleness and pained expression. “What is it? What’s the matter?”

“I-I don’t know…” she said. She grabbed her right shoulder with her left hand. “My-my shoulder hurts. It’s really bad…” Lucy moaned and slumped against one of the rocks, holding on to her shoulder like she’d been shot.

Like she’d been shot.f

“Oh, God, no…” Jesse said, staring at Lucy in horror.

Jesse looked up at Joel, a panicked look on his face. They locked eyes, and Joel realized what was happening to her.

It was around five o’clock, the time Jesse had died, and they were standing on the exact spot where it had happened.

Dear God, Jesse thought, his ghostly body suddenly heavy with dread. I knew she was sensitive. How could I not have realized this could happen to her?

Even though both Joel and Jesse had seen it before, it was extremely rare for a person standing on one of the battlefields to experience the mortal wounds of a long-dead soldier. They’d witnessed it maybe three or four times in the fifteen decades they’d been in Gettysburg. Rare, but not impossible.

Jesse leaned in close to where Lucy was slumped against the rock for support. He tried to stem the rising panic in his voice as he spoke. “Listen to me, Lucy. It’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be all right, I swear to you. We’ve…we’ve seen this happen before.” Guilt dripped from his words.

“What’s happening to me?” Lucy shrieked. She looked into Jesse’s eyes, terrified.

My death. You’re experiencing my death.

“It’s…you’re….you’re experiencing phantom pains…from the battle.”

“Phantom?” Lucy said, her eyes wide with terror. There was nothing phantom about the agonizing pain she was in.

“I know it feels real,” Jesse said with great anguish. “It’s…it’s my death, darling. You’re feeling what I felt because you’re very sensitive and you’re standing right where I died…but-but it’s not going to hurt you. I-I mean, when it’s over, you’re not gonna be hurt. It’ll all stop. I swear to God, Lucy, it’s going to stop, and you’re going to be fine.”

Jesse tried his best to keep eye contact with her to keep her from panicking further. The only time he broke away from her gaze was to look over at Joel, who shot him a terrified look. They both knew exactly what was going to happen to Lucy over the next few minutes.

Lucy held onto her shoulder, taking huge breaths as she tried to cope with the pain of being shot. “Why-why didn’t you tell me this could happen? Why didn’t you warn me?”

“Oh, Lucy, I’m so sorry,” Jesse said, his voice barely a whisper. “I’ve only seen it happen a few times, and it must be thirty or forty years since I last seen it. I-I just didn’t think…”

Lucy looked up at him, tears spilling from her eyes. Her breaths came in great gasps.

Goddammit, I should have known. My fault, my fault, my fault. I should have known. I should have known…

“This is what happened when you died?” she asked, looking into his eyes.

Jesse nodded. A fresh sense of horror filled him. He didn’t want to see it in her eyes, the moment she remembered exactly how he’d died and what was coming.

“How-how long did it take you to die?”

“Not long, darling. Not long. I promise,” Jesse said, looking into her pleading eyes. She was in too much pain to think clearly, to remember the details. He knew, no matter how much he didn’t want to, he had to warn her about what was coming. God, he didn’t want to see her face when he reminded her of how he died.

“Lucy, I was shot again. After the shoulder. Right here…” Jesse sorrowfully pointed to his left temple.

Lucy gripped her shoulder tighter and her eyes filled with tears of horror. “It’s--it’s going to happen again? Jesse, please…no, please….”

Jesse wanted to squeeze his eyes shut. Her torture was too much for him to bear. But he knew he had to stay with her.

Joel went over to Lucy and leaned down so he could look into her eyes.

“Joel,” she pleaded weakly. “Please help me.”

Joel clenched his cursed ghost hands, and Jesse could see Joel felt as helpless as he did. Joel was so strong in life. It would have been nothing for him to pick up Lucy and carry her away from here if he were still alive.

“Sweetheart, try to lie down. Right over here.” Joel got up and pointed to the flat rock. She was going to have to practically drag herself there.

“Good idea!” Jesse said, sounding relieved that there was at least something they could do. Lucy looked dizzy and seemed to have trouble focusing. “Lucy! Come over here, my love. Lie down.”

Lucy’s entire body was shaking, but she managed to stand up. She unsteadily followed Jesse’s lead. She stumbled over and was about to climb up on the flat rock when the phantom bullet struck her in the head.

Joel watched in horror as Lucy grabbed her temple and her agonized scream echoed across the rocky terrain.

“Lucy,” Jesse croaked weakly.

Jesse looked up to see Joel staring at her. Joel’s voice was barely a whisper. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ, how could we let this happen to her…”

It was their worst nightmare come true. They’d always worried about walking her to her car, all the while knowing if something happened they couldn’t save her. Now, it was like Lucy was being brutalized by an unseen attacker and they were powerless to stop it.

Jesse was frozen in terror. Goddamn it, pull your shit together. Help her. Do something! He knew he had to get his own panic under control if he was going to get her through this.

“Lucy, try to get up on the rock. Please. You gotta try to lie down.”

Lucy was sobbing openly now. She tried to grab onto the rock, but she slid down, tearing the skin on her leg in the process.

Jesse tried to focus on helping her, pretending his heart wasn’t ripping in half as he watched her suffer. She’s so pale. Dear God, she’s so pale… He winced as he saw the blood from her cut start to run down her leg.

“My love, try to lie down. Please. You can do it. Pull yourself up and lie down,” Jesse told her.

Lucy somehow managed to get on top of the boulder and lie flat on her back.

“That’s it, darlin’. That’s it. Rest.”

Lucy stopped shaking when she lay down on the rock. She stopped crying, and her sudden silence scared Jesse. She was even paler than before, and her lips were turning blue.

“She’s not getting enough oxygen,” Joel said, rushing to her side. “Breathe, Lucy. Please, breathe! Try to take a deep breath.”

Lucy struggled to take a breath and she said in a frighteningly weak voice, “It hurts…it hurts…”

“I know, darling. I know,” Jesse said as he stood over her. “Look at me. Please. Look at me!”

Lucy looked up at him but she couldn’t focus. Her eyes fluttered shut.

“Lucy!” Jesse pleaded. “Please!”

Jesse pressed his hand to her forehead. The chill of his ghostly touch startled her, and her eyes opened.

“Good!” Joel yelled. “Do it again!”

Jesse touched his hand to her cheek, and the cold seem to revive her a little more. Then he closed his eyes. Concentrating, he gathered all of his strength the way he had when Lucy had collapsed at the restaurant.

Joel watched him, trying to figure out what he was planning to do.

Jesse opened his eyes, then bent down and kissed Lucy on her forehead.

Lucy gasped. “I felt that. I felt you!” His lips had actually felt warm. She was so shocked at being able to actually feel him that she regained her focus.

Jesse smiled sadly and nodded. Then he faded from view.

“No!” Lucy shrieked. “Don’t leave me, Jesse!”

Joel leaned down close to her face. “He didn’t leave you, sweetheart. He used up most of his strength when he touched you. He’s not strong enough to be visible to you right now, but he’s still here, you understand?” Joel glanced up at Jesse. “He’s still here. I can see him, okay?”

Lucy nodded weakly. She kept looking at where Jesse had been standing until he finally appeared again. She drew in a breath when she saw his faint image.

Jesse stood over her and looked into her eyes. “I won’t leave you. I would never leave you. I’m here. Look at me. Please stay with me.”

Lucy let out an agonized moan and touched her temple again, but managed to nod weakly. “Is-is it almost over?”

Jesse knew he had to tell her.

“One more, Lucy. One more and it will all be over. I swear to God, it’s almost over. One more.”

Her hand over her left temple, trying in vain to stop the pain, she asked, “Where?”

I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t tell her I can’t I have to tell her I have to I have to…

“The stomach.”

Lucy’s eyes opened wide with horror. She remembered. She knew. “The flag…” she whispered.

“Yes.” Jesse wanted to look away, but he didn’t. No matter how much seeing her torture would tear him apart. I won’t leave you. I’ll never leave you.

“No!” Lucy wailed, somehow finding the strength to cry out loud. “No!” Her voice became a pleading whimper, which was so much worse. She looked into Jesse’s eyes, desperate. “No, please. Please, Jesse…no…I can’t…help me! Please! Help me, Jesse. Help me!”

“I can’t…” Jesse said with hopeless desperation. He wanted to look up at the sky and scream at God. Why are you doing this to her? Why? Do it to me! Kill me, torture me, a hundred times! Why are you doing this to HER?

Jesse’s final, fatal wound struck Lucy, and she let out an ungodly shriek of agony. Jesse had heard that anguished cry of the dying many times on the battlefield, but never before had the sound been so horrifyingly female.

Jesse never took his eyes off the love of his life as she screamed through the deepest throes of the final, torturous blow.

Joel had never seen a man look so utterly destroyed as Jesse did at that moment.

Lucy finally fell silent. Her eyes were closed. She let out a long, shuddering breath.

“Is it over?” Jesse whispered.

Eyes still closed, she nodded. Her screams had stopped. There was nothing but eerie silence. The silence that fell when the fight was over, days later when there was nothing left but the dead on the battlefield.

Joel looked down at Lucy. She looked so small, so fragile, lying there. Her feet looked so tiny in her sandals. Her pale blue sundress was spread out, and her long hair hung over the edge of the rock. This innocent waitress, this sweet future schoolteacher, now knew what it felt like to be slaughtered on the battlefield. Her petite body had just endured wounds that had been enough to kill a full-grown man. Joel felt a deep ache that seemed to come from his soul. He couldn’t even begin to imagine Jesse’s anguish. Dear God, if it had been Emma…

Joel looked up at Jesse, who was standing over Lucy. He looked so grief-stricken, he might as well have been standing over her grave. As he watched Jesse mourn Lucy’s suffering with a look of pure, raw heartbreak, Joel was struck with a sudden realization. It was something he should have figured out long ago.

Jesse Spenser was a good man.

Jesse loved Lucy with all of his heart. Joel knew he would have willingly, gladly endured the battle pains for her if he could have. He would die for her if he weren’t already dead. Jesse was a good, honorable man who, except for his screaming fights with Joel, never had a bad word to say about anybody. He loved his Second Mama, loved children, and was a gentleman through and through. He was a kind-hearted man who’d gotten trapped in the madness and horror of the war, just as Joel had. As Joel looked at Jesse’s face, so full of sorrow, regret, and compassion, Joel thought, this is not the face of a man who would kill someone in cold blood.

For the first time, Joel believed what Jesse had been telling him all along. He only killed Charles because he felt he had no other choice. And seeing Lucy’s agony as she endured Jesse’s death, Joel realized for the first time exactly what he had done to the Confederate soldier. The torture Jesse had endured in his final moments. A sharp stab of pain, guilt, and sorrow sliced through Joel. His heart hurt for Lucy, for Jesse, for everyone who had suffered so horribly in that wretched war.

Jesse looked over at Joel and was startled by his agonized expression. In that moment, Jesse realized that Joel was almost as distraught over Lucy’s suffering as he was.

A look of silent understanding passed between them. They were both sick of the pain and the violence and the memories. Watching Lucy suffer had brought them back to the first time it had happened. The churning emotions of fear and anger and sorrow. It reminded them both of how helpless they’d been to stop the blood and the death, and how much they hadn’t wanted to die. They’d been victims of war, and now Lucy was, too. Too bad she had to undergo physical torture before they understood what she’d been trying to tell them. Nobody was at fault. In times of war, nobody wins.

Lucy opened her eyes and saw Jesse standing over her. She looked relieved, but also angry. The boys knew that this kind of thing was possible, yet they hadn’t warned her of the danger they”d put her in by allowing her to stand right where Jesse had died. Jesse didn’t care if she was angry with him. As long as she was no longer suffering.

“My rose,” he said, his voice heavy with sorrow.

“I’m all right, Jesse,” Lucy said, her face softening as she tried to comfort him. Seeing the anguish on his face, she must have understood that he never meant to hurt her. She moaned softly, then turned to curl up on her right side, almost in a fetal position. She began whimpering as the tears began to flow. Soon, Lucy was sobbing violently, her tiny shoulders shuddering. The physical pain was gone, and now the mental anguish was taking over.

Jesse and Joel exchanged a weary, helpless look. They didn’t know what to do to comfort her. Joel knew how much Jesse must have ached to gather her in his arms, to hold her, to comfort her. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do a goddamn thing.

“Jesse,” Lucy cried out between sobs. “Jesse.”

“Yes, my love. I’m here.” He’d called her my love several times that day, but she’d been too distraught to notice. “I’m here.” He crouched down to look into her eyes.

“I’m so sorry. I’m…I’m so sorry you had to die like that…” Lucy managed to say before bursting into a fresh round of tears.

“Please don’t worry about me,” he said mournfully. “It’s my fault. It”s all my fault this happened to you.”

“No, it isn’t,” Joel said, standing a short distance away from where Jesse stood. “Lucy, he would never in a million years do anything to hurt you.”

Jesse looked down at her. Her eyes were red from crying. The pain was gone, but she still had the exhausted and terrified look of a woman who had been suddenly attacked and beaten within an inch of her life.

“I will never, ever forgive myself for letting this happen to you, Lucy,” Jesse told her, his voice catching as he spoke.

“That’s not what I want, Jesse,” Lucy said. She took a deep breath, finding it exhausting just to speak. “I brought you here to make you two feel better, not to add to the burdens you already carry. Joel,” she said, her voice so soft that he didn’t hear her call his name at first. “Joel! Come here.”

Joel came closer to her, knowing he could not possibly find the words to tell her how sorry he was for what she’d been forced to endure. With great effort, she struggled to sit up so she could face him.

“Lucy, I--”

“Shhhh,” Lucy said, putting a finger close to his lips. “Please. Both of you. If you want to make it up to me, do what we came here to do. Talk about it. Finish it.”

Joel looked over at Jesse and said quietly, “I know you didn’t kill Charles on purpose. You didn’t--you’re not that kind of man.”

Joel saw relief in Jesse’s eyes. The relief that comes from long-overdue forgiveness.

“I was so angry when you killed Charles. I killed you because I was angry and because if I didn’t, you would have killed me,” Joel said, his voice cracking with the pain of the awful memory. “But I really thought you were dead. My God, you’d been shot in the shoulder and shot in the head. Who could possibly survive that?”

Joel winced as he looked over at Lucy, knowing she had somehow just lived through the same horrific ordeal.

“I…I had never, ever been so filled with rage than when I saw Charles die. That’s why I… I had the flag and I…I--thought you were dead. You were bleeding… God, there was so much blood… Then…th-th-then I-I stabbed you…and…and I heard you scream. I still hear that scream… I didn’t know. I was still angry, but I didn’t know you were still… I-I felt like some kind of wild animal…a sick monster. It was so gruesome, so horrible, I couldn’t believe I’d actually done it. I didn’t know you were still alive, Secesh. But if I had, in that moment…with Charles dead…” Joel struggled to meet Jesse’s eyes. “Even if I had known, I don’t know if I would have done any different. I-I just don’t know.”

After a moment of silence, Lucy said softly, “Jesse.”

Jesse nodded. He took a moment to gather his thoughts, knowing it was his turn to explain what happened. To take Joel through Charles’s last moments. “I know…I know you think I didn’t care but…I remember the face of every man I had to kill. Maybe there were more, more guys that got hit by bullets I fired but… I remember the ones I saw up close.” Jesse looked at Joel. “Charles had dark hair…dark, curly hair and dark eyes. Square jaw, a kind face.”

Joel nodded, his lip trembling, as he still grieved for his childhood friend.

“He was standing right in front of me. It was hard to see…there was so much smoke and so much noise…”

Joel nodded. This was the point in Jesse’s tale where Joel usually yelled at him, telling him that not being able to see or hear was no excuse, but Joel knew deep down that it was the truth. The thudding boom of the cannons, the thick smoke in the air, the crush of bodies, both living and dead; the atmosphere was chaos, bedlam. You really couldn’t see a goddamn thing.

“I-I couldn’t see well. When the smoke cleared for a second, I saw Charles standing just inches from me. I-I thought he had a musket, loaded and ready to fire at me.” The terror of the memory was written all over Jesse’s face. “I thought he was going to kill me…I thought he was going to kill me…I thought he was going to kill me…” Jesse looked up at Joel and whispered, “I didn’t want to die.”

Fresh tears spilled down Lucy’s face. ”Oh, Jesse…”

“I had half a second to make a decision. So I…I killed him. I took my bayonet and I…I…” Jesse could hardly get the words out. He closed his eyes. “I can still feel…I remember what it felt like when the bayonet went into him. You don’t forget somethin’ like that. I can’t feel anything physical anymore…but I can still feel that.”

Jesse opened his eyes and looked at Joel. For the first time, Joel’s expression was one of understanding and not judgment.

“When he fell…it wasn’t until he fell to the ground that I saw his hands were empty. He didn’t have no weapon. That was the last thing I remember thinkin’. He couldn’t have killed me after all. Then…then I got shot…” Jesse glanced at his right shoulder, then down at Lucy.

“Oh, Lucy, I’m so sorry…” Jesse said, bowing his head. “You didn’t deserve this.”

“Neither did you,” Lucy said with great emotion.

“I’m sorry, too, sweetheart,” Joel said.

“I know you are, Joel.” Lucy looked at Jesse, then back at Joel. “Then stop fighting. Start healing.”

Joel smiled sadly at her. Lucy was recovering from being shot twice and impaled, and here she was, still worrying over them. No wonder Jesse loved her so much.

“I’m going to get you home to your wife and children if it’s the last thing I do. And I want to help you go home, too, Jesse.”

Home is wherever you are, Lucy, Jesse thought. It was hard for Jesse to imagine being happy, even in heaven, without her.

Lucy let out a deep breath.

“Are you all right?” Jesse asked.

“Yes,” she answered. “I’m all right. I’m just very, very tired. I need to rest.” She lay back down on the rock and closed her eyes.

Jesse nodded. He figured they would let her rest for a little while before they walked her back to her car. She should be safe here for a bit. After all, she had two soldiers standing guard over her, even if they were just spirits. They’d wake her before dark so she could get back safely.

Lucy was nearly asleep when a sudden, horrifying thought dawned on Jesse.

“Joel!” he said sharply, startling Joel and jolting Lucy awake. “When did you die?”

Joel’s eyes opened wide with fear. “It was around seven p.m., I think.”

Jesse nodded. “Okay, we still got a little time, but we gotta get her outta here. Lucy, darlin’, I’m so sorry but you gotta get up. We gotta get you out of here ’fore you feel Joel’s death, too. Don’t ever come back here in the evenin’ time. In fact, just don’t ever come back here.”

“Don’t worry,” Lucy said. She slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position on the rock.

“Oh, Lucy. I would give anything in the world if I could just carry you out of here,” Jesse said, his voice full of tired desperation. He stood helplessly next to her as she wearily got to her feet.

Lucy smiled warmly. “That’s kinda romantic, Jesse.” She turned to Joel. “He gets extra points for that.”

“Fair enough,” Joel said with a smile, having lost all interest in winning the bet. Lucy might never be able to return Jesse’s love, but he deserved to hear her at least say the words, “I choose you, Jesse.”

Lucy’s legs were a bit shaky, and she looked utterly exhausted. Joel looked at her with great concern. “You all right?”

“Yes, I’ll be fine. I just need some rest and I’ll be okay.”

“You know, we could probably flag down a state trooper to help get you to your car.”

Jesse’s eyes lit up, happy that there was finally something they could do to help her. “Hey, yeah! That’s a great idea. They’re always patrolling the battlegrounds. We could get one of ’em to drive you back to your car.”

“It’s all right,” Lucy said. “It’s not that far. Just walk with me, and I’ll be fine.”

The soldiers walked on either side of her, back to Little Round Top. They got Lucy safely to her car and watched as she drove off.

Joel and Jesse started the walk back to town. Without verbalizing it, they both knew where they were headed. They needed comforting from their Second Mama.

“So…” Joel began to speak after a few moments of silence. “I guess…I guess we’re not allowed to fight in front of Lucy anymore.”

“Nope. I guess not,” Jesse agreed.

It was their way of saving face, claiming that Lucy was the reason that they couldn’t fight anymore. The truth was, neither one had the desire to argue any longer. The day had been traumatic—and cathartic—for everyone involved.

“God, that poor girl,” Joel said, his voice filled with regret. “I know that must have been horrible for you, Secesh.”

Jesse winced, still hearing Lucy’s screams in his head. “It was harder the second time.”

Joel nodded. “I know. I’d rather die a thousand times than have Emma suffer it once.”

“I’ve seen it happen before, but, you know, never like that. Never that bad,” Jesse said.

“I know! I mean, I’m sure it hurts. I’ve seen people grab their chest or their head or whatever, but then it passes. This time was so awful…it’s like…” Joel glanced at Jesse, not wanting to make him feel worse.

“It’s like she really felt everything that I felt when I died.”

“Yeah,” Joel said. “Well, I guess it makes sense. Usually, it’s somebody’s distant relative that someone’s connected to that makes them experience this. With her, I mean, shit, she knows us personally…you were standing right next to her when it happened. I guess that’s why it was so intense.”

Jesse nodded sorrowfully, fell silent for a moment, then finally spoke again.

“I never…I never told you how sorry I am that I killed your friend. I mean…I…I did what I thought I had to do, but I’m sorry I had to kill him. And I’m real sorry you had to see it.”

“Thank you,” Joel said quietly. “And I’m, you know, I’m sorry I killed you.”

Jesse was quiet for a second, then suddenly burst out laughing. He couldn’t help it. The absurdity of what Joel had said struck him as hilarious. He looked over at Joel with a good-natured smile to show that he meant no offense.

Joel started laughing, too.

“Pish posh!” Jesse said. “Think nothing of it, my friend!”

They both burst into a fresh round of laughter as they headed to town to look for Fillis.