Chapter 5
Five
Iris
At home, I go through the motions of packing up the kids for a night with Aunt Roni, Uncle Derek and the kids, whom they love. I hated to ask them so last minute, but I knew the kids would be excited about going there, and I want them to be happy so I can focus on whatever Taylor needs.
I’m in Sophia and Laney’s room, trying to pack for them while my mind races with a million other thoughts.
Having to tell our friends this news is killing me, but I can’t let them hear about it from others.
Will’s accident has been all over the news, and it wouldn’t take much to draw a line from that story to Taylor.
Wynter returns my call as I’m zipping the girls’ bag shut. She’s laughing when I take the call. “Xavier just said fuck, and Adrian is losing it.”
Under normal circumstances, I’d be laughing right along with her. She’s one of our biggest success stories among the Wild Widows. But right now, I’m barely holding it together.
“What’s wrong, Iris?”
“I’m afraid I have some upsetting news about a widow friend. Do you remember meeting Taylor and Will at my cookout last summer?”
“Of course. She’s having another baby soon, right?”
“Yes, she is.” God, this sucks. It took forever for Wynter to buy in to the hope and optimism we sell and to believe she could rebuild her life after losing her young husband, Jaden, to cancer. Now she’s happily married to Adrian, his son, Xavier, and her and Jaden’s daughter, Willow.
“Is the baby okay?”
“Yeah, all is well there, but, honey… Will was killed in an accident at work last night.”
“What?” The word comes out as one long exhale. “Is she… Her kids… Fuck.”
“Yeah, it’s a nightmare. I didn’t want you to hear it on the news.”
“A guy Adrian knows played basketball with him. He said his friend was killed on the job and had a baby on the way. I didn’t connect him to Taylor… God, Iris.”
“I know.”
“What should we do?”
“She’ll need us when she’s ready.”
“She won’t want us and our toxic positivity.”
“I think she will eventually.”
“I don’t know… What reason would she have to believe in our bullshit anymore? Why would any of us believe in it if something like this can happen?”
“As Gage said, we have more of a chance of being struck by lightning or winning Powerball than being widowed twice in a lifetime.”
“I don’t know… This is like the last fucking thing I needed to hear. Right when I’m starting to have some faith in the future again.”
“I know, honey. I’m sorry to have to tell you this news. I wanted you to hear it from me, and I want you to hear this, too… When Taylor and I talk about the Wild Widows, which we do once in a while, even though she isn’t active anymore, we always say you’re our proudest success story.”
“What? Me? Why me? She barely knows me!”
“Oh, Wynter,” I say on a sigh. “I wish I had video of who you were when you first joined us so I could show you how far you’ve come. You were so angry and bitter and entertaining suicidal ideation and generally convinced your life was over because Jaden died.”
She has nothing to say to that, so I continue. “And now… you’ve found the courage to have Willow and to love Adrian and Xavier and to build a whole new life for yourself.”
“For all the good it’ll do me if they can end up dead, too.”
“Wynter… Come on. Don’t think that way. We have to hold on to hope, even at times like this when it might seem pointless. Please don’t let this send you spiraling back to where you were when you’ve come so far from that starting point.”
“I’ll try not to, but it won’t be easy. I already hold my breath any time Adrian takes the kids somewhere without me.”
“I understand that, believe me. Gage has said the same thing to me about when the kids and I are out without him and how worried he is, even though he knows we’re fine.”
“How are we supposed to live like this, Iris? I mean, seriously… How?”
“One minute at a time, my friend. We hope for the best and try not to constantly anticipate the worst. That’s all we can do, because so much of it is out of our hands.”
“That’s the part I can’t handle.”
“Yes, you can. You’re doing a beautiful job of handling it, and we’re so very proud of you.”
When she sniffles, I realize she’s crying. “None of this would be possible without you and the group you founded with Taylor and Christy. You guys literally saved my life. Please tell me what I can do to help her.”
“I’ll let you know.”
“Please do. Adrian will want to help, too.”
“As we all know, she’s got a long road ahead of her and will need all the help she can get for quite some time. There’ll be lots of chances to help. I know she’ll appreciate your kindness.”
“Tell her… Tell her we love her, even though I barely know her. That doesn’t matter. I love her, and I’ll be there for her. So will Adrian.”
“I’ll pass that on. It’ll mean a lot to her. I’ll let you guys know about this week’s meeting and if anything changes.”
“Hey… Iris… Are you okay in all this? You step up for everyone when shit goes sideways. Sometimes I worry about the toll that takes on you.”
The Wynter I first knew never would’ve asked that question, which is just another reason I’m so proud of her. “I’m okay, honey. Gut-punched like everyone else but doing whatever I can for Taylor and her kids, which is the only thing that matters right now.”
“You matter tremendously to all of us. Take care of you while you’re taking care of everyone else, okay?”
“I will. I promise. Talk soon. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I’m wiping tears off my face when Gage comes into the room, looking for me.
“What now?”
“Nothing new. Just filling Wynter in on what happened.”
“How’d she take it?”
“Hard, but she wants to help Taylor, even though she barely knows her.”
“She’s come a long way, our Wynter.”
“That’s what made me teary.”
“Tyler is all packed up and can’t wait to get to Derek’s so they can play video games.”
“Thanks for helping him.” I grab the suitcase along with essential blankets and stuffed animals. “Let’s get going.”
Gage puts his hands on my shoulders. “You’re running on adrenaline, babe. Should you get some sleep before we go back?”
He was up all night, too, but all his concern is for me, as always. “I’d like to go back to Taylor’s to help out where I can. I can grab a nap at some point. You don’t have to come if you’re tired.”
“If you’re going, I’m going.”
I’m relieved to have him by my side every day, but especially on days like this. “Thanks.”
He hugs me. “Hang on to me when it gets to be too much, okay?”
And he always knows just what I need, which is such a gift to me in this new life we’ve built for ourselves. “So very thankful for you always, but more so than ever when the shit hits the fan.”
“I’m right here. Forever and ever.”
“Thank God for that.”
Wynter
I don’t know what to do with myself after the call from Iris.
I planned to clean out Xavier’s clothes today to pack up the things he’s outgrown and put them in the attic in case Adrian and I decide to have a baby together someday.
We have no plans for that now, but you never know what might happen, especially now that we’re married.
Everything feels possible after we exchanged vows.
But after talking to Iris, I’m still sitting in the middle of Xavier’s room while he and Willow nap in her room, staring at the wall as I think about what Taylor must be going through.
I fall into a deep rabbit hole of what it would feel like to lose Adrian, after everything we both went through to find each other and to build this new life together with our children.
Despite his intense fear of childbirth after losing his wife, Sadie, when she gave birth to Xavier, he stood faithfully by my side when I decided to have Jaden’s baby after I learned he’d frozen sperm before his cancer treatments.
While I loved Jaden with every fiber of my being, my relationship with Adrian is different.
Jaden and I fell in love when we were kids, before life kicked us in the teeth with his cancer diagnosis.
It’s different with Adrian, more mature, grounded in grief and focused on our children, who forced us to grow up and deal with our shit so we can be the best possible parents to them.
I try to imagine what it would be like to raise Xavier and Willow without Adrian, and I can’t. I simply cannot. The very thought of it makes me feel nauseated and cold all over.
I’m still sitting on the floor in Xavier’s room when Adrian returns from a run and comes to find me. “There you are.”
He’s dripping with sweat and smiling the way he always does when he sees me after even the shortest time apart. He takes a closer look at me. “What’s wrong? Why are you pale as a ghost?”
I don’t want to tell him, because then he’ll know, too, that it’s possible for a widow to lose their chapter two. I don’t want him to hear that, but of course I can’t keep it from him forever. He’ll hear about it eventually.
“So, um, Iris called while you were out.”
He uses the hem of his tank top to dry the sweat on his face, exposing the defined abs I’m obsessed with. “Is everything okay?”
“She told me that Taylor’s husband, Will, was killed in an accident at work.”
I’m watching him so closely that I witness the exact second when my words—and the implications behind them—register with him.
“No way. No. Wait. They have a baby due soon, don’t they?”
I nod. “Next month.”
Adrian drops to his knees next to me. “This is devastating.”
“Beyond.”
For a long time, we sit next to each other, not touching but connected in our shared grief for Taylor—and ourselves. Having this happen to someone we know is unthinkable, especially when she’s expecting a child with Will soon. It’s heartbreak on top of heartbreak.
“Did Iris say how she is? Taylor, that is…”
“Not good at all. I told her we’ll want to help…”
“Anything we can do.”
“I wonder if she’ll come back to the group.”
“I don’t even know what to say to this. It’s got me speechless.”
“I get it. My brain shut down after Iris called.”
“Brings it all back, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah. For sure. Knocked the wind out of me.”
“Me, too.”
I have no idea how long we’re there, on the floor of Xavier’s room, processing this news and battling utter despair for someone we barely know.
We’ve both met Taylor—and Will—a few times at Iris’s house, but we don’t know her like we do the other widows in our close-knit group.
It doesn’t matter, though. We understand what she’s going through…
Well, sort of… We can’t know what it’s like to have it happen twice in one lifetime.
“I’ll… I’ll make some food for them,” I finally say after a long silence.
“That’d be good.”
“It feels insignificant.”
“What else can we do but show up and offer as much support as we can?”
“True. I just feel so…”
“Devastated.”
“Yeah, me, too.” He reaches over to take my hand. “It’s not going to happen to us.”
“Right.”
“No, really, Wynter. It won’t.”
My throat is so tight from the effort not to bawl my head off that all I can do is nod. I want so badly to believe he’s right, but we know better than most people that there’re simply no such guarantees.
I clear my throat. “What should I make for them?”
“Don’t her kids love that mac ’n’ cheese Iris makes?”
“They do. I’ll make that.”
“Save some for our boy. It’s his favorite, too.”
“I will.”
He stands and helps me up. “It always makes us feel better when we do something to help.”
I wrap my arms around him, which I never do when he’s sweaty, but what do I care about such things at a time like this?
He holds me close and kisses the top of my head. “We’re okay, baby. I swear. Everything is fine. Our friend is suffering, and we’ll be there for her, but we’re going to be all right.”
I cling to his assurances, because what else can I do? I don’t tell him that Jaden once said those very words to me and look at how that turned out.