Chapter 32 Molly
MOLLY
Chase moved the two horses and his Airstream back to Ray’s ranch the morning after I asked him to leave.
Neither of my children was happy to find him and the animals gone when they got off the bus that afternoon, but I reminded them that the deal with Chase had always been him helping until my ankle healed. And with Linda due to arrive home next week, there’s no point in him staying here any longer.
I didn’t bother mentioning the small fact that he’s about to own our home.
“Have you talked to her about us staying in Skylark?” Laurel asked as we shared an after-school snack of apples and peanut butter. “She can’t stop us, right?”
Luke hugged Barkley the stuffed dog close to his chest. “She’s not the boss of us.” His tone was one-hundred-percent quiet defiance.
“Your Nana doesn’t want us to move to New Mexico to prove she’s the boss,” I assured them, although I’m not certain that’s true.
“We’re going to stay here, right?” I felt the weight of Laurel’s scrutiny as she asked the question, at once amazed and terrified at how insightful my daughter can be.
“Laurel and me can help with weddings and stuff,” Luke offered. “You don’t even need to pay us like that guy did.”
“Such a sweet offer,” I told my son, then tried to sell my kids on how moving to a brand-new city might be fun. Neither of them bought it, just like my friends aren’t now.
I’m sitting in Sloane’s office in the back of the bookstore while the kids are at the library for Taylor’s popular Saturday morning story hour. It’s been five days since my fight with Chase, and my heart hasn’t stopped aching for a moment.
The death of my dream is devastating, but I also can’t deny how much I miss him. How much I miss us.
Avah points her fork at me, then stabs at another bite of the cinnamon roll we’re sharing. “You can’t let this one thing change your course.”
“I’ve heard Albuquerque’s nice.” I smile over the rim of my vanilla latte, but who am I fooling?
“It’s not your home,” Sloane says, like she’s dropping a big fat mic on my head.
The ache inside me intensifies until it’s an excruciating pulse that feels like it could eat me alive. “That’s the thing,” I say quietly. “I don’t have a home.”
Linda texted this morning to let me know she’s selling the farm to Chase. She said we could take all the time we need to move out, but she also wants to pack everything up and leave as soon as the school year ends in a few short weeks. Mixed messages much?
“Molly, come on.” Avah looks at me like I’m missing something obvious. “You have to tell her you aren’t moving.”
I bite down on the inside of my cheek as tears threaten to spill over. If I start crying now, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop. “Why would I stay?”
“Because Chase is willing to subdivide the land. Even with the cost of repairs to the greenhouse, you should be able to afford it given the success of the season so far.” Avah pitches her voice low in the quiet of Sloane’s office. “You know he’ll work with you on terms and a timeline.”
“Which puts me in the same spot as always—relying on somebody else to take care of me. How can I accept that when I’ve fallen in love with him?”
Oh, yeah. I finally admitted to my friends—and myself—that I’m completely, hopelessly, head-over-garden-clogs in love with Chase, making this situation ten times worse. Loving him means I want to stand on my own even more, not be someone he has to rescue.
“I’m no expert,” Sloane says slowly, twisting the thick silver cuff on her wrist, “but isn’t that the point of loving someone? You want to take care of them. Did you ever consider that Chase might have feelings for you? The kind he’s just as scared to say out loud?”
Avah points her fork in my direction. “Exactly. This could be his grand gesture.”
I breathe out a shaky laugh. “I highly doubt that. In my experience, needing someone to take care of you means being a burden. You can’t love someone who’s a burden. Not really.”
Love isn’t supposed to come with strings attached, but my heart always ends up a tangled mess.
My friends stare at me like they suddenly don’t know what to say. Because they understand where my hang-ups about being loved come from, and it’s not an easy fix.
“Then give up the farm but stay anyway,” Avah says, like it’s easy peasy.
I don’t see how that’s possible. Not only because it would break my heart not to be Molly the flower farmer. It would also break my heart to watch Chase go on with his life and not be a part of it.
“Can I be honest with you?” Avah asks as she slugs another gulp of coffee.
“Have you ever not been?”
“You’re screwing this up, Mol. I’m not going to judge you for it, because I’ve screwed up plenty of things in my life, but I will say you’re going to regret it.”
“Think about the bucket list,” Sloane adds in a gentler tone.
“I am thinking about the bucket list,” I insist. “The whole point of the challenge was to make my own way in the world. To take control of my life and my future. I can’t do that if he hands me my dream on a silver platter.”
“The horror.” Avah gives a mock shudder.
“I hate it when a man checks all the boxes. He’s hot and kind and good with your kids…
” She leans forward. “And even though you haven’t spilled the beans, which I find highly annoying, I know by your ridiculous smile every time you talk about him that he’s good in bed.
Heaven forbid he cares about you so much he bends over backwards to make your dreams come true. ”
“He cares about my late husband. He feels sorry for me.” At least that’s the explanation I went with after all my doubts and fears came rushing back like they’d never left in the first place.
Avah snorts. “The fuck he does. I’d bet my last nickel that man is head over heels for you. I don’t know why you can’t see it when it’s clear as a newly washed window to the rest of us.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Sweetie, you’re the one who doesn’t understand.
” Sloane takes my hand. “You’ve been chewed up and spit out by so many people who were supposed to care about you, you don’t know how to let yourself be loved.
Don’t you see? You haven’t truly been loved before now, at least not in the way you deserve.
Not in the way that makes you feel special and cherished. ”
“Chase makes me feel like that,” I say around the tears clogging my throat.
Avah smacks her palm against her forehead. “And there’s no doubt you make him feel the same. Because that’s your superpower, Mol.”
“One of many,” Sloane adds.
I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. Was I too harsh with Chase? So desperate to protect myself and prove that I’m worthy of the life I want, I didn’t see how hard he was trying. Not just for me, but with me.
“I think I ruined everything,” I whisper. The truth sits heavy in my chest. “But you’re right. I don’t want to walk away. I want to stay and fight for a future here. For me and the kids…and with Chase.”
Sloane holds up a hand, palm facing toward me, for a high five. “Hells to the yeah.”
Avah nudges our sweet, cancer-warrior friend. “Sloane, I love you but don’t ever use that phrase again.”
“Is yay acceptable?” Sloane asks with an amused eye roll. I swear she looks stronger every time I see her.
“Yay,” Avah drawls. “That works.”
“Yay,” Sloane echoes and comes around the table to hug me.
For the first time in a long time, it doesn’t feel like I’m balancing on a steep rock face that could crumble beneath my feet at any moment. It feels like I might actually be standing at the beginning of something amazing.