19. Ian
19
IAN
A better man would have realized her innocence was more than a propensity to blush.
At the moment, I can’t be that man. Not when I’m sheathed inside her warmth, and she’s plunging her tongue into my mouth, mimicking the motion of how I want to drive myself inside her.
She’s inexperienced, but Christ, so irresistible.
Despite my need for release, I move slowly at first, giving her every chance to stop me.
If anything, she holds on tighter, and the strain I felt when she let out that first yelp dissolves. The sweetest, sexiest little sounds of pleasure come from her throat, and a shudder pulses through me.
I’m still careful. Not to sound like a cocky bastard, but I’ve been in enough locker rooms to know I’m a lot to take.
And she’s a virgin.
She was a virgin, my stupid brain reminds me. Not anymore. Not thanks to me.
There’ll be time for regret and recrimination after. Right now, all my focus is on Sadie, and this moment. Making it special for her.
We find a rhythm that works for both of us, like we’ve done this dance a thousand times. Well, one of us has, but it’s never been like this. I caress her soft skin, wanting to touch her everywhere. To learn every inch of her. Our kisses are deep and warm, but I pull back to look into her eyes, wanting her to see what she’s doing to me. How much it means that she chose me for her first time.
Just when I think I can hold on a moment longer, she climaxes again, and I follow her over the edge, my body clenching with its release. I hold her tight, astounded and humbled to be the man she trusted with something that means so much. I’m blown away by the emotions that rush through me like a wave.
Blown away that no one has claimed her before now.
My first experience with sex was with a high school senior. I made varsity as a freshman, and she was making her way through the team as a dare from her friends.
I don’t think I’ve ever been with a virgin, and the protectiveness that surges inside me is more than shocking. It terrifies me. Because I can’t ignore how much I’ve been fooling myself into believing things between Sadie and me could remain uncomplicated.
I wish I knew what to say. How to act. How to avoid making this weird or awkward. To make her understand I’m worthy of this gift and the trust she’s placed in me.
Except I’m not. I can’t be.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” I tell her as I pull out.
She gives me a wan smile, and, oh shit, tell me that’s not a tear hovering in the corner of her eye.
I grab my boxers from the floor and head to her bathroom, making quick work of the condom. There’s a stack of thick washcloths in her linen closet, and I refuse to meet my own eyes in the mirror as I wait for the tap water to turn warm.
After soaking the washcloth, I return to the bedroom, planning to help her however I can. The condom had traces of blood on it, and even though she had to be expecting it, I hate that I’ve hurt her in any way.
But the bedroom is empty, and I hear Sadie’s voice downstairs talking to the dogs. I quickly pull on my T-shirt and jeans, buttoning them as I move.
There’s a breeze coming from the open slider. She’s wearing a fuzzy polka-dot robe and rubber clogs, standing in the backyard while the dogs explore the shadows cast from the porch light.
Max trots over to greet me, shoving his snout in my crotch. I scratch behind his ears, then walk toward her, grateful for the wisp of a smile the dogs have brought to her lips.
“The stars are pretty this time of night.”
She’s staring at the sky, and I have trouble pulling my eyes from the creamy column of her throat, illuminated by the moonlight.
It’s too dark for me to notice for sure, but I swear there’s beard burn on her perfect skin. Another way I’ve marked her. As much as my brain regrets it, my body and heart seem unwilling to get on board with my better self.
“The sky’s a lot bigger here than it was in Atlanta,” I remark, and she breathes out a small laugh.
“Go big or go home,” she says. “That should be the tagline for the Rockies. I still don’t know how my sister was able to move away. I can’t imagine not having the mountains to ground me.”
As I take another step closer, she wraps her arms around her chest, a silent cue to keep my distance.
“Sadie, we need to talk about what just happened.”
She purses her lips and continues star gazing.
“It was great,” she says conversationally. “For me, it was great. I don’t have a lot to compare it to, but… I mean, you are The Playmaker, so…”
“Don’t do that.” I rub a hand over the back of my neck. “Don’t make a joke out of it. If I’d known, Sadie?—”
“What?” She turns to me now, her gaze fiery. “You would have said no, I imagine.”
“Have people—men—said no to you?” I can’t imagine a world where I could deny her, even if I had known.
“I haven’t gotten that far with anyone else.”
She’s killing me with the honesty.
“I wouldn’t have said no. But I would have been more careful with you.” I bite back the urge to apologize and ask for a do-over. I don’t regret it, but I sure as hell would have done things differently if I’d known.
“Maybe I didn’t want careful,” she counters, her voice fierce. “Maybe I wanted exactly what happened. So, thank you. I barely expected one orgasm, let alone two.”
Hell, I’d like to give her ten or twenty. I’d like to keep her in bed for days—preferably mine since it’s a king. So long that we both figure out precisely what she likes. I’ll give it to her over and over until mine is the only name she can speak.
“It’s all good, Ian.”
She finally takes a step toward me. “We’re friends with a heck of a benefit. Thank you.”
“Would you quit thanking me? I don’t know if you clued into this part, but I had a good time, too.”
She shrugs and gives me a quick once-over. “I always thought men were guaranteed a good time.”
I grit my teeth, because the thing about Sadie is, she isn’t trying to be a smart ass. She means it. Like she had nothing to do with the most mind-blowing orgasm of my entire damn life. I want to grab her again and show her that it wasn’t a fluke, and it isn’t all just me. I want her to understand what she does to me.
Damn it, as much as I want to learn all the things that get her off, I want her to know the same about me. I’ve never wanted to give a woman any power over me. Definitely not sexually.
But Sadie can have it all—anything to prove I deserve what she gave me.
“I need to get to bed,” she says. “I have a trio of dogs being dropped off early tomorrow.”
The clear message is that she needs to get to bed alone. Not that I expect or want to stay with her, but being so casually dismissed chafes. I’m not used to it. Just like the old saying, Sadie is a riddle wrapped in a puzzle inside an enigma. Only that’s my usual role.
It’s comical the number of women who have tried to get me to spend the night or commit in a more significant way than I’m willing to give them. I haven’t had a serious relationship since Monika. Now I’m wholly invested in a fake relationship with a woman who is basically giving me a boot in the ass when I don’t want one.
At least one of us has some common sense, and it sure as hell isn’t me.
“Felix wants us to go out to dinner tomorrow night. He made reservations. A place in town called 1200 West. Have you heard of it?”
She’s nearly inside the house, the dogs trailing behind her like she’s the canine Pied Piper. Her hand pauses before reaching for the slider’s handle.
“It’s the nicest restaurant in Skylark.”
“Is it good?”
She gives me an odd look. “I’ve never been there, Ian. You know my life by this point. It doesn’t involve fancy dinners.”
“It does now,” I tell her.
“I have a busy day tomorrow.”
“I can help you hike the pack in the morning.”
“I’m not asking for your help.”
“I’m offering it anyway because you’re my girlfriend. At least as far as my brother is concerned, as far as everyone is concerned. We slept together.” Why won’t she let me in? Let me help.
She holds up a finger like I’m a naughty schoolboy she’s scolding. “One doesn’t have anything to do with the other, and you know it.”
Do I?
I bite back my frustration. This isn’t the time or place for it. “The reservation is at seven. I hope you can make it. Either way, sweet dreams, Sadie.”
Regret for so many things, including the way I mucked up this moment, courses through me as I head toward the gate. The only answer is the sound of her patio door whooshing shut.
Thankfully, Felix has gone to bed by the time I return home. In addition to my worry over Sadie, I’ve got a niggling suspicion my brother’s surprise visit is more than just a friendly check-in to make sure I’m adjusting to retired life.
After a shitty night’s sleep spent tossing and turning, I wake up to a call from my agent, Phil, telling me he’s booked me for a paid appearance at a charity event.
I’ll need to get my ass to Los Angeles the day after the wedding, which pisses me off. Phil isn’t dealing well with the fact that I’m becoming more selective in the events I agree to. I have half a mind to call him back and explain, once again, that asking for approval before accepting a gig on my behalf wasn’t a suggestion. It’s a requirement for our continued partnership.
When Monika had Riva full-time, I couldn’t have cared less about my schedule. All I wanted was to train and play and make money.
It’s different now that I’m a full-time dad. I can take Riva with me, but I promised her a normal life, so I need to stop relying on gigs that require me to travel, especially once the school year starts. I’m going to need to get my ass in gear and figure out how I’m going to fill my days here in Colorado.
Because if I don’t, I’m liable to spend most of them pining after my next-door neighbor, and I’m not a man who pines.
“What kind of bug crawled up your ass and died with its stinger lodged in your sphincter? You’re a bigger ass than normal today.”
I line up for my drive on the third hole of the country club. “Sphincter is a pretty big word for you,” I shoot back.
Felix and I had an eight o’clock tee time, so the sun shines on us from a cloudless blue sky. There’s a slight breeze, and the smell of freshly cut grass mixes with the woodsy scent of the pine trees that line the fairway. The morning is perfect in every way, except for my lingering frustration about how last night with Sadie ended. It’s like I’m dragging my own black cloud along with me on a kite string.
“Let’s just say your chocolate starfish is especially tight today,” Felix says.
I swing, and the ball sails down the fairway, then cuts sharply to the right, landing smack dab in the middle of a sand pit.
Felix whistles under his breath. “The Playmaker is losing his touch. I should have put money on this round.”
“I’ll still kick your ass,” I tell him. “And the only thing lodged in any part of my body is your voice droning on in my head.”
“I figured you’d be mellow and chill this morning after sneaking out for some booty call action last night.”
“How would you know?” I demand as he approaches the tee box. “You were busy busting a nut in the basement with Adam Sandler.”
“Because I know you.” He flashes a shit-eating grin. “Are my Spidey-senses already tingling with trouble in paradise?”
“Nothing is tingling, dumbass.” I think about bashing him over the head with my golf club. Instead, I take a deep breath and slide it into the bag. “Speaking of trouble, it’s about time we get down to business. What are you doing in Colorado, Felix?”
He swings and the ball wings down the fairway but, unlike mine, lands on the center of the course. “Displaying my superhuman athletic prowess.”
“Come on, man. Out with it. You aren’t built for secrets.” He slides his club into his bag, and we hop in the cart.
I’m sure the golf pro wanted to round us out into a foursome, but I tipped extra to ensure we’d have some privacy. I’m not up for being social today.
“Ronnie and I broke up,” he says after a moment of weighted silence.
Veronica Bolton. Mega influencer and star of a hit reality show. They’d been dating for the past six months—an eternity for Felix. And practically a lifetime commitment if you factor in my history.
“Got sick of holding her purse?”
“Fuck you, Ian,” he says with enough fire to make me blink. “Do you honestly think I have a problem with dating a successful woman?”
“It’s a joke, Felix. You’ve never minded sharing the spotlight.”
“She cheated on me,” Felix says, then quietly adds, “with Russ.”
I mutter a string of curses under my breath that would make a sailor blush. “Was it a one-time thing?”
He shrugs. “Does it matter?”
“No. How could Russ do that to you?”
Russ Farmington is the quarterback in Cincinnati, and Felix’s best friend. They won a national title together in college, and although Felix had been drafted to the Cincinnati Cougars right out of school, Russ played a few years in Buffalo before being traded. That trade—their reunion—became lightning in a bottle. It propelled both of them to marquee status. Russ more so than Felix because of his position as quarterback, but Felix’s flash both on and off the field makes it hard for anyone to look away. Russ is introspective and serious. A perfect straight man for Felix’s over-the-top personality.
“I don’t see them being each other’s type.”
“Yeah, well, me neither. Except I came home four days ago and found my best friend balls-deep in my girl. They have at least one thing in common. Both of them are lying cheaters.”
I don’t know how to respond and Felix continues, “She says I’m too shallow and I don’t take things seriously. This coming from a woman who makes her living hawking sunglasses and face masks on social media. The worst part is, I love her. Loved. I thought she was the one.”
I blink at that. “You thought Ronnie was the one?”
“Why not? We had fun together. It was easy not having to dive into all the deep shit. She’s like me. I thought we’d be happy cruising along and enjoying the ride. But like you said, Barlowe men aren’t built for relationships. Even if we think we want it, it just ain’t in the cards for guys like us.”
I agree, but I also don’t like hearing the pain in my brother’s gravelly voice. We might have beat the shit out of each other growing up, but I’ve got his back, and he has mine. Nobody gets to hurt my baby brother.
“What about Russ?”
The relationship between a quarterback and his star receiver isn’t anything to sneeze at. There’s a bond everyone can feel between the great pairings. My brother and Russ Farmington have that bond.
Or, they had it.
Felix has a heart as big as the rest of him, and I wonder how he’ll fake it on the field or in front of his teammates, never mind with the press next season.
“I don’t know, man. I’ve seen Russ’s naked ass a thousand times in the locker room over the years, but I can’t eradicate the goddamn image of him pumping into Ronnie from my brain.”
“That’s beyond awful, man.” I clap him on the shoulder and pull the golf cart to a stop at the edge of the fairway.
“That’s why I’m here. I need a distraction. I need a place that doesn’t make me think of either one of them for a while.”
“You’ll get through this. I’m here for whatever you need.”
“Appreciate it, bro. Right now I want to concentrate on kicking your ass.”
“This is not your fault, Felix,” I call over my shoulder as I head for the sand trap.
But I know it’ll take more than my words for him to get over it. It’s hard to outrun the pain you carry around inside. Physical scars heal. The rest, not so much.